Quin

I'm not fond of English as a language.... It's so VAGUE. (Language of diplomacy for a reason). Sometimes, when I'm having difficulty with a concept in English, I jump languages and look at the way concepts are defined. For "love" I go Greek (or Arabic & Japanese , but Greek is more straightforward): Eros - Romantic Love / Lust Amos - love between friends Fillious - love between family members Toss in the Japanese & one gets honor & respect & synergy & place Toss in Arabic & one gets the meeting of mind & heart & action Which all sort of swirls around in my head to get broken down in my personal definition of "love". I loooooooove he way Greek defines differing TYPES of love (I stead of stupid English where people have to specify... I love you but am not IN love with you, or I love you, man!, or I care for you, or blah blah blah.) I already really like one of the most ***common sense*** books, ever. The 5 love languages - Physical touch - Acts of Service - Quality Time - Gifts - Words of affirmation It breaks down the ways most people BOTH feel love and share love. And is a face meet palm EASY BUTTON. As an example: My friends N&D For example, my friend N used to write little notes all the time for his spouse D. One of his ways of showing love was 'words of affirmation'. But hat WASN'T one of his spouse's ways. One of their ways was acts of service. Which wasn't on N's radar. So they had a lot of feeling unappreciated/unloved going on, even though BOTH were bending over backwards in their own minds. D would leave without writing a note, and would just blithely crumple up and toss notes left. N would see the dishes done and say 'Thanks' but feel completely nonplussed. Once they started using the other person's "primary language"? Vavavooooooom. Instant marriage jolt. But it took both of them SEEING this (ironically it was a party game, at a friend's baby shower) instead of just discounting ipthw other person as being ridiculous/ blind/ etc. I get it. I mean... I have friends who get all goo goo eyed when the vacuuming has been done, and I just CANNOT relate. In fact, it kind of makes me shudder a bit. But squash me in a bear hug, and I feel the same durn way they do with Dyson. Most spouses share at least 1 language (how they related to begin with), but often miss the others completely (ESP if they did it on accident during courting... Like bringing gifts or texting a lot, or whatever... Because its "expected" but while it floats their partners boat, that tide just completely missed them. Huh? What tide? Ooooooooooh. You like it when I do x. Remember x. Remember x. What? X? What are you talking about? Q

A lot of this comes down to individuals, as well. Take my home teacher (please). I was in a car accident and severely injured my back, although luckily, in a way that left me ambulatory. (Yay!). But I couldn't twist, or bend, or lift ANYTHING (including just me... I was C3PO as far as movement went). So, bloke asks me if there's anything I need... And I say ACTUALLY, I've only been able to clean my house from waist up for about 4 months, now. Forget about the lawn. I could really use a hand doing a bit of a blitzkrieg on things that require bending sometime. ((I had been washing floors by scooting damp towels around with my feet. It wasn't a pit, but I couldn't do any better.)) HIS response was "Yeah, right. We all want a maid." Okay, dude. Whatever. I've been doing this on my own for months, I can just keep doing it on my own. I don't ask for help easily. But I'm also not a bitter person. I KNEW if I asked anyone else, there'd probably be a flood of offers. But I asked the wrong person. And 6 months later I could bend again. That isn't the church. It's not even churchy people. That's me + the wrong person. Pride + indifference = nada. Q

To clarify, I wasn't trying to say that they are mutually exclusive. Merely that I married : Intelligent & unkind OP married: Unintelligent & kind Of course there are people who are both. I was simply sharing my inverse experience. One of the exciting things about my exHusband when we first were together (first 3 or 4 years) was how smart he was. That ended up going horribly, horribly wrong... And is entirely my fault. Because I failed to look at the whole picture when dating him, and because I placed value in areas I PERSONALLY shouldn't. Ditto not leaving him then, but hanging tough for over a decade. Bad decision. I'm sure some people thrive on intellectual meanness, and hope his new wife is that sort. My belief is that there really are people for everyone. What's a deal breaker for one, may be an absolute requirement for another. My experience, though, shows that we often take for granted those selfsame traits which are requirements. Like I dated almost universally benevolent dictators (I like cocky, but despise arrogant... Live and learn). So when I dated the UNbenevolent guy... I completely missed how big of a jerk he was, because I took "decent human being" as a given. Nope. Come to find. Heart of Gold is a fairly rare trait. Hence the 2cents to the OP. Just my experience. Not trying to say there aren't mean idiots, or brilliant kind people.

