Melissa569

Its good that you were nice to them. From what our local Elders have told us, they've been spat on, people would throw things at them while driving by, or open the door to scream obscenities at them and slam it shut. I think even if people aren't interested AT ALL, it still wouldn't hurt them to be nice about saying no :) Gifts? As others have said, it depends what it is. It might be too soon to give them gifts though, I would wait until you've met with them a couple of times. When I became active again, they were comming to our house every Wednesday, and even with me (who they knew pretty well), I've had them turn down brand new packaged munchies, after having always accepted them before. One of them said he had noticed that he was gaining weight (he was quite the eater, and often endulged in whatever families would offer). I didn't think he was fat at all! But he said his waist line wast getting tight. He didn't want extra temptation starring him in the face at home. That could be a reason they would turn down cookies :)

I'm sorry, but I do not believe that people are born gay. These days, everyone is trying to blame things on genetics, to keep from being judged, or held responsible-- eating disorders, being gay, being an alcoholic, a drug addict, a sex addict, a killer, and the list goes on. Well, even if genetics are to blame, does that mean we should just give up? Let it consume us? Let all the criminals out of prison because its "not their fault"? I don't think so. Regardless of "why" it happens, we still need to put effort into keeping a handle on it.

Pretty good suggestions :) Or at the very least, see if I can get the paycheck mailed to the house instead, because I'm the only one who has a mail key (he likes to cash them at work and just not even come home the day he gets paid- takes a cab right to the casino...). Yeah, it does kind of feel like being a mother instead of a wife, lol. That's why I've never had much desire to have kids, because I feel like I'm constantly busy raising and keeping close watch over a big 200 lb one, who's going to remain a rebellious 14-year-old in his mind forever :). But not just any rebellious teen-- the kind you have to hide your purse and valuables from, lol. I did start my own little business from home, I'd like to keep working on that, until it earns enough for me to survive on all by myself. I don't have any joint accounts with him because of this, mine is totally separate, and I keep my debot card in my bra (he's not allowed to use it, or to know my pin number). The lease is in my name, so I'll just pray to god we can manage to get the rent paid until its up (another 6 months, I think). Hopefully by then I can stay with my mom (she wants me to), and contribute money I earn from my business, so I'm not an extra living expense :)

Yes, that was just an invitation for people to "come on in and discuss" :)

I’ve mentioned before how my husband is a gambler… Well last night he ran down to the casino and blew all our rent money. Now we’re in a heap of trouble. This has been going on for years, and its getting worse and worse. He’s gambled the rent money away almost every payday for the past few months, and he usually finds someone to bail him out… But its clear that now he’s running out of friends who can (or will) do that. Well, I tried all the classical things: * Arranging support/therapy meetings (he won’t go) * Threatening to leave (he acts like he would just have more freedom to gamble if I did) * Trying to control his finances (he just cashes his checks at work and lies about when/how he gets money, when/how he spends it, and won’t let me handle it) So tonight, I went in search of some “other” ways (online) to get control of the situation, but I ended up feeling even MORE frustrated! I mostly went to support sites for spouses and family members of gamblers. All the websites say the same thing: * You can’t force a gambler to go to meetings. If you try, they will just resent the meetings instead of seeing them as a helpful outlet, and it does more harm than good. * A gambler must hit rock bottom first, or they will never see a reason to stop. * Don’t try to control the gambler’s finances, they will just hide their money, lie, and be more secretive about it. (true, lol) * Don’t try to control their behavior (hiding car key’s, hiding their wallet). They will just borrow money and find another ride. They will also see your control attempts as a reason to gamble even more, out of “nagging stress” caused by you. It really just enables them to blame you for everything. * Leaving a gambler (or threatening to) doesn’t work, because many of them would actually prefer you to leave, so they can have more freedom to gamble without being nagged. (hmmmm) Ugh! As I said I got so angry. They are basically just telling you to sit back and let the gambler destroy themselves (and you too, if you are committed to half of the finances like a car or a home/lease-- and what if you have kids?). I tell you, I’ve never hated him more, or wanted to punch him so much in all the 6 years we’ve been together. I know that sounds mean, but it just makes you feel so powerless and MAD. I soooooooo married the wrong guy. If I could go back to visit the naive virgin I used to be, I'd bump her upside the head and say "Hey! Just because a guy shows interest in you, doesn't mean he's the right one! Keep looking!" lol. Anyone else dealing with loved ones who have an addiction (of any kind)?

