Quin

LOL! Exactly! I have a nonstandard rejection reflex. Every time someone gets all _________ (fill in your own adjective or invective), my first response is laughter/relief. Bullet. Dodged. I would hate to have invested time with someone so not only so low class, but also dishonest. At least the ________ guys saved me the trouble out the gate by being honest and showing me their true colors up front. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you for not wasting my time. It's a win/win situation. If I get a kind rejection, I know my taste is dead on, and that that's exactly the kind of decent person I want myself being attracted to. Good on me, and good on them. If I get a snarky one, booyah! Time to celebrate skipping out on misery! Q

"Feelins? You know who's got a lot of feelins? Blokes what bludgeon their wives to death with a golf trophy have FEELINS. Professionals have standards. Be polite. Be efficient. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet." This is what popped into my head. Which is a TeamFortress2 game trailer quote "Meet the sniper". . Which is a totally shoot em up toy soldier game. Each toy soldier describes themselves in the "meet the". The above is my second favorite quote. My first is him on the phone""(Aside) Ill be honest, my parents do NOT care for it. (On the phone) How many times do I have to tell you dad... I'm not a crazed gunman, I'm an assassin. The difference IS that one is a profession and the other is mental sickness. 2 minutes of various scenes Close scene, back on the phone Dad. Dad. Da-. Just put MUM on the phone." ROFL... So every time someone says "standards"... What LEAPS to mind is an Aussie voice saying Be polite. Be efficient. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet. I'm guessing that's not what you meant. Darn Pavlov!

There's a psychological principle that assigns blame & cause as a defense mechanism. Ex) THEY slipped because they're clumsy / careless/ weren't paying attention/ wearing stupid shoes/ etc. I slipped because I stepped on an icy patch You see it all the time. Every time the news shows a toddler falling out a window and people blame the parents. Every time someone treats a fat/ skinny/ frizzy/ whatever person badly. What it does is it makes people feel safe. Because "everything bad can be avoided". All of which is patently untrue. LOL, you're on the side of the angels on this issue, but you did it YOURSELF in your post. "I eat right & exercise" You assigned something you want to something you have control over. (As opposed to listing out the good 50+ out of your control causes that haven't affected you... Like major injury, Polynesian genes, medication, etc,) We don't have control. No parent in the history of the world has kept they eye on their child 24/7 (all parents sleep). Any toddler can fall out a window. It doesn't mean we should go out of our way to be stupid. Lets not wear 6" stilettos in the ice, or tell our kids to play on the freeway. But most UNWANTED things in life are fought against. So they happen despite precaution. By our brains saying "if I do this, the bad thing won't happen" we're protecting ourselves. By our brain saying "If the bad thing happened to someone they must not have been doing what I do" we're protecting ourselves. INSTEAD... They did everything I do p, and this still happened to them... Puts people in therapy. Most people CANNOT cope with "bad things happening to good people". Oh. That psych principle? It's called "blame the victim". We all do it. Look where you're going. I'm glad I bought enough firewood. Use your blinker, jerk. I eat right. I'm a good wife. Etc.

1) I used to be super tight with my son predivorce. But to keep him from having to deal with adult concerns/ worries/ hearing about all the crap his dad was putting me through/ not put him in the middle/ not talk negative,y about his father/ etc. I had to reeeeeally back away. I was going through an extremely AWFUL time, and I needed to be his mother, and not shove all my pain onto him for him to deal with. This was exacerbated by it being a domestic violence divorce. He's ticked at me (still) for pulling back... But when it's all you can do not to cry (or scream, fall apart)... Sometimes the face you present to the world is a little "stiff". Especially when it's someone you are trying to protect. And it gets even stiffer when his dad starts getting all manipulative with my son and I want to launch into a tirade but am literally biting my tongue, force a smile, and try to focus on the good part (yep. My ex may be using our son, but at least he was nice to him. Which means my son is happier & not having to put up with his dads temper for those 5 minutes). Breathe. Smile. Tell the truth "I'm so happy things are getting better for you, kiddo." But NOT the whole truth "And when Jerkface hurts you by doing xyz next week, with this abc thing you're so happy about this week as the platform because he's manipulating you, I'll be there. And I wont link the two. I wont point out how youre being used. I'll let you enjoy the moment. Because more than anything I want you to be happy." He won't appreciate this superhuman effort, hopefully ever, and at the very least not for years (but I really hope he has better sense than to marry an abusive jerk). If he makes my mistake, and has to sacrifice his relationship with his child to protect them, it will break my heart. This is the worst kind of pain imaginable. Evenday i just wanted to take him and run to the ends of fhe earth and never have to deal with his dad, ever again. instead i had/have to keep,sending him to be with a charming monster. So I really hope he never knows. In the meantime, he got the "stiff & kind of distant" version of me for about a year and a half (until his dad got bored and stopped messing with me. Which is an eternity to a kid. And I know it. But my only other choice was to make him miserable. I HATE this choice. But the alternative is worse. The upside... My son was young enough (middle school) that he had to wait it out. We're back to normal (mostly) now. Your solution... You're not close anymore so you're leaving to not be close at all... Is something ***I*** would so have done. Heck, I did. But older... I enlisted in the military. Which is major distance. So take this as a warnig: it's almost impossible to get close to someone you're not around. Closeness requires presence and effort. Not cutting and running like I did. Now, I'm not saying dont move... I don't know you, or your mom, lr your dad. This is JUST my experiemce. Just do be sure to think about what you actually want. If you want to be close, leaving is rarely the way to get there. All my best, Quin