Thanks for the FF versus Tipped comparison! S'one of those things about living on the road... I know generalities (like what it costs me and those around me) but the details often miss. It makes more sense, though, now why my neighbors (as if 2.90 isn't enough to gripe about) were griping so much: the otherwise-known-as-fastfood place they worked accepted tips. Shady. Truism anywhere: restaurant is a cutthroat business that will grind ya up and spit yah out. I served in some states where the owners NEVER fired anyone. They just didn't give them hours. Meant no unemployment costs amongst other things. Course, there are always other examples of really kind businesses. The hamburger joint I worked in not only paid a living wage, but paid $2000 per year in tuition (not reimbursement, would cut a check to the school, so they got people started who couldn't save up tuition) after working for a year. Plus some of the best benefits around (granted, hiring mostly college students decreases healthcare costs). 75yo mom&pop business. Wi wicked motivated staff & pick of applicants.

Where's the laugh button when you need it? Q

Lol. My mum used to frequently shout "God grant me a burst of patience!" I can't imagine why. We were all angels. Q

LOL. This is one of the nicer things about a newish religion. If some poor sot tried to write a book about Catholic or Buddhist outlaws... It would be too heavy to lift, and possibly need a ladder. Q

At our house the tooth fairy leaves golden dollars. 1 per tooth. Or Euros/yen/pesos dug out from old luggage if the tooth fairy gets caught out My oldest loses teeth at really unexpected intervals ... like yesterday. DUDE. That was a permanent tooth. Okay, you're going to have to pay the tooth fairy for that one. I'd say about $400 should cover it. Q

Here's some fun: Where my sister lives (Seattle, where I'm visiting! And it's sunny today!) CNAs make $9 per hour Fast Food makes $8.50 Poverty line for family of 3 is 40k (food stamps, full aid) STUDENT housing is $1600 per month BEFORE utilities and parking Cops & Firefighters make 85k* Compared to where I was last (Phoenix) Restaurant makes $2.90 (No idea about CNAs) Student housing is $500 w/ utilities paid Cops make 45k So.... 2 major cities... Cops make double (or half) Restaurant makes 3x (or 1/3) Housing is 4x as expensive Whoops.... Got started on the med stuff... Got sucked into the price of milk. Ahem. What my sister pays in UTILITIES paid my rent in Phoenix last month. Add them both together and they won't even scrape 1 month rent in DC (where I am next month). In general, I just look up Police & Fire salaries , and student housing, before I travel somewhere. That gives me a working idea as to middle class cost of living. Q

Whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

My ex-husband is wicked smart (I'm smarter in some ways, he's smarter in others... For example: He's more music & computers while I'm more science and art). After 11 years of marriage, I divorced the bloke, and came to the following PERSONAL conviction: I value kindness over intelligence. Hands down. Period. No competition. I can always go feed the elephant's child on campuses, conferences, computers... But the person I come HOME to? I don't care if they're a brick. As long as they're kind. Because coming home to anything less is soul killing. I've dated (and lived with, converted later) the "simple" good hearted kind of guy. He may be clueless about undifferentiated cells, or aperture, or whatever it is that I've just gone off and done... But what HE wanted was me happy. To see me excited. To facilitate that in whatever way he could. Just as I poured energy into things for him that made him happy. Wanting the best for the other person creates this kind of synergistic life. Hands down amazing. I really undervalued it when I had it. I should also add that divorcing a smart jerk made the divorce even uglier than the marriage. As he spent the next several years tormenting me for the fun of both doing it, and getting away with it. A kind person wouldn't do what he did, and a dumb person would get caught. Don't undervalue a good heart. Q

Bwaaaaaahahhaha... I just snorted soda all over my tablet. Q

You've probably caught on by now that many if not most converts have their :: blushes :: story or history. Heck. My girlfriends and I used to open the door nekkid and willfully try and subvert missionaries. Cummupance. 5:6 of us have converted over the past 20 years. All of us have boys. Quin

