Misshalfway

It sounds to me like numbing out and running away are your primary coping strategies. You use pornography and stimulants to dull your senses. You use judgment and blame to distance yourself from personal responsibility. You hate yourself and you imagine that others hate you too. And you fear that God will think about you and your life the same way you do. Sounds to me like you are living in a boat load of lies. No wonder you need to run! That sounds painful! Perhaps that knowing in you about the BofM and the reality of God is the anchor you need. Perhaps you are learning that running away doesn't really work. There is light and life and peace when you think about your knowing in these areas, huh? What would it be like if you let go of the lies and started to move towards the light inside you? Maybe if you did you'd start learning the lessons of love and how to live them inside yourself. One thing I know for sure. Self hate begets hate. Shame begets fear and hiding. Fear begets more fear. Avoidance begets unattended festering problems. And blame begets denial of who we really are and what we capable of doing. What would it be like if YOU stopped judging yourself so harshly? What would happen if you faced your emotions and dealt with them? What would happen if you took up your personal responsibility in self love instead of self reproach? And what if you trusted yourself and God so you could do hard things together? When we love ourselves, we love others more. We understand God more. We start to understand how He really sees us and what He really wants for us. And we start giving others a break. We don't get so hurt by their judgments or weakness. We become less harmed by this world and more empowered in emotional and spiritual and behavioral ways. I hope you can see that the answers you seek are inside the knowing you already possess. Don't be afraid to go towards that light. Jesus will meet you there. And if you get quiet and start to ignore the lies and fears, you start to hear his gentle whisperings. The ones that are filled with tender mercies, forgiveness, and precious direction.

So much compassion and wisdom on this thread!! I just wanted to add that it sounds like masturbation started as a comforting behavior for you.....something you did to sooth yourself. I wonder if when you feel the urgings if you were to listen to what your emotional needs might be. If you could identify if you are lonely, or sad, or bored, or stressed, then you could take healthier actions to meet your needs like calling a friend or exercise or getting out of the house. Masturbation can be really hard to stop. So give yourself credit for all your wonderful progress. One slip does not equal failure. It's just another opportunity to learn. Take Care.

I like this line of thinking. When we apologize, I think sometimes we expect the other person to think and feel like we think they should. But who are we to decide when someone is ready to accept our apology or to decide how they should accept it? I mean healing journeys don't follow coordinated timelines. I think it also depends on the nature of the offense and the quality of the apology. I've received apologies that covered only the parts the person could cop to....not necessarily what hurt me or why. These types of apologies come from people who didn't take the time to listen to how their behavior affected me. I suppose this could be an innocent omission, but my experience is that the person doesn't really want to face what they did completely so they apologize from a distance. Other times I've had apologies that were more like defending or excusing themselves, or some that apologize for everything or for nothing. They don't take responsibility for anything at all! These just add salt to the wound. In the case of the OP, I say that it's hard when others don't receive something we feel is sincere. Who knows what is going on with the person you apologized to. It could be a number of things. But what else can we do but let go and move on.

Well, I don't know what it is you are feeling, but it sounds like a numbness of sorts. You say you think it might be some depression/anxiety. I like it that you are trying to listen to your gut. Going on a mission is a very emotional experience that can bring up lots of varied emotions -- emotions that come from within and from our environment. I'm wondering if it all happened a little too fast for you. Before, you had a couple of years to ponder about it and prepare yourself. Sounds like the age change really compelled you to act, which isn't a bad thing, just muddled things. I say let yourself feel whatever it is that you feel. Slow down. Maybe don't rush to do the list of preparations like you might in other circumstances. Take your time. Breath. Write in your journal and allow yourself time to process your feelings and to prepare yourself emotionally. It's ok to listen to yourself and to prepare for your mission in your own way and in your own time. Rushing your emotions will most likely produce more anxiety. So lean into your patience instead. It will all be ok if you don't superimpose all those emotional expectations on yourself. Each mission experience is a unique one. Allow yourself to experience it in your unique way by not controlling it so much. In the process, you may learn a lot about yourself. Best wishes.

This is GREAT stuff, Skippy. Add my +1.

Hi Four kids. First of all, I'm so sorry this is happening to your family too. Know you are not alone. MANY have traveled these roads before you and many are right now. Second, there is lots you can do. I agree that you can't control your husband. This problem, whatever is going on with him, isn't about you. You can't be perfect enough to make him stop and most likely your anger won't change things either. But there is other things you can do. Here are a few ideas: - talk to the bishop is a good start. - Get educated. Read books like "Confronting Pornography" by Mark Chamberlain and "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Stephen's. - Get empowered. You can support your husband with compassion and empathy, but don't do so at the expense of your boundaries. It's ok to say "no" to this. It's ok to keep yourself safe. Your husband, regardless of what he may say, needs your boundaries. These kinds of sexual behaviors don't like limits. Your limits, the ones you set in your own self interest, will help force him out of denial. That's the best I've got for today. Strength and good comfort to you. And it's ok to get upset and talk about what you are feeling too. It doesn't make you unforgiving or unloving. Anger is a good thing. It helps us mourn and it helps us find our power.

