My husband won't let me stay home with our baby because I make more money than him

[Alia]

10 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Your son being a few months older isn't going to result in your husband being willing to face real-world challenges.

I agree but I need to hope that it will. 

[Alia]

31 minutes ago, Iggy said:

Um, you said: the bolded part below in particular ~ doesn't get him dressed, he actually claimed he forgets (this is plural aka multiple times) to feed him. To me, that is Neglect, pure and simple!

On 11/21/2018 at 11:11 PM, Alia said:

I know it is bad but our son isn't malnutritioned or dirty. So I wouldn't say he is neglected.  

[Alia]

10 minutes ago, dogwater said:

The thing you actually have control over you won't do.  

 

 

I don't understand. 

[Jane_Doe]

20 minutes ago, Alia said:

I agree but I need to hope that it will. 

@Alia, if being home with your son is important to you, or having your husband be a good husband/father, then you can't just hope for things to get better.  You got to be strong.  And if that means doing something like putting your foot down about a budget, then that's what you got to do.  

[Alia]

On 11/22/2018 at 3:36 AM, Just_A_Guy said:

I fear you may have misapprehended me.  I’m not saying you *should* divorce him.  But I am saying that if the two of you do divorce (and you just acknowledged that you do think *he* may leave *you* if you don’t give him what he wants)—as you well know, what we want isn’t necessarily what the court will order; and you aren’t going to be doing much parenting at all if the court grants him sole custody and orders you to pay child support in addition to $2 or $3K per month in alimony for the next five years. 

 

Obviously, I hope he doesn't leave me because I love him. However, if he did I know I would end up with custody of our son. Whilst, I would find it irritating to have to financially support him I would feel uncomfortable if I wasn't helping him out. 

[Alia]

14 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

@Alia, if being home with your son is important to you, or having your husband be a good husband/father, then you can't just hope for things to get better.  You got to be strong.  And if that means doing something like putting your foot down about a budget, then that's what you got to do.  

I know but all day at work I help clients settle financial disputes, I just don't want to be going home and doing that with my husband. I know that my husband needs some kind of tough love but I don't want to bring money in to it. Forcing my husband to do something by using money seems dirty to me. 

[Jane_Doe]

5 minutes ago, Alia said:

I know but all day at work I help clients settle financial disputes, I just don't want to be going home and doing that with my husband. I know that my husband needs some kind of tough love but I don't want to bring money in to it. Forcing my husband to do something by using money seems dirty to me. 

Know one wants to talk money, but sometimes we got to have stern conversations about it.  Else things go crazy and there's horrible consequences for everyone  involved.  

And you can't force your husband to give up his gaming addiction.  He's the only one who can change himself.  But you can say "we each have X amount of money for fun and that's all we can afford", and stick to your guns there.  That's not being dirty: that's being responsible.  And if you husband wants a bigger budget so he can play more, then he needs to finance it himself. Don't let him manipulate the situation to an unresponsible solution.  

[Alia]

2 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

Know one wants to talk money, but sometimes we got to have stern conversations about it.  Else things go crazy and there's horrible consequences for everyone  involved.  

And you can't force your husband to give up his gaming addiction.  He's the only one who can change himself.  But you can say "we each have X amount of money for fun and that's all we can afford", and stick to your guns there.  That's not being dirty: that's being responsible.  And if you husband wants a bigger budget so he can play more, then he needs to finance it himself. Don't let him manipulate the situation to an unresponsible solution.  

My husband would feel like I am manipulating him with money. He did leave me once before a few weeks before our sone was born, because I didn't give him as much money as I usually did because I spent it on things we needed for our son. He went to stay with his parents for a week and it wasn't until I apologised to him for spending the money I had earned on things for our son instead of giving it to him that he came home. I just think if I do that again he will leave and I will have to go apologise to him.  

[Jane_Doe]

Just now, Alia said:

My husband would feel like I am manipulating him with money. 

But are you ACTUALLY manipulating?  Or does he just feel that way?

Just now, Alia said:

He did leave me once before a few weeks before our sone was born, because I didn't give him as much money as I usually did because I spent it on things we needed for our son. He went to stay with his parents for a week and it wasn't until I apologised to him for spending the money I had earned on things for our son instead of giving it to him that he came home. I just think if I do that again he will leave and I will have to go apologise to him.  

THAT IS 100% BLATANT MANIPULATION.  "Give me what I want or I'll leave!"

The fact that you caved to it and are terrified that he'll do it again.. honestly, this is starting to sound abusive (in addition to the fact that he's an addict). 

[Just_A_Guy]

Dunno if I’d call it “abusive”; but it sounds like textbook gaslighting.

Edited November 25, 2018 by Just_A_Guy

[Alia]

5 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

But are you ACTUALLY manipulating?  Or does he just feel that way?

10 minutes ago, Alia said:

I'm not sure, I do feel a bit uneasy about making a budget and telling my husband to stick to it. I wouldn't appreciate him doing that to me if it were the other way around.

 

6 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

THAT IS 100% BLATANT MANIPULATION.  "Give me what I want or I'll leave!"