The VW JettA had a reboot problem aout 10 years agp for NYC drivers... The computer was set to "sleep" if the car wasn't run more than once a day. So my city friends, who drive on the weekends IF that (monthly drivers more often) would try to start "sleeping" (dead) cars... And have to have them towed. After a few dozen tows (and increasingly vehement phonecalls to VW) the problem was fixed. SUCH a suburban mentality.... If you own a car... You must drive it every day. Right? right??? Nope.

A thought I'd like people's opinions on... Something I've been toying around with: Premise: A priest's job description is forgiveness. But we need fighters. Those who stand up for the defenseless. Those who stay wary. Those who speak up for the victims, and those who prevent victimization from happening in the first place. Those who accept that forgiveness is divine, and repentance happens, but who are not required to exercise it above common sense. Men are priests. Women are guardians. We need both. Thoughts? Q

Unless people took the Aussie PMs speech about stagnant population several years back to heart and "did their patriotic duty". I about fell off my chair laughing when he finished his speech by saying he just knew people were going to rush home and do their patriotic duty tonight! It was in the late 90s... So it's possible. It's become my personall euphemism. Q

I would suspect, as this is a domestic violence case, that the notification may be legally required. Depends on the restraining order wording. Not that the courts have any say over the church, but there are often exceptions made or protocols to be followed (when my ex and I were both in the hospital with my son, the 500meter bit has a clause that means he can't be arrested as long as reasonable precautions are made to limit contact. Aka if he's in a different room, and no messages are passed, as I also have a no contact order in place). I'm lucky, however, in that my ex was never a member of the church... So I don't have personal experience in how the church would deal with members in a domestic violence / restraining order situation. Doubly lucky, scanning through some responses, if the attitude of domestic violence and personal safety is considered petty / mocking / belittling / destructive behavior that a person should be dissuaded from. Yikes. Q

We have a $3 cinema near us, as well! Ancient old theatre (red velvet covered everything, Art Deco lights, test the seats before sitting, or you might just be impaled or slid onto a floor washed sometime during the Carter administration, etc.), movies frequently already ARE on DVD (or about to be).... But it's lovely. It was only $2 twenty years ago, but I don't hunk I can complain! There are so,e public park movies... But whomever set the dates this year apparently conferred with the rain gods ahead of time (in the most insulting way possible)... As every single show has been rained out. Q

Quite frankly, I don't see how ANY country could sidestep an invitation that basically says "send us your spies". Although it makes one a bit nervous as to what they intend to do with them once they're there. That, or this is one of the best pieces of long-con diplomacy bearing fruit that I've come across. "The violence has spurred Baghdad to seek new U.S. aid to curb the threat, said Iraqi Foreign Minister Foreign Minister Hoshyar Zebari. He said a U.S. assistance package could include a limited number of advisers, intelligence analysis and surveillance assets - including lethal drones." It does make one wonder, through, if we do send a largely diplomatic/intelligence corps over... Exactly what impact on the private security/mercenary presence we have there. Q

Oy! My brain hurts. #11 did me in. It was like walking through a Vegas slot machine of Christian Catchphrases. Or having Robin Williams conduct the service. No no noooooo. Make it stop. I need a whirly-eyed emoticon, please. I'm also a little unsettled about: *8. I consider myself active in a congregation if I attend I consider myself active in a congregation if I attend - Every few months - Twice a month - Once or twice every 3 months - Once or twice a year - I don't attend church Blink blink. I don't think ANY of these match my consideration. It's always a bad sign when I start arguing with the multiple choice tests. Q

Look up his/her name... See if they've been booted from another university (happens a lot, and it's grounds to drop without penalty if they're up to shenanigans in round 2). Failing that... Make sure you have a friend in the class so you can turn to them periodically and say "We HATES her, precious, we hates her." For general moral building.