Sorry to hear about your situation. I'll quote something from one of my favorite "Savage Garden" songs called "Affirmation": "I believe that trust is more important than monogamy." Even if he does bite his knuckle and try to behave, can you live in fear of him doing it again for the rest of your life? Its like any other addiction-- people think that once an addict starts behaving better, that everything is fine. But that's not true. An addict will have to fight their urges until the day they die, and msot of them fall back again, from time to time. This is always going to be a struggle for him. You can pray all you want, some people just have higher hormone levels. I knwo that sounds like I'm making excuses for people who cheat, but I'm not. This is very real. Its just a question of making sure you don't pick someone with this problem, if tis somethign that bothers you. There are cases where its all just in the head, yes. But there are also cases where iit is an actual, medical problem. In that case, its something god is going to have to consider when judging a person. But in the mean time, you have to decide what kind of man you want. In the medical case of higher hormone levels-- its not a spiritual thing, or a psychological thing. They can actually SEE physical proof of this in tests. Any doctor will tell you that different people have different levels of testosterone and estrogen in their bodies, and it has a VERY profound effect on their sexual drive. Medically, he "could" have sexual urges that are too broad for only one woman to cater to. You may never have all of him. If that's the case, it may be beyond the help that church activity can offer. Its kind of like how if you're having heart problems, you can pray and go to church, and it may help (some)... But that's not going to take care of the problem all by itself. You still have to change your diet, and go see a doctor. Of course, the problems are not your fault, and I don't know the details of your personal life... But with a high hormone problem in a husband, there are only 2 things you can do: Be just as into sex as he is, and try all the things he likes to try, as often as he wants to try them even if they make you uncomfortable (because whatever you won't do, another woman will). But if you're really not that into it, that can be horribly unpleasant--- or you can see if there is a way you can get medical help. The problem is, I don't know if they have medical treatments to "lessen" a man's sexual drive, lol. Usually, that is something men are greatful to have, and any medical complaints are on the other side of the fence. Its good to be a virgin when you get married. But it does have its drawbacks too... When people are very strict about not only premarital sex with a partner, but also "self exploration" and such-- sure you can discuss sexual expectations with your fiance beforehand. But its extremely difficult to tell how often or how much you are going to expect sex. Especially with the things you discover after a few years of marriage. I mean everybody kind of wants it a lot as a newly wed. But you really find out what your nature is after you've been in a relationship for a while. Because of the differences in our needs, and our anatomy, men often discover that "the real thing" is more addictive than they expected. While women often discover that its NOT as wonderful as they expected. I understand that the (LDS) gospel discourages self exploration... But oh, all the related marital problems are something I would just LOOOVVEEE to discuss with God, lol. If you are just kind of average about sexual drive, and you're not really interested in doing 3 times the work in that area every day, then you might be a lot happier with a man who is closer to your level. But if you do decide to leave, make sure you thuroughly investigate this with any man who comes into your life in the future. Its not something you want to go through again...

The chemical high does have its place. It causes the initial attraction and bond, which softens the heart, knocks down the defensive walls, and paves the way for love to grow. Maybe it doesn't do you any good to be obsessed with "the way things were in the beginning", because quite frankly, I think the better you know each other, the easier it is to figure out what makes your partner happy. But you also don't have to have a boring marriage, in order to be a decent person. I mean, what good are you doing your marriage, if you allow it to get so boring, that it falls apart? You have to find a happy medium. Nothing wrong with relighting the fire when its needed.

