Intellectual Compatibility in Marriage

[Lakumi]

I have 1 question and 1 comments

Why did it take you 13 years to figure this out?

and my comment

When I want an intellectual conversation I talk to my cousin not my wife. I don't see a problem with that.

my summary

Intellectual compatibility does not matter, once you're married it's too late to worry about such things.

yeah that's something I figure out very quickly

maybe because I don't share the same belief system with any of the women I have dated, nor do I want children do those things really come up...

I would assume one of the most important things about any relationship (friendship, marriage) is for you to be able to really talk to the other persion

[Guest]

yeah that's something I figure out very quickly

maybe because I don't share the same belief system with any of the women I have dated, nor do I want children do those things really come up...

I would assume one of the most important things about any relationship (friendship, marriage) is for you to be able to really talk to the other persion

This is so true. I'd go further to say Communicate instead of talk. But one doesn't have to talk quantum physics to have an intelligent conversation.

My husband talks football - loves it. He craves sports conversation. When we got married, what I know about football can fit into a thimble. And he would go on and on and on about statistics and draft picks and yardage... And I sit there and listen and make comments that were stupid... He'd say something like "Tom Brady just threw for a jillion yards and passed whatshisname on regular season yardage..." And my ears would pop up - hey I just read about that guy who left his pregnant girlfriend to carouse with this leggy model - and I would say, "oh, Tom Brady left his pregnant girlfriend so he gets minus yards." And my husband would get taken aback - because he didn't know about the girlfriend and he would just be so full of happy smiles that I knew who Tom Brady is... It encouraged me to listen to sports talk radio so at least I have a clue on what he's talking about even if I don't really "get it" (Sports radio sounds mostly Greek). I gave birth to our first child during football season. He watched football at the hospital while I was doing my thing pushing a baby out. He then made a pose and asked me if I knew what it was. I said - that's the Heisman Trophy. He went to the store and bought me diamond earrings. He got me diamonds because I knew what a Heisman Trophy is... Not because I just delivered our first son! :)

Anyway, he talks football a lot until now. I try to read up so at least I have a bit of clue what he's talking about. But he's happy that I'm there to listen to him. He gets his intense conversations about football with his friends.

[guenzo]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I appreciate them. You've given me lots to think about.

@ Finrock - You captured my feelings exactly. Thank you!

[EarlJibbs]

This is so true. I'd go further to say Communicate instead of talk. But one doesn't have to talk quantum physics to have an intelligent conversation.

My husband talks football - loves it. He craves sports conversation. When we got married, what I know about football can fit into a thimble. And he would go on and on and on about statistics and draft picks and yardage... And I sit there and listen and make comments that were stupid... He'd say something like "Tom Brady just threw for a jillion yards and passed whatshisname on regular season yardage..." And my ears would pop up - hey I just read about that guy who left his pregnant girlfriend to carouse with this leggy model - and I would say, "oh, Tom Brady left his pregnant girlfriend so he gets minus yards." And my husband would get taken aback - because he didn't know about the girlfriend and he would just be so full of happy smiles that I knew who Tom Brady is... It encouraged me to listen to sports talk radio so at least I have a clue on what he's talking about even if I don't really "get it" (Sports radio sounds mostly Greek). I gave birth to our first child during football season. He watched football at the hospital while I was doing my thing pushing a baby out. He then made a pose and asked me if I knew what it was. I said - that's the Heisman Trophy. He went to the store and bought me diamond earrings. He got me diamonds because I knew what a Heisman Trophy is... Not because I just delivered our first son! :)

Anyway, he talks football a lot until now. I try to read up so at least I have a bit of clue what he's talking about. But he's happy that I'm there to listen to him. He gets his intense conversations about football with his friends.

That sounds like my wife. I am not a sports nut, but I have an even knowledge of sports, cars, video games, tech.... I love it when she pipes in with a little tidbit when I talk to her. When I say I am impressed she knew that, her grin seems to say "I knew you would be" HAHA!! I love it!

[Lakumi]

This is so true. I'd go further to say Communicate instead of talk. But one doesn't have to talk quantum physics to have an intelligent conversation.

to be fair I use those words rather interchangeably, but you are absolutely right.

I went out with a girl a few months back and realized, very quickly, I had nothing to say to her. We had nothing in common and were leagues apart, interest wise, personality wise.

I understand that someone sharing my love for ponies or Fist of the North Star is a long stretch but I do hope to have at least share one interest or something with the other person.

