Seeking input: "...because he couldn't cope"

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

As a writer, I take words very seriously. Sometimes though "accepted" meanings of words are different than dictionary definitions. Would you help me out by filling in the blank?

He ______________, because he couldn't cope.

You can use "she" if you like. Please post the first thing that comes to your mind, BEFORE you read other people's responses. Thanks! I'll tell you my hypothesis after people have had a chance to respond.

Edited March 16, 2013 by LiterateParakeet

[inlinerk]

left

[Dravin]

He <any perceived inappropriate behavior>, because he couldn't cope.

[pam]

drank

[Vort]

avoided ulating

[dahlia]

ate a pint of Haagen-Dazs - probably for a 'she'

[NightSG]

drove recklessly

juggled geese

played the accordion

[Traveler]

As a writer, I take words very seriously. Sometimes though "accepted" meanings of words are different than dictionary definitions. Would you help me out by filling in the blank?

He ______________, because he couldn't cope.

You can use "she" if you like. Please post the first thing that comes to your mind, BEFORE you read other people's responses. Thanks! I'll tell you my hypothesis after people have had a chance to respond.

Failed. I believe the greatest failure is the one that quits - that no longer tries. In my mind quitting is the only real failure and not coping is just another way to define a quitter or failure.

The Traveler

[Wingnut]

As a writer, I take words very seriously. Sometimes though "accepted" meanings of words are different than dictionary definitions. Would you help me out by filling in the blank?

He ______________, because he couldn't cope.

You can use "she" if you like. Please post the first thing that comes to your mind, BEFORE you read other people's responses. Thanks! I'll tell you my hypothesis after people have had a chance to respond.

quit

gave up

ignored

[BadWolf]

Changed course

Laughed, out of startled awareness

Collapsed

Questioned wildly, trying to find a cause, a solution, a way out

Sought out his friends

Turned around

Reached behind himself, blindly, grasping the wall

Closed his eyes and took a deep breath

Felt sick, dizzy, numb

Turned on his heel and strode out

Took to her heels and ran as fast as she could

Shouted 'No!'

Felt his throat tighten spasmodically

Caught the eyes of So&So across the room

Fell into strong arms

Shook his head, to clear it

Lashed out

Set his jaw

Eyes lit up with excitement

Spun in place, barely able to contain her joy

Caught her breath in her throat, hoping, hoping that this could be try

Grinned wickedly

Grinned idiotically

Fanned herself

Bit her lip to keep from crowing in victory

Leapt from his chair whooping in victory

Spun her around in unadulterated bliss

Turned to her neighbor, talking animatedly

Um... This list keeps going.

Asking an ADHD person the FIRST thing that comes to mind gets a kaleidoscope of images.

I had to write this in order

But these are all (and about 20 or 50 others) my FIRST thought.

My SECOND thought are all the back stories that create these possibilities. Typically 6 or 7 back stories to each possibility.

That's the blank look "we" give others, so often, following a simple question. Its not that we don't know an answer or have an opinion, its that we need to soft and sort through a welter of conflicting imagery & possibilities. Also the source if a lot of annoying "unrelated" questions. To try and narrow the field of possible answers.

<grin> Since you're polling for thought processes... Figured I'd be honest.

[BadWolf]

I like this list, by the by.

My immediate assumption is an acute issue. Whether joyful or terrible, shocking or long coming.. I like that my brain's "gut" reaction, that not coping is a momentary inconvienced.

In the long term... OF COURSE... It will be sorted / dealt with/ managed/ etc.

When, really, people are often unable to cope over years & decades. PTSD, depression, eating disorders, abusive relationships, sabotaging relationships, never realized potential, bitterness, etc., in the negative sphere... And an equal number of positive consequences (like not being able to cope with "insert awful thing here" leading to positive change over years).

Anyhow... Fun Q!

[Saldrin]

is a jabroni

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Wow, you guys are awesome! I didn't expect such a great response. Nor did I anticipate how fun reading the answers would be.

