Do I Tell My Wife?

[jjrogers]

As a woman, I would be livid with my husband. I would yell, scream and threaten divorce BECAUSE of how hurt, devistated and betrayed I would feel. For the sake of my children I would stay. But our marriage would be in serious trouble and I would have great difficulty in ever trusting him again. On top of that to find out he hadn't talked to the Bishop would make me even madder that he did priesthood duties he wasn't worthy to do. And to know that God was not important enough in his life to at least face God even if he didn't want to face me.

[FunkyTown]

As a woman, I would be livid with my husband. I would yell, scream and threaten divorce BECAUSE of how hurt, devistated and betrayed I would feel. For the sake of my children I would stay. But our marriage would be in serious trouble and I would have great difficulty in ever trusting him again. On top of that to find out he hadn't talked to the Bishop would make me even madder that he did priesthood duties he wasn't worthy to do. And to know that God was not important enough in his life to at least face God even if he didn't want to face me.

Holy cow, you are awesome.

[Elgama]

Seriously Elgama? That's amusing! It's amazing what we learn over time en't it?

lol yup I would tell her I'd rather know now than entering the eternal life thinking things are great and discovering my husband isn't there. Also think that maybe more distressing for children

-Charley

[Elgama]

As a woman, I would be livid with my husband. I would yell, scream and threaten divorce BECAUSE of how hurt, devistated and betrayed I would feel. For the sake of my children I would stay. But our marriage would be in serious trouble and I would have great difficulty in ever trusting him again. On top of that to find out he hadn't talked to the Bishop would make me even madder that he did priesthood duties he wasn't worthy to do. And to know that God was not important enough in his life to at least face God even if he didn't want to face me.

your exactly right I received a blessing once from a priesthood holder that was unworthy to do so, it made my life a lot more difficult I couldn't understand why my illness wasn't going when the things it had said had happened then I woke up one night and remembered who had given me the blessing, I rolled over asked my husband if he would give me the healing blessing I was supposed to have had, it was very different and made more sense. What upsets me is I wasted 10 years on that intial blessing, his wife had also known about some of his infidelities and not said anything

_Charley

[BenRaines]

Quoted from earlier post

"He stopped me and read straight out of the Big Book of Bishops (or whatever their handbook is...) the conditions when confession is required. Things to be considered included how much time had lapsed; service and activity level; whether in a prominent position or not; and a few other things I am not remembering. Then he asked if what I had done met the conditions, and I had to conclude that I didn't need to tell him."

If I understand what your understanding of what the Bishop said you could have done some serious immoral sin, met with a prostitute a few times, carried on an affair with a coworker, etc. and as long as enough time has elapsed and no one else knows about it and you continued to do your home teaching and serve in the church, etc that you wouldn't need to confess it to the Bishop? Personally I don't think so.

Having sat in that chair before, any transgression that involves breaking the law of chastity should be taken up with the Bishop. What is done about it afterwords is between you, the Bishop and The Lord.

It reminds me of a talk once given to Bishops. In the the general authority giving the talk said "Bishops, do you ask young men who come before you to interview before their missions, are you morally clean?, and when they say yes you go Phew. You need to find out what their understanding of morally clean is and work from a common understanding". That is how I remember what he said.

As I have said in other threads. To stop doing a sin is not repentance. The first step is to recognize you have sinned and the second is to feel remorse. To feel bad for having sinned against God. Stopping just because I know it is wrong is not repentance.

Ben Raines

[Hemidakota]

A good source is "The Meaning of Repentance"By Elder Theodore M. Burton, Of the First Quorum of Seventy beside the book called "Miracle of Forgiveness",

Link: LDS.org - Ensign Article - The Meaning of Repentance

[RainofGold]

lol funny how a year can change a person I read my original opinion on this and completely disagree with myself

-Charley

Since we don't have a laugh button......:D

[Hemidakota]

Charley, there are a few notable opinions I had to change myself in the last four years. One that I had adjusted dramatically was the Atonement.

[Hemidakota]

Quoted from earlier post

"He stopped me and read straight out of the Big Book of Bishops (or whatever their handbook is...) the conditions when confession is required. Things to be considered included how much time had lapsed; service and activity level; whether in a prominent position or not; and a few other things I am not remembering. Then he asked if what I had done met the conditions, and I had to conclude that I didn't need to tell him."

