How to get husband to listen

[Backroads]

I think we may be entering a phase of our marriage where some things I say go in one ear and out the other, a marital stereotype, it seems. Nothing crucial or of deep emotion, but little buts of information I might give, not once but multiple times. I'd hate to turn nagging and make him repeat what I just said, especially so often when a little conversation does occur, enough to make me think my husband has processed the information. How can I communicate more effectively?

[Guest]

If it's just an annoyance and he's really not forgetting crucial things, I'd honestly let it go. It isn't worth bad feelings over. 

[estradling75]

In a few things I have read they seem to imply that men are more mono-taskers compared to women's multi-taskers. (There are advantages to both)

This means that women are more likely to be able to have a conversation while other things (distractions) are going on... this puts a man at a disadvantage, because he is "designed" to focus one one thing and block out the rest.  If the conversation is not what he is focused on then it will not be retained.

It would be a mistake to think that a communication style that works just fine between women will work the same between men and women.

If it is not that important then let it go...  But when it is important kill or eliminate the distractions first so that he is focused on the conversation.

 

 

 

[Bad Karma]

Cool topic, I decided to ask my wife the skinny about when I blow her off. We've come to a consensus that when something "goes in one ear and out the other" that I have found the issue/topic not worth debate or discourse and have "tuned out", in essence, I have picked and choose my battles and that was not one of them.

When I consider it, this was quickly my answer, that being the case, for ***ME***, this would be accurate.

YMMV

[Guest MormonGator]

Backroads-get his attention, address him directly and articulate your issue. Keep it one at a time. If you peck at him it'll just make him shut down.  

You are so right about the nagging. Every woman who ever nagged me from my mother, to teachers, to ex girlfriends-it had the same effect. The words were lost and it turned into the teacher from Charlie Brown. Wah wah wah wah wah wah. Then ten minutes later she'd get mad because I didn't do what she nagged me about. 

Edited March 16, 2016 by MormonGator

[zil]

41 minutes ago, Bad Karma said:

Cool topic, I decided to ask my wife the skinny about when I blow her off. We've come to a consensus that when something "goes in one ear and out the other" that I have found the issue/topic not worth debate or discourse and have "tuned out", in essence, I have picked and choose my battles and that was not one of them.

When I consider it, this was quickly my answer, that being the case, for ***ME***, this would be accurate.

"picked your battles" implies giving in to the other person's wishes without a fight (fine if that's how you want to handle it).  Is that what you mean, or do you mean that you still blow her off and hope she and her problems will go away and leave you alone?  Cuz that's not gonna lead to a happy place over the long run.

And what is your advice to Backroads?  To give up cuz her husband's never going to care about her concerns, or...?  I other words, you've told us you ignore your wife because you don't care about some things, but you haven't told us how that problem might be resolved.

[Guest MormonGator]

10 minutes ago, zil said:

, or do you mean that you still blow her off and hope she and her problems will go away and leave you alone?  Cuz that's not gonna lead to a happy place over the long run.

 

I know what you mean Zil, but in fairness most "problems" do go away. That's one thing I think you need to remember in marriage. I've seen couples divorce because they think problems won't go away and when the issue does-they are lonely and miserable.  

[zil]

53 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Backroads-get his attention, address him directly and articulate your issue. Keep it one at a time. If you peck at him it'll just make him shut down.  

You are so right about the nagging. Every woman who ever nagged me from my mother, to teachers, to ex girlfriends-it had the same effect. The words were lost and it turned into the teacher from Charlie Brown. Wah wah wah wah wah wah. Then ten minutes later she'd get mad because I didn't do what she nagged me about. 

So here's my question.  Let's say there's an explicit agreement that the husband will mow the lawn.  You agree to buy him a riding lawn mower so this is easier and faster.  He mows the lawn for years.  Then one summer, the grass is getting high enough that the mower isn't gonna do a good job, so you point this out and ask if he's gonna mow the lawn.  He says "yes" and goes and mows the lawn.  Over the course of weeks / months, he won't do it until you ask, then he won't do it until you ask a few times.  You discuss this and he says he'll do it before the grass gets 8 inches long, don't worry, he's sorry.  But he doesn't do it, even though you refrain from asking him to.  You wait until the grass is 10 inches long and ask him to, "oh yeah, I forgot".  The cycle starts over.  Eventually, he won't do it until you start, and then he comes to your rescue when there's only 1/4 of the lawn left to do.

