Do I Tell My Wife?

[robbiewinters]

I have been married for 10 years and have always been completely faithful. I have never flirted with another girl and my wife is the only woman I have had any relations with. We went through a bad spell a couple of years ago and I started flirting (I thought harmlesslessly with a workmate). One thing led to another and we ended up kissing. This happened a few times over a couple of weeks. I realised how stupid this was. I stopped it. I broke off contact and got a new job where I don't see her. Do you think I should tell my wife. I am certain that she will end the marriage if I do. Is it better just to keep this to myself and never do it again. Would this be considered sinful not to confess. Do I need to tell my bishop who will then probably tell me to discuss with my wife?

Any advise please?

[JcDean78]

Tough situation my friend. If she does not find out this life, she sure will in the next. My advice is to be honest with her and prove that she is the only one you want. I would also involve the Bishop as this is a very serious thing.

I can not keep anything from my wife. The guilt would eat me up inside until it destroyed me. Rid yourself of this burden and tell her the truth. The path ahead will not be easy, but at least it will be the right path.

[Missitta]

My advice as a wife.....ABSOUTELY TELL HER!!!!!! From experience the things you try to hide come out eventually whether it takes months or years and normally in a horrible way that will hurt your relationship way worse than you coming clean will. You said you have already been hiding this for years...think about how much relief you will feel when you get it off your chest. Will she be mad? Of course and very understandably so. She will most likely yell, scream, threaten to leave, all of it and you will need to take it. Don't let her feel that she was to blame in any way. Just let her know it was a mistake and you want to save your marriage.

And definitely tell your bishop as well.

Best of luck to you.

[Brother Dorsey]

Robbie....

I agree with Jc and Lil...tell your wife....you have already repented in regards to ending the sin, now you have to repent in regards to the one you offended....your wife. This is the reason it is eating you up inside...the Spirit is telling you that the repentance process is not over yet. Will she be hurt? Yes, Mad? Yes...however if she truly loves you she will forgive you. And remember, the Lord can't forgive you until you forgive yourself.

I am not sure if just kissing is an offense you have to go to your Bishop about, but keep the option open if your wife wants too.

[robbiewinters]

My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply

[the_jason]

My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply

Absolutely. We must be honest in our dealings and be willing to accept the consequences. Ignoring or hiding a sin will not make it go away. We have to pay for them eventually. It's better for us if we do not procrastinate our repentance.

[robbiewinters]

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My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply

Absolutely. We must be honest in our dealings and be willing to accept the consequences. Ignoring or hiding a sin will not make it go away. We have to pay for them eventually. It's better for us if we do not procrastinate our repentance.

I am fine about suffering for it. What about my children? Should they suffer for it?

[JcDean78]

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My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply

Absolutely. We must be honest in our dealings and be willing to accept the consequences. Ignoring or hiding a sin will not make it go away. We have to pay for them eventually. It's better for us if we do not procrastinate our repentance.

110% agree. We must be honest and true in our dealings. We must not have anything to hide, one day all will be revealed. As for your kids, that is up to you and your wife. If she leaves you it will be hard on everyone but you can not justify covering it up. You owe it to your wife and your children to clear it up now.

It sounds like you have come here looking for support in telling you it is ok not to tell your wife. You seem to be searching for excusses when you know already what the right thing to do is. The choice is clear.

[prisonchaplain]

I'm not so sure I agree with the consensus here. While the OP discusses very inappropriate behavior, in the end the brother was mightily tempted, but did not commit adulterly.

In the end, disclosure may be necessary. However, it might be wise to seek counseling first. Perhaps there is a marriage counselor you could seek out--one who is sensitive to your faith tradition. Go alone, spell out what happened, what you've been through. Then, see what advice is offered. It might be that you will eventually meet jointly with your wife, and this matter may then come out in a healing environment, rather than as an out-of-the-blue bombshell.

[wiley]

Whether you should tell your wife or not; I think the answer is in you. It is good that you stopped it and you feel better. But something is still bugging you; something that will not allow you to let it go. If you are honest with how you feel, you will make the right decision. I'm not telling you what the right decision is, though I personally agree with the consensus here.

