Missionary Girlfriends

[Guest karlita007]

Hi ladies! My boyfriend is serving a mission in Moscow, Russia. He loves it out there and I love hearing from him every week. It's been tough, but nine months down already!

I just wanted to know if there are any other young ladies in my position. My signature is the website that I run for girlfriends of missionaries. I'd like to invite everyone to take a look and let me know what you think!

[PinkPanther]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought you weren't supposed to officially wait for a missionary. (because it distracts them from their Mission if they are thinking about the girl they left behind all the time.)I wouldn't know though, I married a guy I met while he was serving a mission in my home ward... goodluck

[NeuroTypical]

  Quote

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought you weren't supposed to officially wait for a missionary.

I don't think there are any official guidelines. Just common sense based on tens of thousands of experiences, that 95% of girls waiting, don't stay waiting the entire mission. And 4.9% of those who do wait, discover that one or both of them have changed, and there's no point any more.

But hey - it looks like Karlita is looking to be that lucky .1% - and I say more power to both of them! Good luck!

LM

[Guest karlita007]

The thing is, there are not a lot of official guidelines for missionary girlfriends. A lot of people think they know the rule, when in reality that rule doesn't really exist--it's just something people have said.

I find that instead of being a distraction, we can be one of their most solid supports. Especially in how we conduct ourselves in church, with his family, and in our letters and packages.

It's true that the statistics for missionaries marrying the girl are dismal, but that doesn't mean missionary relationships don't exist, or that they are a waste of time. I think it means we should look beyond the numbers and ask why it is that so many girls give up. My theory is because we feel so hopeless and alone, and because we don't get a lot of support. That's why I created the site, to help combat the failure rates and give girls a sense that they aren't crazy or totally alone.

I could go on for hours, but I'll just let those who are curious read the articles on the site. ;P

Anyways, I thank you all for your opinions, they are definitely something to think about. You guys are all awesome!

[flickita]

My boyfriend just got his call...he leaves in January!

And actually, he'll be serving in Russia too, but in the Yekaterinburg mission. Your site looks really awesome, I will definitely read more on it soon.

Has it been hard so far? I'm nervous about having to just keep in contact through letters! Since you know about having a missionary gone in Russia specifically...do you have any tips or advice about sending mail or packages there, or what kind of things he might start to miss being away from home?

It's cool to see I'm not the only one

[cjcampbell]

  Quote

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought you weren't supposed to officially wait for a missionary. (because it distracts them from their Mission if they are thinking about the girl they left behind all the time.)I wouldn't know though, I married a guy I met while he was serving a mission in my home ward... goodluck

Speaking of guidelines... :) Mission Presidents tell missionaries all the time that they will not meet their eternal companion in the mission field.

So, seriously: 38 years ago my mission president, Paul H. Dunn, told me that I would lose either my girlfriend or my hair while on my mission. He went off chuckling to himself. I really hate being bald, but we have been married for nearly 36 years now.

[Kollow]

I had a girlfriend when I left for my mission, she wasn't LDS. I saw where things were headed and I sent a Dear Jane, she wasn't happy. In fact her response said more about who she was than two years of dating.

[The Nehor]

I think the best decision is to release each other from all obligations to each other for the two years. Then see how you stand when you get home. By all means, you should write them.

Being in a Singles ward for a long time and having served a Mission I've seen a lot of heartbreak. Missionaries crushed when despite vows of fidelity their girl back home 'cheats' on them. Girls bitter when they waited for two years and the Missionary comes home and has changed and has lost interest.

[katielouise87]

I think the most important thing to remember when it comes to 'waiting for a missionary', is to not take everyone elses advice. I'm not by any means saying ignor all counsel given, but I am saying that in my opinion it's between the couple themselves. No friends, parents or leaders can know the relationship the way the 2 people in it do and at the end of the day-all relationships are different.

I can appreciate that in most cases it doesnt work out when a girls waited, but in my opinion I'd rather give it a go and be wrong than not give it a go and let someone else be right without me and him having tried!!!

I have been waiting for my guy for almost 16 months now and we write and email weekly. I know that I've never been a distraction to him, but instead he has thanked me on so many occasions for supporting him and helping him serve a mission. Of course we miss eachother a lot, but we're making it work. I know we'll have both changed a lot by the time he gets home, but we are very open and honest with one another and I feel that I've gotten to know him better in the past 16 months through letters than in the 2 years we dated before he left.

