Manners Matter

Just to reiterate what Neuro said - You first look to yourself and family before going to the Church for help. I've also heard that people are encouraged to avail themselves of govt assistance as well (this didn't used to be the case). Anyway, too few understand how Church Welfare is really supposed to work. Oh, she should also not be surprised to be asked what she can do in return (ie clean the church building, etc).

No - you didn't catch where I said that "the receiver should see the effort and the giver should try to adjust the language they're speaking". Anyway - as to your examples. A different approach is warranted. With Amy, a 'love sandwich' would probably be better than a straight out, to-the-point approach. For example, "I really care about you and want the best for you. I'm concerned about this habit and where it could lead. I'm ready and willing to help however I can. Again, I love you and see so much potential in you". haven't read all the responses so pardon me if this backtracks - just wanted to respond since I was tagged

A couple thoughts - I recently saw a headline about leaked documents from the Iowa school system and what teachers are forced to classify as racist thanks to CRT. You might want to google it. My other thought - Years ago, a RS teacher shared a quote from Ezra Taft Benson saying that in the last days, most would be teaching their kids at home (I've looked for the quote from time to time and haven't found it yet). Anyway, how much nonsense does there need to be before parents finally say enough and pull their kids out for good whether it's crt, violence, bullying, lack of morality in the halls, etc?

What comes to my mind at first pass - Some people have such walls up that no matter what you do/say, they won't 'feel the love'. Another way to look at it is everyone has a bucket but if someone's bucket is full of holes, you can't fill it fast enough for them to feel like the love is adequate to fill their need. Another thought - If a person's love language* isn't words but that's all they hear, it won't feel like they're loved. With this in mind, to your question I think it's on the receiver to try to see the effort and on the giver to try to adjust the love language they might not normally speak once the feeling of lack is understood. (hope that makes sense) *service, quality time, words of affirmation, touch/affection, gifts - book by Gary Chapman

One other thought re: encouragement - Acknowledge that there are legit reasons for not attending the temple (ie health - which is not always visible, shared; distance, etc) but having a current recommend is an indication of your willingness even though circumstances may prevent it. Also, share quote/s about keeping it current and point out this is one way to 'follow the prophet'/'if by my own voice or voice of my servant it is the same'.

As far as encouragement - people respond to being inspired, not told. I've read/heard a couple things in recent years that helped me see the bigger picture/different perspective which in turn led to having a better view of the importance of keeping it current regardless of proximity/ability to attend. Unfortunately, my memory is vague but one was along the lines of 'if you're anxious to experience the Millennium, the temple will be a big part of that so you may as well adjust your attitude now and give temple/fam hist a higher priority and show that you're ready to participate during that incredible time period. (this could be worded better but that's a rough idea) Also, a reminder that the things we're asked to do are for our benefit.

A couple things that came to my mind of why there might be hesitancy: ~ Sometimes people really aren't aware it has lapsed and a call from the exec sec is what it takes. (not everyone lives close enough to a temple to attend on a regular basis so don't notice the exp date) ~ Shallow but - knowing that the bishop you don't jive with (putting it nicely) will be released soon and/or you'll be moving so just wait to avoid said bishop. ~ Less than pleasant experiences in the past (ie along the lines of guilt/grilled - 'why haven't you come sooner'; 'when was the last time you attended the temple').

The thoughts that came to my mind: The yoke of keeping the Word of Wisdom is easy compared to the burden of addiction, cost to support the bad habit/s, withdrawal, staying clean, etc. The yoke of doing family history work is easy compared to the blessings you get in return = light burden. The yoke of emergency prep is easy when you consider the peace of mind you have. Being unprepared for what is to come is the heavy burden! Regarding your statement that the gospel is hard to live - it's harder for those who look at it that way. Maybe Christ saying this is to help us look at things differently since the world/Satan would have you believe otherwise. Also, growth doesn't always have to come from hard work/experiences. There is also growth when you say 'no' to things (ie gambling, tattoos...) and live with integrity and a clear conscience. Hope this helps a bit and that your talk goes well.

Personally, it doesn't matter to me. However, I do think that women can add a different perspective at times which is valuable.

One other thing, he may be starting to wonder/worry about what he's going to share in his homecoming talk. Writing down ways he has gained a greater appreciation for Joseph Smith and the Savior could help with this and it could be quite powerful and helpful for others.