If I understand what your understanding of what the Bishop said you could have done some serious immoral sin, met with a prostitute a few times, carried on an affair with a coworker, etc. and as long as enough time has elapsed and no one else knows about it and you continued to do your home teaching and serve in the church, etc that you wouldn't need to confess it to the Bishop? Personally I don't think so.

Having sat in that chair before, any transgression that involves breaking the law of chastity should be taken up with the Bishop. What is done about it afterwords is between you, the Bishop and The Lord.

It reminds me of a talk once given to Bishops. In the the general authority giving the talk said "Bishops, do you ask young men who come before you to interview before their missions, are you morally clean?, and when they say yes you go Phew. You need to find out what their understanding of morally clean is and work from a common understanding". That is how I remember what he said.

As I have said in other threads. To stop doing a sin is not repentance. The first step is to recognize you have sinned and the second is to feel remorse. To feel bad for having sinned against God. Stopping just because I know it is wrong is not repentance.

Ben Raines

Three areas of the meaning of repentance that is given by the Bishop of the Church was the following:

1] We can learn more about the meaning of repentance from the thirty-third chapter of Ezekiel, where we read, “If the wicked restore the pledge, give again that he had robbed, walk in the statutes of life, without committing iniquity; he shall surely live, he shall not die.” (Ezek. 33:15.)

Let us analyze these three steps of repentance. The first is commitment—to “restore the pledge.” This is the most difficult step in the repentance process. What does “restoring the pledge” mean?

2] This illustration, however, disregards the important element of mercy, which I will try to make clear in discussing a second step in the process of repentance—restitution, or to “give again that [which we have] robbed.” (Ezek. 33:15.) If you have stolen money or goods, you can repay them—even sizable amounts, in time. But what if you have robbed yourself of virtue? Is there anything you can do, of yourself, to restore your virtue? Even if you gave your very life, you could not restore your virtue. But—perish the thought—does that then mean that it is useless to attempt restitution by performing significant good works or that your sin is unforgivable? No!

Jesus Christ has paid for your sin and has thus satisfied justice. Therefore, he will extend mercy to you—if you repent. True repentance on your part, including a change in your life-style, enables Christ, in mercy, to forgive your sin.

3] Now we come to a third step of repentance—forsaking sin, or striving to “walk in the statutes of life, without committing iniquity.” (Ezek. 33:15.) We must forsake our sins, one by one. If we do this, the Lord has promised: “None [not even one] of his sins that he hath committed shall be mentioned unto him: he hath done that which is lawful and right; he shall surely live.” (Ezek. 33:16.)

In our day, the Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith, “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.”

How do we know if a man or a woman has repented of his or her sins? The Lord answers that question in the next verse: “By this ye may know if a man repenteth of his sins—behold, he will confess them and forsake them.” (D&C 58:42–43.)

[Liesl]

This is a tough one.... may I tell you my experience as 'the wife'. My husband has been in a band for many yrs and you can imagine the attention he is constantly getting. He would tell me some things that had taken place so I would hear it from him and not someone else...... it was hard and hurt everytime.

I had told him a few times that if I caught him cheating on me in anyway, I would leave as I didn't see the point in fighting for something he forgot about for a 'moment'. Well,... it's one thing to say it, another to act upon it.

A few yrs ago I stumbled upon evidence that blew my world to pieces, and you know what?.... I never left. But the deceit was the killer.

My advice to you is that you go see your bishop, then tell your wife. But pray for the Spirit to guide you and soften her heart.... after that there is not much else you can do. But if she had to find out by accident..... the deceit will make trusting you that much more difficult.

Good luck

[bert10]

I hope you haven't told her yet.

The timing of Information is critical - as Critical as the action. Imagine if Jesus at the first day of Ministry had said....Hey everyone I am God!.

First use your hurt conscience to learn about "Unconditional Love" and then Live it with your wife and others.

With unconditional love....you will learn.....

1. To have patience that you never thought that you had with your spouse.

2. To Cease to criticize your spouse. It won't matter if your spouse fails in anything. Instead you will learn to advise and teach without coercion or force, but in gentleness, patience and forgiveness.

3. To forgive all the time. It is amazing how easily forgiveness can be given...

4. To not judge the person.

5. In the end it will banish all fears.

With "Unconditional Love" it does not mean that we do not express disappointments or wants and needs and desires to our spouse. It means that we can understand our Spouse point of view and their failures to meet any part of our expectations. "Unconditional Love" does not "compel" nor "condones any type of Forces to be applied" Because we shall always have the Love of GOD in our heart and the fruits of this love is in our expression of patience, understanding our spouse from her point of view, also forgiveness, mercy are always present with us. By these fruits one may know who has come unto Christ....Again the complete acceptance of our Spouse which is part of "Unconditional Love" - who amongst us do not wish to be completely accepted warts and all by our Spouse just as we are? Who but the most hardened of hearts can leave such a person who has been expressing this type of love in a marriage?