I haven't dated anyone else... Of course there have been times that I've wanted attention more than anything, but I know that by waiting for my best friend I cant go too wrong!

[Starfish]

  karlita007 said:

Hi ladies! My boyfriend is serving a mission in Moscow, Russia. He loves it out there and I love hearing from him every week. It's been tough, but nine months down already!

I just wanted to know if there are any other young ladies in my position. My signature is the website that I run for girlfriends of missionaries. I'd like to invite everyone to take a look and let me know what you think!

Been there! Just so you know, some of us made it. I married my missionary about 6 months after he got home. (That was 32 years ago.:)) His mission was a great blessing to us all these years. Sooooooo worth it!!!!

Count Fast Sundays. You know how OFTEN they come around. If your elder has been out 9 months, then you have only 15 Fast Sundays left!

[skippy740]

My girlfriend waited for me and we married soon after my mission was completed.

Yes, my mission president ALSO said that she wouldn't wait for me. Yes, he wanted me to focus... but if you knew me, you'd know that I was already focused.

For all missionaries, I'll quote "Best Two Years": Your girlfriend won't wait for you. Your wife will.

In your letters, share testimony and church stories. Your missionary should be writing about his experiences, NOT how much he misses you. That's okay for a signature close, but not for an entire letter. He should write about what he's learning, his companions, his triumphs and struggles. Keep your letters talking about his mission and you'll grow together while you're apart.

If they're more "lovey-dovey" then they'll quickly get boring and you will probably move on to someone else... who is more interesting!

[pam]

My sister met her husband on her mission. They were both missionaries. He was her Zone leader and eventually became an assistant to the President.

They both came home. Kept in touch as they did with many of their former companions etc that were from the same area.

They realized during some of their get togethers that they REALLY REALLY liked each other.

Well they just celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary and have 3 awesome kids.

[Hheinze]

That's great!I'm so happy for you...I'm going through some tough times waiting for my missionary and I didn't expect it being as hard as it's been just this past week.

Anyways,my missionary is going to Samara, Russia and we have a mutual friend serving his mission in Moscow: Elder Larsen from Danville, CA.

Ask your missionary about him for me!!!Hopefully they have met!

Best Wishes,

Heike.

[Generally_Me]

Heike,

The OP posted in october of 2007; her missionary should be home by now.

[Amuller09]

Hi, Well I have heard all the statistics and pay attention to what many people say. What my heart says is a whole different story.

I know i will be able to wait, the one thing i am concerned about is the changing of personalities.

I have known my boyfriend since we were sophomores in high school. (we dated for about a month when we were sophomores and started up again when we were seniors) Of course he changed somewhat during that period of time, but so did I. He was Mormon, I was not. But now (since we have started dating again) I am so different. I feel like our relationship is so strong because of this fact. And when i say different i mean in a good way.

There is also the saying that everyone changes in college. This is true, but me and my boyfriend have been together since high school and a year an a half in college. I feel like we have changed but we changed together. He leaves in a couple months.

Does anyone have any advice for me? encouragement or even reality

[annamaureen]

  LoudmouthMormon said:

95% of girls waiting, don't stay waiting the entire mission.

Reminds me of my friend... the week her boyfriend left for the MTC she was a sobbing wreck. Four months later she was ring shopping! Everyone I know who planned on waiting for a missionary ended up getting engaged to someone else. Two years is a long time, especially when you're young.

However, that's just my experience! Good luck to the original poster.

[Melissa569]

  cjcampbell said:

Speaking of guidelines... :) Mission Presidents tell missionaries all the time that they will not meet their eternal companion in the mission field.

So, seriously: 38 years ago my mission president, Paul H. Dunn, told me that I would lose either my girlfriend or my hair while on my mission. He went off chuckling to himself. I really hate being bald, but we have been married for nearly 36 years now.

Honestly, I think that just sounds like something to help keep them from getting interested in anyone on their mission, or getting distracted, rather than being actual truth :) (saying this repsectfully, of course).

I also notice that those young men who choose not to go on a mission often get ridiculed. And I do have an opinion about this...

I think missionary work is very noble and honorable, but I'm not sure how I feel about the pressure for ALL young men to do it... Regularly attending church, leading a good life, and studying scripture is one thing. But being a young man and going 2 whole years without being able to acknowledge your need for the oposite gender, and devoting most of your time to serious missionary work... That's not really something every person can do. And by pressuring all young men to do it regardless of who they are inside, I really think you lower the calliber of those out on the field (no offense). Because you will have individuals with their own personal ideals and attitudes about various subjects (particularly the oposite gender), who are being trusted to represent our faith to the rest of the world. And because they are individuals with varying feelings / opinions and degrees of devotion, they may not all follow the rules completely. Especially when the women they are dealing with out there do not share our church's ideals.

