Marriage Struggle

[shellyw]

Hello everyone,

I am struggling once again with my marriage and am seeking advice. I have been married to my non-LDS husband for 8 years. We have 2 wonderfull children. When we married 8 years ago, I was not very active in the church. We had been together many years, and marriage seemed to be the next step. Once I came back to the church, I had some good conversations with my bishop and received an answer in prayer to stay with my husband. However the non-LDS aspect is one of many issues I struggle with. My H is in one word difficult. He is a good man, but our beliefs and way of looking at life is very different. He is very specific on how the house is kept. We argued much at first, but I finally conceded and keep things done his way as much as possible. However he always makes comments about clutter and how the house is dirty. It is to the point where I don't like to entertain anymore, because I am so nervous about my guests getting crumbs on the carpet and how he will tell me that I should have done a better job about not letting things like that happen. I try and calmly tell him that I am doing my best and will try and he accepts that, until the next time it happens. Another aspect I am struggling with is our friends. His best friend (and business partner) is what I would consider a party-er. When we are all together (which is pretty much all the time) they drink and are crude and like to go to trendy places I don't feel comfortable in. Our discussions about this usually lead to him telling me I need to do things with him that he likes to do. If we go see a movie (something I like to do), then we should go to a pool table hall (what he likes to do). Although I try to explain the way those places make me feel, he cannot grasp it. It is hard to be the morale leader of the family on my own. The last big issue we have is physical (as you can imagine with these other problems going on). I find myself dangerously dreaming about having the freedom of being confortable in my own place (without him) and being on my own. If you have any advice, I sure would love to hear it! Thanks!

[Jason]

Option A: Stay with him.

Option B: Leave him.

If you have kids, go with option a and get a lover.

If you don't have kids, go with option b and find a new husband.

[Josie]

Shelly,

If he is hurting you and the kids, physically and/or emotionally, get out. If he is beating you, he soon will be the kids if he isn't already. If he is doing that, I don't think it will ever change. I don't know how old your kids are, but how is all of this effecting them? You have them to think about too, and I know you are.

If you are afraid to move or do anything for fear of upsetting him, it is time to think about leaving. No man has the right to be a dictator over his family and especially to abuse them.

I suggest you figure how serious the situation is that you and the kids are in and then go have a talk with your Bishop and go from there. Don't stay until you are crushed by him though.

I am speaking from sad experience and know what it is like to be in your shoes. I stayed wayyyyyyyyy too long. Only you know what you can handle and just how bad the situation is.

Josie

[siouxz72]

Option A: Stay with him.

Option B: Leave him.

If you have kids, go with option a and get a lover.

If you don't have kids, go with option b and find a new husband.

That was greatness, Jason! I'm still giggling about option A.

But seriously, Shelly... it sounds like you're in a real jam and I'm sorry to hear that. My advice to you would be along the lines of Jason..without the lover. The question I would have you ask yourself is if you can live with a person like him for the rest of your life? Not just are you happy...but can you REALLY live with the person that your husband is. Because he's not going to change. You've already seen that and have had to make some changes of your own to deal with it. I'm going to guess that you have kids since you said that you need to be the moral leader... think of the kids. Sometimes it really is better not to "stay together for the kids". They will actually be better off in a happy home, wether that's with your current husband or not. Above all, you should do as you've done before... take it to the Lord and let him help you though..you know He will!

[tanya]

Option A: Stay with him.

Option B: Leave him.

If you have kids, go with option a and get a lover.

If you don't have kids, go with option b and find a new husband.

Have you prayed about this, I think we probably have all had thoughts like wanting to be on our own, you can't help if birds fly over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair. Get down on your knees and pray about it, GOOD LUCK Tanya

[pushka]

My ex husband used to have lots of time with his buddies...once or twice a week they would come to our house, then he would go to their houses, or go out with them. He discouraged me from having my friends visit, so I had few friends during our marriage. When he worked nights he used to try to get me to keep our young children quiet...the children were aged 2 and 6 at the time...it was really difficult. When I rebelled and did invite my female friends over, at the same time his male friends were over (the male friends' partners), we would be shut in the kitchen and repeatedly told off for laughing too loudly and enjoying ourselves. My ex used to spend as much time pursuing his own hobbies without me and our 2 children as he possibly could, including the weekends, his days off work and all holidays, he didn't even want to plan to go away on holiday as a family because that would mean spending some of his wage on us which would mean that he couldn't buy as many 'toys' for himself...as in Dr. Who and Star Trek memorabilia.

