Grandson may be living in a home were marijuana is being used

[classylady]

To give a little back ground, my twelve-year-old grandson lives with his father, his father's girlfriend, and her four children.  My grandson's mother (my daughter) died in a car accident when he was 2 months old.  I am friends on face book with both my grandson's father and his girlfriend.,  Last night I was reading a post by the girlfriend who went into a long rant about marijuana not being legalized for medicinal purposes here in Utah.  She has a number of health issues including Lupus, Sjogrens, and Fibromyalgia, so she is in a lot of pain and never feels well.  Anyway, she mentioned that she was doing her own "clinical trial" and has found that marijuana is helping her tremendously.  Here in Utah, marijuana is not legalized for medicinal purposes.

 

My concern is for the safety for my grandson.  I don't know where she is obtaining her supply.  She has an ex husband that wants custody of their children.  I think that if he read that same post, he may use this information to get custody.  And, my grandson could be caught up in the middle.  Do you think I have the right as a grandparent to get my grandson out of a home where marijuana is being used on a regular basis?  I'm just not sure how I should go about doing this.  I assume my husband and I should contact an attorney?  Or, should I just talk to my grandson's father and say "we want our grandson out of there"?  I want it legal, where my husband and I have legal guardianship and not just some half-notion agreement between the father and us.  Any ideas?  What would you do?

[Jane_Doe]

What is the legal status of marijuana in the state they live?  How your relationship with the kid's dad?  Do you live geographically close?

[classylady]

Marijuana is illegal here in Utah.  My grandson lives 10 minutes from my home.  We have a good relationship with the dad.  I have made sure we have had a good relationship.  My grandson has lived with us a good portion of his life.  He pretty much has lived with us every summer since he started school, and off-and-on, he and his dad have lived in our home when their finances were tight.  Also, my husband and I have always had him on the weekends.  He was just telling us at the beginning of the school year that he wants to live with us, but that's mainly because there is a bully in the apartment complex where he lives.

Edited September 21, 2015 by classylady

[NeuroTypical]

Why not approach girlfriend with your concerns?  She might love the little guy with all her heart and keep that stuff far away from him.  Or, she may be an easily insulted druggie flake, in which case grandson may be impacted whether there's MJ around or not.

 

Posting crap online about how you're breaking state law doesn't make me believe she's the sharpest knife in the drawer.  

 

At the end of the day, grandson is in your sphere of concern.  But is he within your sphere of influence?  What power do you have in this situation?

[Guest]

Talk to your son-in-law first and bring up your concerns.  Observe how he handles the situation and see for yourself how this is affecting your grandson.  There's a father and son tie that you will have to consider before separating the son from the father.  This can be more damaging than having a step mother using marijuana.  Maybe CPS monitoring would be better than separating the son from his dad.  Or maybe taking custody of your grandson is the best course of action for your grandson - if this is the case, then tell your son-in-law what you plan to do and contact a lawyer.

[pkstpaul]

Ditto Anatess on talking to the son-in-law first as well as her general sentiments.

 

You are not likely to win on the issue of marijuana alone. It might be best to take a cautious approach rather than kick a hornets nest.

 

As with all morality issues your grandson will face, it is up to the parents and grandparents to teach and enforce morality to the level of which they have influence (i.e. education must be at home). You biggest influence will be you just talking to your grandson. He's going to face pot elsewhere, as he will face pornography, tatoos, etc.

[Blackmarch]

To give a little back ground, my twelve-year-old grandson lives with his father, his father's girlfriend, and her four children.  My grandson's mother (my daughter) died in a car accident when he was 2 months old.  I am friends on face book with both my grandson's father and his girlfriend.,  Last night I was reading a post by the girlfriend who went into a long rant about marijuana not being legalized for medicinal purposes here in Utah.  She has a number of health issues including Lupus, Sjogrens, and Fibromyalgia, so she is in a lot of pain and never feels well.  Anyway, she mentioned that she was doing her own "clinical trial" and has found that marijuana is helping her tremendously.  Here in Utah, marijuana is not legalized for medicinal purposes.

 

My concern is for the safety for my grandson.  I don't know where she is obtaining her supply.  She has an ex husband that wants custody of their children.  I think that if he read that same post, he may use this information to get custody.  And, my grandson could be caught up in the middle.  Do you think I have the right as a grandparent to get my grandson out of a home where marijuana is being used on a regular basis?  I'm just not sure how I should go about doing this.  I assume my husband and I should contact an attorney?  Or, should I just talk to my grandson's father and say "we want our grandson out of there"?  I want it legal, where my husband and I have legal guardianship and not just some half-notion agreement between the father and us.  Any ideas?  What would you do?

being that marijauna is still illegal in utah, that would possibly give you some legal recourse... but I think that should be the last recourse.

