Do I Tell My Wife?

[Dr T]

I'd love to hear what he decided to do with that information and how it turned out. After all, the OP was over a year ago.

[MorningStar]

She has the right to know. There are many things that upset spouses that people should tell their spouses about anyway - overspending, infidelity, etc. Painful consequences aren't a good reason to withhold information. If she finds out somehow and you aren't upfront, she will think you did something else. That's what happens when spouses lie. The other spouse thinks, "If they lied about that, what else did they lie about?" When my friend got a bunch of credit cards without telling her husband, he was so upset, he was asking her if she had a boyfriend too or was on drugs. It is much better to hear it from your spouse than find out some other way.

[ruthiechan]

If your wife would divorce you over a few kisses, there's something else wrong with your relationship. I'm absolutely not saying that what you did is okay. It isn't. But a husband who wants to work on his marriage shouldn't fear summary dismissal for telling the truth about a mistake. There are marriages that survive a full-fledged affair when both parties are committed.

Is she looking for an excuse to get divorced? It seems to me there must be more going on, on your end, on hers, or both.

There are many women who view any amount of cheating as deal breakers. It may not have anything to do with looking for an excuse to get a divorce, but their own firm belief that any kind of cheating should not be tolerated and is grounds for divorce. His wife probably felt this way before they even married. I personally disagree with such a notion as it is a rather unforgiving view point.

[ruthiechan]

She has the right to know. There are many things that upset spouses that people should tell their spouses about anyway - overspending, infidelity, etc. Painful consequences aren't a good reason to withhold information. If she finds out somehow and you aren't upfront, she will think you did something else. That's what happens when spouses lie. The other spouse thinks, "If they lied about that, what else did they lie about?" When my friend got a bunch of credit cards without telling her husband, he was so upset, he was asking her if she had a boyfriend too or was on drugs. It is much better to hear it from your spouse than find out some other way.

You have a point there, but I still stand by the keep your mouth shut until the Spirit directs you to open it. Otherwise it could end very badly.

There's always the thought of telling her in front of the Bishop after talking to the Bishop about it. . . but that's something the OP, the Bishop and The Lord need to talk about.

[ruthiechan]

I'd love to hear what he decided to do with that information and how it turned out. After all, the OP was over a year ago.

*sheepish* I didn't even notice that. I just figured it was all new since it was up at the top.

[unixknight]

Maybe you should have thought about your children BEFORE you kissed another woman! I don't mean to come off so harsh, but you were aware of how your wife felt before you did it, so why are you trying to use the kids as an excuse to not tell her now.

With respect, the part I bolded above is not in the least bit constructive. Of course he should have thought more before it happened but it's done now and pointing that out comes across as just an excuse for being rigid now in the response. (Not saying that's how you mean it, only that it comes across that way.) It's just another way of saying "Well you deserve whatever you get" which I vehemently disagree with.

Let's be honest here... A kiss isn't, in the grand scheme of things, anything like the worst case scenario. Frankly I'm more concerned with the idea that the wife would leave him over something like this. Kissing? Someone is honestly ready to end a marriage with kids over a few kisses? I'm sorry but that just doesn't strike me as at all reasonable.

Of course the wife has every right to feel hurt, betrayed, angry and everything in between, but people have done far worse than a few kisses and been able to repair the marriage. To be completely honest, I think the wife needs an adjustment on perspective before she's told anything.

If guilt is eating you up over it then yes, you should get it off your chest but it seems like some careful handling of this is in order. I think like PC said, maybe in an environment where it can be brought out in the open in a structured, constructive manner is the best place.

And yeah, ask the Bishop about it. If he tells you to tell her well then go the counseling route and prepare her first. I see no reason for the Bishop to object to that, especially when she's already given you that ultimatum. (Which hopefully she doesn't really mean.)

[deydream]

I commend you for stopping before making any worse mistakes with the OW. That takes a strong man to see where things are leading to, and ending it right away. Many people who cheat on their spouse say they didn't think things would go so far. It is a road that starts with thoughts, flirting, and goes on from there. Most people just don't look where they are going.