I'd go back to the bishop. You need the strengthening of that kind of honesty. I wouldn't beat yourselves up about it too much. It's actually pretty awesome to be so attracted to your future spouse. But you've got to do a better job at protecting yourselves and keeping your minds in a more controlled headspace. You've now learned what many have tried to warn you about. Once you indulge, it's so hard not to slip into it again! Maybe you need to stop being together in lonely places late at night. Maybe you need to do your long goodbyes over the phone. Maybe you need to have codewords like "STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE!" Maybe you should wear a t-shirt saying "Hands off on my rack, bucko!" Maybe you need to put an alarm bell inside your bra, or invest in a chastity belt. Whatever you have to do, do it!! You sound happy. Stay safe so you can stay that way.

Dravin, Lying and pornography go hand in hand regardless of how "addicted" a person is. We use the term "porn addiction" as a very loose term. The word itself isn't very helpful in describing human behavior and I can see why it makes people uneasy. The DSM IV doesn't use it to describe problems with substances. The truth is there is a huge spectrum of manifestations of sexual behaviors, some compulsive/some not. But we use "addiction" because we don't have a better general term to describe what's going on. In any case, this husband is following lots of classic deceptive behaviors. If it walks like a duck, it's probably a duck.

Find a therapist that is certified (or at least trained in) Emotionally Focused Therapy. And do a good 12 to 20 sessions of therapy. It IS one of the best marital therapies out there. Most of them produce approximately 40% success rates, if that. Emotionally Focused Therapy (created by Susan Johnson) can boast a strong 83-ish%. It's not about changing behavior, negotiating better solutions, or improve your communication style. It's not about placating your partner with "service" or better sex or saying words with "I" statements. It's about helping the two of you understand your patterns of disconnection, and then relearn how to bond with each other experientially. This website is a good place to start. Here's the search for a therapist page if you are interested. Or just search for more info. Find A Therapist OR get Susan Johnson's book "Hold Me Tight". I wonder what would happen if the two of you walked through the seven conversations. I wonder if you would see each other differently. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love: Dr. Sue Johnson, Sandra Burr: 9781455870233: Amazon.com: Books And in regards to your situation, both on the religious and relationship fronts. Both are opportunities in disguise. It is scary when ones partner changes their religious feelings. It means changes that perhaps we didn't bargain for. I think all the feelings you are having are normal X 10. But don't let them distract you away from this wonderful opportunity for growth. It's like a bunch of mud being drenched over your windshield and it's hard to navigate. But, if you can, turn on your windshield wipers and see if you can see through it to the lessons of love that await you. See if you can start to listen to your husband without judgment (not without discernment, mind you.) See if you can tap into his feelings about his spiritual changes. And then see if you can validate and empathize with these feelings. Don't try to change them. Just see them and sooth them. And then sit and wait. It's like applying antibiotics with multiple applications and waiting for the infection to get better. It's seems clear that your husband doesn't want a divorce. He doesn't want to lose you. And even though it seems like his loss in testimony is the end of something, I'm wondering if it's just a season of disbelief. That with the right nurturing, patience, and nonreactive discernment, could be one of the best things to happen to your marriage. Perhaps it's ordained to be, or maybe it's just an opportunity for you to make it so. If anything, let it expand your ability to love, extend your patience, extend your understanding of eternal perspectives squared with earthly struggles, and your ability to withstand the storms of life with faith, determination, compassion, and strength. Blessings to you, my dear. Focusing on the pain and unfairness of it is a dead end.....a dead end Satan will most certainly lure you into. Don't get fooled by such a ploy. Keep your eyes focused on loving your husband as a person, as a human who is struggling like all humans do, and as your companion with whom you committed to for your earth life experience come what may.

Add a +1 to shopping for a therapist that specializes in sexual issues. LDS Family just doesn't have the chops. Sure sounds like he has multiple issues going on here. Just one question, has he been evaluated by a medical doctor. Just wondering if there is a testosterone issue at play here too. Now...about you, my dear. What a difficult trial for you! I can only imagine how you feel in these down times when things don't make sense and your needs aren't able to be met. One thing sounds sure...you are one strong lady! And I don't mean the strength that allows you to white knuckle. I mean the kind that can go the distance with your husband in compassion and with great commitment and eternal vision. I think your dismissal of "leave him for not fulfilling the bargain" says volumes and your husband is a lucky man. What is love if it can't survive hard times? What's that Shakespeare poem....? Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; You remind me of that. I'm also thinking of a passage from the BOM. Mosiah 24:12- 15: 12 And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their ahearts to him; and he did know the bthoughts of their hearts. 13 And it acame to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage. 14 And I will also ease the aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their cafflictions. 15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did astrengthen them that they could bear up their bburdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with cpatience to all the will of the Lord. I know this trial is hard. And really unfair for both of you. And it's probably going to take time. But trust in the Lord and let him strengthen you. And remember that you CAN connect with your husband on emotional levels that will bond you with or without intercourse. When couples struggle together, it really brings you closer in much broader ways than intercourse can ever promise. My prayers go to you and your sweet husband. I hope he can find his way through all the pain he carries and I hope you find the strength to go the distance so you can learn the lessons and be refined as the Lord would wish.

