Infidelity Please Read Long!!!

[momoftwobabies]

I'm typing this really fast cause there is so much... so sorry for the confusion if any. We have always had a great relationship. We were the "ideal" couple people thought. Been happily married for 5 years until my Husband started working long hours this fall. It showed in his pay check. He started acting differently around than. More and more distant. He traveled also for work occationally. Starting in January of this year it started to get worse. I was in my thrid trimester or pregnancy, my husband showed no interest in me emotionally or physically. He would rarely talk to me even when he got home and would be easily frustrated with our rambuncious 2 year old. Didn't want to go to church anymore etc. I found a email to someone (which I will post) that was a little much. I also found a few links to porn he sent himself. So I started keeping my eye out and found a number with no name in his wallet. A few weeks before I hate that same number on our cell that called and I missed it. OUt of impulse I called the number anda girl answered "Hey". I asked who it was and they said "oh I work with your husband." I asked her name and hung up I asked him about it and he said it was a girl from work. They were just friends. I asked him more questions like about the porn links etc and he said he was "a bad guy" I told him to stop it and I found out more about his past I didn't know. He had been with more girls than I thought etc. I told him it was okay and it was his past and I had a small past he didn't know about and it seemed to make us closer after talking about it. So he started to show alittle more interest in me the next few weeks but I will kep my eye out. Anyways, he started eatin gout more when he would always take his lunch to work. He is a cheap skate and so I was suprised he would buy lunch. I took his car to my doctor appt and found a long piece of black hair attached to his passanger car head rest. I asked him about it and he said I don't know..... and I second guessed myself saying that it was attached to me or my purse form the hospital... but I will wondered. He would get up for work extra early during these few weeks and wouldn't get home until 6ishPM. For months he would also erase his browsing history etc,. I decided to do a free download of a spy ware to see what he was looking. He was on the internet while I was putting my son down and the next morning I found what he was looking at. First.... some porn., Second, he had made himself a new email address I never ever knew about. I found the password and logged in. There was a myspace page he had made up and messages from someone in his inbox and trash. So I went to myspace and figured out his pass word. They were both the same..... this girls name he was tlaking too. It was a co worker., They emailed these messages back and forth.... granted this is 5 days before I had our second child.

Emails I found from him to her

Feb 28, 2008 8:18PM

So ~A~, your right, is was a long email but that’s okay. As I believe I have stated before I like reading your thoughts. It gives me more and more of an insight into who you are as a person. So are you ever going to post your blog? Am I ever going to get a chance to read it? Even if you decide not to post it I would like to at least read it. I hate to do it here but I have to go back to work for just a minute. I will give props where props are due and you got me good with the 5$. I don’t think I would have ever looked there for months, literally. But since I got…..

March 2, 2008 night time

A,

First off I apologize for her calling. What had happened was that when I had gone to England with Martin I had kept your number on a sticky note incase I had any questions for you while I was over there. I never took it out and she went through my wallet to look for something, found it, and decided to call. It’s not a big deal. I feel bad for having put you on the spot, I apologize for that. We’ll talk—

March 11, 2008 7:54PM

A,

Hey, this is the big stocky guy from work, remember me? Thanks for the birthday kiss message…. Although I prefer the one in the elevator. Those are always nice. Hmmmmmm…….. So tomorrow, for lunch I may not be able to make it back to work in time. I have to watch Hunter from 9 to 1030 so I’m, not sure if I’ll be able to make it back in time. We’ll see. I don’t plan on working more than 8 hours tomorrow so I’m probably going to leave again around 3. What time you coming into work? You got plans after wards? I was thinking that I noticed something that needed to be fixed in the back of your car…. I think I need to go back there and check it out. But I think I will need you back there to help me out…. Get where I’m going with this???? Yea so maybe next time we are out for drinks we may need to find a new place that would have better drinks than Azteca. Seems as though we are not getting the best drinks over there. Who knows. IN any case I hope you are doing well. Talk to you tomorrow.

TJ

March 14, 2008 7:38PM

Hey you,

This is a reminder for you to leave your phone on… that is is you want to get a call in the morning for breakfast, or a wakeup visit. I guess as usual, let me know if you don’t want me to stop by cause your too tired or whatever. I’ll try and check this in the morning to see if you’ve responded or not. I always enjoy seeing you, at any time of the day. I have to say though; you look great dressed up like today or even in the early hours of the morning. Your lucky. Well I appreciate you working as hard as you do on my work. I can honestly say you are the best drafter we got in our group by far. I know that a big reason why I am getting my stuff out in time is cause of you… well, I’ll hopefully see you tomorrow……

Good night… smooch

TJ

HER RESPONSE

TJ,

Phone is on… going to bed…. Smooches!

