Misshalfway

Alright you guys. Lay off Leah. She feels strongly about things. That's all.

If only it was set to music.

But....blowing things out of proportion is so fun.

Well, we could try coming down here without agency. That would be....interesting.

Actually no. I think it had more to do with God revealing to me what He was doing inside my partner and I and how He was using our trials. My attitude through the whole thing really hasn't been all that great.

I'd recommend cherry bombs outside your landlords house.

You know what? I love how you start all your posts, Finrock. You are always so warm. Thanks for doing that! It makes a difference. Feeling a little of your sunshiney warmth has made a difference to me and I wanted you to know.

So....we had these mudslides in our neighborhood and lots of homes were damaged. One of the effected families is on my VTing list. We've been visiting her for about a year...my partner and I. The day after the mudslide I made a call to the RS pres to keep me informed. And my companion and I agreed to keep each other informed about our sister in light of all the commotion. At the very same time earlier this month, another sister on our list was hit by a car and almost lost her leg. She's currently in a wheelchair and needs help with various things. I didn't find out about this event until yesterday when I spoke with my companion over the phone. Come to find out, that my companion has known about this for weeks and has been shuttling dinners, tending kids, and going over for supportive visits. But she didn't involve me in any of it. I also found out that she has been serving our mudslide sister in the same way.....getting needset info from the RSP and then acting independently to meet the need. I came away from this phone call feeling quite badly about the whole thing. I guess I feel excluded and forgotten and frankly a little T.O.ed. I've known my partner for a long time. She's amazingly loving and incredibly capable, like so many of us mormon women. She can make a meal in a minute and spin a service project on her pinky finger! But I wonder if she NEEDS this for her ego. I wonder if she NEEDS to be the star of the show and if others talents or involvement threatens her in some way. With tears I couldn't conceal, I told my companion how her behavior made me feel especially after we promised each other that we'd coordinate together. I told her how I needed the chance to serve too and how it sometimes feels like the "overachiever" in RS sisters can sometimes crowd people out. She apologized. I was gracious about it. But I come away from it feeling like this stuff happens a lot. My previous companion would always insist on being the one who baked the treats or who brought the cute drop off gift. It was like she was ravenous for the accolades that acknowledged her cleverness. I guess what I'm saying is that being awesome at stuff just isn't all that awesome.

As I am not quick to understand either.

Hijolly, I always think of you when I watch the choir sing. I scan the faces and say, "I bet that's him." :)

Would you permit me a question about this? It seems to me that that "creation" or "creating" happens on two fronts. The first like what you describe as an artist organizing substance into something beautiful, and the second like how two parents create a new child. As you know, in LDS theology, we believe that God uses both methods.....the first for the earth and the second for his spirit children. Albeit a higher process than we know as humans. It appears God created the bodies for adam and eve much like he created the earth. So....it appears we've definitely got crossover in our understandings of things. Is it offensive or "wrong" for Christians to view God as a literal father of his children? I guess my naivety about mainstream Christian paradigm is confused about why it wouldn't make sense that the way God creates humans is any different than the way we create humans. I'm assuming is the sex thing.

Well...maybe God knows I need a little one on one. Perhaps He trusts you to do earth life on your own.

New Hampshire, huh? I'm from Utah. I think you guy's have better trees than us. Welcome to the forum. :)

The very things that have made my marriage hard, have also made my marriage great. Go figure.

Let's lay this out. We all got kicked out of the nest. God trusted all of us to be away from him. And we are all getting tested every minute of every day. HOW we get tested.....well, God uses everything doesn't he? He uses trials and he uses prosperity. He uses the circumstantial and He intervenes. "God must trust you more if you have a hard trial" is something we say to help make sense of suffering. And we compare being "trusted" by God with what we think we see Him doing (or not doing) with others because we don't know completely that we are special. Being away from Father and blocked by the veil, I think, brings an immediate feeling of distance, doubt, and abandonment. Our testimonies and our faith helps bridge the gap but it doesn't mean that we don't look around and see ourselves in a sea of milllions and wonder how and if God is individually invested in us.

