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How do you encourage your spouse to get out-n-about?

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This morning I was preparing breakfast when I told my 3-year old that tomorrow night we were going to have dinner with some of Daddy's friends. She made this face and said, "Daddy doesn't have friends." It was then that I realised that my husband doesn't ever get out and do things with his friends. It's probably been about three years since he's gone out with his buddies to shoot darts etc. Part of why that stopped was because he quit drinking and didn't want to be around the alcohol, but since his friends are more than happy to do other activities, there's no real reason why he couldn't meet up with them on occasion. It's not that he's a homebody, either, he's really active but I think it'd be good for him to do things with people other than me and our daughter. I'm grateful that he chooses to spend evenings and weekends with us but everyone needs some 'them' time, ya know? All this said, he doesn't seem to feel like he's missing out on a social life or anything. Oh and by the way, he hasn't seen these friends (they're a married couple) in years but recently crossed paths with them, which led to an invitation to dinner.

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Have you talked to him specifically about how you feel like he'd benefit from the occasional friends/guys night out? If he doesn't want to get out and about and it's not causing any problems (or stemming from them) I'd be inclined to just let him know that you're happy to support him if and/or when he gets an itch for a monthly (or what have you) evening of X with friends. If he's an introvert* then over encouraging him to get out there and jump in with friends where relationship dynamics may have changed significantly may make him feel pressured and a bit grumpy.

 

*That he had friends and went out regularly doesn't necessarily mean he's an extrovert. However, you know your husband better than anyone else here on the board.

Edited by Dravin

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I'm a homebody and my husband on occasion will try to encourage me to do something with friends.  Before I was married I had no problem with making friends and hanging out with them.  But, since I've been married I just tend to want to be home. Now that my kids are grown I do feel the need now-and-then to do something.  Now, I just need to make more of an effort to socialize.  I'm so out of the habit I'm not even sure how to go about it anymore.

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I would encourage him but just make sure it's encouragement. Hopefully he doesn't take it any other way. From there see what happens. I will do things with some friends from time to time. I have those I go to high school games with ( my wife is not a sports fan ) and I have a friend I go to college football games with. I even have my Nauvoo junkie friends.

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I'm a homebody and my husband on occasion will try to encourage me to do something with friends.  Before I was married I had no problem with making friends and hanging out with them.  But, since I've been married I just tend to want to be home. Now that my kids are grown I do feel the need now-and-then to do something.  Now, I just need to make more of an effort to socialize.  I'm so out of the habit I'm not even sure how to go about it anymore.

 

Well we have that movie coming out in June we want to go see and we have our trip to Nauvoo next year.  :)

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I have little interest in social interaction with other men. I care nothing for sports. I have nothing against hunting or fishing but don't "enjoy" it enough to do it socially. It is like skiing, I don't enjoy it enough to pay money to do it; not that it isn't fun and something different to do. 

 

Let him explore his own hobbies. Mine are solitary. I enjoy them and they give me my "me" time. 

 

I will say, when I was a volunteer Big Brother, I found my wife extremely jealous of my time. A couple of arguments about it and it made me over-sensitive about how I spend my time. It is one of those marriage lessons that come kind of hard. Now, I am older and wiser, I find I do the thing I want to do alone so long as I am sensitive to my wife's plans.

 

Examine if something similar didn't happen in your relationship. It may be he doesn't want to get burned again.

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Have you talked to him specifically about how you feel like he'd benefit from the occasional friends/guys night out? If he doesn't want to get out and about and it's not causing any problems (or stemming from them) I'd be inclined to just let him know that you're happy to support him if and/or when he gets an itch for a monthly (or what have you) evening of X with friends. If he's an introvert* then over encouraging him to get out there and jump in with friends where relationship dynamics may have changed significantly may make him feel pressured and a bit grumpy.

 

*That he had friends and went out regularly doesn't necessarily mean he's an extrovert. However, you know your husband better than anyone else here on the board.