However, if the right answer is to tell your wife, then perhaps this thread would be better titled, "How do I tell my wife and keep my marriage?" Perhaps people can give their opinions as to the best way to handle the situation so that in the end, the family is strengthened instead of torn apart. Perhaps the wives here could have useful advice. If this happened to you, how would you want your husband to come clean? What would you want him to do to make amends; to show you that he really loves you and is committed to the family?

My advice, which is only my opinion and not complete, is that it is time to find that sex appeal you had for your wife before. To find what it was about her that kept you so faithful to her before. It has been my experience that if that appeal has been lost, it wasn't a result of your spouse changing, but rather you. And it is your choice to find that kind of love again for your spouse. (I'm not speaking to you robbie specifically here.)

(But now I am.) This is a generic way of saying this, but it is time to be that perfect husband. Not the one that does everything right by other's standards, but the one that is perfect to your wife. The one she dreamed about marrying in the first place. The one that makes her feel like she is the most important person in your life. The one that when other women see how you treat your wife, they grow jealous and wish their husbands would do the same. Each woman is different in how they like to be shown love, so I can't tell you exactly what I think you should do. And absolutely women and men differ here. Men know how they want to be loved. Women know how they want to be loved. But often I see men showing love to their wives the way that the men want to be loved. I see the same to be true to women. Show your wife love the way SHE wants to be loved. Only you know what that is, and if you don't, it is time to learn. I think that is also the best way to be a father to your children as well.

I'm speaking a little in fantasy here, I know. After 10 years of marriage, I hope I will be just as crazy about my wife as I am now. I'm not there yet, so it devalues my advice a little. But do I think it is possible? Absolutely yes.

[Guest Username-Removed]

robbiewinters

A lot of the people in here are letter of the law types. After all, all you see is letters on this screen! LOL

A kiss - thats all?

[Gwen]

I'm not so sure I agree with the consensus here. While the OP discusses very inappropriate behavior, in the end the brother was mightily tempted, but did not commit adulterly.

In the end, disclosure may be necessary. However, it might be wise to seek counseling first. Perhaps there is a marriage counselor you could seek out--one who is sensitive to your faith tradition. Go alone, spell out what happened, what you've been through. Then, see what advice is offered. It might be that you will eventually meet jointly with your wife, and this matter may then come out in a healing environment, rather than as an out-of-the-blue bombshell.

i think i'm gonna go with pc on this one. though what he did was wrong, and no excuses for it. his wife should be told. but he did not (assuming the whole story; no offense intended) have a full blown affair. i think the offence though great is forgivable. sounds like he took measures to make sure it didn't happen again, that is admerable. i think he should tell her in a way that will be healing not distructive. if i had something like that to tell hubby or reversed, i wouldn't want it to be at 10pm getting ready for bed, oh by the way......................, a fight would definatly erupt to add salt to the wound. in a counseling environment or even a bishop (at minimum) who has discussed it and understands where the offender is comming from and there to help explain and heal is far better. but don't expect it to be a fast healing, but could at least be possible.

[Vanilla]

A kiss - thats all?

It sounds like you are trivializing this, or were you actually asking, "A kiss, is that all there was to it?".

I am hoping it was the latter, because saying "A kiss - thats all?" as if it were nothing would be like responding "$1.00 - thats all?" when someone says they have stolen money. Kissing another woman as a married man would be in theory like "stealing" that kiss from your wife!

[JcDean78]

A kiss like you would your mom or a kiss like you would your wife back when you were first married? I guess we need to define what a kiss is? Not really, because it sounds like he cheated in his heart as well as with his body. Degree might matter with her but it really does not change what is the right thing to do.

I think you did all the right things to stop the problem and it is great that you want to make amends but the only way to do that is to be honest.

[Vanilla]

I am fine about suffering for it. What about my children? Should they suffer for it?

Maybe you should have thought about your children BEFORE you kissed another woman! I don't mean to come off so harsh, but you were aware of how your wife felt before you did it, so why are you trying to use the kids as an excuse to not tell her now.