Tell that to Abraham and Isaac.

It's this the part where you look at your husband and say, "YOU did this to me!!!!"

I agree with Classylady. Going more often helps. Not sure if that's realistic for you, but I find that repetition makes a huge difference. If you are so tense that you are physically ill, then something is definitely out of balance in your thinking. What if you let go of your need to be perfect in the temple ritual? What if you let go of judging yourself a "dunce"? It seems like echoes of the Adversary, to me. What better way to get your mind distracted away from higher spiritual offerings than to delude you with performance anxiety? Satan is just so good at these tactics, isn't he? He gets me with stuff like this all the time. I had a friend once tell me she casts off Satan before she goes into the temple. She would say stuff like "Get thee Hence! I'm not letting you destroy my peace today!" Or she starts thinking really forgiving thoughts if she has hard feelings towards someone. Whatever you do...I hope you find a way to rise out of these worries. It seems to me that if you are focused on communing with God and receiving spiritual instruction, that your heart won't have the inclination to worry about missteps.

I think that there is a strong difference between demonizing someone and holding a sobered respect for the darkness that lies inside of people. And I'm frustrated by the implication that choices to "be safe", or distance myself, or set boundaries is somehow equated with failing to forgive or show grace. I love my SIL and forgive her her failings, but I don't tell her personal information. She can't be trusted. The limits I place on the relationship in no way speak to my lack of love or grace for her. And I say all of this in general when speaking about sex offenders. Because at the end of the day, it's always a case by case basis. And I'm grateful for the spirit that helps me discern others. It's not a perfect thing of course. But it has warned me about people in the past and I expect it will warn me or show me if someone has truly changed. In this imperfect world where we are now forced into hypervigilance, this is the only way I know to balance my caution with my religion. I guess I need it to be ok to be cautious if my gut is warning me and to not be indicted as unforgiving if I simply can't let someone back into my society. And on another note.... There are many in this thread that have championed the cause of those who claim rehabilitation. This is a complicated and charged topic. Who am I to say that someone can't be changed by the Atonement or by really good therapy? My colleague works exclusively with sex offenders and we've talked at length about his belief that they can be rehabilitated. He has experienced much success over the years and retains excellent aftercare friendships with his clients. I think there is hope for those who have offended and who truly desire change and who go the distance. But even with all that, receiving forgiveness is not the same thing as being trusted. I'm still learning about the lessons of forgiveness and trust because it means a great deal to me to cultivate these attributes in my being. But on this issue, I remain highly conflicted. Perhaps some of you could teach me about what forgiveness requires of me in these cases. When I think of the anti-nephi-lehi story..... they were trusted and incorporated into Nephite society. I don't know....I feel that the sexual offenses against children are worse than the pre-repentant behavior of these former "murderers". It feels so different to me on many levels. And even though I believe the Atonement is for all people with all problems, I just don't feel that God expects me to welcome pedofiles to my house. And I do believe that people can and do become monsters. If one chooses darkness, it DOES change who you are. You can become like God, and you can become like Satan. In my limited experience with Satan, the title "monster" fits very well.

A member of the bishopric txt-ed me to invite me to accept a calling. He wouldn't tell me what the calling was. But he started to interview me in the texts. It was lame.

I couldn't possible improve on what's been said. We've got some wise people here! But I do think that if it's the relationship that you are trying to preserve, then the other person may need to reassurance that you want to talk, you may disagree, but that you will still love/like them no matter what is discussed. I had a neighbor who was of a different faith. Both of us attempted to relate to one another on a number of different occasions. And truthfully both of us felt uncomfortable. But we both worked on it and continued to reach out to each other in neighborly ways that had nothing to do with religion. And over time, the religious difference became less and less important. And talking about our differences felt more natural and easy. I really think it's about building trust, understanding the human process of doing so, and giving each other lots of reassurance. I think it's important that you do some soul searching so you honestly know your motivation in going head to head with your neighbors religious beliefs. And I think you need to know a little about how you'll react if someone becomes defensive or if you hear something that truly exasperates you. How would you want to be treated in these situations? And what would help your defenses calm? I think for me it's frustrating when someone assumes that I want to scrutinize my religion as much as they do. I mean why would I let you in my bathroom to examine my drawers and see what I weigh on the scale? Why would I want you to just invite yourself to invade my belief system? The more I think about your OP, the more I wonder about your motives.