Well.... The problem is that you are associating sex with bad things (porn is bad). Sex as a subject on its own is never "dirt", or "filth". Its a beautiful and sacred act to be between you, and the person you are/will be married to. HOWEVER, it can be engaged in at the wrong time, in the wrong place, or with the wrong person. And porn... You can call that dirt if you want to, lol. If you see it for what it really is, its not so interesting. 60% of those people have sexually transmitted deseases, and the others are dangerously flirting with it. Also, pretty much everyone in the film is (at the time of filming it) completely strung out on anywhere from 1 to 5 (or more) kinds of drugs, and / or totally drunk. Most of them are on anti-anxiety/depression medication too, and in therapy for the emotional problems its causing. So as I've heard in a video made by a female pastor who used to be a porn actress: "You are basically watching very sick people have fake sex-- sick mentally, emotionally, and physically." It is fake too, because you have a camera crew standing all around with blinding lights in everyone's face, making all of them pause and re-do makeup every so often. The men are eating viagra like candy, because they are so messed up physically and mentally, they can't even have natural sex anymore. The women are badly abused, sometimes being beaten and choked or their insides are injured in other videos, without being warned about it ahead of time. Many are threatened that if they cry, or vomit (from too much drugs, alcohol, or whatever) they won't be paid. Every time you watch porn, you are supporting that abuse, because the same directors pass all the actors around. I think the first step in getting out of a pornography addiction is to stop mentally putting legitimate / marital sex, in the same category as porn. Sex is a wonderful gift from god with someone you're married to and in love with-- porn is sick, fake, and disgusting. Plain and simple. If you start putting them together, then sex as a whole is going to be tucked away in the back of your mind, right along with porn, as something dirty and sick. And if its back in that corner, you will start attaching all kinds of other bad things to it, like perversions. You're never going to have a happy or healthy marriage with that attitude. Everything in its place, my friend. Sex is to be freely expressed in a loving marriage. Porn is to be thrown in the garbage can.

Trust me, if a guy is into you, he will go out of his way to get in touch with you, especially if he thinks he's losing you. I don't care if he's booked up with season passes to his favorite events-- he will make time for you and get in touch. Of course, I'm not sure if you can/should live by that rule while he's on his mission, because he could just be trying to focus. But absolutely YES when he comes back home. As for the letters.... I'm reminded of my father. He never served a mission, but he did serve many years in the U.S. Army. When he first joined at 18, his parents wrote him so many letters that first year, it wasn't funny. Pretty much wrote him once or twice a week. My dad never wrote a SINGLE letter back. He loved his parents, he just hated writing letters. Finally, after so long of not hearing from him, his parents got worried. They called around and got hold of his C.O. -- who ORDERED him to write home, at the very least a post card. I know that nobody is going to order your friend to write to you. But some guys just don't write letters. As for him responding to others and not you on social websites-- who knows why that is. Worst case-- he doesn't want people to think he likes you in that special way, because he doesn't. Best case-- he cares about you (in one way or another), but he's in denial, and a bit like my dad. The problem is, while he's ignoring you, you're waiting for him. Some good advice would come from the movie "Straight Talk": Get on with your life, go out, make plans. He wants to talk to you-- you're busy. He'll come around. Or he won't. Either way, you'll be living, not waiting. This should especially apply for when he has returned home.

Well, there's York, and there's New York. There's Hampshire, and New Hampshire. Delhi and New Delhi. I guess there could be Earth, and New Earth, lol. Its nice that they found it, but I doubt any of us would be able to move there any time soon. Travel wise, we're barely limping around out own solar system right now, and NASA is almost broke. Its gonna be a while. We also need to find out if this planet matches us in gravity, temperature, pressure, air, etc. Interesting idea for future generations though.