No matter how far the infidelity went, or how long ago, the wife does have a right to know. Talk to the bishop first to contiue the repentance process (confessing, and making restitution). Just stopping the sin isn't enought to repent. The bishop can also give you guidance on how to approach this problem. Pray to find the most gentle way to break it to her, and make sure you are sincere and show her your regret. If you have already talked to the bishop before, it will show you really feel sorry. Discuss with her a way to rebuild the trust you have lost (it is in your court now). Show her that you will hide nothing from her, because you have nothing else to hide.

The fact that you and your wife were having problems, and you turned outside the marriage, is a huge problem in itself. She probably didn't know how badly you felt. How can she work things out if she doesn't even know how serious the problems are? I think you underestmate your wife. Most women suspect something is going on by their husbands actions, but can't prove it.

Every woman I have ever met, including myself has said we would leave our husbands if they cheated on us. But it is different, when it actually happens to you, especially if you have kids. Take it from someone who has stayed through infidelity twice. However, 3 strikes and you're out in my book!

[candyprpl]

I've read most of the posts but not all, so if I say something someone has already said, I apologize.

In your original post you said you and your wife were separated at the time? Not that that makes it okay to flirt with someone else and kiss this person -- but your wife might be a little more understanding about the situation? I don't know your wife - of course - so I don't know how she'll react. I understand that she said she would leave you if she found out that something like this happened -- it's a lot easier to say something like that than it is to carry out. I also don't know how strong your relationship is or if you have Heavenly Father as the third party in your relationship -- but if you do have these things then I would suggest that you do what everyone else has already suggested. My experience is that secrets are just as damaging as the act itself. I know that it won't be easy and that you are worried about your kids but I still feal that 'the secret' will hurt them more than the truth, in the long run. If this had happened to me and the guilt feeling wasn't going away, I would need to go to the Bishop and discuss this with him.

Many years ago (long, long before I joined the church) my husband and I had a similar situation, except I was the one who had flirted and had allowed some kissing (one time) to happen. I hated myself -- I loved my husband and I couldn't understand how I could let something like that happen. The guilt became too unbearable and I told him. He was hurt and mad but we talked and talked and talked and I gained his trust back. We loved eachother and that's what we focused on. We made sure that romance was part of the healing process.

[Islander]

I have been married for 10 years and have always been completely faithful. I have never flirted with another girl and my wife is the only woman I have had any relations with. We went through a bad spell a couple of years ago and I started flirting (I thought harmlesslessly with a workmate). One thing led to another and we ended up kissing. This happened a few times over a couple of weeks. I realised how stupid this was. I stopped it. I broke off contact and got a new job where I don't see her. Do you think I should tell my wife. I am certain that she will end the marriage if I do. Is it better just to keep this to myself and never do it again. Would this be considered sinful not to confess. Do I need to tell my bishop who will then probably tell me to discuss with my wife?

Any advise please?

The most unfortunately and delicate situation. I would not ad to the chastising you have already received from some of the members of the forum. I would rather concentrate on the question at hand.

Disclosure of transgressions of any kind kind has to meet a number of conditions: one that the situation at hand has the potential of hurting/injuring physically the offended party. Two: that the offense had the potential to destroy the marriage on account of the transgression being grounds to dissolve the sealing. Three that the offended party is required to be involved for monitoring, support, encouragement, treatment and/or accountability.

I suggest that although your wife will be extremely unhappy, upset and incensed about this kind of behavior, I doubt seriously she will run to the court house and file for divorce. Again, I am in no way minimizing or exonerating you from your disloyalty. However, I am suggesting that it may actually be quite toxic and counter productive to share something that happened 2 years ago with no further repercussions. It is the kind of information that can push a marriage into a coma when the affliction was actually a very bad cold. I would be inclined to keep it quiet and put this behind you.

I would feel much better if you would have gone to counseling to understand (truly) the root cause of your affair. A "rough patch" is not insight. You could be referring to several days of indigestion for all I know. I think some professional intervention would provide the level of understanding as to hedge against further "rough patches" leading to kissing or something worse.

