Ride to the airport - more of Dahlia's pet peeves

[dahlia]

Frequently our ward FB page will get requests to take someone, or some family, to the airport. Usually at some ungodly hour. 

I realize that we're supposed to do service, but aren't we also supposed to be self-reliant? I have had to go to airports all over the country and in a bit of Europe. I get myself there. I get a shuttle, or a cab, or an airport bus, or even a sedan, but I don't ask other people to take me. Mostly because I figure other people have jobs and responsibilities that don't include taking my lazy, cheap, self to the airport. If you can't get to the airport without begging for a ride, maybe you don't need to go on the trip? 

Do a lot of Mormons live where there is no transport to the airport? Is this something that's done out west (where I have also gotten myself to the airport)?  I just don't get it. It would never occur to me to impose on someone in that way. Maybe I'm more used to traveling for business, where taking care of yourself is expected. I don't know. 

Is it me or is it them?

[Guest MormonGator]

4 minutes ago, dahlia said:

Frequently our ward FB page will get requests to take someone, or some family, to the airport. Usually at some ungodly hour. 

I realize that we're supposed to do service, but aren't we also supposed to be self-reliant? I have had to go to airports all over the country and in a bit of Europe. I get myself there. I get a shuttle, or a cab, or an airport bus, or even a sedan, but I don't ask other people to take me. Mostly because I figure other people have jobs and responsibilities that don't include taking my lazy, cheap, self to the airport. If you can't get to the airport without begging for a ride, maybe you don't need to go on the trip? 

Do a lot of Mormons live where there is no transport to the airport? Is this something that's done out west (where I have also gotten myself to the airport)?  I just don't get it. It would never occur to me to impose on someone in that way. Maybe I'm more used to traveling for business, where taking care of yourself is expected. I don't know. 

Is it me or is it them?

No, it's them. Sometimes ward members ask too much and you should feel no guilt whatsoever for saying no. What's more, if they treat you differently for saying no to their request, shame on them. 

[dahlia]

I don't drive myself to the airport; I'm certainly not going to drive anyone else.   It just surprises me that people even ask.

[zil]

Maybe next time you get yourself to the airport, you should write a facebook "review" all about how "A-Class Shuttle Service" are fabulous and if anyone ever needs a ride to the airport, they should definitely call them at 555-555-1234.

[Guest MormonGator]

6 minutes ago, dahlia said:

I don't drive myself to the airport; I'm certainly not going to drive anyone else.   It just surprises me that people even ask.

 What bothers me is when people ask "Hey can you repave my driveway, complete my roofing project and fix the brake pads on my car? I'll repay you by visiting you for a half hour six months for now for home teaching. Get going on my driveway please."

 

 

[zil]

5 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

 What bothers me is when people ask "Hey can you repave my driveway, complete my roofing project and fix the brake pads on my car? I'll repay you by visiting you for a half hour six months for now for home teaching. Get going on my driveway please."

Maybe this is why so many people don't want callings - they're too busy paving other people's driveways...

Well, this just confirms my theory that it's best to be useless.

[Sunday21]

When I moved into my ward, I had no furniture. None! I had a blow up bed and some pillows. I explained this to my home teacher. I was most surprised when he offered me some chairs. I did not understand the Mormon culture of, you have a problem, someone else will fix it for you. I hired a lady in the ward to go shopping with me. Sadly she has moved. Now I have to go shopping. Shudder. By myself. Ugh. 

[SilentOne]

I don't see anything wrong with asking if somebody in the group is able and willing to help. If they start feeling entitled, then there's a problem.

[unixknight]

The problem that we have a lot is that when someone asks us for something, we assume their request will be a reasonable one.  When it isn't, we tend to second guess ourselves and think it's just that we're in the wrong.  It isn't usually until much later that we see things in hindsight and can decide that hey, we just got taken advantage of!  Of course, by then it's too late.

Shortly after I first joined the Church I was Home Teacher to a fellow who didn't understand the boundary.  One day he asked me for a lift to someplace, I forget now where it was.  It was on the same day as my son's birthday party, but I felt confident that I could give this guy a lift and be back in plenty of time.

Well, first, he wanted to take a "slight" detour to go to a blood drive he'd heard about.  This ate up a bunch of time.  Then, he wanted to swing by the Temple so that he could ask me to take a certain road to get there, so that he might relive the day he first saw it.  Then, another detour...  All the while taking exception to the music I had in my CD player (He didn't feel that a good Mormon had any business listening to Steppenwolf.)  Eventually we completed all of his extra requests but by that time the only way I could make it to my son's party before it was over was if we went straight there, not stopping to drop this guy off at home first, of course.