We separated then divorced 9 years ago. My children still see him every other week...they spend the week with him, and he has never changed...he still uses the majority of his wage for purchasing the same 'toys' as he used to when I was with him. He never gives the children any spending money, has them cooking, washing up, and making cups of tea for him, as well as doing other housework...and their friends are not welcome to visit...

If you think that your husband resembles the above, I would make plans to leave him and try to make your life with your children as happy as you can.

[prisonchaplain]

Unless there really is physical abuse, I'm wondering about the advice to leave this man. Is he threatening in his criticism? Do you feel coerced to keep the house clean "or else?" Or, in your desire to please him, has the relationship mutated into one in which he demands and you submit?

It might be that some marriage counseling--perhaps beginning with you alone is in order. Choose someone sensitive to your faith, but able to work with a mixed faith couple in a way that brings strength and healing.

On the other hand, if there is physical abuse--get thee and thine children out--of course.

[Alaskagain]

As PC stated, if there is immediate danger to you or your children, Leave at once!

If there is not, I advise caution. Divorce is a very hard road. Spend some time reflecting on your wedding day and the feelings you had for your husband then. What has changed? I'm sure both of you have changed over the years, but is it really too late to recover the love you once had for him?

[Guest Yediyd]

Hello everyone,

I am struggling once again with my marriage and am seeking advice. I have been married to my non-LDS husband for 8 years. We have 2 wonderfull children. When we married 8 years ago, I was not very active in the church. We had been together many years, and marriage seemed to be the next step. Once I came back to the church, I had some good conversations with my bishop and received an answer in prayer to stay with my husband. However the non-LDS aspect is one of many issues I struggle with. My H is in one word difficult. He is a good man, but our beliefs and way of looking at life is very different. He is very specific on how the house is kept. We argued much at first, but I finally conceded and keep things done his way as much as possible. However he always makes comments about clutter and how the house is dirty. It is to the point where I don't like to entertain anymore, because I am so nervous about my guests getting crumbs on the carpet and how he will tell me that I should have done a better job about not letting things like that happen. I try and calmly tell him that I am doing my best and will try and he accepts that, until the next time it happens. Another aspect I am struggling with is our friends. His best friend (and business partner) is what I would consider a party-er. When we are all together (which is pretty much all the time) they drink and are crude and like to go to trendy places I don't feel comfortable in. Our discussions about this usually lead to him telling me I need to do things with him that he likes to do. If we go see a movie (something I like to do), then we should go to a pool table hall (what he likes to do). Although I try to explain the way those places make me feel, he cannot grasp it. It is hard to be the morale leader of the family on my own. The last big issue we have is physical (as you can imagine with these other problems going on). I find myself dangerously dreaming about having the freedom of being confortable in my own place (without him) and being on my own. If you have any advice, I sure would love to hear it! Thanks!

Word of advice...the grass isn't always greener...I had those same thoughts and I ended up leaving my husband and let me tell you...it was HARD to start over as a single mother!! I am not sure what I would do if I could change the past...I had a ROUGH first couple of years...but now I have settled into my new life as a single mom and I am glad that I left him...Don't know as I could ever do that again...it is a tough choice...

[Guest Ruthie-chan]

You said that after speaking with the Bishop that you felt like you should stay with her husband.

Trust in that counsel.

Talk to your Bishop again. Read your scriptures (they have answers within them). Pray about it.

I have a ton of questions for you, which you do NOT have to answer here, but they are something for you to think about. Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to.

Have you talked to your husband about why he's so concerned about cleanliness?