[Just_A_Guy]

In a nutshell--marijuana use in the home is sufficient reason to get DCFS involved and start leaning on the parent to quit; and if the parent refuses to quit using, it can eventually be grounds to have the child removed from the home.  But Utah is very, very reluctant to actually remove a child from its parents--I've seen plenty of meth babies go home with their mothers as soon as their withdrawal symptoms went away (with VERY intensive DCFS supervision, of course).

 

Also, I think Utah relatively narrowly defeated a measure in the last legislative session that would have de-criminalized certain marijuana extracts for medicinal purposes.  It may well be back (and pass!) in the next year or two, and when that happens DCFS will probably be even less proactive about marijuana in the home.  So, tactically speaking, if you want to get the State involved--the time to do it is now.

 

I would warn you, though, that I see plenty of folks get DCFS involved, thinking they'll be able to leverage the situation into sole custody for themselves--but DCFS is actually a pretty wild and unpredictable beast.  Yes, if reunification with a parent fails ideally they'll look for extended family as a long-term placement; but there are a thousand and one other things that might happen instead.  So, tread carefully.

Edited September 21, 2015 by Just_A_Guy

[Ironhold]

Talk to your son-in-law first and bring up your concerns.  Observe how he handles the situation and see for yourself how this is affecting your grandson.  There's a father and son tie that you will have to consider before separating the son from the father.  This can be more damaging than having a step mother using marijuana.  Maybe CPS monitoring would be better than separating the son from his dad.  Or maybe taking custody of your grandson is the best course of action for your grandson - if this is the case, then tell your son-in-law what you plan to do and contact a lawyer.

I'd talk to the lawyer first, then inform the father. This way, I've got all my ducks in a row and know what to say.

[yjacket]

Last night I was reading a post by the girlfriend who went into a long rant about marijuana not being legalized for medicinal purposes here in Utah.  She has a number of health issues including Lupus, Sjogrens, and Fibromyalgia, so she is in a lot of pain and never feels well.  Anyway, she mentioned that she was doing her own "clinical trial" and has found that marijuana is helping her tremendously.  Here in Utah, marijuana is not legalized for medicinal purposes.

 

Honestly, I don't think you are giving enough credit to this woman's health issues. While I'm not a medical provider, I've dealt with people who are in a lot of pain and quite frankly our medical industry and way of doing business sucks for people who are in serious pain. Individuals who are in chronic constant pain will do anything in order for that pain to subside or go away. To get any really good pain medications requires a doctor's note-which is entirely dependent upon the doctor's diagnosis.  Since the good stuff is highly regulated and has some really nasty side effects the good stuff can be hard to get.  Look Oxycontin is a narcotic-from opium and they really don't like giving that stuff to you on a long term basis. All the others like Deloted can have some nasty side-effects. 

 

In the US we have a really screwy way at looking at pain medications and drugs . . . no one has a problem at all with using narcotics (which are way more dangerous and addictive) for pain, yet everyone gets all up in arms about medical marijuana. The hypocrisy is ridiculous.

 

" Do you think I have the right as a grandparent to get my grandson out of a home where marijuana is being used on a regular basis? '

 

I think you are entering into very tenuous ground here- which seems primarily driven by this woman seeking pain relief through marijuana. A lot of it depends on whether you want to have a long term relationship with your son-in-law, who is your grandchild's only parent.  Certainly express your concerns to him, but at some point you've got to let your son-in-law raise his child as he sees fit. If you want to go down this route, be very, very aware that you will most likely be opening up a hornets nest and is that really what is in the best interest of your grandson, because as JAG said the moment you get government involved is the moment you lose control of the situation. IMO the government very rarely makes the situation better-and most of the times makes it worse. You will most likely destroy any long-term relationship you have with your son-in-law.  When you were raising kids, would you have stood for your in-laws making claims to take your son (or daughter) out of your house? I know as a parent, I wouldn't stand for it and I'd have a few choice words for any in-law who attempted it.  

 

Personally, I wouldn't get all up in arms just yet.  I'll explain, for me if I had a chronic illness that came with a lot of pain, I'd do whatever to help get it down-if I found that medicinal marijuana helped (it would probably be a last resort) I would do it . . .why am I going to let the government tell me that I have no right to mitigated my own pain with something that might work.  