So that's what I did.  He objected, but I went to my son's party so at least I could be at the last half hour or so of it.  He sulked at a picnic table (The party was at a local park) and waited until I was done with the party.  This guy was so self-centered that he couldn't understand why I refused to take him home first, after he dragged me all over the county on his little errands like some kind of personal chauffeur.  Nevermind that I had originally agreed to take him to ONE place, and that all the extras cost me being able to attend most of my son's birthday party.

And no, he didn't offer me gas money.  (I drove him around for 3 hours in my V6 powered 4x4 pickup truck.  That wasn't cheap.)

Yes, we are called upon to serve our brothers and sisters in need, but it also falls upon them to make reasonable requests and not take the help for granted or behave as if they're entitled.  When they don't, it is reasonable for us to say no.

[Guest]

23 minutes ago, unixknight said:

The problem that we have a lot is that when someone asks us for something, we assume their request will be a reasonable one.  When it isn't, we tend to second guess ourselves and think it's just that we're in the wrong.  It isn't usually until much later that we see things in hindsight and can decide that hey, we just got taken advantage of!  Of course, by then it's too late.

Shortly after I first joined the Church I was Home Teacher to a fellow who didn't understand the boundary.  One day he asked me for a lift to someplace, I forget now where it was.  It was on the same day as my son's birthday party, but I felt confident that I could give this guy a lift and be back in plenty of time.

Well, first, he wanted to take a "slight" detour to go to a blood drive he'd heard about.  This ate up a bunch of time.  Then, he wanted to swing by the Temple so that he could ask me to take a certain road to get there, so that he might relive the day he first saw it.  Then, another detour...  All the while taking exception to the music I had in my CD player (He didn't feel that a good Mormon had any business listening to Steppenwolf.)  Eventually we completed all of his extra requests but by that time the only way I could make it to my son's party before it was over was if we went straight there, not stopping to drop this guy off at home first, of course.

So that's what I did.  He objected, but I went to my son's party so at least I could be at the last half hour or so of it.  He sulked at a picnic table (The party was at a local park) and waited until I was done with the party.  This guy was so self-centered that he couldn't understand why I refused to take him home first, after he dragged me all over the county on his little errands like some kind of personal chauffeur.  Nevermind that I had originally agreed to take him to ONE place, and that all the extras cost me being able to attend most of my son's birthday party.

And no, he didn't offer me gas money.  (I drove him around for 3 hours in my V6 powered 4x4 pickup truck.  That wasn't cheap.)

Yes, we are called upon to serve our brothers and sisters in need, but it also falls upon them to make reasonable requests and not take the help for granted or behave as if they're entitled.  When they don't, it is reasonable for us to say no.

Man, what a freak...  Unixknight, you have the patience of a true saint for not losing it and just screaming at the guy...

Edited October 1, 2016 by DoctorLemon

[dahlia]

On 9/27/2016 at 9:12 PM, zil said:

Maybe next time you get yourself to the airport, you should write a facebook "review" all about how "A-Class Shuttle Service" are fabulous and if anyone ever needs a ride to the airport, they should definitely call them at 555-555-1234.

You know, this is a really good idea and much better than anything I would have come up with. 

[dahlia]

On 9/27/2016 at 10:00 PM, Sunday21 said:

When I moved into my ward, I had no furniture. None! I had a blow up bed and some pillows. I explained this to my home teacher. I was most surprised when he offered me some chairs. I did not understand the Mormon culture of, you have a problem, someone else will fix it for you. I hired a lady in the ward to go shopping with me. Sadly she has moved. Now I have to go shopping. Shudder. By myself. Ugh. 

Just curious - why do you need help to shop? Physical limitations? 

Awhile back I was assigned to VT a particular sister. Let me back up and say that my ward is full of young things whose husbands are here for grad school. They are much nicer than I am. Anyway, apparently I was assigned because the young ones had been taken advantage of many times by this sister and the RS leadership knew that Sister Dahlia wasn't going to let that happen to her. I guess I have a rep. 

[Sunday21]

1 hour ago, dahlia said:

Just curious - why do you need help to shop? Physical limitations? 

