Daughter questioning her faith

[Guest tomk]

My 12 year-old daughter told me last night that she wasn't sure if she wanted to be a Mormon. She expressed her concerns that she didn't know that the Church was true, and wondered if she was just going because her mother and I go, and says she believes because we say we believe -- and not being sure of it herself.

Have any parents here had their children come to them with concerns like this?

Describe what you did and how it went for you. Every situation is unique, just as each of are unique individuals, but perhaps something you say will ring true in my heart and will help me.

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The way her mother and I responded was:

1) We told her how proud we were for her being willing to share this with us. We also told her that it is a GOOD THING to question your beliefs and to want to do these things because you know for yourself, not because of "tradition."

2) We tried to get to the bottom of where her doubts are coming from. She just said it was something she's been thinking about for a while.

3) I suggested she begin with determining if she believes God exists. This seemed a logical place to start. A belief in God was where Ammon began his teaching with King Lamoni.

4) This morning after my daughter had gone off to school, I spent a few minutes writing her a letter. I put the letter on her bed for her to open when she gets home from school today. In the letter I reiterated how proud I am of her and that it is okay to question your beliefs. I encouraged her to find these things out for herself.

I also mentioned "getting to know God." I asked her, "What things do you do when you are trying to get to know someone? Do you spend time with that person? Do you talk to them? Do you share your thoughts and dreams with them? Do you even joke around with them?" Then I stated that Heavenly Father is no different! If we want to get to know Him, we need to spend time with Him! I explained that 2 ways we can get to know Him is with prayer and scripture study. I encouraged her to pray honestly to her Father in Heaven. I talked about the importance of expressing gratitude for our blessings.

It is a beginning. I look forward to your comments.

[MaidservantX]

Kudos, tom. I think you are right. Her thoughts and feelings at that age are exactly normal, and it will probably end up being a very good thing. God bless.

[Canuck Mormon]

I think this is something everyone goes through, whether they were brought up Mormon or not. We all need to be converted to the Gospel. My wife, who has been raised LDS, served a mission, was married in the Temple, is even doubting at the moment. I doubted for 15 years. I think what you are doing is the best way to handle it. Let her doubt, but also guide her and teach her, and most important LOVE her.

Good Luck.

[WillowTheWhisp]

I haven't been in this situation Tom as both of my girls are still active in the church and seem keen to remain so. I will pray for your daughter and hope to hear from you about updates with what's happening. Hope others who have been through the same can offer you constructive advice.

[Guest tomk]

Kudos, tom. I think you are right. Her thoughts and feelings at that age are exactly normal, and it will probably end up being a very good thing. God bless.

Thank you.

I feel the need to rely upon my Father in Heaven to act appropriately.

[Misshalfway]

Wow! I think you are your wife handled it just right. She sounds like she is growing up! It must be a little scary to see your children start to think for themselves. I haven't gotten there yet. So, when I go thru this with my kids, Tom, I'll come to you for advise! :)

[Guest tomk]

I think this is something everyone goes through, whether they were brought up Mormon or not. We all need to be converted to the Gospel. My wife, who has been raised LDS, served a mission, was married in the Temple, is even doubting at the moment. I doubted for 15 years. I think what you are doing is the best way to handle it. Let her doubt, but also guide her and teach her, and most important LOVE her.

Good Luck.

Thank you.

My own experience with a season of inactivity myself, which lasted about 10 years, was that feeling the Savior's love for me was critical to my desiring to return and make the needed changes. Love, more than anything else, is what motivates us.

[Guest tomk]

I haven't been in this situation Tom as both of my girls are still active in the church and seem keen to remain so. I will pray for your daughter and hope to hear from you about updates with what's happening. Hope others who have been through the same can offer you constructive advice.

Thank you.

[Guest tomk]

Wow! I think you are your wife handled it just right. She sounds like she is growing up! It must be a little scary to see your children start to think for themselves. I haven't gotten there yet. So, when I go thru this with my kids, Tom, I'll come to you for advise! :)

Yes!

I have "mixed emotions" about it -- but mostly I am excited. It is this kind of questioning and seeking that can lead to deep conversion (I feel).

[Hemidakota]

My oldest daughter had that bout for 7-years. We just have faith that the Lord would somehow soften her spirit and help her back to the path. This happened last year when she decided to join the marines.