 

The health concern with marijuana comes like the same thing with regular smoking, 2nd hand effects. If she is taking oil that is one thing, if she is smoking I think it would be pretty straight forward to establish rules like if she was smoking cigarettes.  Don't do it inside the house or around kids.

[classylady]

I don't discount the help medical marijuana can give people.  And, I believe that she is careful about the usage and keeps it out of the way of the children.  My concern is that it is still illegal here in Utah.  I don't know where she is getting her marijuana from.  Are there going to be "druggies" trying to get their stash?  (They don't mix with the best of people).  Her ex husband has been trying to get custody of their children for a long time.  I can see him reading that post and thinking that's the perfect way to get his kids away from his ex.  I don't want my grandson caught up in some DCFS crisis where the children are taken out of the home.  Which, can happen here in Utah.

 

I admit that my family and I have wondered if we should try to get custody of our grandson for a long long time.  This has more to do with the way his father seems to neglect him.  Grandson has needed dental care, surgery on his leg, and other health concerns and his father does nothing to get help for his son.  It's always "I'm waiting to get insurance".  Well, I say, "get insurance then".  Most of the clothing my grandson has was purchased by me or other members of my family.  Last year, one of his teachers actually bought some clothing for him.  I just don't know how far I should go.  I'm willing to keep my grandson's father in his life, even if we do receive custody of him.  I don't want to sever that father/son bond.  But, my grandson does look to my husband and me as his 2nd parents.  He calls us Mom and Dad, even though he knows we are his grandparents.  We are the stable factor in his life.  He has probably lived with us the majority of his life, more than he has lived with his father.

Edited September 22, 2015 by classylady

[yjacket]

I admit that my family and I have wondered if we should try to get custody of our grandson for a long long time.  This has more to do with the way his father seems to neglect him.  Grandson has needed dental care, surgery on his leg, and other health concerns and his father does nothing to get help for his son.  It's always "I'm waiting to get insurance".  Well, I say, "get insurance then".  Most of the clothing my grandson has was purchased by me or other members of my family.  Last year, one of his teachers actually bought some clothing for him.

Okay, now more of the truth and the real reasons come out. 

 

I just don't know how far I should go.  I'm willing to keep my grandson's father in his life, even if we do receive custody of him.  I don't want to sever that father/son bond.  But, my grandson does look to my husband and me as his 2nd parents.  He calls us Mom and Dad, even though he knows we are his grandparents.  We are the stable factor in his life.  He has probably lived with us the majority of his life, more than he has lived with his father.

 

The bolded above strikes me as well I'll say it just plain wrong.  You don't get to decide whether to keep your son-in-law in your grandson's life or not. I understand that your grandson is your only living link to your daughter and it must hurt horribly and is heartbreaking to see your grandson in this condition because in some way your grandson is a surrogate for your daughter.

 

But the decision isn't whether you are willing to keep your son-in-law in your grandson's life, but whether your son-in-law is willing to keep you in your grandson's life.

 

I'll just be honest the way I see it, is that the medical marijuana issue is really just an excuse to do what you really want to do-which is to completely take full custody of your grandson because you believe your son-in-law isn't an adequate father. I think the real question you need to think about is if the tables were reversed, what if it was your daughter raising your grandson in this situation.  Would you want to take custody? Not only that but would you do it against her wishes? 

[classylady]

Okay, now more of the truth and the real reasons come out. 

 

 

The bolded above strikes me as well I'll say it just plain wrong.  You don't get to decide whether to keep your son-in-law in your grandson's life or not. I understand that your grandson is your only living link to your daughter and it must hurt horribly and is heartbreaking to see your grandson in this condition because in some way your grandson is a surrogate for your daughter.

 

But the decision isn't whether you are willing to keep your son-in-law in your grandson's life, but whether your son-in-law is willing to keep you in your grandson's life.

 

I'll just be honest the way I see it, is that the medical marijuana issue is really just an excuse to do what you really want to do-which is to completely take full custody of your grandson because you believe your son-in-law isn't an adequate father. I think the real question you need to think about is if the tables were reversed, what if it was your daughter raising your grandson in this situation.  Would you want to take custody? Not only that but would you do it against her wishes? 