You should be brave and humble and consult with your bishop. It may illicit the kind of repentance sometimes needed to close forever this "escape hatch" built out of weakness. He is also the most indicated to suggest after all if you should or not share this with your wife.

Just my two cents. More like three, I thought.

[RainofGold]

Well I'm going to share my experience with you and then you can decide what the right answer is for (you) and your wife. You sound like a man with a lot of integrity, and even though you did kiss this girl you were smart enough to put a stop to it in time. Why I think that is very important that you tell your wife? well my husband didn't just "kiss" this girl that was working with him, but had an affair. I also always told him that I would never, never forgive him if he ever had any kind of relations with another women. But he did and I found out, I was really really upset and even though I had being married for 10 years and had two young children I kicked out of the house. I felt betrayed and hurt. He worked on our relationship, went to counseling together, to the bishop and eventually he moved back in. I forgave him and eight years later I can say that he is a better man, and our marriage couldn't be better.

To me the reason that you don't tell your wife is because you are thinking more of yourself like you did back when you kiss this girl. You are more worried about what's going to happen to you and how hurting her is going to make you feel. Believe me if your wife loves you, really loves you, your marriage can overcome this. But she is going to appreciate more that you are being brave enough to tell her yourself, than you can look her in the eyes and feel that you have nothing to hide.

[Guest queriesqueries]

Wow. I came looking for this exact discussion, I'm in a similar situation and was agonizing over what to do. Even though it sounds like opinion is strong on confessing to bishop/spouse/both, I gotta say, it's not gonna happen for me... no way am I brave enough to face that road. At least not today.

[zookeeper]

My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply

DON'T TELL HER! (IMO) Repent and be the awesomest husband in the world forever more. Don't burden her with the pain and distrust. That is YOUR burden to carry, not hers. I think it comes down to protecting the family. Which, of course, includes NEVER doing that again!!!!

[Hemidakota]

My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply

Take this matter to the Lord...have faith in yourself in receiving that answer. If not, then fast over this issue. Next, listen to what the answer He may give and follow through. Remember, follow through on what will be given...

[georgia2]

My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply

Every woman says this until it happens to them! Then they usually handle it in a way they never believed they would. You say this happened in the past, you have not done it in a long time, you have separated yourself from the temptation. You have done all the things that you should have done. These things alone give you credibility.

Show how how much you love and respect her by telling her.

It will hurt, but not as bad as if you had an affair. You stopped it before it got that far. She has to give you credit for that. THat would be a lot better that getting a phone call in the middle of the night by a drunk woman who wants to get revenge!

Ask me how i know!

[Guest queriesqueries]

Hey, I thought you all might be interested in an update related to this topic.

I went to see my bishop a few weeks ago, and told him I hadn't broken any temple covenants, but had done something *not good* and wasn't sure if I should confess to him or not.

He stopped me and read straight out of the Big Book of Bishops (or whatever their handbook is...) the conditions when confession is required. Things to be considered included how much time had lapsed; service and activity level; whether in a prominent position or not; and a few other things I am not remembering. Then he asked if what I had done met the conditions, and I had to conclude that I didn't need to tell him.

I think robbiewinters situation would be the same. Although his question was not about confessing to the bishop, it was about confessing to his wife. Interestingly, my bishop's council to me, in my situation, knowing what he knows about divorce, was "Save the marriage at all costs." I am sure that would not *always* be his advice, but I expect that robbiewinters could apply that bit of advice to his situation and not confess to Mrs. robbiewinters.

[MorningStar]

Not telling her is a horrible idea. She will find out. The Spirit has probably told her something happened already, so it will be a relief to have those feelings explained to her. If she finds out another way and then he is explaining his side of the story after getting caught, he won't sound believable. "No, I swear. I only kissed her and that was it." How many times have guys said that when the wife finds a note or a strange woman calls her house? First they deny anything is going on. When the evidence surfaces, "Oh ok honey, I did have something going on with that woman, but we never went all the way. Honest!"

People who have nothing to hide don't.