Obviously you feel bad about it and it sounds like you truly want to make things right, but you have to remember that while you use your own free agency to do wrong, you don't get to choose the consequence, but you still have to live with it.

If you are truly as concerned with how this will affect your relationship with your wife (and children) as you would have us believe, then you will do what ever it takes to make it right.

Best wishes to you in your endeavor to fix this.

[ninjahobbit8]

I'm just happy you didn't get too carried away with her. It might be ideal for you to tell your wife before she somehow finds out on her own or if you see that woman again in walmart or something with your family. But those don't seem to be likely either. I hope you can find a solution to your problem!

[BenRaines]

My suggestion would be to first go to your Bishop for counsel. He is the one who can better address the level of sin and what is required to receive full repentance. It is a fine line. If you kissed her thinking about all the rest that could come after then you have truly lusted in your heart and that is the same as adultery. If you were just weak in a moment or two and kissed her then what should be done is up to you and I believe in this case you and your Bishop.

As for it all being revealed later in the afterlife that is only if you have not truly repented. If we are fully repentant then though our sins be crimson we shall be white as snow and the book of life wiped clean. I am hoping to only have good things written in the book by living a constantly repentant life.

Ben Raines

[prisonchaplain]

If you kissed her thinking about all the rest that could come after then you have truly lusted in your heart and that is the same as adultery. If you were just weak in a moment or two and kissed her then what should be done is up to you and I believe in this case you and your Bishop.

Of course, there is a sense in which this is true. My guess is that whenever a married man kisses another woman there has to be some sense of lust in the heart, and the need for repentence is real and severe. On the other hand, if a wife finds out her husband kissed another woman, she does not have scriptural grounds for divorce. So, if this woman is so fragil in her faith and her relationship with her husband, that she has already threatened that divorce would be the result--wise counsel from a bishop, or a counselor sensitive to your faith, should be the first action.

As for it all being revealed later in the afterlife that is only if you have not truly repented. If we are fully repentant then though our sins be crimson we shall be white as snow and the book of life wiped clean. I am hoping to only have good things written in the book by living a constantly repentant life.

I'm of a view that if are sins are forgiven and cast as far as the East is from the West, that such will not be held against us in the kingdom to come.

[Guest Username-Removed]

Robbie,

First of all it wasnt an affair, and that is at least grounds for divorce in my opinion. If the single kiss was something like a hello or goodbye kiss, then I dont see an issue since you have changed. If it was something passionate, then you have a problem. In my opinion, the passionate kiss goes against the whole marraige concept. If it was a passionate kiss, then you should probably should go to the bishop. further, if you were alone together, and it was very romantic, I got to say that would bother me if my spouse did that. I would want to know.

Just so you know, my wife cheated on me and she never said anything to me. I found out through other means. We had been divorced for nearly 3 years and after that amount of time I then found out. I really wasnt that upset, because we were already divorced, and I aready knew what she was capable of. If she had told me I would have forgiven her. But, on the other hand, she never did probably because she would have been fearful that I would have concerns in that area going forward - and she would have been right. A loss of freedom, even a percieved loss, can affect people in different ways. For her, she rolled the dice thinking that I wouldnt go through with the divorce. But the fact is, heavanly father knew what went on, and thats why I got my answer for the divorce.

If I were you, I would start getting humble, and fasting a bit and find out what heavanly father says. Its possible this might eventually make you and your wife closer after she finds out and you give it some time. The hard part will be in the beginning.

However, if it was a friendly co-worker peck on the check, and IMHO, forget all that I said and move on. If you look at Christ's laws in the New Testiment, they were strict, but he was always very forgiving. I think it would be a good thing to find yourself under his good graces.

[Guest Yediyd]

My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply

The others are right Robbie, no secret thing shall not be revealed. Tell her now....don't let her find out later...it will only get worse.

[a-train]

Dude,

Put it in a journal among lots of other things you want to confess and all your feelings about her and so forth. Talk about your love for her, everything. Through the years, let that journal grow and grow. Make the appropriate preparations so that if you pass away before her she can read it if she wishes. She will not be able to kill you when she finds out because you will be already dead!