 

Very true.

 

I have brought it up from time to time but not with much emphasis. I think the relationship dynamic is a good point, though, as one friend went through a nasty divorce and the other has never been married. I wouldn't say he's an introvert, I guess that's me in all honesty, haha...

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I have little interest in social interaction with other men. I care nothing for sports. I have nothing against hunting or fishing but don't "enjoy" it enough to do it socially. It is like skiing, I don't enjoy it enough to pay money to do it; not that it isn't fun and something different to do. 

 

Let him explore his own hobbies. Mine are solitary. I enjoy them and they give me my "me" time. 

 

I will say, when I was a volunteer Big Brother, I found my wife extremely jealous of my time. A couple of arguments about it and it made me over-sensitive about how I spend my time. It is one of those marriage lessons that come kind of hard. Now, I am older and wiser, I find I do the thing I want to do alone so long as I am sensitive to my wife's plans.

 

Examine if something similar didn't happen in your relationship. It may be he doesn't want to get burned again.

 

Good points.

 

He's a busybody and always seems to be working on a project (99.9% of the time it's career based). So when he's finally able to wind down, spending time at home is relaxing to him, and he's not much interested in meeting up with friends. I don't believe we've ever had a situation where I've been upset with him going out with buddies. I've been concerned a few times when he hasn't called and got in late but it was never anything beyond that. But I understand how relationship dynamics change over time. My husband is 48 and his friends are also in that age range, so might be normal progression for them to be doing less, whereas, I'm 30 and enjoy getting out with my friends every other weekend but I'm also seeing this pace slow down now that we all have children and spouses...

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My husband is very... I can't say "introverted" (cause he's not), but very reclusive.  He just doesn't feel the need to go out and be social.  He's quite happy to be the stay-at-home-Daddy and hang out with us.  It hasn't hurt anything, so I haven't pushed the issue too much.  (Other than to make sure he calls his mom once a month....).

Edited by Jane_Doe

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My husband is very... I can't say "introverted" (cause he's not), but very reclusive.  He just doesn't feel the need to go out and be social.  He's quite happy to be the stay-at-home-Daddy and hang out with us.  It hasn't hurt anything, so I haven't pushed the issue too much.  (Other than to make sure he calls his mom once a month....).

 

Haha!

 

I am AWFUL at calling my mum or his mum. He, on the other hand, does a great job of keeping in touch with both.

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My husband is very... I can't say "introverted" (cause he's not), but very reclusive.  He just doesn't feel the need to go out and be social.  He's quite happy to be the stay-at-home-Daddy and hang out with us.  It hasn't hurt anything, so I haven't pushed the issue too much.  (Other than to make sure he calls his mom once a month....).

 

I can relate to that.  When I want to relax and unwind, nothing, and I mean NOTHING compares to just being at home.  Home is my most favourte place to be.  If a husband doesn't feel a need to get out more, don't push him.  There is an element of risk in having too much social time outside the home away from wife and family.

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I hope I'm making a home that's my husband's favorite place to be. I'm pretty sure it is.

 

He doesn't have a lot of social needs outside of family. I've tried, and over the years he's made it clear that all he really needs is a Saturday a couple of times a year to play Warhammer 40K.

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Dunno if this will apply... Support his hobbies and try out new ones.

I have to admit I don't have this problem with my husband. He has his football friends and his mma friends and his basketball friends and his dad friends and his work friends, etc. They are all separate friends and only a very few are multi-friends and they only cross-interact when I host parties at the house or they comment on his FB posts. So that, when there's a football game going on, I just ask him - do you want to watch it over at the bar, or one of your friends, or here? And if he says - here - I just know to invite "those" friends. Yes, I don't know why he tells me to invite them when they're his friends. I just got used to doing it. His football friends are the ones he plays fantasy football with. His mma friends are the ones that go to the jiujitsu gym and his basketball friends are those he plays church ball with, etc. So yeah, all his friends are from some kind of hobby he has or they're my friends.