Is he being Monkish (like the character on Monk who's obsessive compulsive)?

Or, do you really have issues with keeping the house clean (it's okay if you do)?

When you decided to return to church did you talk to your husband about it first? It could be that he didn't think you'd return to church so maybe feels betrayed and this is his way of taking some of that hurt out on you?

Have you talked about how you are going to raise your kids? And what religion you will raise them? What religion is your husband? What are your common beliefs?

Is there anything else going on his life, at home, at work, with the kids, etc that could be making him more aggravated?

Are you a stay at home Mom or do you work?

Have you been overly stressed lately?

When was the last time you went out on a FUN date with your husband? Or do anything fun with him, like play a game, watch a movie, cuddle. Is there some sort of activity that you BOTH enjoy doing?

When was the last time you were intimate with him?

Do these places have strippers or dancers? If not, is it possible for him to compromise? You go to the pool hall, but that he only has one beer?

Are you, or your children, in any immediate danger?

Have you thought about going to a family counselor (and probably non mormon since that might scare him off)?

[Jason]

Do these places have strippers or dancers? If not, is it possible for him to compromise? You go to the pool hall, but that he only has one beer?

Or, he can only tip the stripper five bucks, and cannot buy her a drink when she asks (or so I've heard).

[sharyll]

I understand the desire to want to walk away from a husband. I have been there as recently as three months ago. I was serious enough that I talked to a lawyer. However, after much prayer and counseling, I am trying to make it work. I know in my situation part of the problem was me. My husband has gone and gotten some help as well and that has helped. My question for you is, is he willing to go and get some counseling? I am not a member of the church because of my husband's objections to it. I have been told I am a "dry mormon" and truly believe that. I am trying to honor my husband and be supportive. Slowly over the last three months my husband has been starting to live more of a christian life. We have a long way to go before he might accept the true gospel. I have had an overwhelming peace to stay with him and live out the lds doctrine the best I can with Heavenly Father's help. We also have a child and I feel it is best to stay even if the marriage is having great difficulties. Another idea might be if there is emotional abuse, etc. to ask for a seperation. I know that the time my husband was away did help us as well. I guess what I am trying to say is there is hope for marriage. I would agree if there is extreme emotional (name calling), intimidating, bullying, physical or sexual abuse that you need to protect you and your kids. I agree that talking to the bishop is a great idea. Thanks for listening to my ramblings and hope this helps.

Sharyl

[Maureen]

Hi Shelly,

From what you've explained I would say that your husband is a controller and has a warped idea about marriage. He seems to think it revolves around him and since you haven't been able to convince him that it does not; you will probably need a marriage councelor to explain it to him.

Tell your husband that you are not happy in the marriage and that you would like to take marriage counseling with him.

Good luck!

M.

[Annabelli]

Eight years is the turning point in most marriages. If he wants you at the pool hall, he's not cheating on you. And he either wants you there because he enjoys being with you OR he is so controlling that he cannot let you out of his sight.

I cannot handle not picking up a crumb when it falls on the floor. I cannot handle it when someone's crumbs hit the floor and they ignore it. I guess that I am a crumb person too.

I tend to think that you may both be victims of each other.

From the things that you have told us, especially eight years of marriage, it is the little things that annoy and concern both of you.

Your husband sounds like he may be a "high energy person" (outgoing) and you tend to enjoy your own space.

It is not unusual for married people to have different interest as long as they are respectful of each other's feelings.

If your Bishop counseled you to stay in the marriage and work things out, he obviously did not see any physical abuse. Your private life is as much concern to him as your Church attendance.

[Elphaba]

The last big issue we have is physical (as you can imagine with these other problems going on).

I don't understand why things have to get so bad that it has to become physically abusive before it's obviously time to leave. I think you are in an emotionally abusive situation now. His need to control you is obvious.

For example, his taking you to pool halls when you clearly aren't comfortable there is not him wanting your company. It is him controlling you, which is emotionally abusive. You should never be coerced into going somewhere you are not comfortable. If you tell him 'No, I don't want to go," that should be the end of it.