Personally, I like to read up on what MANY religions have to offer. I actually think some of the most beautiful words on the matter of other religions and weather they are good or bad, come from the Muslim Koran. They are very kind words, very loving and accepting of other religions (many modern churches should look to this belief for an example) even if the radicals don't admit that the Koran says this: [2:62 & 5:69] "Surely, those who believe, those who are Jewish, the Christians, and the converts; anyone who (1) believes in GOD, and (2) believes in the Last Day, and (3) leads a righteous life, will receive their recompense from their Lord. They have nothing to fear, nor will they grieve. " Personally, I think that's a more mature approach than "Only WE are right, and everyone else is going to burn in hell". lol. Good people come in many different shapes, colors, sizes, and belief systems. The sooner people learn to acknowledge that, the sooner this world will be a more peaceful place to live.

If you have a good reason to get a divorce, meaning if it will protect you or your children's physical, spiritual, emotional and mental well being, or just if you truly would be better off in life getting away from that person-- then I don't think its a sin. Even if there are no children involved, still, you have to have enough self respect to get out of an unhealthy situation. Just like you should have enough self respect to close the door and walk away if you accidentally stumble into a room where there are 10 people getting strung out on drugs. You should especially leave a relationship if the other person won't take the steps along with you that are needed to make things better. Fixing a marriage is not something that only one person can do. Both sides have to be actvely involved. And if one person refuses no matter what, there is very little you can do beyond that. Being in a destructive relationship (its not always physical violence, it can also be mental and emotional abuse) can destroy who you are. It can ruin your heart, your spirit, your ability to love and forgive... It can wreck the way you think about life and other people, and it can ultimately destroy your soul, if you wallow in it too much. Not all marriages are a good thing to save... Sorry, "save" is the wrong word. That implies that the problems have been resolved, and that can't always happen. Let's reword that-- not all marriages are a good thing to pin the "monogamy" button on. And there comes a time when we all have to admit that. And just because the divorce was caused by selfishness-- doesn't mean it was YOUR selfishness.

I don't see any problem with people going to the regular family ward. I'm still fairly young, but if it turns out that my marriage doesn't work (which it just might), I know for sure that I'm not going to a Single Adults ward... I would feel so weird, lol. Like I was wearing a sign on my forhead stating that I'm specifically looking for a date as soon as I walk in there. Which would not be true. I would feel like every guy I happened to glance at or speak to would probably think I was flirting, or "checking him out", lol. Or all the girls would treat me like competition, instead of a friend. I just wouldn't be very happy there. Besides, I don't think anybody likes to walk into a room, glance around at the limited bumber of people in there, and think "Hmmm, so this is what I have to choose from for the rest of my life?" More variety means a better chance at finding a better match. There are sooooo many LDS dating websites, with thousands upon thousands of single members. I think that is a better place to meet someone. Plus it forces you to get to know th person first, through phone calls and emails. And if you really get to caring about each other, then one of you will relocate for the other.

I was curious what this show was, so I checked out the preview on YouTube, here: Hmmmm.... Well, if you live in a country where half of the men have been killed off, and your choices are either get married or starve--- then I suppose I can see why someone would agree to be one of multiple wives. Of course, that still doesn't mean its right, or ideal... Its just survival. And to be honest, even in that case, I'm sorry but I would rather become a nun and live in a convent (almost every culture has something similar to that, religiously) than participate in a multiple marriage. But as for the USA... If there are plenty of men to go around, and such a lifestyle is not the norm of your culture, then there is no need to live such a lifestyle. I firmly believe that if you allow yourself to be sucked into it when there is no survival need to do so, it is because you have somehow been convinced that YOU don't deserve a faithful husband, but your husband deserves faithful wives. I mean really, if he truly believes that multiple marriages are ok, then how come his wives can't have multiple husbands? I'll tell you why-- Its because he thinks he is more worthy of being content than women are. And any man who believes that, is not decent. Nor is he worthy of a good woman's love.