My whole life has been spent around people I can't talk to, I don't want to spend my adult years making the same mistakes

[prisonchaplain]

Man to marriage counselor: I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

Marriage counselor: Communication is important. Why haven't you spoke to her?

Man: I don't like to interrupt.

"Intellectual compatibility?" Most of us men married up. While some of us males may have more education, the ladies tend to be "smarter" about what's happening around the house, with the kids, and, if they work outside too, much more descriptive about their areas of expertise than we are...well, at least than I am.

[Quin]

I have to disagree with many, many members here. Being able to meet my spouse as an intellectual equal is of vital importance to me. Kindness and intelligence are NOT mutually exclusive, there is no correlation between the two.

.

To clarify, I wasn't trying to say that they are mutually exclusive. Merely that

I married : Intelligent & unkind

OP married: Unintelligent & kind

Of course there are people who are both. I was simply sharing my inverse experience.

One of the exciting things about my exHusband when we first were together (first 3 or 4 years) was how smart he was. That ended up going horribly, horribly wrong... And is entirely my fault. Because I failed to look at the whole picture when dating him, and because I placed value in areas I PERSONALLY shouldn't. Ditto not leaving him then, but hanging tough for over a decade. Bad decision. I'm sure some people thrive on intellectual meanness, and hope his new wife is that sort. My belief is that there really are people for everyone. What's a deal breaker for one, may be an absolute requirement for another.

My experience, though, shows that we often take for granted those selfsame traits which are requirements. Like I dated almost universally benevolent dictators (I like cocky, but despise arrogant... Live and learn). So when I dated the UNbenevolent guy... I completely missed how big of a jerk he was, because I took "decent human being" as a given. Nope. Come to find. Heart of Gold is a fairly rare trait.

Hence the 2cents to the OP.

Just my experience.

Not trying to say there aren't mean idiots, or brilliant kind people.

[McLainDow]

" I may have tried to teach her the gospel, but she taught me how to live it."- Enrique R. Falabella

I study the gospel more then my wife does I can safely say but, I still have much to learn from her. "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication"- Leonardo Da Vinci.

[garryw]

ladies tend to be "smarter" about what's happening around the house

I didn't know we were allowed to be politically incorrect here. If SAHM's want to pretend they are rocket scientists I don't see any problem with humoring them. It doesn't hurt anything.

[prisonchaplain]

Actually, my wife teaches kindergarten--you know--everything you ever needed to know was taught by the likes of her...

[Guest]

I'm a housewife (and piano teacher) with a healthy vocabulary. For instance, I know what "misogyny" means.

[Backroads]

Many a Sahm has a college degree...

[Quin]

My Aunt (SAHM for 20 years) worked for NASA.. As an engineer on the team who designed the space shuttle... So not exactly a rocket scientist. More of a rocketSHIP scientist.

Her apple pie can cause a religious experience.

Q

[garryw]

My Aunt (SAHM for 20 years) worked for NASA.. As an engineer on the team who designed the space shuttle... So not exactly a rocket scientist. More of a rocketSHIP scientist.

Her apple pie can cause a religious experience.

Q

The prime contract was given to Rockwell, the booster contract was given to Thiokol, the external tank contract was given to Martin Marietta and the main engine contract was given to Rocketdyne.

People at NASA write requirements and award contracts, they don't design or build anything. But if SAHM want's to pretend she designed something while employed by NASA, it doesn't hurt to humor her. It would be more believable if she worked for one of the companies I listed.

[NeuroTypical]

If SAHM's want to pretend they are rocket scientists I don't see any problem with humoring them.

My SAHM wife has superior knowledge and experience than me in a number of important areas. Like math, and dealing with people.

Her Mom's club had a biochemical engineer with a PhD. The current homeschool co-op we take our kids to, are people with SAHM's with all sorts of degrees and background experience. At least half a dozen bachelor degrees, and a small handful of masters. All of them are smarter than me in their areas of expertise, and probably other areas too.

[NeuroTypical]

People at NASA write requirements and award contracts, they don't design or build anything. But if SAHM want's to pretend she designed something while employed by NASA, it doesn't hurt to humor her. It would be more believable if she worked for one of the companies I listed.

I'm not too familiar with your posting style, garryw. Are you acting like a jerk on purpose for the sake of humor or making some point? If so, please spell it out - I'm missing whatever point you're trying to make.