 

I would take full custody of any of my grandchildren if I could see their parent/s (including my own blood family) were being neglectful.  The reason we have not sought for custody is because I don't want to take him away from his father.  I want my grandson with his father.  But, when my grandson has a medical condition that requires surgery, has dental decay with full on abcesses and pain, then I feel like it's time we stepped in and helped beyond having an open door for both my grandson and his father.  My husband and I have very little income, so that is also a factor.  I don't have the money to step in and help with the medical issues or the dental problems.  I was thinking that if we did have guardianship then we might be able to get State health and dental insurance for him.  I just wish his father would get the insurance so these issues can be taken care of.  And, I don't understand why he hasn't gotten the help for his son that is needed.  The very few school clothes I've been able to buy for my grandson are inadequate, and frankly, I don't see how that will change if we have guardianship of my grandson. The only way I would want guardianship is if we talk to my grandson's father, and he is willing for us to take him.  I do not want a legal battle.  I don't want my grandson to feel like he is being forced away from his father.  And, I hate to say this, but I feel like one of the big reasons his father has not just abdicated the care of our grandson to us, is because of the Social Security check he receives for his son.  It isn't a large amount, approximately $250, but it has been the only income he has the majority of the time.  He can keep the check.

 

We have maintained a very good relationship with my grandson's father.  In fact, the father says he feels like we are more his family than his own.  He and our grandson have lived with us a majority of the time over the years, and our grandson has also lived with us without his dad, while his dad was living on his own.  His own family has pretty much disowned him and don't include him or my grandson in a lot of their family activities any longer.  Because of our good relationship, we could talk with him and request the guardianship.  And, it's the only way I would do this.  If the father refuses, then we would go on as we always have.  But, I would still have concerns over my grandson's safety in a home where marijuana is present, where it is illegal in the State we live in.  And, I'm concerned that DCFS will be called by the girlfriend's ex, and my grandson would be caught in the middle of it all.  Most likely, if the children are taken out of the home, my grandson would be released pretty quickly, and hopefully wouldn't be too traumatic.  I'm just in a quandary about how far to take this.  I suppose we can ask for the guardianship, and if he says no, then it's no.  But, if he says yes, then hopefully we can get the medical care our grandson needs.

 

When I'm dead and I meet my daughter, I believe I will be asked to give an accountability of my actions in regards to her son.  If I saw a need and I did not step in and help, I truly believe that my daughter will not be pleased in that regard.  That's the reason for the open door policy for grandson and his father with our home. I also believe I should not step in and take my grandson away from his father unless it becomes necessary to do so. The father will also one day meet my daughter on the other side of the veil and will need to account for his actions.  I want to do the right thing.  Both, for my grandson and his father.

Edited September 22, 2015 by classylady

[yjacket]

classylady, it is a very difficult situation. Thank you for explaining more. I think you have a pretty well reasoned response and a very good heart.

 

I suppose we can ask for the guardianship, and if he says no, then it's no.  But, if he says yes, then hopefully we can get the medical care our grandson needs.

 

This is probably the thing to do, but with extreme caution as you don't want to destroy your current relationship in this difficult situation.

 

As far as the medical stuff and school clothes go I'm of the opinion that if there is any time for your local ward to step up than this is it. I personally loath getting money or "welfare" from the government.  I think rather than helping people it causes dependency.  It is very easy to get a check each month or get some subsidized health care without realizing that the money comes from someone else-someone who has worked extremely hard for that money and they have been robbed of it.  And I do mean robbed of it-either in the form of inflation and government debt or in the form of if you don't pay this you will go to jail. There is something about humans that when we receive "free" money without a direct person to person interaction we end up becoming entitled to that money.

 

While an entitlement mentality still can occur-I think it is less likely when we receive it directly from people. If you son-in-law is a member then his local ward should be helping out-if he is not I think this would fall under your local ward.  I know if I was in your ward and I was told of this problem and knowing the background, I personally would be glad to help out in some small way (either through some school clothes or donating more to the fast offering fund for medical expenses). I know I probably wouldn't personally know (the leadership would)-but that is why we already donate to the fast offering fund.

 

Just as an FYI, the dental issues are mostly habit issues. If he cuts out soda drinks (and doesn't eat too much sticky sugary stuff), brushes and flosses every day he shouldn't have hardly any problems with his teeth.

 

Your situation is IMO a prime example of why the Church even exists. Yes the ordinances are essential, but otherwise why belong to a church-to hear a bunch of sermons on Christ? Helping the needing, the sick, the afflicted, the poor-that is the gospel in action. One of the reasons I belong to a church, is specifically to be part of a community that will help me when the chips are down (and man-I thank my Heavenly Father that it is there b/c I have needed it in my life) and to help others with the chips are down for them.