~A~

I confronted him about it.... we cried, he said they only kissed afew times, he said he stopped it before if went too far. He picked her up a few times for lunch and breakfast wehn he told me he was working on weekends. I would beg him to stay home being so pregnant and having a two year old to take care of. He wouldn't. I don't know if that was all that happened. I eman, through these emails it seemed like more has happened. Lately he is doing everything I say.... home when I say. He has been pleasent. But our relationship is so strained by it. We have nothing to say to eachother but superficial things. I don't bring up the infidelity anymore (happened a few weeks ago) cause he just closes down and says I'm sorry I screwed up. This was a co worker and they still work together. I am going to a marriage councelor tomorrow. she wanted to see me first. How do you go on with his. I mean, he will eventually go to the bishop I am sure but wehn he is ready. I mean, there is much more to the story but I'm just wondering from what I dol you what you all think....

MOMOFTWOBABIES

[Shell72]

Having been in your shoes - I can say my heart hurts for you.

The most important thing for you to understand and accept in this situation is that no matter what happened, when the whole truth comes out ( and it will ) that none of this was becasue of any shortcomings you have - but the opposite. This has nothing to do with your appearance, your personality, your intelligence nothing - so please keep those thoughts out of your mind. What he did was hurtful, selfish, and intentional (common sense dictates that when you engage in behavior that you would not do in front of your wife, it would hurt her). He chose his actions, and now putting your family back together is his responsibility.

My advice is pray, pray and pray some more. Infidelity is not a light misdemeanor - it is one of only two reasons the Bible says you can get divorced. It is serious business and he has brought serious issues to your marriage. Pray for peace, guidance and the ability to keep your children from the pain this causes.

I would suggest he get another job if he wants your marriage to work.. it is not fair to you that he and she continue to work together.

I am so sorry you are going through this .. especially at such a beautiful time in your life..

[newlight]

read my thread...it may or may not help...all i can say is that He is the one knows if he has really decided to change...and if he does his change it will be noticeable, constant..in every aspect of the word change...he will treat you and love you like what you are..his eternal partner.

if he says he going to change..regardless of him crying with you but doesn't prove to you that he is repentant of what happened then in his heart he only is changing because you caught him...

He needs to seek counsel from the bishop..if he doesn't go (on his own) its because there is something that he's scared of telling the bishop and of the consequences....

Therapy is good also.

[StrawberryFields]

Shell72 said it beautifully.

[Hemidakota]

My first question, have you approach your Bishop?

[momoftwobabies]

Not yet.... I just found out recently and I have been wanting too..... I have two kids and no time. I need to make time though. I am concerned though because if I go, I don't want my husband to feel "pressured" in going too when he's not ready. I want him to go for him and us, not just for me. Know what I mean? How do I know he is ready to repent and take care of it. I mean, he it trying I know, but someone posted earlier, is he just guilty and feels bad because he has been caught or is he truely sorry? My trust in him has been lost. I don't know what to beleive anymore. But yes again, I personally do need to go. Get some guidence. I'm so down and lost right now.

[Hemidakota]

You can make an appointment by yourself with the Bishop. When you are in his office, ask that a prayer be given prior to any advice. Allow the spirit to come into that room for appropriate council. Now, the hard part is to allow Heavenly Father will to be enforce there after.

I trust also, that you are already making those sincere prayers with your Heavenly Father. However, make it constant silent ones throughout the day. Ask for comfort and peaceful feelings. Knowing the hurt and pain you may be suffering but your energy is already taxed with household commitments and children who need your full love and support.

We are here to support you and do commend you on your willingness and love to do the right.

[momoftwobabies]

Found out today that he did commit adultry with her........ once and he stopped it before "they finished" Right.... oh yeah, and he has had a porn addiction I didn't know about.

[Palerider]

Found out today that he did commit adultry with her........ once and he stopped it before "they finished" Right.... oh yeah, and he has had a porn addiction I didn't know about.

as was suggested....you can make an appt to see your Bishop and if your husband will see him with you then ask for your Bishop to come to your home and speak with him there if its hard for you both to get away due to your kids.

[jadams_4040]

Not yet.... I just found out recently and I have been wanting too..... I have two kids and no time. I need to make time though. I am concerned though because if I go, I don't want my husband to feel "pressured" in going too when he's not ready. I want him to go for him and us, not just for me. Know what I mean? How do I know he is ready to repent and take care of it. I mean, he it trying I know, but someone posted earlier, is he just guilty and feels bad because he has been caught or is he truely sorry? My trust in him has been lost. I don't know what to beleive anymore. But yes again, I personally do need to go. Get some guidence. I'm so down and lost right now.

