Interview concerns

[clej]

My husband and I have been going to an LDS church and we love it. It has made a huge difference in our home and in each of us personally. We have run across a couple of barriers regarding baptism and future interviews where our ten year old son is concerned.

My husband and I will not allow our son to be interviewed by any adult behind closed doors without us present. The missionaries have gone up the chain of command and have let us know that our son will have to be alone for the interview. I understand their reasons......that they want to be sure we are not coaxing our child into our faith, but they are not acknowledging the room for abuse to happen via the interviewer.

Has anyone been able to go into their child's interview?

[Vort]

I understand your concern. I suppose there has to be some base level of trust in such an ecclesiastical relationship. If you were to join the Church, your son would be interviewed by the bishop (an adult man), alone, on approximately a yearly basis. While I have never heard of a bishop (or missionary) molesting a child in such a situation, I suppose it's a possibility. Having grown up in the Church, I see it as perfectly normal and not a cause for concern. Not to dismiss your concerns, however.

I honestly don't know the answer to your question. For obvious reasons, a baptismal interview must be completely confidential. Not sure what the best resolution is. I wonder if you could (for example) stick your head in every minute or two to make sure things are okay? I don't even know if that would be acceptable to either party (you or the missionaries), but it's maybe something to consider.

You might want to consider talking directly with the mission president. If he tells you no, he will at least be in a position to explain exactly why, which the young missionary men probably aren't.

[Guest]

We trust, but also sit right outside the door. The interviews are never long.

[Jenamarie]

Many LDS chapels have classrooms with windows in the doors. Maybe you could ask the Bishop to conduct the interview in one of those rooms, so that you could see, but not hear, what's going on during the interview?

[Vort]

Many LDS chapels have classrooms with windows in the doors. Maybe you could ask the Bishop to conduct the interview in one of those rooms, so that you could see, but not hear, what's going on during the interview?

I like this idea. One point to raise: This is a ten-year-old boy, so it's a convert baptism. The bishop will not interview the boy; a missionary will.

[Smudge]

If you sat in a room adjacent to the room your son will be interviewed then you will probably be able to hear what is going on - I say this because when my friend was getting interviewed she had her interview in the kitchen and the rest of us waited in the adjacent living room - I could hear most of what was going on.

Edited October 15, 2013 by Smudge

[clej]

Many LDS chapels have classrooms with windows in the doors. Maybe you could ask the Bishop to conduct the interview in one of those rooms, so that you could see, but not hear, what's going on during the interview?

We will not be allowing any adult at any time to ask our child questions at their discretion without our support available. This isn't about trying to work around it. While my child is a minor, everything that goes on in their lives is our business as parents. They should never have private conversations with people that their parents are not to know the content of. That is not in proper order and to me that is what should be obvious, not the confidentiality of a ten year old's conversation with someone else.

The missionaries do not interview my child, the bishop does.

Much about these interviews concerns me. I as a married woman do not speak with another man about sex other than my husband. I am not okay with talking to a bishop about sexual matters. They can ask about the law of chastity and ask if I am following it, but I would not answer specific questions.

I am also not okay with the idea that the church does not approve of a woman in a closed room with a man that is not her husband, yet they approve of a bishop in a closed room with a girl of any age talking with her about chastity.

I have been a child abuse educator. There are many, many children that have been taken advantage of by people in a position of authority, while their parents claimed they never would have thought such a thing would have occurred. I never want to be one of those parents. Sexual and other forms of abuse has gone on in the LDS church, and ignoring that fact would be very naive of me with my child the one at stake.

Also, I understand our bishop will be asking the question about masturbation when our son turns 12 and has his interview then. Since that will never happen, we should probably get this sorted out right now.

My question was however, has anyone been in the room with their child when they were interviewed?

[MrShorty]

When my children were baptized as "children of record" at 8, my wife and I were both present during the interviews. Granted, as "children of record" the bishop may have treated us differently than a 10 year old "convert" baptism, I don't know.

I might suggest talking to the Bishop or similar and asking what the official policy is (in the church handbooks or other official documents). If the policy to interview minor youth mono a mono is a personal preference or unofficial policy, then it should be open to modification. If there is an official policy in place, there may also be a "how to obtain an exception" to the policy that can be sought out.

[clej]

When my children were baptized as "children of record" at 8, my wife and I were both present during the interviews. Granted, as "children of record" the bishop may have treated us differently than a 10 year old "convert" baptism, I don't know.