I can't imagine what it must be like to lose a child. My brother lost a baby and I lost my mother recently, but I don't think any of that would be like what you've lost. I think what you are experiencing is a trauma response. It might be past emotions resurfacing or it might be the brain scanning/predicting pain in an effort to protect you from experiencing the same thing. I think it is so important to have compassion for yourself and for the "mark" this experience has left. But I also think there are things to help your brain transfer more of the traumatic experience into the long term memory part of the brain. Walking, biking, or running while thinking about the trauma can help. So can yoga. Sometimes it's helpful to do some guided imagery about the event or about the effects of the event. I know you didn't ask for advice, and I've gone and given it. Forgive me. But know I firmly believe such is normal. I've been through some trauma and I have fear that my youngest child will be killed. It's completely irrational, but I feel it.

Yes we need to serve our spouses and let them know we love them. BUT, not at the expense of our boundaries and self respect. Loving others never requires this. I've heard advice like this from bishops before. It's always bothered me. It shows no compassion for you, for what your husband's behaviors have done to you, and it certainly doesn't require anything of the spouse's who behave badly. I read an article once from Meridian Magazine where a writer sent a plea to bishops to act more like Jacob from the BofM....to hold more outrage for sexual misbehaviors and more compassion for the women & children who are hurt because of it. I wish I could find the link to offer it here, but I can't seem to locate it. Anyway, what I am suggesting is that sometimes we can't rely on bishops to support us. Sometimes we have to lean more on our gut feelings and trust our inner voice of outrage. This "anger" is really a true north that tells us where our boundaries should be. Messages from bishops or others that tell us to ignore this and "forgive" or "be more loving" are skewed and unhelpful, IMO. I don't think you should apologize for one minute for questioning your husband or the location of this massage parlor. He gave you a story and his facts didn't check out. HE has the explaining to do. His exaggerated reaction shows his need to cover his tracks and blame shift things on you. CLASSIC BEHAVIOR for those who struggle with compulsive sexual behaviors. Your gut is telling you that this reaction isn't right. Am I right about that? Don't give into the guilt trip that so many are laying at your feet. You hand the responsibility of transparency and fidelity to your husband. What could be more loving that refusing to enable lies and deceptions? God doesn't allow them and He remains perfectly loving. Why should we behave any differently?

I don't know what "normal" is. But I stand firmly against normalizing this kind of deviance.

This is just an age old nature vs. nurture thing. I don't believe that attraction to children is nature at all. There are so many factors....abuse usually being one of them....that contribute to all the developmental delays and thought distortions that lead a person to this kind of deviance. I guess I find it abhorrent to suggest that such is natural. I understand that the "natural man" has the potential for all sorts of evil. But is "potential" the same as a "tendency"? My personal opinion is that Satan takes an innocent "attraction" and he seduces the person into dark and twisted behaviors. I don't not have compassion for those whose own abuse led to such sad ends, but I don't feel a need to spare them the social stigma/consequences for their behaviors. They can't take it back for their victims. Sympathy can't change the altered trejectory of all the broken ruined lives of those children. I DO think that rehabilitation is possible, but I don't think that means that the social consequences should be lifted. If a person harms a child, they should permanently lose the right to interact with children. And now that I've said that I know that one answer can't fit all cases. I know of one where the perpetrator harmed his own children and after all that the family still wants reconciliation. Perhaps the victims should have a say too. As a side note. I think we do a poor job in this country of identifying deviant behavior properly. We call everyone a "sex offender" and then we group those who truly are a threat to children with those who just behaved badly. For example, I tend to see a difference between someone who views child porn and those who have sex with children. I see a huge difference between a pedofile and the 19 yr old who sleeps with his 16 yr old girlfriend. I think if we labeled the offenses better, then the social stigma might be more appropriate in its reaction to these people.