I've only worked for a small company once... And they did the monthly bday potluck thing. Every other job it's been HUGE companies/organizations (thousands to millions of employees)... And that's always been a free for all. Ex) at my old hospital "we" were known as a "party unit". We had weekly potlucks, random brownie parties, made a big deal about birthdays, etc. It's part of what made us a very competitive unit to get into (great work-life). We had the same budget as everyone else... We just pooled resources for fun stuff (like food & paintball & movie tix, etc.). The anesthesiologists tended to leech on (love those guys), and some other units did similar things (the anesthesiologists leeched on there, too!), and we'd snag friends from other departments... But it was our unit that was planning & executing for our unit, alone. EX2) I have friends at MS R&D. BEST trick or treat place if you're in Seattle over Halloween. The year I was back there, my friend said I had to come... And found they'd put the old R&D spirit into candy creation. There were graduated sizes of popcorn balls (baseball to too large to roll out the door) to see the largest size they could con parents into allowing their kids to take with them. I tend to gravitate towards these types of groups. I have friends, though, who HATE this kind of thing. They want work to be work and private life to be private and never the twain shall meet. I think there's a place for both types of personalities. But blending them... Where only SOME people are in on the party atmos... Regardless of whether they want to be or view it as an intrusion... Is a recipe for hurt feelings/ vicious politics/ general unhappiness. Q

LDS Family Services has grief counselors. I would very strongly urge you to call your Bishop first thing in the morning and set that up. For tonight: Kristin Brooks Hope Center - Hopeline. & 800 784 2433 800 SUICIDE Just because they're family, just because a person loves us, doesn't mean they'll say the right thing much less know why what they are saying is wrong. All my best Q

I have to admit to being totally surprised at how good this article was/is. As a parent we're constantly bombarded with all of this 'fear mongering + you're obviously an idiot' from sooooo many sources (like Did you KNOW?!?! Kids are blah blah blah normal, boring, duh, really? Oh vey. How stupid do you think we are?) that I set out to read he article braced for just more of the same old pail-banging. Yay! Decent quick article, from someone who works in the field, presenting solid research based knowledge coupled with humility. Rockin. Awesome. Score! Aside from being a deluged parent, lol, . I'm especially cynical as - convert - exMilitary - psych background - friends in sex research - I've taught sexEd (a lot, to various audiences: both religious and secular kids as well as military adults) Good find! Q

I sit in the back, as I'm quite tall and not fond of slouching. Living in a college family ward, we have new deacons ALL the time (every 3 months we gain/lose families). Sometimes they just plain and simple miscount -and are flaming red embarrassed-, other times they goof and give allergy-bread to the wrong people (we have celiacs and dairy allergies in my ward... I'm one of about half a dozen that have special bread). Point being... I take half sacrements rather often. I don't stress. God knows my heart. And I feel best about myself by smiling and waving the embarrassed deacon along rather than have the entire service postponed just for me. If the count is VERY off, there's really no choice, but it's usually just 1 or 2. Q

Sweetie... Remember where I said most people save A&P to take as their ONLY class that quarter? And the examples I listed? I really wasn't exaggerating, nor thinking less of you. The medical field has several "washout" classes. A&P is ALWAYS one of them. S you have to be really strategic about it (and other washout courses). It's part of the washout criteria: Is this person going to be dedicated enough to arrange their life in order to devote the time needed? Drop. The. Class. Then come back to it when you can do it as a solo (or solo with a fluff class like gym if you need credits for financial aid). The other class which is USUALLY a washout class at this level is o-chem. but in some areas it's inorganic chem, or microbio. Use this quarter to scope out (ask) which are the washout classes. Really. I wrote a ton last time, so I won't repeat it all, but go back and read. If I wrote what I usually do, there are a lot of tips in there. You aren't failing. This is normal. It's is what they're trying to do. It is exceptionally difficult. So drop the class instead of washing out.

Some/most of these are cultural Like the name thing. West Coast tends to be first names (Mike &Emily), southeast tends to be honorary + first name. Miss Emily, Mr.Mike. Midwest & North tends to be honorifics. Or the handicapped stall. In so,e geographic regions it stands empty until someone with gear or kids needs it. In most it gets used in rotation just like every other stall. It's not reserved for disabled people. I tend to practice pragmatic invisibility. Meaning that I generally follow local custom. Which is also what I teach my kids. Situational awareness. Q

Being a stay at home dad is a real job. A 14-18hour a day with weird breaks (naps) for the first 3-5 years, and then an 8-12 hour a day job once they're in school. If they're married to a decent person, they may have decent working conditions (days off and sick days), but it's still a hard job with long hours. Not sure your daycare costs, locally, but in my area infant daycare costs 1600-2500 per month. Meaning, at a bare minimum a SAHP saves the family 1600 a month, and often 5000 or more each month. Also in our area, we have lots of professional moms and SAHDs, although SAHMs still outnumber their male counterparts. Q