How about city water supply is tainted, main breaks, company adds a few zeros to your bill and you have to prove you DON'T owe $5,000 before they'll turn it back on? Meanwhile, everything else still stands: got to get up and get to work. How about you break your leg and your car breaks down and your phone falls in the toilet? (Pizza guys will usually grocery shop for you, but you can't call them if your phone went swimming in the loo). How about catching the flu (real flu) and you're quarantined inside your home for 15 days? We tend to think of "emergency preparedness" as bombs, tsunamis, plague... But they are (in the west) far more likely to be personal tragedy than regional catastrophe. I've lived through all 3 of the above. As well as regional "state of disaster". Believe me... Most of the time I'd rather be kicking it off grid. But I have a job to get to, kids to feed, bills to pay, toilets to flush. Being prepared for the "minor" things ... Can turn 3-5 weeks of tragedy into "no big deal. We had plenty of _______ to see us through." Q

Canada also has the entire HM army/navy/air/SS 5&6/ etc. behind her... Which I think a lot of Americans forget. Aussies,GB, CA... Each with their own PMs, but all under 1 crown. And then, also us jarheads (and squids, grunts, air farce) down here... Because they're not only our largest trading partner, but when we don't have an international catastrophe at the helm beating our best and longest allies about like a piñata... The Commonwealth is armed to the teeth. ... Q, formerly one of Uncle Sams Misguided Children, who thoroughly appreciates the ratio of 1 Mountie : 1 riot. Crazy Canuks welcome on my flank any day of the durn week. Course, then Ill rib the blazes outta you, but hey. What's a little healthy competition between people carrying fully automatic weapons? Nothing could POSSIBLY go wrong.

It's less like a dance dip, and more like leaning back to wash your hair in the shower. I'm over 6 feet tall (the joke was we'd have the 4'10 Thai missionary baptize me). The water was up to my waist. I just "bent my knees" as if to sit Water up to my shoulders Head tipped back Under for an eternity in half a second And up. No fuss. No muss.

I suspect it's a squares & rectangles kind of thing. As in most people who would just abandon their kids, would also leave the church. (All squares re rectangles) But not all people who leave the church would abandon their kids. (But not all rectangles are squares). Q

Headsmack! I humbly hand over my Thinkgeek points and titanium spork. Kirk-it. Check. Q

I am beyond ticked that "ours" closed this summer. Adding insult to injury, they didn't notify us until the start of the season (closed from Sept-May). Sniff! Ours is in parentheses because it was a 2 hour drive away. Nearest next is a couple states over. Q

I just make sure not to Spock it and say I'm LSD. B) Q

1) peanutbutter, bananas, honey Or... Even better... Throw the peanut butter out the door for the dog & break out the good stuff :) 2) Almond butter & honey 3) Almindbutter & freezer jam (any fruit) 4) Nutella & marshmallow fluff (known as a fluffer-nutter in SoCal) 1-4 bread optional. A spoon works just as handily. If planning on peanut butter & honey spoon... Break out a paper cup to hold and garnish with wheat germ. Hey. We were poor, but we were creative! ((I refuse peanut butter, pickles, & mayonnaise. Which I swear is a pregnant lady contraption, but it's 20yo guys who I see eating it all the time)). Q

Wanna know something scary? My mom's friend (engineer) was working on that waaaaaay back in the 80s. Like 1985. They were hoping to be functioning by 1990 in SoCal. 30 years later.... Q

I'm actually hearing a lot of "she's not good enough for me anymore" in a lot of your post. Not flat out, but as the undercurrent. I'd lay money on he table that she's feeling very - inferior - inadequate - not good enough - shame/guilt/fear/ - unappreciated - worthlessness Which is reeeeeally hard to live wih. I'm not saying you're doing this on purpose.... But unless you're VERY careful "self improvement" can turn on its head and come out as "what I had before is inferior/ YOU are inferior". Being careful can be as easy as ASKING. Like "Hey, gorgeous? I was thinking of trying out these recipes.... Do you mind if I use the kitchen/ is there a good time/ anything i should use for x or not use for x etc." Because it shows - that you realize she may need the space/ implements you're using/ have plans to be in there the same time/ other logistical matters - that you want to include her / value her time and opinion and experience - that this is an addition not a supplanting or insult It's not that you need permission, it's simply polite... And it turns a "You're so incompetent and your food is so gross and I don't care about the years you've spent, or your plans for this kitchen today or meals for the week, or the budget you have to adhere to... because youre mot even worth taking 10 seconds to ask" insult into a nonissue. ANOTHER thing is to put the shoe on the other foot. Which is a cousin to the golden rule. I'm going to keep using the kitchen example because it's handy: It's obvious that you don't care about the kitchen, so pick something you DO care about. So,etching you've invested a lot of time and energy and thought into... That you would feel hurt/ betrayed/ upset over... And use THAT as your parallel. This means knowing about what she cares about... So you can assign equal value. Ex) if You'd LOVE it if someone took over doing your job as long as you got the same paycheck is not an equal value item.. But if you'd feel about finding out she got you fired or demoted at work because your boss found out how much better she is than you, and how superior her work is to your substandard work...mthen use that as a parallel. If you'd feel horribly offended and supplanted if she took your car to the mechanic, use that. Q

