moocow

No question. You need to confess to your bishop. Repentance 101.

I might be a little cynical... but how is it possible that ALL of my friends were temple worthy when they got married, except the ones who went off the deep end anyway? I know I'm not the only one who struggles with the Law of Chastity, so do people just get married in the temple to save face? Sorry, that sounds very negative, but it's kind of weird to me how few people I know in my age bracket (high marriage rate) end up getting married civilly. I feel like people are pressured into pretending to be worthy for the temple or something when I know they're not. I know it's none of my business, but it's just annoying.

The students are not expected to go along with everything the teacher says. I mean, we've gotten into some debates in my classes. But you are supposed to keep the Church in mind when talking about issues that might cross over into religion. There was a Democratic society that some students started, but they ended up getting rid of it. I don't remember what the exact situation was. Crazy stuff students do besides anything breaking the honor code, they roll burning couches down sand dunes, throw loud parties that cops break up, drive around past curfew (gasp!), pull pranks on students of the opposite sex, take pictures in Walmart (a no-no), and every freshman without fail puts dish soap in the dishwasher. It's pretty crazy up there in Idaho. I love Rexburg and I love BYU-Idaho. That's why I'm going back there even though I'll be graduated! And my boyfriend lives there :)

I have been struggling recently while doing my scripture study. I know that men sometimes ignore women who sound like women's rights activists, but I assure you I am not. In the scriptures you will find that for the most part, women are not given much attention as far as having any kind of authority. Instead, Paul wrote about how men are governed by God, and women are governed by men. So essentially, a woman is under the man and is not directly under God. Also, you read in Acts that women should not talk in church and in Timothy is says women should learn in silence and not teach. Well, before you write this off as "olden days" talk, realize that it's ALL OVER the scriptures so it must be something that is important or else why is it included? Another thing that I noticed was that, when referring to sexual sin, women do tend to get a lot of the blame. They are called whores, concubines, etc. but the men are not labeled. Instead, it's not that big of a deal if a man in the scriptures has concubines. He's not looked at as a whore. I just feel offended as a woman because I am frustrated with not understanding my role. If women are just for pleasing their husbands as it says in the scriptures, then why would God create us with brains just as smart as men? It would have been kinder to make us all ignorant of our situation. I do not expect to be given the priesthood. I do not think women should be the same as men. I just wish men in general would give women more credit and not get so cocky that they were born a man and not a woman. Unless you are a woman, you don't know how it feels to realize that you are limited because of your gender.

Thanks guys, that really helps a lot! I was thinking that since we did live together for a bit this summer, I would fall into that category of those who it would be better to just get married. I know I should have chose wiser in this relationship, but for me, my spirituality would be better if I was married.

I am 25 and dating someone who I want to marry, but we are not worthy for the temple. I've struggled with chastity issues for the past 5 years. He's struggled for the past 10 years. At what point do you decide to just get a civil marriage? Of course we could be sealed after we're married. But at this rate, I'm never going to get married because I'm never worthy long enough to actually make it to the temple. And yet I'm too ashamed to admit it to the world and my family that I suck at life and can't get married in the temple. It's always been a no-brainer that I would marry in the temple. I know it's not right and God is displeased with me, but, is it sometimes acceptable to marry outside of the temple? I am otherwise a good member of the church and you'd never know it by looking at me that I have a problem. Repentance works and I have faith in it, I just can't seem to actually kick this and it's almost getting to the point that it's more harmful to my spiritual progression that I'm not married. It sounds weird, but I feel like I can't put off marriage forever. If I tried to repent and start over (and break up with my boyfriend) that would be another year or so and even then there's no guarantee that I will finally somehow overcome this. I'm sadly giving up trying now. I guess I just want to know if anyone else has had to make this kind of decision and how did it turn out for you? If you're wondering, I love my boyfriend and DON'T want to break up with him. That's why I'm asking about civil marriages. Ha ha

Woah, there are a lot of voices on this forum. I feel like I should include my opinion too, not to add to the chaos, but because I've actually been there. I do realize it's been a month since you posted. I have had situations of repentance while I was off-track. I think it does depend a lot on your bishop and how strict of a guy he is. Kinda sounds bad to say, but you get some who are really knowledgeable about the school's standards and are quick to kick people out for transgressions less serious than sex. Then you have bishops who have a policy where if they can help you repent, they will do that without informing the school IF they're sure no one else knows about it (past roommates, etc). I think you can definitely try to repent now for winter. Even if you have to register for classes toward Christmas time, that gives you enough time to have met with your bishop and gotten a plan for you to become worthy. It may be that you will be referred to your campus bishop for winter semester to continue to meet with him on a regular basis, but I think you have a good chance of not getting kicked out. I promise that the most important thing for you to do to help yourself out in this situation is to first make your decision to confess to your bishop. Once you know you are going to do that, go in there with a fully humble heart and don't lie about anything. Be willing to accept whatever he says as far as not taking the sacrament or whatever else. Just be humble and willing to work hard during these next few months to get the Spirit back into your life. You will know when you are forgiven. You will feel ready to go to the temple again and not be ashamed to be wearing white. I promise it's the best thing you could feel, being right with God and feeling worthy! Good luck!