Awhile back I was assigned to VT a particular sister. Let me back up and say that my ward is full of young things whose husbands are here for grad school. They are much nicer than I am. Anyway, apparently I was assigned because the young ones had been taken advantage of many times by this sister and the RS leadership knew that Sister Dahlia wasn't going to let that happen to her. I guess I have a rep. 

Sounds like you have a good rep! I hired a sister who likes to decorate to go shopping with while I decorated my apartment. I am the kind of person who walks into a furniture store looks at a couch and walks out. The sister loved to watch home decorating shows and always had some valuable input. In fact she was so good, in the end, I just gave her a cheque, left town for a conference and when I returned, I had furniture. Wonderful woman. Her husband found a job out of town and I so miss her!

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I don't think it would be appropriate to put that burden on your home teachers or visiting teachers to take you to the airport (unless you really truly can't afford to take a shuttle or cab).  On the other hand though, I see nothing wrong with just putting the request out there if someone is willing and able.  AND if you are willing to do the same for someone else sometime, reciprocity!   

[unixknight]

On 9/30/2016 at 10:54 PM, DoctorLemon said:

Man, what a freak...  Unixknight, you have the patience of a true saint for not losing it and just screaming at the guy...

Thanks for the compliment... though I'm not sure that it was really patience... more like that stunned compliance we offer when a request is made of us that's so outrageous we can't really process it at the time.  If it happened again today I'd like to think that I would gently but firmly tell him that I did agree to give him a lift to the store (or whatever) but that the other stuff wasn't a matter of necessity and it isn't appropriate to call upon help from the brethren for it.  That way it would never escalate to the losing it and screaming...

(Though I admit the daydream of doing so is kinda fun..)

[NeuroTypical]

On 9/27/2016 at 8:04 PM, dahlia said:

Frequently our ward FB page will get requests to take someone, or some family, to the airport. Usually at some ungodly hour. 

Is it me or is it them?

If the ward FB page is a way that friends can collaborate on getting through life together, it's you.  If it's just a group where people who don't know each other much find rides to the airport, it's them.  I've seen both.  

My current ward's Relief Society page is definitely the former.  Some sisters stay in that group even after they move away.

[unixknight]

1 hour ago, NeuroTypical said:

If the ward FB page is a way that friends can collaborate on getting through life together, it's you.  If it's just a group where people who don't know each other much find rides to the airport, it's them.  I've seen both. 

This is certainly true, but sadly even that doesn't guarantee that there won't be individuals who will take advantage.  It's still up to us to use our discernment in this stuff.

Around the same time as the incident I described earlier, there was a single mom in the ward whose car had a battery that needed replacing.  I was, at the time, an auto technician and was asked by her Home Teacher if I'd be willing to go to her house and install a replacement.  I did so, and honestly that isn't an unreasonable request.  Obviously it was a legitimate need and not just something frivolous. 

The problem that occurred to me while I was doing the job was, where do you draw the line?  Installing a fresh battery is no big deal but what if the car needed brakes?  An alternator?  A tune-up?  What auto repair isn't a matter of legitimate necessity?  Should someone like me become the unofficial ward mechanic, auto repairs free of charge right in your driveway?

It rankled me a bit that she didn't even offer me a glass of water or a snack for fixing the car.  It was just "Thanks for fixing it!"  <door close>

So that's something else that affects our feelings of being taken advantage of... when there isn't even a token of appreciation.  Hey, if she'd have offered me a little cash for my time I would have accepted but I wasn't expecting it.  What kept going through my mind  was that this woman was living in a far nicer house than I was, and could probably have afforded the repair at an actual shop just fine. 

Furthermore, what about liability?   Had I accidentally damaged the car in the process of repairing it, then legal responsibility (and moral responsibility) would have been on my shoulders... Not the Church.  So is it worth it to assume that risk?  Is it reasonable to expect someone to?

 

Sorry, didn't mean to ramble... was just kinda thinking "out loud."

Edited October 2, 2016 by unixknight

[NeuroTypical]

I knew a guy who had once been an EQP in Chicago.  He said there was sort of an underground slogan that reflected the opinions of plenty of members: "Anything you don't wanna do?  The Elders Quorum will do it for you!"

My buddy was made an EQP, and had a pretty good grasp of things.  He organized a bunch of elders to provide half a day of service for a family.  The next week, he got cornered by the wife: "We had a bunch of stuff we had to do on Saturday - where were you?"  He replied "This last weekend I helped with two moves and two service projects.  Where were you?"  I suppose "shutting her up" about it was sort of rude.  Maybe wasn't exactly the most Christlike way to... Actually, you know what?  You read a bunch of accounts with Christ talking to people, and being rude and shutting people up is exactly what He did on several occasions.