Once you are able to live this love with the timing of GOD you can tell her. In any case....It will be extremely hard for her to leave you if you had been living "Unconditional Love" with her for a while.

With "Unconditional Love" that last things that shall leave you is your fears. For fears cannot exist with this love. And if she does leave you, after you have shown her this "type of Love" then it shall fall on her head....a person who has learned "Unconditional Love" is then able to receives it at the hands of GOD that person is never again alone or in fears.

Peace be unto you

bert10

I have been married for 10 years and have always been completely faithful. I have never flirted with another girl and my wife is the only woman I have had any relations with. We went through a bad spell a couple of years ago and I started flirting (I thought harmlesslessly with a workmate). One thing led to another and we ended up kissing. This happened a few times over a couple of weeks. I realised how stupid this was. I stopped it. I broke off contact and got a new job where I don't see her. Do you think I should tell my wife. I am certain that she will end the marriage if I do. Is it better just to keep this to myself and never do it again. Would this be considered sinful not to confess. Do I need to tell my bishop who will then probably tell me to discuss with my wife?

Any advise please?

Edited December 25, 2008 by bert10

[whoknowswhat]

Timing is critical:

RIGHT AWAY.

Let me speak from personal experience as a husband who has hidden things from his wife. Your marriage will not progress. You have created a wound, and covering it up is like letting it heal with shrapnel inside. Your marriage cannot progress, your wound will not heal until you open it and clean it.

If a bishop asks you "have you repented?" the answer is clearly no. Repentance requires confession. In this case I would say it is up to you whether or not to take it to your bishop, but your wife is a definite must.

In the words of my wife, upon finding out that I had had problems years before and hidden it:

"It's not what you did that hurts as much as the fact that you hid it from me. How can I trust you now?"

The answer came as I was completely open and honest with her from that moment forward, immediately confessing even when it was the exact same thing over and over.

Will it hurt? Yes definitely. Is it the only way to move forward? Yes, definitely.

[bert10]

H! Whoknowswhat.

What is good for you is not necessarily good for everyone else. God always timed the information....even commanded on it.

To not give meat to children. And if one gives our spouse something that they cannot deal with at the moment we will cause more harm than Good.

confession...is to GOD first and the rest will take care of itself as we allow God to prepare the spouse to handle it.

Remember the husband is the head of his family. It is also the man who shall receives the revelations for his family.

Peace be unto you

bert10

Edited January 18, 2009 by bert10

[jiminycricket]

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to point out that this appears to be a dead thread. It has been more than half a year since robbie started this thread, and more than half a year since his last post in it. He hasn't thanked any posts (with the button, I mean). I don't think he's paying attention anymore (correct me if I'm wrong, robbie). By now I'm sure he is locked into whichever path he has chosen (I have my money on not telling her), and there is little chance of him changing his path based on the conflicting advice he receives here. If you want to continue posting here, you might bear that in mind and ask yourself, "Why do I want to post?"

If you want to post to lend further light on the topic to visitors who are in situations similar to robbie's, address your post to them.

If you want to post in order to come to a consensus on some issue, address your post to other writers.

Whatever the case, I think it pointless to address robbie until he shows up again.

JiminyC

NOTE: Please see Faded's post on the next page for a better way to handle this situation. Thanks, Faded!

Edited January 20, 2009 by jiminycricket
Added note redirecting readers to Faded's post

[smileyjewel]

Without trust you cannot have a relationship ... and with children involved, ending a relationship over a kiss would be a bad thing. I know that in my first marriage, when my husband started kissing around and I found out, I was turned into a crazed monster. I would check his pockets, call his work if he was 5 minutes late, would have friends "spy" on him. For me this worked because he was cheating but it turned me into someone I hope no one else ever turns into. It was crazy and I was crazy. If it was just a kiss STOP talk to your Bishop and follow his council. But don't tell her if you truly stopped. It will make her crazy! Don't hide it .. but dont go running to confess.

[john doe]

It is perfectly acceptable to reopen old threads and discuss them. While the original poster may not come here anymore, the information and discussion can be applied to similar situations which many of our members may be going through. The exception would be if the thread is closed by a moderator.