---Now, if you are curious, my hypothesis (which in my amateur way I proclaim PROVEN) was that "could not cope" is inherently negative. The reason I wondered was because I had read the phrase in an article recently and found it offensive, although I'm certain offense was not intended. I think it did show an unconscious bias on the part of the author and editors.

I wondered if I was being overly-sensitive so I wanted to try and find out if other people's gut reaction was that "could not cope" was negative. Encouraged by your responses, I wrote a kind and thoughtful (at least I like to think so) letter to the editors. Wherein I explained why I thought the comment was hurtful. And how I thought the problem could be avoided in the future I wrote it with the intent to educate, not reprove.

This was so fun though (you had fun too didn't you?) so I am trying to think of my next "poll" now...

Bad Wolf, I love the ADHD explanation, thanks!

[carlimac]

went back to bed

[pam]

Changed course

Laughed, out of startled awareness

Collapsed

Questioned wildly, trying to find a cause, a solution, a way out

Sought out his friends

Turned around

Reached behind himself, blindly, grasping the wall

Closed his eyes and took a deep breath

Felt sick, dizzy, numb

Turned on his heel and strode out

Took to her heels and ran as fast as she could

Shouted 'No!'

Felt his throat tighten spasmodically

Caught the eyes of So&So across the room

Fell into strong arms

Shook his head, to clear it

Lashed out

Set his jaw

Eyes lit up with excitement

Spun in place, barely able to contain her joy

Caught her breath in her throat, hoping, hoping that this could be try

Grinned wickedly

Grinned idiotically

Fanned herself

Bit her lip to keep from crowing in victory

Leapt from his chair whooping in victory

Spun her around in unadulterated bliss

Turned to her neighbor, talking animatedly

Um... This list keeps going.

Asking an ADHD person the FIRST thing that comes to mind gets a kaleidoscope of images.

I had to write this in order

But these are all (and about 20 or 50 others) my FIRST thought.

My SECOND thought are all the back stories that create these possibilities. Typically 6 or 7 back stories to each possibility.

That's the blank look "we" give others, so often, following a simple question. Its not that we don't know an answer or have an opinion, its that we need to soft and sort through a welter of conflicting imagery & possibilities. Also the source if a lot of annoying "unrelated" questions. To try and narrow the field of possible answers.

<grin> Since you're polling for thought processes... Figured I'd be honest.

Wowwwww...All of those things were the first thing to come to your mind? You have a very active mind.

[Wingnut]

Wow, you guys are awesome! I didn't expect such a great response. Nor did I anticipate how fun reading the answers would be.

---Now, if you are curious, my hypothesis (which in my amateur way I proclaim PROVEN) was that "could not cope" is inherently negative. The reason I wondered was because I had read the phrase in an article recently and found it offensive, although I'm certain offense was not intended. I think it did show an unconscious bias on the part of the author and editors.

I wondered if I was being overly-sensitive so I wanted to try and find out if other people's gut reaction was that "could not cope" was negative. Encouraged by your responses, I wrote a kind and thoughtful (at least I like to think so) letter to the editors. Wherein I explained why I thought the comment was hurtful. And how I thought the problem could be avoided in the future I wrote it with the intent to educate, not reprove.

This was so fun though (you had fun too didn't you?) so I am trying to think of my next "poll" now...

Bad Wolf, I love the ADHD explanation, thanks!

I'm trying to figure out why you found the phrase offensive, or why you don't like that it's negative. It also seems obvious to me that it's inherently negative -- the use of the word "not" automatically lends an air of negativity. I'm also curious as to what the "blank" was in the article, though given the offense, I might guess that it was maybe an article about suicide?

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I'm trying to figure out why you found the phrase offensive, or why you don't like that it's negative. It also seems obvious to me that it's inherently negative -- the use of the word "not" automatically lends an air of negativity. I'm also curious as to what the "blank" was in the article, though given the offense, I might guess that it was maybe an article about suicide?

Fair questions. :) Ok, the phrase was:

"As a child she had often been abused, and this had led to years of therapy—and at times institutionalization—because she could not cope."