I'm imagining the following conversation with anyone NOT your bishop in leadership "I would rather die than be in this marriage" "You say that, but I'm sure you don't really mean-" "I tried to kill myself in February" "Let's get you a good divorce attorney." ... Sweetheart. You throw up a bunch of other information and all, but lets break it down. You. Tried. To. Kill. Yourself. That's not a warning sign. That's bursting through all the warning signs, breaking through the guard rail, and hurtling over the edge of a cliff. 1) Get in counseling IMMEDIATELY if you aren't already 2) Divorce BEFORE Death. Do NOT die to save your marriage. Period. That's not saving it. That's dying. That's death. That's waaaaaaaay worse than divorce. That's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. He doesn't have to be a bad person for divorce to be okay. He could be Mother Theresa cum Ghandi cum Santa. You don't need to come up with 1001 reasons to go. And you "can't" divorce unless you meet them all. So you might as well end your life since you "can't" end your marriage. Your life is worth more than that. Now. Could this be chronic depression, bipolar disorder, any of 50 neurological conditions that once you treat you'll be back in love/ have respect for/ etc.? Yep. Hence the counseling. Seperate. Get counseling. If you have a condition treat it. But do NOT put yourself in a position where you think your only avenue of getting out of your marriage is by ending your life. We live in a country where both men and women have the right to divorce or separate. They don't have to die. Q

Maybe some thoughts: - Midwest culture (meat & potatoes & dessert) - large families (not just childbearing, but that's a piece fo'sho, but also food on the table tends to be more filler less gourmet. Spaghetti by the 5 gallon, 10lbs of potatoes, tubs of butter, etc. Coming from a non-LDS large family there is a RULE at the table: The Quick & The Hungry. Every time I go to my Mum's I gain weight. I eat about 4x what I usually do just out of habit at her table. Dive in!) - focus on JOY (which can be rock climbing, but is ofen potlucks, big family meals every night, splurging on ice cream, playing Boardgames, going to drive ins, holiday baking, etc...a lot of food and sitting activities. As a JW comparison... JWs don't celebrate holidays, for example. No Christmas & birthday presents/parties will,keep,off holiday weight). - Ahem. Garments. Which will make you look fat even if your aren't. or at least add 10 pounds. Q

Nicorette rocks. I chewed gum while I worked, so that was no good (because I was still smoking, all the gum did was make me want to smoke), and patches were awful, but switching to the lozenges when I quit for real did the trick. Not saying true for all, just that I found what worked for me. I'm ADHD, so ill probably be on Nicorette forever, or close enough. Most people only have to pay through the nose for a few months. Switch, and then gradually lower the dose & frequency. I also got half shanghai'd into a quitting smoking blessing. Which, quite frankly, was amazing. I was a single mum as an investigator (still am, in point of fact, Men are awesome but I have no desire to be dating them in the near future)... "My" missionaries were former army, AirForce ROTC, and older siblings in large families. They were totally comfy with me. Some of he later ones (as a member/new member) get VERY nervous until they get to know me. There's rules about single females. To protect the missionaries and to protect the single females. (Like no meeting alone, or inside). Add in boobs (nursing), sex (where the kids come from), not wanting to be offenive about either, and being afraid of other people's kids, etc. as many young men are... Much less newer missionaries, only children, etc. ... ... And you end up with "they're more afraid of you than you are of them!" It does come out fairly "stiff", or standoffish. And then they know at, and try and overcompensate... And you get the exact mix you're talking about. Not that there's anything wrong or scary about YOU (or me, or whomever) They don't want to do anything wrong. And while its stereotypical that Mormons are big families, a LOT aren't. They're not used to nursing, diapr changes, talking at normal levels during nap time, that kids aren't breakable, etc. Q

Sucked into the Jack Reacher thriller series of late. Q

Ya know... I was something like a year into my first posting when a guy friend found out I'd never been taken "out" out. As in I come from the land of Dutch Dating, and tended to either date similar guys or not follow the "three Ps" (mostly impulse dates, and pooling cash). "That's it! We're going out for steak & dancing. Go shower. Put on something sparkly. My sister's would never forgive me if I didn't fix your "situation". Sheesh. Y'arent from Texas, that's for sure. You'd never put up with that kind of trash of you'd been raised right. What'll you put up with next? Ain't right." ROFL We had a lovely time. And, I've found, that every gesture of respect by BOTH parties should be heeded There's a big difference between showing respect for and buying affection, just as there is a difference between accepting graciously and using. Q