I might suggest talking to the Bishop or similar and asking what the official policy is (in the church handbooks or other official documents). If the policy to interview minor youth mono a mono is a personal preference or unofficial policy, then it should be open to modification. If there is an official policy in place, there may also be a "how to obtain an exception" to the policy that can be sought out.

Thank you. The missionaries are speaking with the mission president in the next hour and they will be getting back to us today. I hope it goes well. Our family really wants to be baptized LDS. Our son was asking about it this morning and making a Lego temple. :)

[Swiper]

Has anyone been able to go into their child's interview?

I have personal friends who have been able sit in on their children's interviews. They refused to allow their children to be interviewed without one of the parents being present and stuck to their guns. Their bishops accepted the demands and allowed a parent to be present.

[bytebear]

I think part of the church's concern might also be that if the child is being abused at home, they want to give him the opportunity to express any issues without parental pressure.

[Seanette]

I take it your son is home-schooled, thus not around any school staff he might be alone with?

I take it he does not go to friends' homes, where he might be exposed to adult/teen family members of his friends without your presence?

I take it you plan to not attend your own Sunday classes, but stay in his so other adults aren't around him without you right there?

I take it you are always there when he's around any relative or neighbor?

I myself am a child abuse survivor (between my parents, I got the full range), and would be much qualmier about my child being around some of my relatives than about him/her having the chance to learn that the leader called by God for his ward is someone he/she can safely talk to. After all, relatives, school staff, and so on are more likely to get out of line, statistically speaking. If he can't go anywhere there are adults without a parent there, scouting (which is a part of the Aaronic priesthood program, if I understand correctly) is going to be a bit of a challenge for your family.

Aside from feeling like you're saying that you overrule church policy as set by those called of God and ratified with Him on how your son is allowed to interact with church leaders, it's probably not good for him to be so closely monitored that he has no privacy or autonomy. What happens when he's old enough to NEED some privacy and breathing room?

[TalkativeIntrovert]

I have always had the option of being in the interviews with my children. I have left it up to the child to decide if they want either of their parents there. Sometimes they have, sometimes they haven't. Regardless, we are always close by. It helps that we have known the Bishop and his family for a long time - even before joining the church.

I totally understand where you are coming from in regards to a relative stranger discussing sexuality 1:1 with a child. You are right - anyone who thinks that abuse does not happen under these situation is being naïve. Even without the fear of abuse, I would like to know what is being discussed so I can be there to answer any questions that may come up.

I wrote a post recently as my son (13) was interviewed for the position of Deacon's Quorum President. He was not asked about masturbation, pornography, etc he was simply asked if he was following the law of chastity and he said yes. That is as it should be (though his understanding was incorrect and we are correcting that). Perhaps it is more easy going here in Australia, from some of the experiences I have read on this board and others, I believe so.

Re Seanette's questions about when children are with others, I can't recall any occasion where my children have been left completely alone with another adult. There have always been other children or adults around. Schools have policies that do not allow closed door 1:1. In regards to scouting, I always volunteered to be the female parent support when my children were on camp. Now they are older I am not as concerned, but at 10 I was very concerned.

This is a totally valid concern, I hope you get the outcome you want.

[Guest]

Before you get baptized, you probably need to really pray about the leadership of your ward. This church is a very community-oriented church where people work very closely together as a big family. Your children will be exposed to adult leadership and there will come a time that a situation happens that he will be alone with adults or peers... even that chance of him going by himself to the men's room and have an adult walk in there.

If you can't trust your bishop to be alone with your 10 year old, I don't know how you can then believe that he has priesthood keys to lead a ward.

I guess I just don't understand the zero-tolerance policy of protecting children. I have a completely different method of protection. My method is to teach my boys (since they were old enough to string 2 words together) to be proactive in their own protection because I prepare for the chance, however small, that they find themselves in a dangerous situation. Then I can give the children some slack to be active boys - roaming the neighborhood, jumping fences to visit neighbors, have some sleepovers, field herping in the community park, talk to the bishop about the law of chastity or go to school and sit through sex ed. We've been talking about all those since they were babies so they can stand confident on their principles. And they know good touch bad touch, stranger danger, fear manipulation, environmental awareness, passwords, etc. and we go through scenarios and problem solving. And they're trained jiujitsu fighters. Tools in their toolbox they can use for their own protection in case they find themselves in a bind. But yea, this is just what we do. We all have differing ways to protect our kids.