It's offensive to me (though again I don't think the author meant to offend) because it implies that the survivor of childhood abuse was weak, or deficient in some way. It is very common for survivors of childhood abuse to suffer from anxiety, depression, self-harm and suicidal ideation, which can lead to years of therapy, and sometimes institutionalization. This is not because they are weak, or cannot cope. It is because the damage of abuse, and the pain of healing is so great.

In my letter I explain:

It may seem at first that survivors of childhood abuse are overly sensitive and writing for or about them is a veritable minefield. Yet, I believe that if two things are understood, much pain and misunderstanding could be avoided. Those two things are: survivors need their pain validated, and they need to know that people care. For example, in the article, "could not cope" could have been worded, "because she suffered a great deal of pain". The later validates the pain, and gives a feeling of empathy from the writer.

I like the way you asked your question because it made me think, would I have responded differently if the article had been about suicide. "He took his own life, because he could not cope." Ironically, that does not feel as offensive to me, and I have been suicidal...very much so...so I feel "at liberty" to speak of this. If I had followed through with my suicidal thoughts, I believe it would have been because I was weak (at least in that moment). But I don't see having suicidal thoughts, or going to the hospital (being institutionalized) because I have those feelings as weak. Getting the help you need IS coping. Going to the hospital instead of committing suicide, is coping.

I did several things to cope with my suicidal feelings...including telling my therapist, my husband, my Bishop. It was like saying, "Help me, I'm weak and I don't think I can cope much longer..." But I did get through it.

It's a fine line, perhaps, but I still see it as a line.

Just to clarify (if it is needed) I don't judge harshly those who do commit suicide because I know too well, the pain that drives someone to think about it, and the muddled thinking that one has when they are in that much pain. For example can you imagine doing your taxes while you were in labor having a child? Not only would you just not want too, but you wouldn't be able to think clearly. I think that often when people commit suicide their minds are not clear, the Lord understands that.

[pam]

I think that is why in some ways I took issue with Traveler's comment about those that couldn't cope being failures. I think sometimes we reach a limit. Doesn't mean we don't keep trying but all of us have our limits.

[Wingnut]

I think that is why in some ways I took issue with Traveler's comment about those that couldn't cope being failures. I think sometimes we reach a limit. Doesn't mean we don't keep trying but all of us have our limits.

Sometimes we've coped as well as we can for as long as we can, and we just don't have anything left to give. Such a moment happened to me on my mission (with regard to a particular companion). At the very moment I was ready to pull my suitcases out and start packing to go home, the phone rang. It was my zone leader calling to tell me to pack my suitcases because I was being emergency transferred in the morning. The Lord knew that I had reached my personal breaking point in that situation, and that I had no more reasonable coping mechanisms left.

[BadWolf]

Wowwwww...All of those things were the first thing to come to your mind? You have a very active mind.

Yeah... You know how they say that ADHD is like having every radio station playing at the same time? Or every television station? Or 10 people talking to you at once while you're trying to be doing something? Probably the best way to explain it, even though its a little 2D that way, since we also have sensory information uploading all the time, and emotional reactions to each of those radio stations/TV/conversations. We're not distracted because we can't think, we're distracted because we can't stop thinking.

S'also why things that distract neurotypical folk are focusing to us. Like having the radio & TV on while doing homework (means we only have 3 things to "filter" instead of 50... Or playing loud music to drown out thoughts that aren't focused on homework the same way that someone might turn on music to drown out the neighbors kids throwing a tantrum. But for people who have monofocus, blaring music destroys their focus.

I looooooove the DSMVs new classification of all ADHD has the "H", because hyperactivity is ALWAYS present.

ADHD-h = hyperactive physical

ADHD-i = hyperactive mental

ADHD-c = hyperactive both physically & mentally

I'm super grateful Im ADHD-c... Because I get a break from myself.

When my body is moving, my mind is still.

When my mind is moving, my body is still.

[JosephP]

Withdrew.