Ok. Let's tell the truth. Sometimes the missionaries are just cute. Add a burning testimony and all that kindness and it's hard not to have a crush. Especially at this time in your life when you are contemplating marriage and such. I'll admit something to you I've never told anyone. When I was on my mission, I had the hugest ever crush on one of the AP's. He was tall and super handsome and his talks at zone meeting were completely spirit filled. And he could play the piano and I was sure we'd make the cutest babies together. But...I never told a soul. He even asked me to write him when he left the mission. My heart was all a flutter. But, I had to let it go. It wasn't the right time and I had work to do. SO, I got my heart in line and I got back to the work of preaching the gospel and loving my investigators. And I handed the dream to God. So...have some compassion for yourself. It's ok. It's ok as long as you understand the limits, which it sounds like you do. I think you let your feelings slip out a little and now you are feeling exposed and embarrassed. Heck, I think everyone feels that in those dating years. Don't worry about the FB thing. Just play it cool. And do a little locking of your heart, if you kwim. Feeling a crush is normal. Dwelling on it and nurturing it is inappropriate and just plain torturous.

Add my lamenting of dog hair. We have a Rotti mix. I was making eggs the other day and there was dog hair in it! It almost drove me to say a cuss word.

Me neither. (((Hiccup!!!)))

Hope it all goes well! Good luck!

If you were my son, I'd want you to feel like you could come to me about something like this. If you were my son, I'd want to help you learn not to be afraid to talk about sex, about pornography, and most of all about making mistakes. I'm reminded of the garden of eden and how satan taught Adam and Eve to hide from Father in Heaven. I'm pretty sure satan's whole mission is to separate people from God and make them feel shameful about their mistakes and afraid to talk to their parent about the whole thing. If you were my son, I'd help you with the shame. I'd also want to educate you about sex, or correct any misconceptions you may have learned through viewing the porn, and I'd especially want to teach you about the love of God and the power of the atonement. And maybe in the process you'd learn that I was a human being too and that maybe talking to me isn't so scary. Maybe we'd become better friends and maybe I'd learn lessons from you too. I don't know what you should do because I don't know your situation or your parents. But this is what I thought of when you said you didn't want them to find out.

I think talking about it is a really good test. If you say "The other day your words were really hurtful. If felt like you were treating me like a child. Yes, I made a mistake but I needed your support instead of your scolding." .....and he says, "I really didn't know I sounded that way. I'm sorry. Let's talk it through." Then he's good people and he prolly had a bad day. If you address the issue and he gets defensive or continues in a contemptuous way, or you continue to see the contemptuous pattern, I'd be concerned. Whatever you do, listen to your gut. Don't numb out to it because he or someone else discourages or shames it. Your inner feelings, along with the spirit of the Lord, WILL warn you when something isn't right. So, trust them!

Well, my husband lost his job today. Company not making enough pesos. Soooo......looks like moving out of Utah might actually happen.

I just got my first ticket in 15 years. 15! And I was in a minivan. How can you pull over a sweet and innocent minivan?

Hey...if you've got a good dental plan, trick or treat all you want.

Wanting someone we love to stay with us is NOT selfish.

You say you feel you "can't do this". Can't do what exactly? You say living the gospel is hard. Well....what is hard about it? Reading the scriptures? Law of chastity? WofW? Attending church?

Just as it's important for both spouses to consider the sexual needs of the other, I also think "loving and caring" for spouse includes dealing with sex when it's difficult. Sex is challenging for most couples. And the reason's it's challenging changes. Maybe it's hard for her to get an orgasm in the first 10 years. In the last 10, he can't get an erection. Meeting each others needs is a two way street. And when one need overpowers all the other needs (like needing a orgasm), something is wrong.

I don't know. I think it would be more important for the husband to find out why his wife needed to go to another man. Trust me. She wasn't tempted by the sex. That came way later. If I remember right from the OP, her husband was away a lot. And this man friend dude paid attention to her. I think she was feeling lonely and unwanted in some degree. And the other man said his marriage was in the ditch. Most likely he was looking to have his emotional needs met in some way. Maybe she made him feel heard, or strong, or needed in some way. Whatever it is, the temptation isn't about having runaway sexual thoughts. The temptation comes when partners feel unwanted, unseen, or inadequate.

I guess you'll just have to go to the science lab and scope out cute smart guys to help you. What a terrible problem.

Hm. Repent more? I'm not sure what you mean. This isn't about repenting more. This is about repenting once and doing it right. Look. Let's get to it. Your husband seems gentle. And your bishop ....rather unaffected. You have this little part that is gnawing at you. What is it that you are afraid of? There is no reason to stay so frozen unless you are afraid. So....what is it?