If you're not doing it on purpose, 30 seconds on the nasajobs.nasa.gov website tells me 60% of NASA's workforce are in the professional/engineering/scientific category, requiring at least a BA, often higher, with major study in a specialized field...

[Dravin]

I'm not too familiar with your posting style, garryw. Are you acting like a jerk on purpose for the sake of humor or making some point? If so, please spell it out - I'm missing whatever point you're trying to make.

If you're not doing it on purpose, 30 seconds on the nasajobs.nasa.gov website tells me 60% of NASA's workforce are in the professional/engineering/scientific category, requiring at least a BA, often higher, with major study in a specialized field...

Also it isn't uncommon for someone to technically work for the contractor but work at the contractee. If someone technically hired by Rockwell worked on the shuttle design and was sent over as a liaison/support to NASA it'd be understandable for people to 'sloppily' say they work for NASA. My Dad is in a similar situation, in which he technically doesn't work for the company he works at because he's part of contracted support. The location and the people he deals with day to day are the contractee's , when most people ask what he does I reference the contractee not the contractor because:

1) It shares where he physically goes to work each day.

2) Communicates the nature of the work he's doing better.

3) Is less potentially convoluted than launching into a spiel about how he works at X doing Y as part of a contract that Z has with X.

A bit sloppy technically speaking I suppose, but oftentimes communicates the information people are actually interested in.

Edited September 17, 2013 by Dravin

[pam]

People at NASA write requirements and award contracts, they don't design or build anything. But if SAHM want's to pretend she designed something while employed by NASA, it doesn't hurt to humor her. It would be more believable if she worked for one of the companies I listed.

Semantics. My dad worked for the DOD but at a General Dynamics plant. We just told people he worked for General Dynamics because it was easier.

[Dravin]

Semantics. My dad worked for the DOD but at a General Dynamics plant. We just told people he worked for General Dynamics because it was easier.

Exactly, often times people aren't interested in the specifics so why go into a detailed explanation when a simpler one will do?

Edited September 17, 2013 by Dravin

[Misshalfway]

Good Afternoon guenzo! Welcome to the forums. I hope you are doing well today! :)

I understand where you are coming from guenzo and I don't judge you for your desires. I understand the deep desire to be intellectually connected with your spouse so that you can share with them these wonderful thoughts, ideas, and impressions that you may have. Perhaps all of the other posters here have more wisdom than either you or I and perhaps it is true that this is a desire that should be abandoned.

For me, I almost can't stop thinking, pondering, and trying to see and find patterns in things. I like to know why something is the case. I want to get to the core of an issue. I also am one who isn't satisfied with just doing something halfway and this is my approach to whatever subject matter that I become interested in and I want to know all that I can about it. During all of this research, pondering, and thinking I come across things that I think are awesome, or truth, or principles that will improve our life, etc. and it pains me when I feel that I can't share this part of me with my wife. It is also true that it hurts because this is a part of me that my wife cannot or does not appreciate.

I know for me this isn't about me thinking that my wife is dumb or that I am better than her (although I have given in to this temptation in the past). It is really about having a sense of intimacy with my wife and this "intellectualism" part of my character is a major part of my identity and who I am and not feeling a connection with my spouse on this feels like to me like my wife doesn't really know or understand me. Right or wrong, these are my feelings.

But, I also understand this truth: During His mortality, Jesus Christ was more wise than everyone. While on this earth His superior knowledge and wisdom never prevented Him from having intimate relationships with others. From what I can tell, Jesus was able to have intimate and close relationships with those who were clearly His inferiors because He became interested in what the other person knows. He constantly sought to uplift and edify others. He did all things for the good of others. I am chastising myself right now, but get to know your wife as intimately as you want to be known. Focus your energy and power in understanding her and her needs just as you want her to understand and know your needs then trust in God and in the Spirit to provide you satisfaction.

Regards,

Finrock

I quoted awesome Fin here because you said that this post captured your feelings pretty closely. It sounds to me like your problem isn't intellectual compatibility at all. I think your problem is disconnection. And that you and your wife don't know how to find it in the deeply satisfying ways you are longing for.