Its not good to worry about his "pressure", its time for him to either step up and be the father and husband he should be or forget it, the bishop can definately help you both wheather anybody feels pressured or not is not the issue, there are more important issues than something as trivial as that.

[Hemidakota]

Found out today that he did commit adultry with her........ once and he stopped it before "they finished" Right.... oh yeah, and he has had a porn addiction I didn't know about.

Did he tell you out right? What is your course on this issue?

[momoftwobabies]

No I had to lie to him to find out. i told him I talk to the other woman adn she told me everything i wanted to hear the stroy from him. Than I got it. But still I don't know if it was all........ becasue than I told him I lied to get the info from him before i had all the info I think. I emailed my bishop last night to contact me asap. I shouldn't have waited these few weeks to talk but now he knows to contact me.

[Hemidakota]

At this time, I pray that you would be the loving sister you are, after being let down by your companion and feeling betrayed and hurting [pain and emtions] within. You will need all the peace and love you can muster for your chidren and your sanity.

When you finally meet your bishop. Ask him, upon both knees together to invoke the spirit prior to your opening up unto him. This way, the spirit can fill the room and the will of the FATHER can be mustered through the Bishop on the correct course of action.

Keep us inform and I will be praying for you and your bishop. Godbless.

[momoftwobabies]

I met with the bishop. He contacted me immediatly. He was wondeful and gave me a blessing of strength, peace and patience during this time. I felt a burden lifted. He said he ran into my Husband a week before and went to shake his hand and could tell something was wrong...... yesterday my Husband broke down... sobbing and told me he needed help. I still want to beleive him. Half of me does but the other half says he just feels guilty he was caught and I know. I have to learn to tryst again. I hope I have the strength to do it. The bishop gave me some wonderful advise.

[StrawberryFields]

I am happy that you were able to talk to your bishop and you feel he gave you good advice.

[Misshalfway]

Well, I am so profoundly sorry that you are finding yourself in this kind of circumstance. It sounds like to me that your H is really living a double life. He has mastered the lying and deception. He has learned how to get his selfish needs met. I suppose now he has sown his wild oats and now he may have to reap the whirlwind.

I am glad that you have a supportive and responsive bishop. That is a tremendous boon. I hope more than anything that you can take steps to protect yourself from this kind of treatment. I don't know what kind of headspace your husband is in.....is he ready to get honest--completely honest about his activities? If it were me, I would need full disclosure and some real and sincere contrition before I would consider reconciliation. But....that is just me. It seems like to me that you are only starting to find out the nature and extent to his activities. It is difficult to trust someone who will only fess up when he is cornered. I hope that he will become ready to clean up his life and alter his course drastically. If he does have a porn problem....and if that is the origin of his extra-maritial activities....you may need to seek some outside professional help to bring about the needed change.

I am glad you are feeling peace and the support from the Lord. Keep us posted. Sounds like to me that you are doing all the right things. You are a strong one!! It is easy to see and feel your humility and strength.

[JulesDPH]

There is always more to the story.... I know from experience. Very few will just dump the whole truth on you when they are first confronted. I would suggest definitely talking with your bishop, DON'T excuse his behavior or do the self-blame thing no matter what, (he needs to be accountable), PRAY A LOT FOR BOTH OF YOU!!!!!, and check out the survivinginfidelity website. It's helped me a lot. I am so sorry to see someone else in this position! Send me a PM if you need to!

Jules

[WillowTheWhisp]

I met with the bishop. He contacted me immediatly. He was wondeful and gave me a blessing of strength, peace and patience during this time. I felt a burden lifted. He said he ran into my Husband a week before and went to shake his hand and could tell something was wrong...... yesterday my Husband broke down... sobbing and told me he needed help. I still want to beleive him. Half of me does but the other half says he just feels guilty he was caught and I know. I have to learn to tryst again. I hope I have the strength to do it. The bishop gave me some wonderful advise.

I can tell by the tone of this post, compared to your first one, how much of a change has taken place for you following your blessing from the Bishop. It sounds like he is a very spiritual man too who had already discerned that something was wrong with your husband.

Perhaps as far as your husband is concerned it may just have started out with him feeling guilt that he was discovered, but where he goes from here is what counts. Maybe he thought he could have it all when you didn't know what was going on - but now he has seen what knowing the truth has done to your trust in him perhaps now he realises he can't have both and just how much he was in danger of losing. If you still mean as much to him as you did when he married you then there is hope.

I know I would find it very hard to trust again after being deceived and I would have niggling doubts about the future. I hope that you can work through it for your sake and for the sake of your children. Thank the Lord for such an understanding and wise Bishop who can help you through this. God bless you. I will pray for you.