She won't divorce you either, because you will be dead!

She might hate you and marry some lame, but when she passes through the veil you can work your charm and I bet she'll be yours again.

That's what I'd do.

-a-train

[orrinjelo]

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My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply

Absolutely. We must be honest in our dealings and be willing to accept the consequences. Ignoring or hiding a sin will not make it go away. We have to pay for them eventually. It's better for us if we do not procrastinate our repentance.

I am fine about suffering for it. What about my children? Should they suffer for it?

I would agree. You should be honest. You made a mistake, and confessing it is pretty much the first step. Of course, the mistake does has its consenquences. I'm not going to side with the seriousness of it (or if it was not at all), however. Another choice is involved here if you do confess--your wife's--so it's not all dependant on your decision. She can either leave you or forgive you (and we should forgive all, right? *nodnod*)

Then again, I'm not married.... ....but these are just my thoughts.

[tbauro]

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<div class='quotemain'>

My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply

Absolutely. We must be honest in our dealings and be willing to accept the consequences. Ignoring or hiding a sin will not make it go away. We have to pay for them eventually. It's better for us if we do not procrastinate our repentance.

I am fine about suffering for it. What about my children? Should they suffer for it?

I would agree. You should be honest. You made a mistake, and confessing it is pretty much the first step. Of course, the mistake does has its consenquences. I'm not going to side with the seriousness of it (or if it was not at all), however. Another choice is involved here if you do confess--your wife's--so it's not all dependant on your decision. She can either leave you or forgive you (and we should forgive all, right? *nodnod*)

Then again, I'm not married.... ....but these are just my thoughts.

<div class='quotemain'>

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<div class='quotemain'>

My wife has already said that if she ever found out anything like that she would leave me. I have 2 young children. Is it right for me to salve my conscience at the expense of a broken home for them. Would your advice be the same if you knew 100% that consequence would be divorce? Please think before you reply

Absolutely. We must be honest in our dealings and be willing to accept the consequences. Ignoring or hiding a sin will not make it go away. We have to pay for them eventually. It's better for us if we do not procrastinate our repentance.

I am fine about suffering for it. What about my children? Should they suffer for it?

I would agree. You should be honest. You made a mistake, and confessing it is pretty much the first step. Of course, the mistake does has its consenquences. I'm not going to side with the seriousness of it (or if it was not at all), however. Another choice is involved here if you do confess--your wife's--so it's not all dependant on your decision. She can either leave you or forgive you (and we should forgive all, right? *nodnod*)

Then again, I'm not married.... ....but these are just my thoughts.

[Saab900man]

I agree with everyone here that you must confess. You need to go to your bishop and talk about it with him. He will give you the counsel and guidance that you need to over come this action.

[tbauro]

I have been married for 10 years and have always been completely faithful. I have never flirted with another girl and my wife is the only woman I have had any relations with. We went through a bad spell a couple of years ago and I started flirting (I thought harmlesslessly with a workmate). One thing led to another and we ended up kissing. This happened a few times over a couple of weeks. I realised how stupid this was. I stopped it. I broke off contact and got a new job where I don't see her. Do you think I should tell my wife. I am certain that she will end the marriage if I do. Is it better just to keep this to myself and never do it again. Would this be considered sinful not to confess. Do I need to tell my bishop who will then probably tell me to discuss with my wife?

Any advise please?

My advice to you is that you don't have to tell your affairs years before because it gonna ruin your family. Discuss it with your Bishop. Your Bishop will never tell you to to discuss it with your wife. God knows what in your heart and he forgive you.

I have been married for more than 10 years, years ago my husband had an affair with another woman and never told me about it till I found out later. I felt hurt and the only solution was to end up my marriage but I have 4 children to look after. My husband told me everything and said he never do it again. I forgive him but still I felt the pain in my heart. Even if my husband already told me of his affairs before I found out, I gonna feel the same thing. To safe your marriage, never tell your wife.