Is she nagging?  Is she justified? Should he not have told the truth, as in, "you know what, I'm sick of mowing the lawn. why don't we hire a neighbor kid to do it.  or maybe you could do it - I'll show you how to use the riding mower"

IMO, ANYTHING is better than continual, lying, "I'll do it"s.

Edited March 16, 2016 by zil

[zil]

10 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

I know what you mean Zil, but in fairness most "problems" do go away. That's one thing I think you need to remember in marriage. I've seen couples divorce because they think problems won't go away and when the issue does-they are lonely and miserable.  

That's kinda my point.  I'm wondering how Bad Karma and his wife resolved this issue, if they did.

[Guest MormonGator]

8 minutes ago, zil said:

So here's my question.  Let's say there's an explicit agreement that the husband will mow the lawn.  You agree to buy him a riding lawn mower so this is easier and faster.  He mows the lawn for years.  Then one summer, the grass is getting high enough that the mower isn't gonna do a good job, so you point this out and ask if he's gonna mow the lawn.  He says "yes" goes and mows the lawn.  Over the course of weeks / months, he won't do it until you ask, then he won't do it until you ask a few times.  You discuss this and he says he'll do it before the grass gets 8 inches long, don't worry, he's sorry.  But he doesn't do it, even though you refrain from asking him to.  You wait until the grass is 10 inches long and ask him to, "oh yeah, I forgot".  The cycle starts over.  Eventually, he won't do it until you start, and then he comes to your rescue when there's only 1/4 of the lawn left to do.

Is she nagging?  Is she justified? She he not have told the truth, as in, "you know what, I'm sick of mowing the lawn. why don't we hire a neighbor kid to do it.  or maybe you could do it - I'll show you how to use the riding mower"

IMO, ANYTHING is better than continual, lying, "I'll do it"s.

Very fair question. :: sigh :: why didn't our marriage last Zil? 

The wife needs to realize that nagging him will only make things worse, and the husband needs to realize that neglecting his share of the chores will only make things worse as well. Basically both parties needs to stop acting like children but eventually, if it gets to the point where the lawn is hiding the dogs and your toddler, the wife should then do it herself. Instead of making both parties miserable by nagging and ignoring each other, one needs to be the adult. 
 

[estradling75]

9 minutes ago, zil said:

Is she nagging?  Is she justified? She he not have told the truth, as in, "you know what, I'm sick of mowing the lawn. why don't we hire a neighbor kid to do it.  or maybe you could do it - I'll show you how to use the riding mower"

IMO, ANYTHING is better than continual, lying, "I'll do it"s.

This presumes that the man is introspective enough to realize that the root of his behavior is that he doesn't want to anymore.. but that for some reason he just doesn't want to tell if wife that...  I think it is more likely that the man hasn't thought it through and nailed down why he feels the way he does now.

 

So while the effect was that he lies.. the intent to lie or be deceptive is more then not is likely simply not there

[zil]

8 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Very fair question. :: sigh :: why didn't our marriage last Zil?

I think _this_ might have something to do with it:

9 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

The wife needs to realize that nagging him will only make things worse, and the husband needs to realize that neglecting his share of the chores will only make things worse as well. Basically both parties needs to stop acting like children but eventually, if it gets to the point where the lawn is hiding the dogs and your toddler, the wife should then do it herself. Instead of making both parties miserable by nagging and ignoring each other, one needs to be the adult.

I agree, but her doing it herself didn't solve the problem, cuz he would then do the passive-aggressive, "let me do that for you" when she was 3/4 done.  The solution, as you say, is to be an adult: agree to responsibilities and _do_ them.  When changes are needed, discuss and agree, then follow-through.  It shouldn't be so hard, but for some reason, it is.

[Guest MormonGator]

8 minutes ago, zil said:

I think _this_ might have something to do with it:

I agree, but her doing it herself didn't solve the problem, cuz he would then do the passive-aggressive, "let me do that for you" when she was 3/4 done.  The solution, as you say, is to be an adult: agree to responsibilities and _do_ them.  When changes are needed, discuss and agree, then follow-through.  It shouldn't be so hard, but for some reason, it is.