My 12-year old who I presented the 'deeper mysteries', have grown stronger in the gospel as she now quizzes everything. Even to have dreams of Former President Hinckley, John the Beloved and so forth. It is quite amazing in seeing different personalities of our children from one end of the spectrum to the other.

[Misshalfway]

Is she wanting to talk about it and find out? Does she believe in God or is she wondering about that too? She trusted you will her feelings. I think that is sooo big!! You are a really gentle dad. My parents probably would have over-reacted which would have been the worst thing. Sounds like you have a good relationship with her. You sound so humble and your reactions sound so patient. You sound like a good papa!

[Misshalfway]

My oldest daughter had that bout for 7-years. We just have faith that the Lord would somehow soften her spirit and help her back to the path. This happened last year when she decided to join the marines.

My 12-year old who I presented the 'deeper mysteries', have grown stronger in the gospel as she now quizzes everything. Even to have dreams of Former President Hinckley, John the Beloved and so forth. It is quite amazing in seeing different personalities of our children from one end of the spectrum to the other.

How did you handle all of it with your oldest? And your younger daughter sounds really pure hearted and sensitive.

[Guest tomk]

My oldest daughter had that bout for 7-years. We just have faith that the Lord would somehow soften her spirit and help her back to the path. This happened last year when she decided to join the marines.

My 12-year old who I presented the 'deeper mysteries', have grown stronger in the gospel as she now quizzes everything. Even to have dreams of Former President Hinckley, John the Beloved and so forth. It is quite amazing in seeing different personalities of our children from one end of the spectrum to the other.

Yes.

I appreciate you sharing this with me, Hemi.

I feel your 12 year old is amazing. What a precious Gift, Hemi! She must bring you so much unspeakable joy.

One amazing thing about my daughter, is she seems to feel driven to follow her conscience. It is important for her to be true to herself, including her doubts. I really admire this in her, and it came with her from heaven. It is a part of her.

These intimate thoughts that Jacob chose to share with us seem to be somewhat like what I feel:

Jacob 2: 3 And ye yourselves know that I have hitherto been diligent in the office of my calling; but I this day am weighed down with much more desire and anxiety for the welfare of your souls than I have hitherto been.

Jacob 4: 18 Behold, my beloved brethren, I will unfold this mystery unto you; if I do not, by any means, get shaken from my firmness in the Spirit, and stumble because of my over anxiety for you.

[NeuroTypical]

Have any parents here had their children come to them with concerns like this?

No, but I did exactly what your daughter did when I was 18. I went inactive for 6 years, and then finally got serious about figuring out if God really existed or not. I wish someone had given me the advice you gave your daughter. I think it was great advice.

2) We tried to get to the bottom of where her doubts are coming from. She just said it was something she's been thinking about for a while.

Same here. It wasn't that a doubt sprang up from somewhere. It was that I had matured enough to finally understand that I had never really come to any particular belief that God existed.

In the letter I reiterated how proud I am of her and that it is okay to question your beliefs. I encouraged her to find these things out for herself.

What great advice. I had to come within a few credit hours of a minor in philosophy before I came to the same conclusion.

You rock, dad.

LM

[Guest tomk]

Is she wanting to talk about it and find out? Does she believe in God or is she wondering about that too? She trusted you will her feelings. I think that is sooo big!! You are a really gentle dad. My parents probably would have over-reacted which would have been the worst thing. Sounds like you have a good relationship with her. You sound so humble and your reactions sound so patient. You sound like a good papa!

We only broached the topic for the first time, really, last night -- so a lot of these things will probably come-out over the next few months.

Parents have a "gut" feeling regarding their children (one of the things that has pleasantly surprised me once I became one) and my gut says that my daughter's questioning "feel right" to me -- and is to be encouraged. That is what my gut tells me.

Yes, I believe she wants to talk about it with her mother and I and find-out for herself.

I actually don't know if she questions the existence of God or not.

After I posted this thread I called my Grandfather and spoke with him about it. He suggested I place emphasis on the Book of Mormon, and having her gain her own testimony of it. I think this is a really really good idea. It is the bedrock of our faith...the keystone. It is my witness of this Book that tells me this is the true church. Logic seems to point to this being the same for my daughter, if she is willing to do what is required to gain the witness. I assume she is willing.