But I think the main issue here is the level of trust in ward leadership, especially the bishop. It would be a devastating blow to one's testimony to entrust the spiritual growth of a ward to a bishop that can't be trusted not to molest a 10-year old.

[Seanette]

Sounds healthier than the "no, don't ever be alone with anyone other than mommy or daddy, everyone else in the world is dangerous" approach.

[mnn727]

To a Carpenter with a Hammer, Every Problem Looks Like a Nail.

Since you said "I have been a child abuse educator", you may see each adult as a potential abuser.

Warning your children is always warranted - stunting their growth because of different possibilities is wrong.

Something for you to think about.

[NightSG]

Sounds healthier than the "no, don't ever be alone with anyone other than mommy or daddy, everyone else in the world is dangerous" approach.

Given the number of missionaries we hear about coming home early or having other serious problems because they've never been away from their parents before, I'd have to say this type of parenting is pretty prevalent. It also causes a lot of other problems when the child does leave home, and has no idea what to do in the world without mommy and daddy constantly there.

Frankly, I think the 1989 National Jamboree was one of the best things that ever happened to me; 12 days (we drove both ways, camping at state parks and military bases) 1,000 miles from my family at age 13, and most of the scouts and scoutmasters were from other troops in the council, so I only knew a couple of the adult leaders. While I was far from being "on my own," it was a much different support structure from what I was used to in a small town with parents, grandparents, and the inescapable 30-40 local cousins, and the experience helped a lot years later when I really was on my own for the first time in a strange city. Since then, I've reconnected with a few of the scouts from my Jamboree troop, and some of the others I met there, and the feeling seems to be pretty common that we all are better adults for having that experience.

[TalkativeIntrovert]

There is a big difference between a 10 yr old and a teen. Exposure to the big bad world comes in stages appropriate to the child's development. Sure, if a mission aged teen/young adult has not had exposure to the world there may be something wrong

There may also be a difference in views/trust levels between recent converts and church born people at play here.

When you have been exposed yourself to the unsavoury elements in society (and even if you haven't), it is natural to not immediately trust someone in the situation described (1:1, sexual talk). This does not mean you are hanging off your child and not letting them grow in other areas. It means you are being cautious in this particular scenario.

As for scouts, I had a situation where I observed a scout masters doing what I suspect was grooming a child. I actually thought she was his child to start with, when I found out she wasn't, that set off alarm bells. When he found an opportunity to be alone with her (she had an allergic reaction to something and couldn't go on a hike with the rest of the troop), I insisted that it was proper to have me stay back at the camp as well. He tried to talk me and the other scout leader out of it, I refused to budge as I had a bad feeling. Whilst we were at the camp waiting for the parent to pick up the child he tried to get me to leave the common area to go and check out tents or toilets or something. Again I refused to leave him alone with the child. He actually tried to bully me into it. Whilst nothing happened, I truly believe it was only because I stayed at camp. I reported it, but did not hear the outcome.

Being in the scouts and/or the church does not mean immunity from abuse.

Being in the Scouts and Church are good things and shouldn't be hindered by personal experiences or anecdotes, but it doesn't mean you have to trust completely. Putting procedures in place to protect your child makes sense until you can develop trust in the church/leaders and that the child does have all the tools to deal with anything that may happen.

[Jennarator]

I was right there in the room when my daughter was interviewed for her baptism. I was right there in the room when she interviewed with the bishop when she turned twelve and went into young women.

[Seanette]

So what happens to the older kids of "never out of my sight, I'm always totally involved in everything my child does" parents when they NEED to be able to confide in another adult about things troubling them that mommy and/or daddy can't or won't deal with? Does that adolescent have NO right to privacy or any degree of independence greater than that of a toddler?

[Smudge]

Given the number of missionaries we hear about coming home early or having other serious problems because they've never been away from their parents before, I'd have to say this type of parenting is pretty prevalent. It also causes a lot of other problems when the child does leave home, and has no idea what to do in the world without mommy and daddy constantly there.

The missionary who baptised my sister ran away from the mission after he moved to his next area - got to the airport 500 miles away before he realised he needed his passport which was safely at the mission office - they convinced him to go back to the mission office but he didn't continue with his mission. He had never spent a night away from one or both of his parents - never even stayed with relatives without them - and all camps either his dad was there as a priest leader or scout master or his mum was the cook/first aider.

My house mate suggested that maybe if you agreed to sit silently in the room during the interview you would be there but you couldn't be seen to be coaching your childs responses and likewise you can ensure that nothing untoward happens and that they person interviewing isn't coaching your child either