Help. Are My Girlfriends Parents Crazy?

[barnemic]

thank you for that :) but it think you forgot im 18. and ive changed alot in the last 2 years even. before i converted i made really bad chioces. did bad things. and have had my fair share of hard lessens. almost too hard,so that almost no one i know has had to learn. and because of that i know how change is. i know the difference between good and bad. i never messed up in school, im very responsible. i graduated early and and im in college. im as mature as a 18 year can be. and so is my girlfriend, she also is graduating erly. and we both know a marriage will take work. they all do. there for it is worth the work for the one u love.

[prisonchaplain]

Mikeb, your heart is set on marriage, she agrees, and you are both of the same faith. You've established your maturity and responsibility. She is the same.

One thing you lack--you must honor mother and father--yours and hers. Win their hearts, and you'll save yourselves many years of heartache.

You can have a workable marriage without the parents' blessing--but God is more pleased if you can patiently gain it.

[Old Tex]

I'm as mature as a 18 year old can be. .

And that's the point, son. An 18 year old cannot be as mature as a 21 or 22 years old. At 18 you are physically unable to make as good a decision as you will be at 21. You cannot see it now, but you will then. It's a matter of brain development.

The grey matter needs to settle a little more. Take it from someone who has been married for 52 years, I know what I'm talking about. Listen to her parents and to your parents. They are giving you the best advice you can get. When you get to the point of realizing that, it shows that your grey matter has settled a little more.

[checkerboy]

Let me tell you a story about my soon to be ex wife. She moved in with a guy the minute she graduated from high school. They got engaged. Then he cheated on her and she moved out. Not more then a year later at 19 she married her first husband. They had a daughter real quick. That marriage lasted three years. I came next after dating for 9 months we were married. About three years ago she decided that living the gospel wasn't worth it. So now we are getting divorced.

When I was in high school I just new I was gonna marry my girlfriend. Despite the fact that she wasn't LDS. I was in "love."

People change. Don't do something because hormones are involved. You may have learned many things in your 18 years but I am pretty sure that those older then you have gone through many things that you couldn't even fathom. Heck my wife is 31 now and still changing on a daily basis.

[pam]

Mikeb, your heart is set on marriage, she agrees, and you are both of the same faith. You've established your maturity and responsibility. She is the same.

One thing you lack--you must honor mother and father--yours and hers. Win their hearts, and you'll save yourselves many years of heartache.

You can have a workable marriage without the parents' blessing--but God is more pleased if you can patiently gain it.

I'm not questioning the wisdom of what you say. But one question. How far does honoring mother and father have to be taken? I am thinking about a story that happened here in Utah. Parents "kidnap" their quite old enough daughter two days before she is to get married so that she would miss her wedding. All because they disagreed on her choice. She went ahead and got married in the temple and now the parents are facing some possible jail time.

[Canuck Mormon]

Me and 2 of my friends all married our "high school sweethearts". We all even waited until we were at least 20 before doing so. Now 18 years later (man I'm old) only one of those couples are still together. People change over the years. I think this is what is causing her parents to react the way that they have. They are concerned they're daughter will get hurt, no offence to you. Maybe sit down with them and have a rational discussion where everyone can voice their concerns.

Good Luck to you both.

[prisonchaplain]

PAM ASKS: I'm not questioning the wisdom of what you say. But one question. How far does honoring mother and father have to be taken? I am thinking about a story that happened here in Utah. Parents "kidnap" their quite old enough daughter two days before she is to get married so that she would miss her wedding. All because they disagreed on her choice. She went ahead and got married in the temple and now the parents are facing some possible jail time.

we can honor our parents for who they are, and what their roles are, without endorsing their wrong-doing. The parents were clearly wrong to do what they did. Honoring them, would mean visiting them in jail on accasion, and praying for them. Further, is it possible that had the couple been more willing to at least hear the parents' concerns, that it might not have ended so tragically?

Another example of limits. If the couple is religious, and the parents are not, and the parents object to a religious wedding...God comes before parents. Nevertheless, the bridges are never burned...the believers always hold out hope for reconciliation. Hope this clarifies my thoughts on an area that is admittedly frought with nuances and situations.

In this case (the young but mature couple), I just sense that patience will help them win the approval of the parents. I could be wrong, but that's my sense. My own case went that way. We were patient with parents concerns, and eventually we won their blessing.

[Maureen]

Mikeb, your heart is set on marriage, she agrees, and you are both of the same faith. You've established your maturity and responsibility. She is the same.

One thing you lack--you must honor mother and father--yours and hers. Win their hearts, and you'll save yourselves many years of heartache.