Great - shifting to doing is a good move. Here's what I would suggest: Send him a daily pick me up/reminder for the next 3 months: ~ the article I posted above ~ the story I shared above ~ the experience Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley told about when he was on a mission and wrote to his father and his father's response was to 'forget yourself and get to work' ~ an 'endure to the end' image ~ a 'bloom where you're planted' rendering ~ "it's not where you serve, but how you serve" ~ "if He can bring you to it, He can get you through it" ~ potter's hands saying/poem ~ the pict of the child holding a stuffed animal and saying 'but I want it' and Jesus holding a bigger one behind Him ~ success is spelled e-n-d-u-r-e-s ~ 'if your tests in life bring you closer to Christ, you've passed!' ~ "we don't always get what we want, but we get what we need" ~ 'bitter or better' ~ 'shrink or soar' ~ a simple "you can do it" ~ recipe for lemonade ('when life gives you lemons...) ~ line graph that shows how short 1 year is in the big scheme of things (ie _______________________ -________________________________________________________________) I would alternate these with some funny things: ~ mission cartoons from the New Era (google Val Chadwick Bagley, Ryan Stoker, Kevin Beckstrom...) ~ funny smilies And of course scriptures: ~ D&C 122 And lyrics: ~ the Test by Janice Kapp Perry You could also find/create wordsearches, crosswords with specific words (ie persistence, determination...) Gratitude is powerful so I would also challenge him to write something down every day that he's grateful for about his mission (didn't have to tract in the rain, my feet and knuckles don't have callouses from walking/knocking, nice dinner dropped off, not chased by dogs, bike/car didn't break down...) Service is also huge so have him report who/how he helped someone every day - big or small.

Just remembered this (could also be called "welcome to life"): WELCOME TO HOLLAND by Emily Perl Kingsley c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this...... When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting. After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland." "Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy." But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met. It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