LOL! That is awesome. Made me literally laugh out loud. Love it. 

For the record everyone, Zil and I have never been married to each other and are just friends. 

I totally agree with you, Zil 

 

I think it's important for both genders to remember you are married to a human. Demanding perfection will assure yourself that you get misery. We all know that single person who has impossibly high standards and has been single for years now. 

[Bad Karma]

24 minutes ago, zil said:

"picked your battles" implies giving in to the other person's wishes without a fight (fine if that's how you want to handle it).  Is that what you mean, or do you mean that you still blow her off and hope she and her problems will go away and leave you alone?  Cuz that's not gonna lead to a happy place over the long run.

And what is your advice to Backroads?  To give up cuz her husband's never going to care about her concerns, or...?  I other words, you've told us you ignore your wife because you don't care about some things, but you haven't told us how that problem might be resolved.

I spoke plainly, you're being obtuse. Again, if I don't feel like making subject XYZ a battle, I don't. How does it get resolved, easy, I'm resolved to refuse to talk about XYZ if I don't want to, nothing difficult about it. She's my wife, if it's not important enough to me to go all the way with a full blown argument yet she's still on about it, I tune her out.

 

In reference to "Cuz"? *tilt* I'm assuming you meant "because", I see it is your contention that if I do not choose to not respect my own boundaries and capitulate into a discussion I would not have, then We won't go to a happy place in our marriage. *Shrug* Beats fighting about unimportant stuff.  The cool thing about my boundaries are simply this, I choose them.

 

My advice to Backroads? Zero, that's where the YMMV part came into play...  It means "Your Mileage May Vary". 

[Bad Karma]

39 minutes ago, zil said:

"picked your battles" implies giving in to the other person's wishes without a fight (fine if that's how you want to handle it).  Is that what you mean, or do you mean that you still blow her off and hope she and her problems will go away and leave you alone?  Cuz that's not gonna lead to a happy place over the long run.

And what is your advice to Backroads?  To give up cuz her husband's never going to care about her concerns, or...?  I other words, you've told us you ignore your wife because you don't care about some things, but you haven't told us how that problem might be resolved.

ETA: Double post. 

Edited March 16, 2016 by Bad Karma
Server declined to permit deletion... 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Backroads said:

Nothing crucial or of deep emotion, but little buts of information I might give

From Backroads, it sounds like her hubby is forgetting things that aren't necessarily important to their relationship. I assume things like, that her sister is dating someone or what day she's going to the doctor. Those are the kinds of things my husband forgets, and heck, I forget... not worth fighting about. It's much easier to give the information for the 4th time than to feel annoyed at him or fight about it. 

I think a lot of the secret to a happy marriage (and being a happy person in general) is letting the little things go.

[Vort]

18 minutes ago, Bad Karma said:

if I do not choose to not respect my own boundaries and capitulate into a discussion I would not have

Ah, the rare triple negative.

[Vort]

42 minutes ago, zil said:

So here's my question.  Let's say there's an explicit agreement that the husband will mow the lawn.  You agree to buy him a riding lawn mower so this is easier and faster.  He mows the lawn for years.  Then one summer, the grass is getting high enough that the mower isn't gonna do a good job, so you point this out and ask if he's gonna mow the lawn.  He says "yes" and goes and mows the lawn.  Over the course of weeks / months, he won't do it until you ask, then he won't do it until you ask a few times.  You discuss this and he says he'll do it before the grass gets 8 inches long, don't worry, he's sorry.  But he doesn't do it, even though you refrain from asking him to.  You wait until the grass is 10 inches long and ask him to, "oh yeah, I forgot".  The cycle starts over.  Eventually, he won't do it until you start, and then he comes to your rescue when there's only 1/4 of the lawn left to do.

Is she nagging?  Is she justified? She he not have told the truth, as in, "you know what, I'm sick of mowing the lawn. why don't we hire a neighbor kid to do it.  or maybe you could do it - I'll show you how to use the riding mower"

Address the root of the problem -- which is not long grass, but the husband's failure to fulfill his responsibilities. Talk about that. Find out what's going on.