I went to BYU-I for many years. You will find different types of people there. If you live in a more expensive apartment complex, you will find less active members. Some of the most spiritual people live in the cheaper housing. But even so, you get all types everywhere. Just be an example. And let them know that it bothers you if they're home late or if they start cussing or something. If they know someone at home cares what they do, they will be more likely to choose the right. Everyone could use someone in their life to be "accountable" to. Just don't be annoying about it.

I go there too and am in a similar situation. believe me this is a legitimate concern. there are MANY of us here struggling with this issue. repentance is made harder when you are at a church school because it means losing thousands of dollars, literally, along with the usual stuff that comes with church discipline and repentance. I love repentance, don't get me wrong. i would LOVE to just confess and be done. but if you were in our shoes, you would see the predicament. I am a week away from graduating. That sucks if I got kicked out now. Kind of makes you think right?

Thank you all for your encouragement! I am just scared, but I know that true repentance means being willing to take the consequences. I need to be more humble about this and realize that the Lord is merciful to forgive me so I shouldn't expect Him to take away all consequences to my error.

I go to a church university. I have broken the Law of Chastity. I only have one semester left and we are required to have an ecclesiastical endorsement before we can register for classes. My boyfriend and I want so badly to confess and make things right, but we're 80% sure we'll get kicked out of school. (We leave room for faith and miracles!) This will cost us lots of time and money since it's right smack dab in the middle of the semester. This isn't just a private thing between the bishop and us. It's everyone in our lives all becoming very aware that we broke the Law of Chastity and are kicked out. We'd have to move out and be outcasts basically. It sucks! Does anyone have any words of comfort? I hate life right now. I really really really don't want to lie to the Bishop. I never have, and I never intend to. Also, how bad is it to run away and elope? Just wondering. I'm almost 25 by the way. I know I sound like a teenager, but seriously I don't know what to do.

I tried to make it work with my ex after were already pretty intimate, and I made it about 3 months and then back to messing up. And this happened like 4 or 5 times, repenting each time. Not recommended. We broke up, but more because he wasn't willing to try to be better. If your boyfriend really TRIES to be better, and you really TRY to be better, you can both be each other's guards. Just slap his hand if he comes closer, and hopefully he'll do the same to you! Practical advice: Don't kiss with tongue. It solved most everything for us for awhile.

You will probably feel better about yourself if you get surgery. I don't know if you're talking about breast augmentation or alterations below, but if you feel more womanly, it could increase desire for your marriage. Like someone already said, I don't think this will cure his pornography addiction, because I don't think any woman could replace the "porn star" look guys see in porn. It's too hard to achieve that, so don't think you have to. This would be just for you and how you feel about your sexuality. Imagine if you'd regret it afterwards or not. What are the benefits of both sides? What does your husband say? Your kids will have their own struggles regardless of what you try to shield from them. They will struggle with decisions like this too. I wouldn't try too hard to keep your struggles from them. Be more open!

When I was the first one to go to the bishop and my significant other waited for a while, I felt like we weren't "together" and weren't on the same page. I wished he would have been going through that with me. And I felt like he wasn't as willing to try to fix it as I was. So maybe that's how your b-friend is feeling. He might take you not repenting as you procrastinating. It might just be a misunderstanding. Show him that you are on the same page as him. If you aren't, try to meet him there.

Thank you all for commenting on my question! So... you guys surprised me with your negativity about him. I agree that he is wrong to be hipocritical. I mean, he's only 21 and has never had a problem with sexual sin so I don't think he really understands how easy it is to do. So far I've been super good about following rules and stuff. And he believes that I'm a "saint" and he's a "sinner". I guess you don't know him, but he's a really great guy. Gentleman, chivalrous, and very good to women. I don't know if he ever got "frisky" in his bedroom with someone but I refuse to go in his bedroom and he doesn't ever push me. I think I will maybe tell him about my past very briefly if it gets to the point where we are having one of those serious conversations. And I think he will have to decide if he is really willing to give me up over my past sins which have been forgiven. I hope that my current goodliness and desire to be righteous will prove to him that the atonement is real. You can have peace after sin. And I am not the girl I used to be at all. I dunno, I'm gonna keep dating him, but the day I break the news to him will be hard. Let's hope he doesn't pry for details. They're not pretty. But more importantly, they're no longer important.