[Faded]

Please Note:

robbiewinters

Junior Member

JOINED 06/07/2007

LAST LOGIN: 06/29/2007 02:25:46

While I don't see a problem resurrecting old threads, as a general rule I think it would be preferable to start a new one so people are not under the impression that everyone is still responding to the Original Poster. Plenty of people will leap first and look at the dates on the thread later.

Typical forum ediquitte would be to quote the Original Poster and relevant subsequent posts if you like, explain that it's an old thread, leave a link to the original, and then use that as the first post of a new thread.

[jiminycricket]

Thanks, Faded... I'm still a rookie in the world of online forums, so the tips on how to handle situations like this are appreciated. Do we go and ask a moderator to lock this one up now?

JC

[pam]

I think it depends on the topic. Now if we are discussing a book, and the book hasn't been discussed in 3-4 months..starting a new thread doesn't make sense to me. You simply post "Hey I just found this and would like to add my two cents to it." That could open it up to others who may not have seen a thread that has not been used in some time.

[happyeverafter]

Yes tell your wife, I am the girl who found out on my own and it hurt more than if he would of came and told me. Don't think that she can't feel that something is not right, she may not know what "it" is but she knows. You owe her your honesty ...she said yes to you when you asked her to marry you. She has given you years, some that may not have been the best for you OR her.

Sorry if you feel that I may have been a little hard on you.

As girls we NEED to know that we are enough, as we send our husbands off to work in a world of beautiful women. WE FEAR THIS VERY THING.

To know that your husband WANTS YOU sometimes out weighs the pain. To know that you choose her today and forever could be the point YOU needed to come to.

[Justice]

The most important thing is that you stop the behavior.

I know you said you have... this time. But, once you engange in a behavior it's much easier to repeat. This is partly why we tell someone, so we have a check. Someone who cares about us who will always be there to keep us on track.

Often, people say things before they have to deal with them. When they actually have to deal with them, they surprise even themselves with their behavior and what they can deal with.

I think the counsel to tell her is wise. But, often there are more than one way to address a situation. Seeking help first is also wise. This is where your Bishop, or even your Stake President may help you. These are men that can help you check the behavior; someone who YOU KNOW that will ask you from time to time if you are heading down this path again. That alone will help you avoid it in the furture. As long as you believe the behavior is secret, the chance of repeating it is higher.

Study it out in your mind, using all the advice you have been given, and arrive at what YOU think is the best course of action. Take it to your Heavenly Father in prayer and you will know if He approves.

One thing I do know, though, is that you will never be forgiven until you tell her. Confession is one of the steps to repentance. When you pray, be willing to accept whatever He tells you to do, knowing He can work things out for you no matter what action you choose to take.

(We often reply, also, for others who may be going through the same things and looking for advice)

[Faded]

Thanks, Faded... I'm still a rookie in the world of online forums, so the tips on how to handle situations like this are appreciated. Do we go and ask a moderator to lock this one up now?

JC

Typically, it's not a big enough deal to trouble a moderator with. It's not one person attacking another, rude or offensive behavior or somebody picking a fight. Moderators are going to tend to focus their efforts on those sorts of things of course.

You just end up with a whole lot of people (see the last couple posts) who are responding to a post and circumstance that hasn't been checked on by the Original Poster for close to 2 years. It's still useful for discussion's sake, but in a case where the OP was asking for advice, people are firing back advice that the OP will probably never see. Almost like writing letters and mailing them to a person who's dead -- it could be seen as a waste of time and effort.

I'm mostly pointing out how it's usually done to avoid the confusion.

[bclaggett]

You need closure on this one way or another. Is there more going on than what you write? You slipped, you stopped, you repented, you changed jobs, you've been sin-free since. I'm a bit puzzled that your wife would divorce you over something that is now history. Was she betrayed before by someone else? Did you ever give her reason to think you might stray during dating or otherwise? She seems unusually emtionally charged about anything remotely threatening your marriage. Is she jealous of other things?

If you sincerely believe it's either--

a) tell her and the marriage is over or

b) keep it to myself to keep the marriage

what kind of marriage do you have? Even if you don't tell her, are there issues in the marriage you want to improve?

When I have hard decisions to make, I follow the counsel of my first bishop: study the issue out in my mind, gathering all available relevant information. Make my best decision. Submit it to the Lord and listen for His answer. Do I get the Holy Ghost touching me telling me it's true, a negative response, a stupor of thought (a numbness or no answer), or what?

Let us know what happens, we care.

B