Interesting points of view... When I first got into a relationship I thought (I'm sure a lot of us did) that all we had to do was care about each other, be affectionate, and everything woudl be fine, lol. Now I look back on that frame of mind and I just laugh. Who knew it would all turn out to be so complicated :)

Hmmmm, very well said :) I've noticed that I do tend to give up easily... That much I can admit. For example, I will do 1 or 2 nice things for my husband, and if that doesn't cause him to burst into the "giving" frame of mind, I just give up and figure "why even try?". Sometimes I wonder if its turned into a "I mnto changing my ways until YOU do first" type of battle. Kind of makes me wonder what would happen if I did a one-week experiment, just to see if I can break the selfish cycle in the marriage. As in keep a journal of what I decide to do, and what my husband's reactions are, if any. Then promise myself that for one entire week, no matter how frustrating it is-- I do EVERYTHING my husband likes and appreciates, without complaining, or asking for anything in return. And just see if his behavior changes in response... See if a week of that makes him think, "Wow, she's been keeping me really happy lately, it makes me wanna now do something for her." If I don't see any positive changes, I guess I'll know what the problem really is, lol.

I'm trying to figure out how you determine who the "selfish" one is in a marital situation. I’ve seen this quote in the forum many times: Elder Burton-- Personal selfishness is the main reason for the present high divorce rate throughout the world. Ok, well here’s where I feel a little confused. The above statement may very well be true, and I do agree with it. Unfortunately, my knowing and acknowledging that won't save my marriage. I can only work on myself, I can't force my husband to be more giving and caring. That's entirely up to him. But I do know that it can't just be one person doing all the giving in a marriage, that's not going to work. Furthermore, how do you figure out who the “selfish” person is, when a marriage is not happy? Is it the person with an unmet need? Or the person refusing to meet that need? For example (I don‘t really care this much about foot rubs, I‘m just using this as an example because it’s a cleaner than intimate “bedroom talk” lol) -- say the wife is upset because at the end of a long, stressful and tiring day, she really enjoys both partners laying down and rubbing each other’s feet. It takes all her stress away, and makes her feel romantic and bonded to her partner. But the husband doesn’t like to touch people’s feet, because he thinks its gross. So he refuses to do this activity with her. So the wife picks out something HE likes, but that she doesn’t really care for, and offers to do that for him in exchange every time. But the husband still says, “If getting that means I have to rub someone’s feet, then I don’t want it!” Well… Who is the selfish one in this case? Is the wife selfish for wanting her husband to do something that grosses him out? Or is the husband selfish for refusing to entertain the idea that “a body part is just a body part”, particularly with someone you love, and taking part in the activity?

Well, the reason agree that its important to know what anti-LDS people are saying, is because one of the favorite arguments they like to use is that we are all "being lied to". They like to claim that the REAL doctrine is being hidden from us, and that the books we are reading (BOM, Pearl, DC) are only part of the story, and that our own church is hiding the rest from us... You can read the above 3 books all you want, but that will only prepare you for misinterpretations people make about what is plainly written in them. In that case, you can simply open the books and point out the words to people. But it doesn't prepare you for things that anti-LDS people claim are "left out of the books". Because obviously, opening the books to prove to people that those bits of false doctrine aren't in there, doesn't help your case. They're just going to fire back with, "See? Its not in there! You're church is covering things up!" Most of the non-LDS people I talk to think that the modern LDS church, is the same as the fundamentalists with multiple wives. They think all the LDS men have multiple wives. When I try to explain that this is not true, people gang up on me and say, "Well, of course she'll deny it. She's brain washed to believe that she has to protect their way of life!" When I was 15 (and inactive), my 40-year-old neighbor saw me wearing my old CTR ring, for nostalgia sake. She said, "You should take that off and throw it away!" When I asked her why, she said, "That church has NO respect for women. Did you know that if you go to Utah wearing that ring, a Mormon boy your age can just walk up and take you as his wife, and there would be nothing you could do about it? The laws are different out there, you wouldn't have any rights.." bla, bla, bla. Scared the daylights out of me, because I was about to travel through Utah, on my way to visit my sister! lol. I found out it wasn't true before I went, but still... People actually think this stuff is the truth.