Edited February 3, 2010 by Melissa569

[Melissa569]

  annamaureen said:

Reminds me of my friend... the week her boyfriend left for the MTC she was a sobbing wreck. Four months later she was ring shopping! Everyone I know who planned on waiting for a missionary ended up getting engaged to someone else. Two years is a long time, especially when you're young.

However, that's just my experience! Good luck to the original poster.

Yeah, two years is a pretty long time to wait for a guy, in the prime of your youth and beauty. Especially when, being young, its really hard to tell if you want to spend your whole life with someone (particularly after not getting to spend any time with him for two years). Not to mention the fact that when he gets home, he's going to have every single young woman in the local wards wanting to date him.

Honestly, if I had a daughter who was 18-21 years of age, I would encourage her to only date RM's, so she wouldn't have to worry about any of that drama (and neither would the young men on missions).

[ndcfromak]

I just sent a missionary off about two weeks ago, and although we both were so excited for that day, it was so, so hard. I was a big mess. A bigger mess than I thought I would be. I couldn't look at him after his setting apart, because I knew I would lose it! So I just shook his hand, and tried to keep it brief to follow the rules and keep myself from going crazy. I couldn't talk afterwards. His bishop came up to me and one of his counselors came up to me too... but I really was on the brink of tears. After that, my elder and his family got into his car, and I got into mine. And there I cried. A lot. I had tried very hard before to really feel completely good about his leaving, but it was hard because... well, like most of you, he's my best friend. So I got myself together again (at least temporarily on the surface!) and went back into the chapel. I knew that I needed to understand something I wasn't understanding about the love of the Savior. I really needed the atonement, and I needed to understand it better so that I could receive all the love the Savior was just waiting to give to me!

There was a class in the same chapel that my elder had his setting apart. It's called the Addiction Recovery Program. As a side note, in my opinion, I think everyone should look into it. You learn so much about the Atonement and your potential, and... oh, it's just so good to be there. Some people go because they have large addictions, other people go because they have minor irritating habits they just want to conquer. I never did pinpoint something that I wanted to conquer while attending, but I went to those meetings often, and plan to continue on going. Even though I couldn't think, and continue to have difficulty finding some kind of addiction I have, I am not perfect. You just learn so much about your Heavenly Father, the Atonement, and listening to the Spirit. Really, the class is just on the power of the Atonement and your relationship to the Godhead, so... if you need the atonement (which we all do) you should come! At the very least, read through the manual. There is some beautiful scripture in it.

But I digress. So I went to this meeting, and there is a sharing portion after they read something in the manual. I had missed the reading, so I went in during the sharing portion. I was the last one, and when the person conducting the meeting asked, "Do you have anything to share? How are you?" I totally lost it! Wet face, heaving breaths, the whole nine yards! I was so embarrassed I was so emotional over something I should have been taking joy in!

After they figured out I was sending someone off, I received lots of hugs and the instructor recapped the lesson. The lesson was on trusting in God. That's really all I can remember after that. I know the instructor shared something in Proverbs, but I have no idea what he was talking about. All I could think about was the message: Trust in the Lord. He loves you. He knows what's best.

We concluded with a prayer and I received more hugs. I got into my car and I knew I needed to pray. The temple was right across the chapel we were at, and it was unfortunately closed at this point, but I just parked in front of it for a while and I prayed aloud. I kept saying, "I trust you, Lord. I trust you. I trust you." Then I continued to say that through a prayer of gratefulness-- I said all of the good things about this mission I could think of to Heavenly Father aloud, in my car, through sobs. And then I asked for help to accept the blessing that my best friend, someone I love so much, and desire to love eternally is going on a mission for the Lord, and it's be best and greatest thing he can be doing right now. And having joy in this and trying to continue to grow closer to my Savior is the best thing I can be doing right now. Whenever fear struck me, I said aloud, "I trust you." The fear which I had held onto was beginning to release. It no longer was controlling me. I was releasing it through the Atonement. And then I found such complete peace.

And since that time, although I do miss my missionary so so much; although I think about him all the time, I cannot bring myself to feel terrible about his leaving. I cannot bring myself to feel that this is such a struggle. The Lord has filled me with peace. He has filled me with it. I do take such joy in this, more complete than I can explain, because I talked through it with my Heavenly Father.