You can have a workable marriage without the parents' blessing--but God is more pleased if you can patiently gain it.

This is very interesting because I’ve never really realized how important the parents’ blessings are until now.

When my husband and I got married the pastor did not have the typical patriarchal tradition of “Who gives this woman…” because he didn’t like the implication of the bride being property of her father. So instead he had both sets of parents acknowledge at the ceremony that they gave their blessings to the wedding and marriage. It now occurs to me because of what PC wrote why it was so important.

M.

[mightynancy]

Honoring your parents not only means respecting them. It can also mean that you bring them honor. Don't do things that would shame your family. It's an old-fashioned concept, but I love it. It builds self-respect in a child, and loyalty within the family.

Do you have to obey parents in the wrong? No. Should you behave in a way that speaks well of them/honors them? Yep.

PC's point about waiting for the parents' blessing is a wise one - the in-law relationship can be a strain under the best of circumstances. Starting off on the right foot is a huge step in the right direction!

Good luck, Mike!

[Maureen]

...PC's point about waiting for the parents' blessing is a wise one - the in-law relationship can be a strain under the best of circumstances. Starting off on the right foot is a huge step in the right direction!

And many young people cannot see at the beginning that they are not just marrying each other, they are also marrying each others' families.

M.

[Canuck Mormon]

<div class='quotemain'>

...PC's point about waiting for the parents' blessing is a wise one - the in-law relationship can be a strain under the best of circumstances. Starting off on the right foot is a huge step in the right direction!

And many young people cannot see at the beginning that they are not just marrying each other, they are also marrying each others' families.

M.

AMEN!!!!

[barnemic]

haha u guys are all just saying that because you are all parents. and my parents already said they gave us support, but her parents are jerk period. noneof you understand.

[Soulsearcher]

I'm not a parent and i do understand, however i agree that the amount of people who swear at 18 they are ready for marriage and are in their first serious relationship tend to be out of their deapth when it comes time ot facing what's coming.

Last time i heard this argument was when my best friend married his high school sweet heart, we tried ot stop him cause he was just not seeing the big picture, but he went through with it. 9 months later they split and 9 years later he just finally got his life back.

[onyx]

im 18 and am an LDS convert. I have been dating my girlfriend who is also a member of the church for five months now, she is 17, the first 3 months were perfect and they trusted us but all of a sudden when we told them we wanted to get married, they freaked out. now we can only see eachother 2 days a week. cant have communication. we arnt aloud to text. and they want us to date other people, they threatened to send her to a bording school. i mean we are perfect. i go to college, she gets good grades in school. we both have jobs we have done nothing wrong at all. we are in love. we dont drink, do drugs or anything. and we fallow the gospel. what are we doing wrong? is it ok for them to be doing this to us? we are in love and i know that she is the one. they think we are TOO serious. why?

Hi MikeB,

You ask a few questions here:

1. Are my girlfriends parents crazy?

2. What are we doing wrong?

3. Is it ok for them to be doing this to us?

4. They think we are too serious...why?

I'm wondering of you have had the opportunity to sit down and talk with your girlfriend's parents about these questions?

They are the only ones who can truely answer your concerns, especially questions 2 and 4.

Is it ok for them to be doing this to you guys?

Setting boundaries for their 17 year old daughter?

Yeah, I think you'll find that as parents of a minor they can legally do that.

It might be a pain for you and your girlfriend but parents are allowed to set boundaries.

Are they crazy?

Can't answer that one for yah.

Don't know them at all to be able to make the judgement.

Did you think they were quite sane before they set these boundaries?

If you thought they were sane before these rules then they are probably not crazy.

Perhaps they are just a little bit concerned and reacting accordingly.

It sounds like you are both working hard to live the Gospel and to live good lives.

I hope it all works out for you guys.

Hang in there!

Onyx

[Palerider]

haha u guys are all just saying that because you are all parents. and my parents already said they gave us support, but her parents are jerk period. noneof you understand.

you mean we don't understand cause we did not side with you???? typical response from an 18yr old....

[Old Tex]

<div class='quotemain'>

...PC's point about waiting for the parents' blessing is a wise one - the in-law relationship can be a strain under the best of circumstances. Starting off on the right foot is a huge step in the right direction!

And many young people cannot see at the beginning that they are not just marrying each other, they are also marrying each others' families.

M.

Amen. And the only way to change that is to outlive them.

[Old Tex]

haha u guys are all just saying that because you are all parents. and my parents already said they gave us support, but her parents are jerk period. noneof you understand.