On 4/15/2021 at 6:33 PM, Comp said: /snip/ I wonder if my kids will be better off going to college instead of on a mission, because it didn't turn out well this time and I'm scared to do it again. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm sorry this is challenging. A few thoughts: My husband had a very difficult mission and doesn't have fond memories and great mission stories to share in talks, etc. But he stuck it out which I'm sure prepared him for disappointments that have happened since. So no, not all missions are 'the best 2 years' and your son is finding this out but do not let his experience derail what your other kids may need/have. (On a side note, there was an occasion that my husband eluded to how difficult his mission was and a mom of teenage boys thanked him for his honesty as it helped her and her sons. Perhaps your son will be in a unique position to buoy others up down the road.) The following helped my husband on his mission and perhaps it will help you and your missionary (from BYU Commencement address): ... Now some of you as you go forward are going to meet with disappointment—perhaps many disappointments, some of them crucial. Sometimes you will wonder if God has forgotten you. Sometimes you may even wonder if He lives and where He has gone. But in these times when so many are saying God is dead and when so many are denying His existence, I think I could not leave with you a better message than this: God is aware of you individually. He knows who you are and what you are, and, furthermore, He knows what you are capable of becoming. Be not discouraged, then, if you do not get all the things you want just when you want them. Have the courage to go on and face your life and, if necessary, reverse it to bring it into harmony with His law. Could I tell you just a quick story out of my own experience in life? Sixty-odd years ago I was on a farm in Canada. I had purchased the farm from another who had been somewhat careless in keeping it up. I went out one morning and found a currant bush that was at least six feet high. I knew that it was going all to wood. There was no sign of blossom or of fruit. I had had some experience in pruning trees before we left Salt Lake to go to Canada, as my father had a fruit farm. So I got my pruning shears and went to work on that currant bush, and I clipped it and cut it and cut it down until there was nothing left but a little clump of stumps. And as I looked at them, I yielded to an impulse, which I often have, to talk with inanimate things and have them talk to me. It’s a ridiculous habit. It’s one I can’t overcome. As I looked at this little clump of stumps, there seemed to be a tear on each one, and I said, “What’s the matter, currant bush? What are you crying about?” And I thought I heard that currant bush speak. It seemed to say, “How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as large as the fruit tree and the shade tree, and now you have cut me down. And all in the garden will look upon me with contempt and pity. How could you do it? I thought you were the gardener here.” I thought I heard that from the currant bush. I thought it so much that I answered it. I said, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. If I let you go the way you want to go, you will never amount to anything. But someday, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to think back and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’” Ten years passed, and I found myself in Europe. I had made some progress in the First World War in the Canadian army. In fact, I was a field officer, and there was only one man between me and the rank of general, which I had cherished in my heart for years. Then he became a casualty. And the day after, I received a telegram from London from General Turner, who was in charge of all Canadian officers. The telegram said, “Be in my office tomorrow morning at ten o’clock.” I puffed up. I called my special servant. (We called them “batmen” over there.) I said, “Polish my boots and my buttons. Make me look like a general, because I am going up tomorrow to be appointed.” He did the best he could with what he had to work on, and I went to London. I walked into the office of the general. I saluted him smartly, and he replied to my salute as higher officers usually do to juniors—sort of a “Get out of the way, worm.” Then he said, “Sit down, Brown.” I was deflated. I sat down. And he said, “Brown, you are entitled to this promotion, but I cannot make it. You have qualified and passed the regulations, you have had the experience, and you are entitled to it in every way, but I cannot make this appointment.” Just then he went into the other room to answer a phone call, and I did what most every officer and man in the army would do under those circumstances: I looked over on his desk to see what my personal history sheet showed. And I saw written on the bottom of that history sheet in large capital letters: “THIS MAN IS A MORMON.” Now at that time we were hated heartily in Britain, and I knew why he couldn’t make the appointment. Finally he came back and said, “That’s all, Brown.” I saluted him, less heartily than before, and went out. On my way back to Shorncliffe, 120 kilometers away, I thought every turn of the wheels that clacked across the rails was saying, “You’re a failure. You must go home and be called a coward by those who do not understand.” And bitterness rose in my heart until I arrived, finally, in my tent, and I rather vigorously threw my cap on the cot, together with my Sam Browne belt. I clenched my fist, and I shook it at heaven, and I said, “How could you do this to me, God? I’ve done everything that I knew how to do to uphold the standards of the Church. I was making such wonderful growth, and now you’ve cut me down. How could you do it?” And then I heard a voice. It sounded like my own voice, and the voice said, “I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to be. If I let you go the way you want to go, you will never amount to anything. And someday, when you are ripened in life, you are going to shout back across the time and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’” Those words—which I recognize now as my words to the currant bush and that had become God’s word to me—drove me to my knees, where I prayed for forgiveness for my arrogance and my ambition. As I was praying there, I heard some Mormon boys in an adjoining tent singing the closing number to an M.I.A. session, which I usually attended with them. And I recognized these words, which all of you have memorized: It may not be on the mountain height Or over the stormy sea; It may not be at the battle’s front My Lord will have need of me; But if, by a still, small voice he calls To paths that I do not know, I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine: I’ll go where you want me to go. . . . So trusting my all to thy tender care, And knowing thou lovest me, I’ll do thy will with a heart sincere; I’ll be what you want me to be. [“It May Not Be on the Mountain Height,” Hymns,1948, no. 75] My young friends and brothers and sisters, will you remember that little experience that changed my whole life? Had the Gardener not taken control and done for me what was best for me, or if I had gone the way I wanted to go, I would have returned to Canada as a senior commanding officer of western Canada. I would have raised my family in a barracks. My six daughters would have had little chance to marry in the Church. I myself would probably have gone down and down. I do not know what might have happened, but this I know, and this I say to you and to Him in your presence, looking back over sixty years: “Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down.” Now I leave with you my testimony, and I received this testimony from the same source that Jesus said inspired Peter when he said, “Thou art the Christ.” Whatever undertakings may demand of you and of your attention, I tell you, young men and young women, you cannot make a better resolution today than this: “I am going to keep close to the Lord. I am going to understand Him better, and, understanding Him, I will understand myself and will try to put my life into harmony with His.” For I have come to know that every man and every woman has potential godhood dwelling in him, for God is in reality the Father of us all. I leave you my blessing: God bless these young people. They are looking forward hopefully and gleefully to the experiences of life. Oh, Father, be with and sustain them, uphold them, deepen their testimonies, keep them true to the faith and true to themselves. Father, bless them that they may live up to the best traditions of our country and be proud of the fact that they graduated from a Church-owned and Church-operated school, where they were taught these precious truths concerning the purpose of their life and their relationship to Deity, I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. Hugh B. Brown was first counselor in the First Presidency of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when this commencement address was given on 31 May 1968.

I would suggest he shift his thinking. It could be that he'll have better comps, more positive experiences, enjoy the area more, etc in his new assignment. The sooner he looks at this as an opportunity, the better off he'll be. Besides, the grass is not always greener after all. Let me also add that the coming years may very well require adaptability in various ways so this is a chance to flex his ability to be flexible. It could really help him in the long run!!

Thanks for the replies. Sorry if I wasn't clear @Carborendum @estradling75 - Yes, I've been handed that paper at tithing settlement. Thanks for the explanation. @NeuroTypical - I don't want to go into what took place and I know I could've reported it but I tried to see it as him being overly concerned/confused instead of no$y. He also has a lot of clout and I just wanted to take the high road and move on though I obviously am being more guarded in regards to him.

I'm going to be moving and I'm wondering a couple things: 1 - What all is included in the records that are sent to the new unit (ie how long I was in each ward/branch, what callings I've had, etc)? Basically, what will the new leaders already know about me? I've been curious but have never known. 2 - I'm tired of my current ward clerk knowing my business (he's overstepped at times) and I'd prefer he didn't know where I'm going to be. I know I can reach out to the new ward clerk when I get there and have him request my records but will this make it so the current one is unaware of where I am or is there no way around this? (I know this may seem odd but I want a fresh start and it would feel more like that if I were able to cut ties in the way I prefer).