Here's a middle ground: If you don't want to ask him out on a date... Invite him to come to a - group thing (a bunch of us are going to xyz on Tuesday, wanna come?) - a not-date. Meaning before 2pm, costs less than $5, lasts for 20 minutes. Aka ice cream. Or hot chocolate. The first is risky, if you want to avoid telling hmi you like him. Because a lot of us outgoing sorts invite all sorts of people to all sorts of things. So there isn't the automatic assumption that you find him reasonably decent to delicious. A tetė téte, on the other hand, definitely tells him you'd like to at LEAST pursue a friendship... And lobs the ball into his court. If he wants to ask you out, he will. * Men are notoriously clueless. I've literally had (non-lds) guy friends think the naked girl who crawled into bed with them had just been in the wrong hotel room (military often has multihotel room parties). so they'd gotten up, dressed, and crashed with a buddy in another room. Anything LESS than "I like you. Want to go on a date?" can be misconstrued. As friendship, pity, obligation, confusion, etc. My PERSONAL recommendation is to tell him, straight up, that you like him. Q

Back on target: about half my ward is Democrat. Whether its just from living in a very diverse / loving / welcoming ward... Or whether its church policy... There is the utmost level of respect for differing political views. Around election time we are charged with the mandate to educate ourselves and vote our consciences. There is absolutely NO pressing for one candidate over another, much less one party over the other. Theres some joshing between people, but no demonizing. It's a lovely and refreshing experience So,.. Yep. Also... Considering that there are Mormons in socialist & socialized med & socialized education countries (which is almost the entire rest of the free & first world), as well as the US Military (which is socialized everything)... It would seem we can have faithful LDS in all 3 political predilections posted. B) Q

I don't just look at introvert extrovert... I prefer the psych model that defines introversion as getting your energy from time by ones self (and exerting energy around others), and extroversion as e reverse: getting your energy from being around people, being by yourself is exhausting. Which creates a 4part: Outgoing Extrovert Shy extrovert (classic wall flower) Outgoing introvert Shy introvert Me'self... I'm an outgoing introvert: I love people... But they exhaust me. For my kind... 1) I carefully budget my social time. I know for a fact any "big" social outing (2-200) will need about 3 hours of down time following it. By myself. With a book. Or movie. Or whatever. No kids. No husband. No trips out in public. Just. Me. So I tend to arrange or agree to social things - right after dropping my boys at school - in the evening at their bedtime (either coming home at bedtime to put them in bed so I can zone out, or leaving after their bedtime so they're asleep when I come home). ((This means I looooooove Wednesdays. Perfect for me. But pass on a lot of other social events. ESP right after church or brunch before church. Ditto stuff that goes until the end of school, and then I have to race to pick him up.)) 2) I carefully guard my alone time. Which might sound obvious with #1... But it took me YEARS to figure out that my need for alone time is both valid and necessary. It's NOT "doing nothing". It's self care. If I'm going to be social I HAVE to create downtime to compensate... Or I start to "hermit". Refuse to go anywhere because I know how tired I'm going to be. Not shyness. Just self protection. If I don't have time to recuperate (and the chutzpah to do so, instead of cleaning/errands/etc.) then I don't go out. So I go out FAR less than many, but keeping that balance lets me go out. I just calculate out an extra couple hours into every event. ________ Shy extroverts are "simple" solution wise.... They need a Shepard. Someone to drag them along, insert them into situations they want to be in but are too timid dive into, the,selves. I've done this for a number of friends. If you're a shy extrovert .. You need an outgoing extrovert or an outgoing introvert to link arms with you. I nicknamed myself the "Gold Engraved Invitation" at one duty station. Because SHYNESS is a learned trait. It can be unlearned, or relearned. Over time. But it really does mean the stars have to align, or a person has to be really determined. ________ I'm assuming you're either a shy extrovert or an outgoing introvert (since shy introverts have no desire to be social. If I'm wrong and you're asking how to make people leave you alone... I apologize for misunderstanding). Q