We understand. I have kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids, so I've been around the block a few times. I was 18 one time too. I was smarter that the "old folks" too. I got married and it lasted two years. But that's me. You are different. That's what all 18 year olds say. I thought that I was different too. Listen to your girl friend's parents and save you all some misery.

[mightynancy]

Let's see here, Mike, who exactly is judging others based on age? That would be you!

My advice to you was based on my experiences in dating and marriage...not on my experiences as a parent. My kids are too young for me to worry about that at this point. But I *have* lived through my teens, 20's and more, and have some perspective to offer you.

Getting defensive when others have kindly offered perspectives, when you asked for them, is frankly immature.

Okay, I'm gonna show my age: Who remembers the Fresh Prince's "Parents Just Don't Understand"?

[pam]

Let's see here, Mike, who exactly is judging others based on age? That would be you!

My advice to you was based on my experiences in dating and marriage...not on my experiences as a parent. My kids are too young for me to worry about that at this point. But I *have* lived through my teens, 20's and more, and have some perspective to offer you.

Getting defensive when others have kindly offered perspectives, when you asked for them, is frankly immature.

Okay, I'm gonna show my age: Who remembers the Fresh Prince's "Parents Just Don't Understand"?

It's on my IPOD.

[Elphaba]

I couldn't make the quotes work, so Mike's comments are in italics.

Hi Mike,

In your opening post, you explained your situation with you and your 17-year-old girlfriend, and how her parents were “freaking out,” even threatening to send her to a boarding school to stop you two from being together, and you asked “is it ok for them to be doing this to us?”

My answer: Absolutely. After reading all of your posts, it’s very clear to me that you are far from ready to be married, and if you were going to marry my daughter I would do everything possible to stop it.

i know that Marriage isnt a game at all. we have an amazing relationship. and OUR plans arent changing. i didnt want your advise on getting married thank you. just wanted to know if them freaking out is normal. and i will be goin to college with her once she graduates. we are going to build a foundation together. Mike, did you know you are rude?

You are the one who came to this board asking for advice. And when the people kindly gave it, you berated them because they didn’t give you the answers you expected. Your mannerisms are appalling. And I have no doubt your girlfriend’s parents have observed this behavior in you as well, and of course they don’t want you for their daughter’s husband.

Rude people are very self-centered, believing there is nothing wrong with speaking to other people in this manner. It is wrong, however. It is disrespectful to your fellow human beings. It is immature. It shows a lack of awareness that it hurts other people, especially wives and children. Why in the world would your girlfriend’s parents want their daughter to marry you, knowing what a rude person you are?

grr we fallowed their rules. it did matter. they thot the rules would break us. but they made us stronger. so they want us to break up cause we are too serious They want to break you up because you are immature and self-centered. You sound like a whiny 13-year-old, instead of a mature 18-year-old.

hy are we to young? Because you are. The vast majority of teenage marriages end in divorce. everyone and every love is different.iHogwash. Statistically marriages that fail do so for the same reason everywhere. One of the major reasons is marrying too young, because, as other posters have pointed out, your brain is still developing. That is literal--just as a baby’s brain develops over the years, YOUR brain is still developing. It does so until the about the age of 25! So you can keep insisting until the north pole melts away that you’re not going to change, but you have no choice in the matter. You are going to change. Hopefully, you will also make a conscious effort to make efforts to emotionally mature during this time as well.

theres not set age where its right. Yes there is, and 18, statistically is not it. And yes, I can hear you saying “But we’re different.” No, you are not, for there is an “emotional” age one has to attain to be ready for marriage, and I guarantee you, you are not emotionally at that age. I can tell by your rudeness, your anger, and your need to “win” the battle with your girlfriend’s parents.

You need to understand that as long as you see this as a battle with them, you are choosing to put them, and your girlfriend, in an impossible situation. Just coming to this board and wanting everyone to confirm that yes, her parents are being ridiculous, was part of your battle plan. An emotionally mature young man would never do such a silly thing. You need to be the better person, quit thinking of this as a battle, and grow up.

ate to break that to you. but we know what we have and are very commited Once again you’re rude. Do you believe that sarcasm is cool? That it makes you look more like a man? Because it doesn’t. It makes you look stupid and ignorant. It makes you look emotionally immature.

Additionally, the fact that you are spouting off all these homilies about love and marriage without really knowing what you are talking about indicates to me you are not as learned about marriage as you seem to think you are. And your girlfriend’s parents understand this, and that is why they don’t want their daughter to marry you.