My kitty-girl's name is Clover. She's got white boots, green eyes, and an attitude. But she's very loving and fun. And then there's my spoiled little male chihuahua-mix named Bruiser, who is just in a category all his own:

You shouldn't be. People will know that you are an investigator. Its generally understood that investigators may not dress, act, or style themselves like most people in the ward. Most members have a welcoming attitude toward new people comming in. However, I'll be honest-- if you decide to attend regularly, or even join the church officially, I have an idea that people there will "encourage" you to shorten the length. :) And if anyone does show attitude on your first visit-- well shame on them! They shouldn't be judging you.

If you want to look a little more sleek, another option is you can try places that sell vintage night gowns. I say this because while there are some spaghetti-strap vintage gowns, quite a few of them are made in the old style, which is elegant and flattering, but not very showy in the shoulder area. The garment sleeves might come out a bit on some designs... But if you get a white gown, it won't be all that distinguishable. Here are some examples: Click here Click here Click Here Click Here

I just watched this. It was very sad, and very powerful.

I agree with you 100%. Problem is, stories like this wil only work as a cure for porn for mostly decent people. Those who have compassion for others. But not everyone does... The reason porn will always have a place and a market among at least some of the human race, is because there are people who think this abuse is funny. Even exciting. Or that this is the way people (especially women) are supposed to be treated. I'm sure its not news to anybody, but they have worse than just regular porn. They have what is called "snuff"-- videos in which people are sexually abused, then tortured, and gruesomely killed (well, taken apart piece by piece while still alive, more like, until their functions break down and fade out). And some people love to watch it, they get a real kick out of it. Sure, there are films where its all just acting. But there are also films where its real, and wealthy maniacs who will accept nothing less for their entertainment. They will even watch it happen live, through a one-way mirror. This happens to some young women in the porn industry too-- they are promised a job as a porn actress, and end up being butchered. Or young girls who are out late at night or at drunken parties with their friends will be kidnapped and sold off for this kind of entertainment. Which is why you should be willing to let a tank run over you, rather than have your teens run around at night... I would personally call the police on my own teenager as a runaway, if they walked out of the house when I told them not to. I would rather see them being brought back home in the back of a squad car, or even in juvenile hall, then end up in the clutches of a lunatic. In the case of people who get off on that sort of thing, the abuse you speak of is soft-core. For them, I'm afraid there never will be a cure.

I think it would be better if they were releasing it closer to halloween. But still, I will soooooooooo be at the theater as early as possible to get my tickets! One for me, hubby, and mom. :)

Hopefully by telling you this, it will make you a little less eager. I was inactive most of my life, when I met my current husband (a non-active Catholic). He and I had sex before we got married. He was my first, and remains my only. I was 23 when it happened (now I'm 29). At this point, all I can remember of that night is a dark room, a few kisses, a lot of pain for about 2 minutes, and then BOOM it was over. He just rolled over and went to sleep, as do most guys right after. Its not like in the movies... They don't hug you, and gaze in your eyes, and "talk" for an hour. A pretty rude shock for me. I sat there on the edge of the bed, totally hating myself more than you can imagine. I held out 23 years, just for that?? I snuck outside and went for a late-night walk alone and cried for about an hour. When I got too cold, I came back and went to sleep. The point is-- the first time is not going to be all that great. Especially not if he has little or no experience. You might as well at LEAST have the luxury of being proud of when, where, and how it happened. Don't do like I did. I understand that it still would have happened the exact same way, even if we had been married. But again, at least I could have been proud of myself. My parents tried to warn me with those exact same words, but I didn't listen. Now I wish I had.