So ladies. I don't mean to be over-the-top with this at all. But I, like the girl who started this blog and everyone else who has given positive advice here, wants you to know that there is so much to smile about. Sending a missionary away is difficult, but it's not like we are walking in darkness and we have to wait two years until we see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is light in our lives now, and the Savior wants so badly for us to see it, and stretch our arms out and soak it in! I have such little experience in waiting for a missionary, but I know that the Lord can provide what we need if we come to him humbly, willing to embrace the eternal happiness he freely gives.

PS~ I really can't help myself from sharing the good news that is in the Addiction Recovery Manual, so I've attached the link if you want to look at it (... which, just to be completely clear if I wasn't before, I REALLY would suggest it)!

Addiction Recovery Program

[Truegrits]

Where is it written that the girl has to wait for her missionary to return? Go on a mission yourself. Not only would you be in the service of your Lord and your church, but the time would go quicker, serving, rather than pining away. That just seems like a win/win to me...

[darrel]

If you are too young to go on a FT mission then be the greatest member missionary ever. You can then share your missionary experiences and grow spiritually together.

[Nikkie85]

Be young and date around! I dated the same guy from the time I was 17 until I was 21 and we didn't get married and I really wasted time that could of been dating and hanging out with friends. When he comes back see where you stand.

[PrinceofLight2000]

  Nikkie85 said:

Be young and date around! I dated the same guy from the time I was 17 until I was 21 and we didn't get married and I really wasted time that could of been dating and hanging out with friends. When he comes back see where you stand.

You do realize that some people function better in a committed, long-term relationship, right? Dating 764685365365 people isn't the best thing for some of us.

I don't feel that a long-term relationship is a waste of time. They might hurt when they end (something I've emotionally prepared myself for), but I've certainly done more learning and growing thanks to those (and also by comparing my relationships to other situations) than I would have if I decided to date a different girl every week.

Also, it's pretty sad that people think friend time is impossible to have when you're going steady.

Edited September 13, 2010 by PrinceofLight2000

[Guest mormonmusic]

  karlita007 said:

Hi ladies! My boyfriend is serving a mission in Moscow, Russia. He loves it out there and I love hearing from him every week. It's been tough, but nine months down already!

I just wanted to know if there are any other young ladies in my position. My signature is the website that I run for girlfriends of missionaries. I'd like to invite everyone to take a look and let me know what you think!

My girlfriend waited for me my entire mission. My advice? Write to him regularly, be interested in what he's doing. Send him gifts at special times of year, and be thoughtful. Don't phone him. Let him know what's going on with people he knows at home, but don't write about things that will make him homesick or lack focus -- like how his friends are going racing or shooting or some activity he can't do on his mission.

Be spiritual, and don't criticize him if he writes really spiritual stuff. My girlfriend was great in most of these respects, although she did criticize my letters as sounding like Jimmy Swaggart at one point, which I found a bit offensive given the fact that I believed everything I wrote -- it's hard not to sound like a minister when you are one....recognize that he's getting the gospel in heavy doses from all kinds of meetings and experiences, and let him have this two years of spiritual immersion.

Also, when he gets home GIVE HIM SPACE for a while. My girlfriend wanted marriage almost immediately and I felt this terrible pressure. I think that was part of the reason it didn't happen for us.

Ultimately we didn't get married and it really hurt her badly. It was hard on myself as well. So, you have to decide what your expectations will be when he comes home. I found that I had changed in some respects. It was easy to date her, but when it came time to make a marriage decision, the relationship wasn't a go. Be open to that.

[Melissa569]

  PrinceofLight2000 said:

You do realize that some people function better in a committed, long-term relationship, right? Dating 764685365365 people isn't the best thing for some of us.

I don't feel that a long-term relationship is a waste of time. They might hurt when they end (something I've emotionally prepared myself for), but I've certainly done more learning and growing thanks to those (and also by comparing my relationships to other situations) than I would have if I decided to date a different girl every week.

Also, it's pretty sad that people think friend time is impossible to have when you're going steady.

Hmmmmmm, actually I suppose you're right. Although some young people might see being in a relationship as "smothering", others might be able to relax more and focus on other things, because they know they have "a sure thing" waiting for them.

So in light of that, I guess weather or not you wait for a missionary, depends on weather or not having a sure thing reserved back home will help them concentrate or not.