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I hope I'm making a home that's my husband's favorite place to be. I'm pretty sure it is.

 

He doesn't have a lot of social needs outside of family. I've tried, and over the years he's made it clear that all he really needs is a Saturday a couple of times a year to play Warhammer 40K.

 

This is probably most accurate where my husband stands.

 

He's just at a point in his life where it's more exhausting for him to meet up and mingle, than to stay home and spend time with the family, which he prefers so yay. Ultimately, I want him to feel healthy and be happy, and I'd say that he is. So if he'd rather do couple-dates or family-dates instead of man-dates, cool. 

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my wife and kids would probably say the same thing "daddy doesn't have any friends"! and I know a lot of other family men who are in the same situation. The main reason is that priority's change and friendship dynamics change as well. I found that my relationship with my brothers and father got stronger in my married years.

 

1. When I was single and hanging out with friends the #1 priority was to "check out girls" and find one to marry. 

 

2. When I got married the #1 priority was to be with my wife and eventually the kids. I tried a few times to be around friends but the dynamics changed and some of them get jealous or no longer find it fun to hang out with someone whos married. I also try to hang out with my married friends but it seems like we just want to get back to our familys while we are out.

 

3. After 13 years of marriage my #1 priority is still to provide for the family and raise my kids. I tried a few times to make new friends or hang out with old friends but it just feels that the dynamics are different, people end up having too much pride and either secretly despise you or vice versa etc...That is why immediate family becomes more like your friends because they hold no discrimination's.

 

Women are different they need friends and always look for that social stimulation. Men are naturally wired to be Kings and sit alone on the top of the hill - Im good with being the King of my own domain

Edited by priesthoodpower

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my wife and kids would probably say the same thing "daddy doesn't have any friends"! and I know a lot of other family men who are in the same situation. The main reason is that priority's change and friendship dynamics change as well. I found that my relationship with my brothers and father got stronger in my married years.

 

1. When I was single and hanging out with friends the #1 priority was to "check out girls" and find one to marry. 

 

2. When I got married the #1 priority was to be with my wife and eventually the kids. I tried a few times to be around friends but the dynamics changed and some of them get jealous or no longer find it fun to hang out with someone whos married. I also try to hang out with my married friends but it seems like we just want to get back to our familys while we are out.

 

3. After 13 years of marriage my #1 priority is still to provide for the family and raise my kids. I tried a few times to make new friends or hang out with old friends but it just feels that the dynamics are different, people end up having too much pride and either secretly despise you or vice versa etc...That is why immediate family becomes more like your friends because they hold no discrimination's.

 

Women are different they need friends and always look for that social stimulation. Men are naturally wired to be Kings and sit alone on the top of the hill - Im good with being the King of my own domain

 

Thanks for sharing. Lots of points I agree with.

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Thanks for sharing. Lots of points I agree with.

 

of course my situation and perspective is from that of a member of the church, not saying all LDS men are like me but I do see alot of brethern that live similarly.

 

on the other hand, I have noticed with my non-member cousins that do have "guys night out" type of events or even family gatherings that it always involves alcohol. I used to be really close to these cousins while we were growing up but after awhile when you are not participating in their drinking you become sort of a bore and a party pooper.

 

Money is also a factor, I found that when i was first married i didnt want to waste any money on going out with friends. Recently I have been able to build up a savings and have extra money every month, I find that Im wanting to do more fun and exciting things with my family and also wanting to plan and pay for an occasional "guys day out" with my brothers/nephews.

Edited by priesthoodpower

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I am not particularly fond of one of his brothers. He has three and he is the youngest. The other two aren't bad but the one brother just creeps me out. Unfortunately, he's the closest one to us, but fortunately, my husband has zero interest doing anything with that brother. Yay!

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