Thank you for your kind comments, MissHalf.

I do love her. I am amazed by the young woman she is becoming. I feel so protective of her in so many ways -- which I think comes with the territory when you are a father.

I have that witness from God. I feel it deep in my bones. I love the Lord Jesus Christ. He is my friend. His love has (and continues to) quite literally transform my thoughts and desires.

But I also know -- from the same witness -- that such is not to be had by "relying on the arm of flesh." The witness comes from God -- and it is between God and my daughter. This needs to happen, and it cannot be forced or done faster than God deems to be wise.

Matt. 16: 17 And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Bar-jona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven.

If I liken this unto my daughter:

And Jesus answered and said unto her, Blessed art thou, Emily: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven.

Is my hope. :)

[Misshalfway]

Well great. Now I am all tearful!!! :)

That was beautiful. Little girls.....even big ones need their daddy's! Emily is lucky! And the more love and support you give her when things aren't the perfect picture, the better. The truth is, the perfect picture looks more like a struggle than a frictionless plane, anyway. :)

[Hemidakota]

“ the purpose of the gospel is . . . to make bad men good and good men better, and to change human nature ” (President David O. McKay)

[Guest tomk]

No, but I did exactly what your daughter did when I was 18. I went inactive for 6 years, and then finally got serious about figuring out if God really existed or not. I wish someone had given me the advice you gave your daughter. I think it was great advice.

Same here. It wasn't that a doubt sprang up from somewhere. It was that I had matured enough to finally understand that I had never really come to any particular belief that God existed.

What great advice. I had to come within a few credit hours of a minor in philosophy before I came to the same conclusion.

You rock, dad.

LM

Thank you, LM for your observations.

The part I bolded above is crucial to our relationship with God! You expressed it perfectly!

I mentioned that I was inactive for about 10 years. This inactivity came AFTER having been baptized at age 8, going to Church every Sunday, attending 4 years of Seminary during High School, seving a 2 year mission in Brazil, getting sealed in the Salt Lake temple, you name it.

But in all of it -- I never really did any seeking. I never hungered or thirsted for it. And so, I did not really know for myself if it was all true.

Ironically -- it was when my daughter Emily (the same one who is questioning her faith right now) came of age to be baptized that I decided to "wake-up" and return to full activity.

I began praying during the commute to and from work. I just poured my heart out to God. And I felt, more than heard, a response from Him. But it wasn't just that He responded...it was how He responded. It was what I felt from Him -- the exquisite quality of it. It was breathtaking. It was during those prayers while driving that I came to deeply comprehend the parable of the lost sheep. I became the "one" that the Lord came looking for and, once "found" -- He laid me across his shoulders and brought me back home. And I can do nothing but stand and watch in awe as He does the same thing for each member of my family. The greatest miracle that happens during our lives is the still small voice inside of us...speaking to us and transforming us.

I desire the same for my daughter.

[Jenamarie]

Ironically -- it was when my daughter Emily (the same one who is questioning her faith right now) came of age to be baptized that I decided to "wake-up" and return to full activity.

I began praying during the commute to and from work. I just poured my heart out to God. And I felt, more than heard, a response from Him. But it wasn't just that He responded...it was how He responded. It was what I felt from Him -- the exquisite quality of it. It was breathtaking. It was during those prayers while driving that I came to deeply comprehend the parable of the lost sheep. I became the "one" that the Lord came looking for and, once "found" -- He laid me across his shoulders and brought me back home. And I can do nothing but stand and watch in awe as He does the same thing for each member of my family. The greatest miracle that happens during our lives is the still small voice inside of us...speaking to us and transforming us.

I desire the same for my daughter.

I would share that with her. :) I think you are handling this perfectly! As someone who is going through my own questioning period, I'm relieved to see that you didn't criticize her questions. I've had many well-meaning persons within the church tell me that I was asking questions that "weren't important to our salvation" and other such quips, and it was really hurtful. The last thing you want to hear when your faith in God is hanging by a thread, is that your method of searching for God isn't good enough. Kudos to you for presenting this as a positive thing for your daughter!

[Guest tomk]

I would share that with her. :) I think you are handling this perfectly! As someone who is going through my own questioning period, I'm relieved to see that you didn't criticize her questions. I've had many well-meaning persons within the church tell me that I was asking questions that "weren't important to our salvation" and other such quips, and it was really hurtful. The last thing you want to hear when your faith in God is hanging by a thread, is that your method of searching for God isn't good enough. Kudos to you for presenting this as a positive thing for your daughter!