A friend of mine kept having horrible feelings her husband cheated on her without an ounce of proof. She told him how bothered she was, he listened to her, tried to comfort her, and after months she was still having those horrible feelings. He drove her to the doctor's office to be put on anti-depressants knowing what she suspected was true. He met a woman in line on a nature tour (with his little boy there) and they had a fling. He let his poor wife torture herself and to continue hiding what he had done, let her go on unnecessary medication.

Always tell the truth.

[skylercollins]

It's been a year, I wonder what he's done about the situation.

[Islander]

I would have to agree with zookeeper. Telling her would not add anything of value to the relationship. She can not help not do you require her support currently to overcome the situation since it is over and done and a long time has elapsed. Disclosure has its place and time and a role to play under certain circumstances. This is not one of them.

In cases like this it is about being practical and pragmatic. Disclosure could bring pain, suffering, heartache, jealousy, anger, emotional separation and resentment. And no, it will NOT make the relationship stronger but rather, potentially, fracture and damage it irreparably. In this particular case, follow the counsel of your Bishop.

[ruthiechan]

. In this particular case, follow the counsel of your Bishop.

Shouldn't we, in general, always follow the counsel of our Bishop?

[Elgama]

lol funny how a year can change a person I read my original opinion on this and completely disagree with myself

-Charley

[Islander]

Shouldn't we, in general, always follow the counsel of our Bishop?

I agree with you. I think that since he seems to be hesitating, I wanted to reinforce the choice that in my view is the correct one. Just in case he was thinking about exercising his agency in a different direction, I was adding my vote.

[ruthiechan]

Seriously Elgama? That's amusing! It's amazing what we learn over time en't it?

[Laureltree]

As a woman I will tell you this...

You are asking because you feel deep down that you should tell her, but fear keeps you from it. If we lived in fear daily..what would life really be ?

I agree with getting some marriage counseling, start working on the cause of the problem...like what got the two of you to this point in your life. You also will have to realize that although problems in your marriage made you feel as if you needed to find happiness else where, your choice was that your choice...it was not caused because of the problems with in the relationship...rather a problem within yourself, your lack of communication and committment to work on the issues of your marriage. Once you work on these issues within yourself, and work on the stresses that brought you to this point, your wife will be more apt to listen. I do suggest nightly and daily couples prayer, this will highly help through this period while your doing the couples couseling. I will keep you in my prayers...remember have faith in your wife and her love for you.

just my 2 cents :)

[Hemidakota]

Hey, I thought you all might be interested in an update related to this topic.

I went to see my bishop a few weeks ago, and told him I hadn't broken any temple covenants, but had done something *not good* and wasn't sure if I should confess to him or not.

He stopped me and read straight out of the Big Book of Bishops (or whatever their handbook is...) the conditions when confession is required. Things to be considered included how much time had lapsed; service and activity level; whether in a prominent position or not; and a few other things I am not remembering. Then he asked if what I had done met the conditions, and I had to conclude that I didn't need to tell him.

I think robbiewinters situation would be the same. Although his question was not about confessing to the bishop, it was about confessing to his wife. Interestingly, my bishop's council to me, in my situation, knowing what he knows about divorce, was "Save the marriage at all costs." I am sure that would not *always* be his advice, but I expect that robbiewinters could apply that bit of advice to his situation and not confess to Mrs. robbiewinters.

Church Handbook of Instructions...if it was me, I would just ask the Spirit for discernment.

[alwaysatruthseeker]

Purposefully destroying your marriage(100% sure she'll leave) and family to "salve your conscience" seems like you want out of the marriage to me and this is your "noble" way of getting out. Sorry to be so blunt, I listen to too much Dr Laura.

Go to the Lord in prayer, ask him to forgive you, and reveal to you your next step. Why not channel your guilt into being an incredible husband? Why not each time you feel bad do something nice for her, do the dishes, change a diaper, when your kids have left home, if you feel like your temple marriage is still worth nuking over a few kisses 15 years prior, then by all means go ahead, but don't destroy your kids childhood's because your wife is currently to immature to forgive and you know it!