 The fact that you caved to it and are terrified that he'll do it again.. honestly, this is starting to sound abusive (in addition to the fact that he's an addict). 

I think he just wanted to make a point by leaving. He may have felt undervalued by me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that it was about more than the money. He isn't abusive but I do know that he resents me and sometimes the way he is towards me seems abusive. 

[Just_A_Guy]

Could his military service have left him with PTSD?

[Jane_Doe]

7 minutes ago, Alia said:

I'm not sure, I do feel a bit uneasy about making a budget and telling my husband to stick to it. I wouldn't appreciate him doing that to me if it were the other way around.

 

I think he just wanted to make a point by leaving. He may have felt undervalued by me. I gave him the benefit of the doubt that it was about more than the money. He isn't abusive but I do know that he resents me and sometimes the way he is towards me seems abusive. 

At bare minimum he is gas lighting you and using you to finance his addiction.  At bare minimum.

Have you gone to counseling to learn about healthy relationships and how to establish healthy communication channel, and good boundaries?  (Boundaries include financial stuff).  They can help you learn how to properly work out a budget wherein both partner's needs are being met (needs include time off). 

Edited November 25, 2018 by Jane_Doe

[Alia]

7 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Could his military service have left him with PTSD?

He doesn't have PTSD he was keen on rein-listing about 15 months ago. 

[Alia]

7 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

 At bare minimum he is gas lighting you and using you to finance his addiction.  At bare minimum.

Have you gone to counseling to learn about healthy relationships and how to establish healthy communication channel, and good boundaries?  (Boundaries include financial stuff).

I don't know what is going on in my husband's head right now but I know he still loves me, so I doubt he is gas lighting me. 

We have never been to counselling. 

[Jane_Doe]

1 minute ago, Alia said:

I don't know what is going on in my husband's head right now but I know he still loves me, so I doubt he is gas lighting me. 

We have never been to counselling. 

I would HIGHLY recommend counseling.  I myself benefitted it in my relationship. 

[boxer]

2 hours ago, Alia said:

My husband knows that I won't follow through on it. That is the only problem. I am hoping things will naturally change when our son starts going to Nursery. 

Unfortunately, whether you want to admit it or not your husband is an adult child.  He is a child in his maturity but an adult in his body.  We all have childish parts that we keep for longer than we should, but that is the process of becoming an adult.

1 Corithians 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Clearly your husband has not put away childish things and therefore is not a man-based upon scripture.  The problem you have is in not being willing to face the truth. You will learn this as you grow older and as your child grows, but the most surefire way to help a child to "grow-up" is to not hold their hand.  You help a child grow-up by allowing them the ability to fall flat on their face-you give them enough rope to hang themselves with.  After they've hung themselves, they come back to you and (hopefully if they've learned the lesson) say . . wow that was really dumb what I did.

The only way your husband is going to grow-up is for you to stop enabling him; yet you don't want to stop enabling him b/c you "hope" things will naturally change.  Hope is not a strategy.  Good luck to you b/c you are going to need it-plenty of wise people here have given you good advice and strategies for you to implement, but you discard them and all you seem to want is someone to tell you "it's gonna be alright?".

Okay, I'll say this, it all works out in the end.  Of course the pain you have to go through to get to the end is in a large measure dependent on you.  Good luck!

[Tyme]

58 minutes ago, Alia said:

He doesn't have PTSD he was keen on rein-listing about 15 months ago. 

He should at least go to a psychiatrist to make sure he doesn't have PTSD. It could mean upwards of $3,500 a month.

Edited November 26, 2018 by Tyme

[Alia]

10 minutes ago, Tyme said:

He should at least go to a psychiatrist to make sure he doesn't have PTSD. It could mean upwards of $3,500 a month.

I am not 100% sure but I think he was evaluated before being discharged. 

[JohnsonJones]

1 hour ago, Alia said:

He doesn't have PTSD he was keen on rein-listing about 15 months ago. 

That may be true, but that does not mean he dose not have PTSD.

If he had PTSD he would be keen to NOT let it be diagnosed or even known if he ever wished to rein-list again.  A weird aspect of the military is that they may be behind the causes of SOME of the PTSD in their ranks, but there is a distinct bias against those who are afflicted with it.

I AM NOT a Psychologist, Psychiatrist, Sociologist, Counselor, Social Worker or anything of that sort.  From what you've stated, however, it sounds very plausible that he may actually have some symptoms that reflect that it is POSSIBLE that he could have PTSD.

[Tyme]

29 minutes ago, Alia said:

I am not 100% sure but I think he was evaluated before being discharged. 

He could easily get diagnosed with PTSD if he is a combat vet.

[Alia]

13 minutes ago, Tyme said:

He could easily get diagnosed with PTSD if he is a combat vet.

3 years after being discharged ? 

[Tyme]

31 minutes ago, Alia said:

3 years after being discharged ? 

Absolutely. I didn't get partial VA benefits until about a decade after I discharged.

[anatess2]

On 11/21/2018 at 5:38 PM, Alia said:

My son has me as his mother 

You're not home.

[Alia]

36 minutes ago, anatess2 said:

You're not home.

Whether  I am home with him or not doesn't matter, I am still his mother and I am only a call away from him.