All that aside, you've clearly stated there is also physical "issue." So, obviously, you need to get out. Now.

Maybe he will be willing to go to counseling and face up to his controlling issues. Maybe not. But you are distraught enough you felt the need to reach out. That tells me this is seriuos. You need to remove yourself from the situation so you can gather your emotional resources, and get yourself somewhere safe.

You have time for the future to see what will happen down the road. But right now, if you stay with him you will have no control and it will be harder and harder to leave. If you decide that is okay, then maybe things aren't really that bad. But if you decide that it is that bad, don't waste another second.

Elphaba

[MadHatter]

Hello everyone,

I am struggling once again with my marriage and am seeking advice. I have been married to my non-LDS husband for 8 years. We have 2 wonderfull children. When we married 8 years ago, I was not very active in the church. We had been together many years, and marriage seemed to be the next step. Once I came back to the church, I had some good conversations with my bishop and received an answer in prayer to stay with my husband. However the non-LDS aspect is one of many issues I struggle with. My H is in one word difficult. He is a good man, but our beliefs and way of looking at life is very different. He is very specific on how the house is kept. We argued much at first, but I finally conceded and keep things done his way as much as possible. However he always makes comments about clutter and how the house is dirty. It is to the point where I don't like to entertain anymore, because I am so nervous about my guests getting crumbs on the carpet and how he will tell me that I should have done a better job about not letting things like that happen. I try and calmly tell him that I am doing my best and will try and he accepts that, until the next time it happens. Another aspect I am struggling with is our friends. His best friend (and business partner) is what I would consider a party-er. When we are all together (which is pretty much all the time) they drink and are crude and like to go to trendy places I don't feel comfortable in. Our discussions about this usually lead to him telling me I need to do things with him that he likes to do. If we go see a movie (something I like to do), then we should go to a pool table hall (what he likes to do). Although I try to explain the way those places make me feel, he cannot grasp it. It is hard to be the morale leader of the family on my own. The last big issue we have is physical (as you can imagine with these other problems going on). I find myself dangerously dreaming about having the freedom of being confortable in my own place (without him) and being on my own. If you have any advice, I sure would love to hear it! Thanks!

I'm very sorry to hear your plight.

you are a Daughter of God and he loves you very much. He wishes nothign but the best for his daughters and you should know that he will do everythign he can to help you short of taking away your free-agency.

There is nothing "wrong" with marrying outside of the church. it is advised against because things of this nature happens. I married outside of the church to a wonderful woman who is catholic(she's actually investigating the church and loves it so far but that's besides the point i'm going to make). Your salvation and your children's salvation is what matters. you have two children, you are a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you are required to rear your children in righteousness and teach them the gospel and to understand it's principals. If being with your husband compromises those things. I exhort you to leave by any means neccicary. If he cannot repect the fact that you need to do certain things (like, not going to bars or pubs, hanging around unruly company, Family prayer in the morning and at night, Scripture Study, proper wholesome entertainment, and keeping the sabbath day holy) you need to make changes in your life if you are desirous to return to live with your heavenly father.

When i married my wife, I was already on the road to getting active again in the church. before we got married i had a logn talk with my bishop and he told me that i had to do some things, which were very very hard to do. I had just moved into an apartment with her and my bishop told me we either had to get married or make for seaparate living arrangements. I explained everything to my wife and she was upset for a few days, i felt like i was going to loose her, and in my prayers i needed answers, and i got one. I needed to tell her something specific, and so i did, and she agreed to marry me in 2 weeks time right after i did what the Lord told me to do. I know the lord answered my prayers and that my marriage was "endorsed by God himslef" (my bishop said that).

The Fact is, nomatter your situation, you cannot afford to compromise your morals and your values, and your responsibility to your children, please take that into consideration, pray about things, Fast, and talk with your bishop for guidance.

[the_jason]

If you have kids, go with option a and get a lover.

Of all the ridiculous things you've ever said, that's got to be at the top of the list.