[Guest MormonGator]

41 minutes ago, Vort said:

Address the root of the problem -- which is not long grass, but the husband's failure to fulfill his responsibilities. Talk about that. Find out what's going on.

I agree totally Vort. 

One thing I was thinking though-give the guy at least a few days. If your man works 75 hours a week to provide you with a wonderful house and home, he really should be allowed to watch a ball game once in awhile. My dad busted his you know what to give my mom and his kids a wonderful house, private schools, two cars, nice vacations you name it. Sadly, he traveled a lot and we didn't get to see him much sometimes. When he was home my mom was great-she'd let him unwind, watch some hockey, play some video games with his kids-then ask him to do this or that. I know 99% of women would do what my mom did. 

And I agree with you (you meaning Vort)-just quoted to remind everyone that you can fulfill your responsibilities and have some breathing room at the same time.  

[David13]

It's times like these what is bliss, is not being married.

dc

 

i just suffer along with nobody to nag me.

I think the bottom line may simply be, op, she talks too much. Men may get a lot of talking at work, as part of the job, and when they come home, maybe they just like peace and quiet.

 

Edited March 16, 2016 by David13

[Latter-Day Marriage]

One thing a person can do to really get someone's attention when they want to tell them something is touch them.  Just a friendly hand on the shoulder or arm while you look them in the eye and say what you need to say. 

[pam]

2 hours ago, David13 said:

I

I think the bottom line may simply be, op, she talks too much. Men may get a lot of talking at work, as part of the job, and when they come home, maybe they just like peace and quiet.

 

And sometimes SHM's hear nothing but kids all day and long for the adult conversation when their husbands come home. So there has to be some communication and understanding both ways.

[Guest MormonGator]

4 hours ago, pam said:

And sometimes SHM's hear nothing but kids all day and long for the adult conversation when their husbands come home. So there has to be some communication and understanding both ways.

I've heard this from other stay at home moms, actually. 

[Guest]

Deal with it.  $85, please.  (kidding).

I really wish there were some magic wand to cure this, so common, issue.  But I don't know if there is.  It is something that you and your husband need to talk about and work through.  As you do so, keep in mind that most of the time he's on autopilot.  He's got something on his mind.  And you have to work within that framework or get him off of autopilot first.

One method is to look at his pattern of behavior and place things in his path within that framework.

Example:

One woman didn't really like her husband in the kitchen because he was always picking at the food she was trying to prepare for dinner.  Sometimes it would mess up the dish because some key elements got eaten up.  So, all she did was complain and get frustrated.  He never changed his behavior until...

In his mind...

He just got home from work and was pretty hungry.  Just a snack would be enough to get him to dinner time.  He goes into the kitchen just to grab something, anything, to eat.  He sees a bunch of things on the cutting board and in various bowls.  Yeah, that's edible.  It will tide me over.  He eats.  His wife gets mad at him.  He apologizes and leaves completely oblivious to the harm he's just done to the dinner menu.

Another day, similar scenario.  He goes into the kitchen.  He sees a bowl of tortilla chips and some salsa beside it.  Yeah, that's...more than edible.  It will tide me over.  He sits and munches as his wife finishes dinner.  They have a nice little chat.  As he finishes the chips, he goes over and starts to help with the cooking.  And he is completely oblivious to the blessing his wife is... but that's another matter.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

On 3/16/2016 at 8:58 AM, MormonGator said:

 the wife should just do it...
 

LOL, this is so true.

Early in my marriage, I had asked my husband to fix something. He said he would, but for whatever reason he didn't get around to it. I didn't want to nag or argue over it, so I decided to do it myself.

My intent was sincere...but unfortunately or fortunately it was something about an electical outlet, and I know nothing about electricity. So when I knocked out all the circuit breakers, and nearly electrocuted myself...my husband laughed, apologized and fixed everything. Only it took him longer now because of my "help". 

After only about one more similar mishap...now I'll I do is say, "I know you don't have time Honey, I'll do it. I lime learning new things."

Then we both laugh and he does it.  Problem solved.

I think Estradling was right...I remem5that Carb shared a YouTubevideo of a funny Pastor (?) doing a marriage workshop and that is just what he said.  Good advice. Carb, do you know the video I mean? 

Edited March 17, 2016 by LiterateParakeet