For the record, I don't think you are selfish for really liking intellectual conversations. And I don't blame you for longing to share it with your sweetheart. Who wouldn't want to share something like that? I don't think you are any different than the rest of us. We all want to experience deeply satisfying connection with someone who sees and understands us just as we are. And when we don't get it hurts. We feel isolated and alone, and often hopeless. And its confusing!! and so the brain tries to make sense of it by coming up with some explanation like "we must not be intellectually compatible." This is a common enough thing. People all the time say "We are not intellectually, emotionally, or sexually compatible." Problem is, they haven't gotten to the core issues yet.

I love that Fin is driven to find patterns and that he thrills at finding the core issue of something. If this is you too, then you have everything you need to solve this problem. It might be helpful if you could get a copy of Susan Johnson's book "Hold Me Tight". I've found her work very helpful. She talks about the new emerging science of love (attachment), the patterns that originate from attachment style that cause disconnection, and the way to reverse the negative cycles into patterns of connection and synchronicity. And there is no need for either spouse to change who or what they are. The only thing that is required is an exploration of the primary emotions that drive the negative attachment patterns, and the willingness to be vulnerable to show them to your partner, and the willingness to be there for your partner when she shows hers to you. It's not work for the feint of heart, but it is work that is incredibly satisfying because it gets to the heart of the matter. Literally and figuratively. :)

Good luck, dear fellow. May your love of and comfort with the intellectual not keep you from your lessons in this wonderful opportunity of yours. May the Lord broaden your view and expand your abilities.

[Guest]

The prime contract was given to Rockwell, the booster contract was given to Thiokol, the external tank contract was given to Martin Marietta and the main engine contract was given to Rocketdyne.

People at NASA write requirements and award contracts, they don't design or build anything. But if SAHM want's to pretend she designed something while employed by NASA, it doesn't hurt to humor her. It would be more believable if she worked for one of the companies I listed.

I just saw this movie. October Sky. Supposedly a true story. The kid who built rockets in that movie grew up to work for NASA.

You may say that I didn't build my house because I hired a contractor to lay the foundation, another one to do the framing, another one to do the roof, another to wire it, etc. etc. But, I can sit down with you and talk to you about everything that went into building my house. The foundation contractor may be able to do that but more than likely he can only talk to you about laying cement.

But, that's not the point here. The point here is that everybody has their own specialty. There are those who go on Jeopardy and can answer all the questions in there but can't figure out how to open a can of soup. There are those who can fix a vacuum cleaner but can't read or write. There are those who can tell you all the RBI's of all the players that ever played for the Yankees complete with their batting order but can't tell you what the Capital of the USA is. And there are those who doesn't know which is heavier, a pound of cotton or a pound of strawberries, but knows everything there is to know about growing cotton and strawberries.

There is rarely a person who is just a complete idiot. Even those with mental handicaps have their own specialty. Like this kid with cerebral palsy in my ward that has the knack of talking about Book of Mormon stories to strangers at the mall food court.

Books and Journals are not the only source of intelligence. Everyone has their own specialty. So everyone has something to learn from everybody else.

[Guest]

The prime contract was given to Rockwell, the booster contract was given to Thiokol, the external tank contract was given to Martin Marietta and the main engine contract was given to Rocketdyne.

People at NASA write requirements and award contracts, they don't design or build anything. But if SAHM want's to pretend she designed something while employed by NASA, it doesn't hurt to humor her. It would be more believable if she worked for one of the companies I listed.

I just saw this movie. October Sky. Supposedly a true story. The kid who built rockets in that movie grew up to work for NASA.

You may say that I didn't build my house because I hired a contractor to lay the foundation, another one to do the framing, another one to do the roof, another to wire it, etc. etc. But, I can sit down with you and talk to you about everything that went into building my house. The foundation contractor may be able to do that but more than likely he can only talk to you about laying cement.

But, that's not the point here. The point here is that everybody has their own specialty. There are those who go on Jeopardy and can answer all the questions in there but can't figure out how to open a can of soup. There are those who can fix a vacuum cleaner but can't read or write. There are those who can tell you all the RBI's of all the players that ever played for the Yankees complete with their batting order but can't tell you what the Capital of New York is. And there are those who doesn't know which is heavier, a pound of cotton or a pound of strawberries, but knows everything there is to know about growing cotton and strawberries.

There is rarely a person who is just a complete idiot. Even those with mental handicaps have their own specialty. Like this kid with cerebral palsy in my ward that has the knack of talking about Book of Mormon stories to strangers at the mall food court.

Books and Journals are not the only source of intelligence. Everyone has their own specialty. So everyone has something to learn from everybody else.