Edited October 2, 2016 by NeuroTypical

[unixknight]

8 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

My buddy was made an EQP, and had a pretty good grasp of things.  He organized a bunch of elders to provide half a day of service for a family.  The next week, he got cornered by the wife: "We had a bunch of stuff we had to do on Saturday - where were you?"

Yeah this is exactly the reason we can't become doormats.  We all have our own families and other responsibilities as well as service projects.  We make sacrifices to help our brothers and sisters in legitimate need, but the Elders' Quorum should not be viewed as a source of free labor and skills to be used to save a dime or avoid effort. 

The real problem is... what constitutes a legitimate need?  That's a matter of discernment, I guess.  If someone in my ward was driving around in a beater and was barely making ends meet, then yes I'd be willing to help by making a minor repair here and there, especially if it was appreciated.  (Yeah, I know.  Feeling appreciated is kind of a selfish desire but if I were perfect I wouldn't need the Church.)  On the other hand, if there's someone who drives around in a 2015 Cadillac and just wants to save money, no.  I'm not going to sacrifice my time with my family or other responsibilities for that.

[zil]

8 minutes ago, unixknight said:

 If someone in my ward was driving around in a beater and was barely making ends meet, then yes I'd be willing to help by making a minor repair here and there, especially if it was appreciated.  (Yeah, I know.  Feeling appreciated is kind of a selfish desire but if I were perfect I wouldn't need the Church.) 

Actually, I think appreciation is a sign that the person recognizes someone else sacrificed for them, and they will be less likely to abuse (gratitude and humility are virtues).  Lack of appreciation would indicate to me a sense of entitlement or willful abuse or greed, and that person perhaps needs to learn the hard way to get to work (or at least get humble) more than they need to receive temporal service...

[unixknight]

6 minutes ago, zil said:

Actually, I think appreciation is a sign that the person recognizes someone else sacrificed for them, and they will be less likely to abuse (gratitude and humility are virtues).  Lack of appreciation would indicate to me a sense of entitlement or willful abuse or greed, and that person perhaps needs to learn the hard way to get to work (or at least get humble) more than they need to receive temporal service...

You're right.  I just meant that sometimes the desire for that acknowledgement can be vanity if it's about one's own sense of entitlement to that appreciation.

[NeuroTypical]

Quote

Verily, verily, I say that I would that ye should do alms unto the poor; but take heed that ye do not your alms before men to be seen of them; otherwise ye have no reward of your Father who is in heaven.  Therefore, when ye shall do your alms do not sound a trumpet before you, as will hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, they have their reward.

Yeah, sometimes I read that and say to myself "you know, the glory of men doesn't sound all that bad right now".   I do have to remind myself that the Lord feels pretty darn strongly about it.   I occasionally have the urge to brag.  

If I can legitimately believe that telling a story about something cool I've done will help inspire someone, I'll go for it.  Even though there's a little pride involved sometimes.

[dahlia]

On 10/1/2016 at 0:53 PM, Sunday21 said:

Sounds like you have a good rep! I hired a sister who likes to decorate to go shopping with while I decorated my apartment. I am the kind of person who walks into a furniture store looks at a couch and walks out. The sister loved to watch home decorating shows and always had some valuable input. In fact she was so good, in the end, I just gave her a cheque, left town for a conference and when I returned, I had furniture. Wonderful woman. Her husband found a job out of town and I so miss her!

I like to do my own decorating, but yeah, it would be great to know someone like this! I can understand why you would miss her.

[Sunday21]

2 hours ago, dahlia said:

I like to do my own decorating, but yeah, it would be great to know someone like this! I can understand why you would miss her.

Sigh. The next thing I was going to hire her to do was to overhaul my wardrobe. That woman could do anything!

[NightSG]

To the original issue, from here, it's about two hours to DFW airport, and parking there can be an issue.  However, there are a lot of people in the area who travel to that area 2-3 times a month anyway, so there's a fair chance that someone might be going the right way.  It's cheaper and easier, though, to get to one of the park-and-ride areas a bit earlier and let the train or bus get you through the traffic.  That also means you could get dropped off at a mall or restaurant an hour or two early and kill some time until you need to head to the airport.