[BenRaines]

I never saw a mention of physical abuse but an indication of physical like in intimacy or the lack of. Did I read this wrong?

If physical abuse then get the heck out. If lack of physical intimacy then work on it.

Ben Raines

[Dove]

<div class='quotemain'>The last big issue we have is physical (as you can imagine with these other problems going on).

I don't understand why things have to get so bad that it has to become physically abusive before it's obviously time to leave. I think you are in an emotionally abusive situation now. His need to control you is obvious.

For example, his taking you to pool halls when you clearly aren't comfortable there is not him wanting your company. It is him controlling you, which is emotionally abusive. You should never be coerced into going somewhere you are not comfortable. If you tell him 'No, I don't want to go," that should be the end of it.

All that aside, you've clearly stated there is also physical "issue." So, obviously, you need to get out. Now.

Maybe he will be willing to go to counseling and face up to his controlling issues. Maybe not. But you are distraught enough you felt the need to reach out. That tells me this is seriuos. You need to remove yourself from the situation so you can gather your emotional resources, and get yourself somewhere safe.

You have time for the future to see what will happen down the road. But right now, if you stay with him you will have no control and it will be harder and harder to leave. If you decide that is okay, then maybe things aren't really that bad. But if you decide that it is that bad, don't waste another second.

Elphaba

Hi, Shelly,

I'm sorry to hear of the sorrow in your marriage. I'm with Elphaba a great deal on this. It sounds like you feel very picked at and not respected. You seem fearful of your husband, and that frightens me. Maybe now is the time to ask yourself, "Am I happy? Is this what I want for the rest of my life? Do I feel safe emotionally and physically with my husband, and for my children?"

I wouldn't worry about your fantasies of getting your husband out of the house-maybe they are giving you an idea of what you really want and need. Please, don't stay in your marriage out of fear and guilt. Give yourself the space to figure out what is in you and your children's best interest.

I wouldn't want to live with someone with whom I had to walk on eggshells for. For me, safety and acceptance of each other (including respecting your beliefs), is paramount to a good marriage.

Hope this is helpful, again, good luck. Dove

[boyando]

<div class='quotemain'>The last big issue we have is physical (as you can imagine with these other problems going on).

I don't understand why things have to get so bad that it has to become physically abusive before it's obviously time to leave. I think you are in an emotionally abusive situation now. His need to control you is obvious.

For example, his taking you to pool halls when you clearly aren't comfortable there is not him wanting your company. It is him controlling you, which is emotionally abusive. You should never be coerced into going somewhere you are not comfortable. If you tell him 'No, I don't want to go," that should be the end of it.

All that aside, you've clearly stated there is also physical "issue." So, obviously, you need to get out. Now.

Maybe he will be willing to go to counseling and face up to his controlling issues. Maybe not. But you are distraught enough you felt the need to reach out. That tells me this is seriuos. You need to remove yourself from the situation so you can gather your emotional resources, and get yourself somewhere safe.

You have time for the future to see what will happen down the road. But right now, if you stay with him you will have no control and it will be harder and harder to leave. If you decide that is okay, then maybe things aren't really that bad. But if you decide that it is that bad, don't waste another second.

Elphaba

My big Sister is right.

We both, even today, suffer from the problems that my Mother and Father had. I do not know of anyone who had it as bad as me and Elpha had it, but that was a different time.

I know that the advice, given here, is not the best advice that you can get, because there is no way for anyone to get the full picture, from a few paragraphs.

I am not a fan of Dr. Laura, but I do like here rules on when it is time to leave a marriage. Abuse, addiction, and adultery, and he/she is out of here.

Keep in touch, so we will know that you are O.K. - allmosthumble

[Elphaba]

<div class='quotemain'>I don't understand why things have to get so bad that it has to become physically abusive before it's obviously time to leave. I think you are in an emotionally abusive situation now. His need to control you is obvious.

For example, his taking you to pool halls when you clearly aren't comfortable there is not him wanting your company. It is him controlling you, which is emotionally abusive. You should never be coerced into going somewhere you are not comfortable. If you tell him 'No, I don't want to go," that should be the end of it.