Thank you.

I love that picture of you and your daughter, btw. I can feel the happiness.

Good luck in your searching. God is patient and kind. He does not upbraid.

[lilered]

I agree TomK, share it with your daughter. Your wife and you continue to be good role models and examples to her and she will be fine. It might not hurt to consider offering your Testimony next Fast Sunday and as part of that, publically voice your love and admiration for your family and especially her.

[Guest tomk]

I agree TomK, share it with your daughter. Your wife and you continue to be good role models and examples to her and she will be fine. It might not hurt to consider offering your Testimony next Fast Sunday and as part of that, publically voice your love and admiration for your family and especially her.

I think this is a really good idea.

[ruthiechan]

Does she know how to recognize the Spirit? Remember, not everyone feels a "burning in the bosom" that's talked about. Some people describe it as a gentle kick to the head, a sudden new awareness, being lifted, clarity of mind, feeling warm in the soul, peace, etc. Everyone feels it differently.

Has she had any spiritual experiences? Does she remember them? Often when people question they also forget the spiritual experiences they've had. Help her remember them.

Fast and pray for her, and for you and your wife that you will know what, when and how to do and say to help her gain or regain a testimony.

[rosie321]

Not to give you a swelled head or anything, but I really have to echo the chorus of others, I think you are doing the right thing. You are also setting a great example not only for your daughter but all who post here.

Its great that you have such a relationship with your daughter that she can speak to you about this. Sadly, some parents don't have that.

Its also remarkable that you were receptive to her coming to you. This is the place where most well intentioned people lose it. They don't want to hear their child may not choose to stay with the gospel. They come down so hard they actually push a person farthur away from the gospel.

I pray that you might continue to have the strength to support her and handle any outcome. Continue to support, love, and pray for her. (You don't seem like the kind of person who will stop). She may really test your resolve if she chooses not to stick it out and starts making some bad choices. Stay as strong, loving and faithful as you already are.

One of my favorite stories is the story in the B.O.M. . The angel of the Lord appears to the sons of because of the prayers of their father. They are converted and the rest is history.

[Guest tomk]

Does she know how to recognize the Spirit? Remember, not everyone feels a "burning in the bosom" that's talked about. Some people describe it as a gentle kick to the head, a sudden new awareness, being lifted, clarity of mind, feeling warm in the soul, peace, etc. Everyone feels it differently.

Has she had any spiritual experiences? Does she remember them? Often when people question they also forget the spiritual experiences they've had. Help her remember them.

Fast and pray for her, and for you and your wife that you will know what, when and how to do and say to help her gain or regain a testimony.

Ruthie:

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I want to extend my gratitude to all who have so thoughtfully responded!

It may take some time for her mother and I to understand how the Spirit speaks to our daughter. Yes, I agree, it can be a little bit different for each person.

It also takes time to realize that the Lord is involved in our lives in more ways than just the "still small voice." We can also see His hand in the events (or lack of them) in our lives as well. In my own life, I have been greatly blessed both by the things that HAVE happened, as well as the things that HAVE NOT happened. I have gotten in the habit of LOOKING for the Lord's hand in my life in all things. Doing this has become a great blessing. I cannot explain it any better than that, for I don't have the words. It's unspeakable and full of glory.

Last night she came into our room and said, "I don't know WHAT I believe. I don't believe in heaven OR hell."

My wife asked her about that one time she came home and told us about an experience she had with the Holy Ghost. She was riding her bike and felt to STOP. She did and a car came past that would have hit her if she had not stopped. My wife explained that this was the Holy Ghost!

We told our daughter that we would try to do a better job having Family Home Evenings. Specifically, having FHEs that cater to some of the questions she has right now.

My patriarchal blessing says that my wife and I will need to present the gospel in our home in such a way that our children may receive it. I don't seek a sign from the Lord, but to me, this is a sign that when I received my PB at age 16, that Patriarch was blessed to be able to see this day and give me appropriate counsel.

From my own experiences with the Lord, I know that she will be fine if she becomes willing to do what is required to gain the witness. I will do my best to help her as the Lord directs me to.

Thank you,

Tom