So if you want to marry her, you need to do whatever you can to stop acting like a tough guy with your ignorant and rude sarcasm. Next, stop making assumptions about love and marriage. Look up the statistics. Be willing to confront reality before you make these long-changing decisions.

hy are we to young? and i want to know this. just because YOU went throw it does not mean we will everyone is different. Of course because she went through it means you are too young as well. What in the world makes you think you are any different, smarter or better than Pam? You aren’t! You’re just an immature 18-year-old who thinks he has all the answers, and you don’t!. Pam was 18 once, and does know more than you because she‘s been through it already. You should listen to her instead of acting like an idiot know-it-all.

and i agree that early marriages dont work as often, but we both have faith. and have the same goals. and i am in college actually. getting a degree. and im already sucessful with out it. so support isnt an issue but over all thank you for your opinions. iFirst, while it is admirable you’re in college, getting that part of your life set, it has nothing to do with an emotionally successful marriage. However, it is a huge part of a financially successful marriage. So keep that up.

sorry i had to snap at you These seven words sum up everything I am trying to explain to you. They are rude. They are immature. They are self-centered. And they show a complete unawareness of the world outside of yourself.

You did not “have” to snap at Pam--you “chose” to snap at her. You had no right to snap at her. She said nothing wrong to you. But even if she had, you still had no right to snap at her. Grown ups do not snap at each other, at least not mature grown ups. It is immature and ignorant. Snapping at Pam demonstrates you think you have a right to treat other human being with disrespect--you do not! Again, we’re back to your emotional immaturity. STOP and THINK before you snap at someone. And also, I’m sure your girlfriend’s parents have seen this behavior in you, and of course they don’t want their daughter married to someone who acts like this.

i know the difference between good and bad. i never messed up in school, im very responsible. i graduated early and and im in college. im as mature as a 18 year can be. and so is my girlfriend, she also is graduating erly. and we both know a marriage will take work. they all do. there for it is worth the work for the one u love. You know, you almost had me here. But then, you just had to write the following:

haha u guys are all just saying that because you are all parents. and my parents already said they gave us support, but her parents are jerk period. noneof you understand.

Mike, once again you are rude. You are self-centered. You are immature. You are disrespectful to your fellow human beings. You are not as mature as an 18-year-old could be; in fact, you are one of the most immature 18 year olds I’ve seen.

You need to stop blaming your girlfriend’s parents, and start reflecting at your own behaviors. You need to understand that you lack emotional maturity. You need to do whatever you possibly can to understand what I’m talking about if you want to marry your girlfriend, because if you want her to be happy, then you are going to have to gain her parents trust. If you don’t do that, she will always be unhappy about that. And if you don’t do everything you possibly can to build that trust, then, no matter how old you are, you will always still be an immature, self-centered 18-year-old at heart.

Elphaba

[Fiannan]

As the mother of an 18 year old who is a senior in high school....I can understand where her parents are coming from. Understand their point of view. Their daughter is just 17. So much living to do...college...etc etc etc. I also understand where you two are coming from. But I'm here to tell you from experience. 17 and 18 are just TOO young to make that kind of a commitment. Go off to college...you go on a mission if worthy. Enjoy your young life while you still can without all the commitments of marriage. Marriage isn't a game. It's a lot of work and alot of responsibility. If after all of that the love still remains..then discuss it. Her parents might have a better outlook on it at that point.

Yes, party on weekends, date others like crazy (never know what you'll discover about yourself), maybe travel to Europe, evaluate even if you want to marry...you know, the worldly ways have their benefits.

Then again...be patient -- when she turns 18 she can do whatever she wants to do and even the most authoritarian parents can't do a thing about it.

[prisonchaplain]

There was a time when marrying at 18/17 was common. In that era, most people went to work right out of high school, and most had the support of both extended families.

It is harder for such marriages to work today. If you plan to work straight out of high school, you limit your earnings potential. If you plan to study together, do not be surprised by delays that come along--babies, for example.

My wife and I married much later in life than you--yet we were both studying when we did. Babies came along, and my wife ultimately gave up completing her college degree. We're happy, and it's working out, because I've been blessed with a very stable professional position at comfortable pay. I am positive that had I married when you are planning to, finances would have been disastorous.

The one factor that could make young marriage work today is if both families are behind it. So, unlike some, I would not discourage you out of hand. Rather, I'd say: prove you can make it, by being mature and patient enough to win the hearts of your inlaws to be.

[barnemic]

her parents are behind us now. they admitted they were wrong. thanks anyways haha

[Canuck Mormon]

her parents are behind us now. they admitted they were wrong. thanks anyways haha

Good luck to you both.

[Maureen]

her parents are behind us now. they admitted they were wrong. thanks anyways haha

Being a parent, I find this hard to believe. Are you just saying this mikeb to end the conversation?

M.