[Hemidakota]

I met with the bishop. He contacted me immediatly. He was wondeful and gave me a blessing of strength, peace and patience during this time. I felt a burden lifted. He said he ran into my Husband a week before and went to shake his hand and could tell something was wrong...... yesterday my Husband broke down... sobbing and told me he needed help. I still want to beleive him. Half of me does but the other half says he just feels guilty he was caught and I know. I have to learn to tryst again. I hope I have the strength to do it. The bishop gave me some wonderful advise.

I am so happy to hear that. You are indeed a blessed sister.

[Hemidakota]

I met with the bishop. He contacted me immediatly. He was wondeful and gave me a blessing of strength, peace and patience during this time. I felt a burden lifted. He said he ran into my Husband a week before and went to shake his hand and could tell something was wrong...... yesterday my Husband broke down... sobbing and told me he needed help. I still want to beleive him. Half of me does but the other half says he just feels guilty he was caught and I know. I have to learn to tryst again. I hope I have the strength to do it. The bishop gave me some wonderful advise.

I am so happy to hear that. You are indeed a blessed sister. People really don't understand of 'lifting effect' unless one experiences it. It now rested on the Bishop's shoulder and the Savior.

[momoftwobabies]

SO the past few days my husband has been in a deep deep state of depression. He has had nightmares, shaking, etc. Its hard to see him go through this but I think he has to to fully go through the repentence process. It seems like I have another child to take care of now. He says he will go to a councelor and he ahs an appt this week and wants to schedule with the bichop next week. I miss my strong husband. All I see now is a weak man. WIll I ever see that strong man again????

[Hemidakota]

Buffets of Satan. He will have to pay...

I am sure that in the end, you will have that companion you once had in the beginning. For now, he needs to help back to the 'path'. Fast and pray on a continous basis to bring back the spirit into your home.

We are here for you.

[Misshalfway]

Remember those three days with Alma the Younger? I wonder if that is part of what is happening here. I hope it serves to change his heart. I hope you get you husband back..... but I hope he comes back to you whole and completely back to himself....the self God created. The choice is his.

It sounds like you are strong right now. That is impressive. God is so very good! Looks like He is supporting you both with exactly what you need. :)

[lilered]

Keep in mind that the repentance process is a process of love and yet justice must be served. Your husband progress will depend on how repentant he is and his willingness to accept his responsiblity. This will further manifest itself when he and the Bishop have a chance to talk.

[Traveler]

I confronted him about it.... we cried, he said they only kissed afew times, he said he stopped it before if went too far. He picked her up a few times for lunch and breakfast wehn he told me he was working on weekends. I would beg him to stay home being so pregnant and having a two year old to take care of. He wouldn't. I don't know if that was all that happened. I eman, through these emails it seemed like more has happened. Lately he is doing everything I say.... home when I say. He has been pleasent. But our relationship is so strained by it. We have nothing to say to eachother but superficial things. I don't bring up the infidelity anymore (happened a few weeks ago) cause he just closes down and says I'm sorry I screwed up. This was a co worker and they still work together. I am going to a marriage councelor tomorrow. she wanted to see me first. How do you go on with his. I mean, he will eventually go to the bishop I am sure but wehn he is ready. I mean, there is much more to the story but I'm just wondering from what I dol you what you all think....

MOMOFTWOBABIES

I read some of your post and a few responses. I feel very bad about what is happening. I am indeed sorry – however, you have asked for advice and there are some things I think ought to be said. I am not trying to be fair. Your husband is not here and there is no way to say anything to him at this point, but I am not sure that would matter.

From what you have posted I am assuming that you are looking forward to a divorce from your husband. I hope that is what you want above all else because without question that is what will happen. You are headed towards a home without a husband for you or a father for your children. Even if you had an ideal husband what you are doing to your marriage will bring about divorce. You can think it is all your husband’s fault – he is making horrible mistakes but I cannot say anything to him and you cannot change him.

My point here is that even though he is not helping the marriage it is important to realize that you aren’t either. If you take your current methods with you to another marriage it will fail as well. If you treat your children in their mistakes as you have treated your husband you will fail in that relationship as well. If your current marriage (or any future marriage) is to survive you are going to have to make some major changes in your life. To be honest I am surprised that you are married. Perhaps it is because you changed your attitudes since your dating.

Please understand that I am not excusing your husband. Cheating on a marriage covenant is in my mind the essence of one of the worse scum possible in this world. The only advice that I can offer is to swallow your pride and convince your husband that letting you go was the greatest mistake of his life. Right now the marriage is breaking on his terms. You take control. You show him you are the most wonderful wife and mother that ever lived. That will show him his mistake long before convincing him that you are his worse night mere. Even if your marriage ends in divorce still convince him you were the women of his best dreams – not his worse.

The Traveler.