Apology not acknowledged

[Mickey]

Many years ago, my brother in law cheated on his wife and destroyed his marriage to her. (Two children).. He then had several children with this girlfriend that he never married. To me, he lost my respect. She has remarried and has a family. I reunited with the ex on social media and "thought" I was showing my support on her behalf. She ended up getting mad and "Thanking" me for opening up a can of worms. I apologized immediately. A year or more has passed and I sent her a message telling her once again that I apologize for anything I said although I thought my words were in her favor, showing that I sided with her. She has not responded although I can see she has seen my message.  I felt compelled to apologize this 2nd time so that she realized I was sincere since we haven't talked since the first communication. I am still in the family and she is not, and I wanted her to know that even so, I am not on "his" side. What more can I do or say?

 

(Thank you for your replies...since this was over 15 years ago, I thought It was a safe to show my support to her after all this time).

Edited March 20, 2017 by Mickey
addition

[Jane_Doe]

Some disjointed thoughts--

--Sensitive messages (such as the relating to the destruction of her life) are best handled in person, or at least over FaceTime.  Facebook is a way prone to things being misunderstood.

-- I'm guessing that she is not done healing from the divorce (that's a giant wound).  While she is healing, she has the right to request adequate space/time to heal.  While you mean well in your apology, if she doesn't want to talk about it at all and feel like it's ripping at scabs, then you got to respect her call there.  Give her space and time to recover.

-- What you can do in the mean time: keep your door open.  If she wants to talk about serious stuff or small chat, she can know that you're always there and the door is open.  When/if she's ready, she can walk through it. 

[NeedleinA]

Appears to me that you have done your part. You extended your hand even though it was not appreciated/accepted, that was her choice.
I imagine that the pain of what your brother did to her was so great that any association with him and that event simply triggers feelings that she honestly simply would rather avoid all together. I wouldn't take it personally. She appears to have moved on and for her looking back in any form simply might not be in the cards for her emotionally.

Perhaps some day in the future when she is in a better/healed place she can approach you and thank you for trying to be nice to her. Until then, you have done your part and I would let it be.

Edited March 20, 2017 by NeedleinA

[yjacket]

In a marriage it takes two to tango. I'm not excusing the husband's behavior; however more likely than not the marriage was broken way before the actual infidelity and for that both the husband and the wife share the fault.

From what you've presented the ex could use a good lesson in something called social grace . . . i.e. when someone offers you an apology/condolences, you accept it.  This new cultural norm that a fully formed adult gets to say something like "you don't know how I feel, or thanks a lot for opening the problem again", or feels it appropriate to lash out at another is quite new and quite frankly is the attitude of a teenager that never grew up.  A moody teenager is expected to have those feelings and not respond appropriately.  A fully formed mature, responsible adult might still have those feelings but knows better than to be a jerk.  

Some things are better left unsaid and even if one does think "well I really didn't need to be reminded about xyz", the best appropriate action is to simply accept the offer and then move on. The fact that she didn't and instead lashed out at you does not reflect well on her and her maturity level, i.e. she hasn't grown up and that very well could have been a source of the marital problems. . . but who knows.

At this point, there is not much else you can do. Don't worry about it and move on with life.  If anything, simply say STTE of "I'm glad things are working out well for you, your husband and children.  I hope things continue to go well.  If you ever would like to chat please let me know" and then be done with it.

Life is just too dang short to hang onto junk like this and let it worry and stress you out.

Edited March 20, 2017 by yjacket

[NeuroTypical]

2 hours ago, Mickey said:

my brother in law cheated on his wife
...
I am still in the family and she is not

Wait - I wanted to make sure of something.  The wife of your BIL, is your sister, right?  Then why is she no longer in 'the family'?

[Guest MormonGator]

You sound like a really nice guy bro but I'm not sure there is anything you can do. Kudos to you for checking in on her though. 

[Mickey]

My brother in law's ex wife. Not my sister. Thank you.

Edited March 20, 2017 by Mickey
addition

[NeuroTypical]

Ah - that makes sense.  

Yeah, what MormonGator said.  You apologized, and now a long time later, you're interesting in apologizing again.  Feel free to try, but maybe ask yourself why you're wanting to do it.  I can see two reasons:

1- You are very sorry for what you said, you didn't wish her any ill-will, and you want to try again to just make sure that she understands you didn't do anything hurtful on purpose.  This is about you, not her. 

2- You are interested in maintaining friendly ties with her and you, or her and the family.  This is useful if there's common relatives, folks live in the same town, might make things easier on kids, etc.  This is about seeing if she's willing to be on friendly terms with you/the family.  

Do either of these fit?  If so, my advice is to let #1 go and not try again after 15 years.  You tried - your duty here is complete.  If it's #2, go for it.  Maybe don't even bring up the past and just see if she's amenable to friendly relations in general.

[Just_A_Guy]

I agree with @yjacket.  Too often we see divorce as a severance between one "good guy" and one "bad guy".

Your BIL's cheating should naturally be condemned in the strongest of terms.  But that doesn't rule out the possibility that his ex is, and maybe always was, a little crazy.

You've apologized.  Twice.  You are hereby excused from further groveling.

[yjacket]

Just now, Just_A_Guy said:

I agree with @yjacket.  Too often we see divorce as a severance between one "good guy" and one "bad guy".

Your BIL's cheating should naturally be condemned in the strongest of terms.  But that doesn't rule out the possibility that his ex is, and maybe always was, a little crazy.

You've apologized.  Twice.  You are hereby excused from further groveling.

What! JAG and yjacket agreeing?  There must be something in the water. . ..hurry anyone have the horoscopes?  It's the END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT!!!!!!!

;-).

[Vort]

3 hours ago, Mickey said:

What more can I do or say?

Nothing. You've done what you can. Go on your way, continue your life, and let her go on her way and continue her life.

1 hour ago, NeuroTypical said:

The wife of your BIL, is your sister, right?  Then why is she no longer in 'the family'?

In this case, I'm guessing his brother-in-law is his wife's brother, so the divorce didn't stop him from continuing as brother-in-law to the OP.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

Sounds to me like it doesn`t matter to her what you said, either way you brought up something she did not want brought up.  Continuing to apologize for it just brings it up again.  Leave it be.

[Bini]

On 3/20/2017 at 6:55 AM, Mickey said:

Many years ago, my brother in law cheated on his wife and destroyed his marriage to her. (Two children).. He then had several children with this girlfriend that he never married. To me, he lost my respect. She has remarried and has a family. I reunited with the ex on social media and "thought" I was showing my support on her behalf. She ended up getting mad and "Thanking" me for opening up a can of worms. I apologized immediately. A year or more has passed and I sent her a message telling her once again that I apologize for anything I said although I thought my words were in her favor, showing that I sided with her. She has not responded although I can see she has seen my message.  I felt compelled to apologize this 2nd time so that she realized I was sincere since we haven't talked since the first communication. I am still in the family and she is not, and I wanted her to know that even so, I am not on "his" side. What more can I do or say?

 

(Thank you for your replies...since this was over 15 years ago, I thought It was a safe to show my support to her after all this time).

Leave it alone.

I've been in those shoes and when I don't respond, it means, I don't want to go back to that place in memory or in any shape/form.