All that aside, you've clearly stated there is also physical "issue." So, obviously, you need to get out. Now.

Maybe he will be willing to go to counseling and face up to his controlling issues. Maybe not. But you are distraught enough you felt the need to reach out. That tells me this is seriuos. You need to remove yourself from the situation so you can gather your emotional resources, and get yourself somewhere safe.

You have time for the future to see what will happen down the road. But right now, if you stay with him you will have no control and it will be harder and harder to leave. If you decide that is okay, then maybe things aren't really that bad. But if you decide that it is that bad, don't waste another second.

Elphaba

My big Sister is right.

We both, even today, suffer from the problems that my Mother and Father had. I do not know of anyone who had it as bad as me and Elpha had it, but that was a different time.

I know that the advice, given here, is not the best advice that you can get, because there is no way for anyone to get the full picture, from a few paragraphs.

I am not a fan of Dr. Laura, but I do like here rules on when it is time to leave a marriage. Abuse, addiction, and adultery, and he/she is out of here.

Keep in touch, so we will know that you are O.K. - allmosthumble

We're here, right?

Your big sister, who loves you with all her heart.

Elphaba

[DarthOpto]

Shelly,

It sounds like you are having some serious issues.

They need to be addressed. The first thing which you need to do is to talk with your bishop about the things going on. He is the only one authorized and holding the keys to receive revelation for you other than yourself. Talk with him, confide in him, ask for his advice and then follow it.

This is a very difficult situation for you and I am sorry that you are going through something like this. The absolute best advice you can receive is to talk with your bishop.

[Guest double_b]

This is a hard situtation to be put into. Take a step back. Many times when we pray we try to hear the answer we want too. Did you ever see the movie Charly? When her husband was giving her a blessing he gave her a blessing to live. It is what he wanted, not what god wanted. Sometimes we feel what we want and hear the same as well.

But if you feel strongly that you need to stay put. You must do so. Here is some advice for you though.

First, you are right to compromise on what you do as a couple. But dont compromise on your standards or the church standards. You dont have to do anything he wants just cause he saw a movie with you. Just tell him no and stand by it.

Invite missionaries and or other members for diner. Bring church to him. You dont have to force it down his throat but he has to see how important it is to you. If you dont back down on this, it will teach your children how important it is.

Last, communicate with him and let him know why you are doing this. Tell him that your savior and your heavenly father come first in your life and that if you need to be closer to them, even if that means putting space between him. He will only change if he sees there are consequences to his actions. This is human nature. If our parents never punished us for doing something wrong, would any of us ever changed? No, wouldnt have.

Always remember this. A marriage is a pyramid. Christ is at the top and you and your husband are at the bottom. If both of you are climbing to get closer to him. You will get closer to each other. But if only one of you is climbing and the other isnt, distance starts to be created. And if neither of you climb, there will always be a huge gap between you.

[Gaia]

My heart really is touched with your situation.

Here's the deal: Many people get to the point where they start dreaming of being alone, but they don't quite realize that it has it very own set of problems. Having to deal with all the daily problems and challenges of living is no picnic, especially for a single Mom; you can get awfully lonely, isolated, even fearful when it's ALL on your shoulders, alone, with nobody to share it with.

Consider financial challenges -- what will that be like for you? Will you have to get a job? What are you prepared to do? Will you need training or education? How will you manage that? (There are many resources for women that you should check into) --

Consider raising your kids alone -- and you have to be very careful not to make your oldest or your boy your "surrogate" partner -- that's a trap many single moms fall into.

The thing is, if you leave him, you will simply be trading one set of problems fo another -- So the question really is, which set do you think you could more reasonably, comfortably, live with?

For more help making the decision and checking out the resources you'll need, check with your local women's resource center, and/or Parents Without Partners ---

Good luck to you --

~Gaia

[Annabelli]

It has been a month since Shelly made her post and I hope she has found peace in her life. I pray that Shelly will one day be able to tell us how she is doing.