"Sometimes we may feel that we are being generous in giving them much without their giving any service in return, that maybe we are generous and that we are kind; but we are really unkind. It works the other way. We are unkind if we teach people to take without giving, without doing what they can do within reason" (Spencer W. Kimball) "It is a law of heaven, and one we haven’t learned fully here on earth, that you cannot help people permanently by doing for them what they can do, and should do, for themselves." (Ezra Taft Benson)

Does anyone know of some good facebook groups (or similar) to suggest to a single, 50-something lady living in the South? She's not of our faith but could use a group of supportive friends and a community of welcoming Saints would hopefully be a positive experience for her. Thanks for any ideas!

You totally missed my point. <shrug>

I think parent involvement has been a problem too often and it seems Salt Lake is trying to change that. If I were a leader, I wouldn't want to hinder the shift so I would try the following options: ~ Email the parents (cc the prim counselor) explaining how you want to support the home-centered program and ask they respond with the goals their child/ren have decided on so you can make plans. If they don't respond to the email, stop them in the hall at church and be enthusiastic about helping them (enthusiasm goes over better than impatience, for lack of a better term). ~ First activity in January is a parent night (invite prim and bishopric counselors). Set up different seating stations and have copies of the guidebook. When they're done with their chat, they give you a copy of their goals and enjoy refreshments while they wait for the others to finish. Once everyone is done, the bishopric counselor then emphasizes the importance of the change and how it will only be successful with the parents. You can then share your excitement for this calling and also lay the ground rules (ie parents of those that misbehave will be expected to attend until the behavior improves, etc). Then end with a fun game. If attendance is low, repeat later when you need more goals to support with activities.

Chiming in again - I think it's going to be important for parents/leaders to teach/encourage a 'growth mindset' with all this (google it). Sometimes a person doesn't reach their goal and/or things don't go the way you hope and resilience, perseverance are important things to learn. Seeing mistakes as effort and not failure can make a big difference as well as understanding the idea of 'progress not perfection'. A leader can help Sam understand that winning the race isn't important but finishing is.

Remember the point is for it to be 'home-centered, church supported'. So - parents sit down with their kid/s and come up with goals in the various categories. You then ask the parents what those goals are and come up with activities and then inform them what you're doing when so they can see how you (the church) is supporting their family/kids objectives. A leader designing things with the kids sounds like the parents are getting bypassed when they should be front and center. For example - Sam sits down with mom and dad and decides he'd like to run a 5k. Great! So mom & dad let you know that and you tell them you'll plan an activity that will help increase his fitness/stamina. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, mom & dad are encouraging their son to put down the video games and run some laps because the race is coming up. They're still the ones to make sure he's ready and shows up but you planned and did something to be supportive and help Sam reach his worthy goal.

You/your wife: ~ Make sure you're planning activities with variety in mind (out of their seats part of the time; games, etc) ~ Have wiggle activities before starting (ie hokey pokey, dance routine things on youtube, etc) ~ If you have treats, only have them at the end and for those who acted appropriately ~ Work with their different natures and needs as best you can (ie some are social, some need connection, some need physical outlets, some need intellectual stimulation) The kids: ~ If there's a ring leader, take them aside and get them to be part of your team. If they have a 'special assignment' it might do the trick to turn things around. ~ You might need to have a chat with all of them. Reminding them that: - they wouldn't get away with this behavior at school so why doesn't church/the Lord's house get the same (or better) respect - these activities are a privilege, not a right - they are wanted here but if they can't behave/disrupt things for the others/choose not to participate, they will be given chores (ie scrub the crayon marks off tables and chairs - have a stack in the room and some cleaner and towels so they know you're serious) The leaders/parents: ~ Need to be aware of what's going on ~ May need to take turns attending ~ Need to be told to make sure their kids are climbing trees/running around *outside* for at least 30 minutes every day, especially before activities ~ Need to be told to limit sugar and screen time ~ Need to be reminded that you/your wife are volunteers! Hope some of this helps and that things improve soon.

Leave Santa at the mall.

Didn't read all the comments so this may have been mentioned. I see this as an age issue, not a religious one. To me, once a child is married (or of age to have graduated college), they're on their own* so I wouldn't feel guilty about helping the 18 year old and not the older set. You can still support your daughter … with letters and watching over the house (if that's feasible). Regarding concern over treating them differently, you can solve that by having things even with an inheritance. *in case anyone thinks this is cold/harsh: - you have to cut the apron strings at some point and as long as everyone understands when that will be, there shouldn't be an issue - I know someone that still pays for some things for her adult and married daughter as if it's a way to have some control/say in her life - not healthy for any of them