I messed up with my ex and tried to wait a year... that was a joke. we just messed up again. i broke up with him and am much happier. Your relationship has been messed up (sorry to say it's due to your mistakes) so just chalk it up as a loss. You can go to the temple in like 3 months or 4, and be dating again by 5 months. You will do better the second time around!

I have sinned in the past with my last boyfriend. Things that I try to forget now and have repented for and such. Now I have this incredible guy. He's exactly what I always wanted in a guy and we've only really just started dating, but things are going really well. He doesn't know about my past sins, but he told me he broke up with a girl because she had "gotten frisky" with her last boyfriend (not actually had sex, and neither had I) so he couldn't bear the thought of her comparing him with her ex and felt like she was unfaithful to him even when she didn't know him. He also said he'd rather not know about stuff like that. "Ignorance is bliss". So I feel like crap, obviously. I mean, I totally forgive myself, but I feel like I can NEVER tell him about what stuff I've done in my past now. So when you're married, can you keep a secret like that forever? And does it matter? The funny thing is that he has way more relaxed boundaries than I do as far as dating. I keep my boundaries super tight now after discovering how quickly one can fall into temptation. But with his past girlfriends, he has had them in his bedroom in his bed to cuddle, and makes out a lot, and doesn't care about curfew (we're at a church school so this is all against the honor code). He just doesn't understand how easily people fall, and the power of the atonement I guess. I mean, I'm actually a really great person. I don't consider myself a slut at all. I just messed up and I totally admit that. Do you think he would be right to dump me if I would ever tell him that I had some sort of sexual experiences already with someone that's not him? Is that reason to not marry someone over? I really want to marry him because he's seriously amazing. Such a sweet guy. Do you think I can hold that secret for the rest of my life?

Ok, thanks

So... would you consider sexting a need to go to a bishop? What I mean by that is sending a picture message to someone where I'm not completely clothed. We live in different states. I know I need to repent, the question is if it's something that a bishop must be involved in. Thanks.

I'm almost 100% sure I want to marry him. Our relationship has had some bumps along the way. He isn't as quick to go to his bishop as I have been. But when I talked to him, he said he really didn't want to get married civilly because he would be letting down his family. And my family, who doesn't know about our worthiness issues, already don't really like him because they think he is just "not proposing". He feels that that would add to their dislike of him. But we do want to get married. To make sure he is going to be a good fit for me, I need to see if he will do what he needs to do repentance-wise on his own, without me bringing it up. That's the only way I will know for sure if he really wants to go to the celestial kingdom with me or not.

thank you for all of your advice. i've gotten a good mix of different answers. right now i don't know what exactly i'm going to do. honestly, i would rather get married and then go to the temple. but... it's so awkward since my family and friends would judge me. my sister did that and eloped in vegas! she told us 2 weeks later, then she was sealed a year later. but her and her fiance were having sex regularly. just to clarify to some of you, i've never had sex. just the things that lead up to it. and those "things" happen like every 3 months or so. i know, it's still bad but i've never gone "all the way". i'm sure details make no difference. but yeah.

My boyfriend and I can't seem to stay worthy long enough to get recommends. But we don't want to just get married civilly because that's more of a cop out. Because yes, a year after a civil marriage you can get married in the temple. But there's no real "repentance" when you can have sex every day without guilt, you know? This has been going on for like 2 years. We've been dating for 3 years. We just can't stay worthy for more than like 6 months. For the past year and 3 months we've only messed up 3 times with "petting". but i mean, we've never gotten our temple recommends because we were waiting for a year for something else. Doesn't it seem hard to postpone marriage for worthiness while being extremely tempted with someone you have been dating 3 years? Does anyone know what it's like? How can we just freaking stop sinning so that finally we can just get married like we've wanted to all along?!!! It's like doubly hard. An uphill battle, it feels like. BTW, I've gone to my bishop quickly for each of these offenses. And I pray every night and read scriptures and such. Bonus question: Is it possible to run out of second chances? Cuz I've been to my bishop a lot since I keep repeating my offense. Although I am getting better overall. Will it ever get to a point when I will no longer be eligible for eternal life and those things? I'm 22.