Misshalfway

But isn't plan A exactly what you've been doing the last two years?? I actually think this plan is what is enabling your husband's patterns. He gets his fantasy life, and he gets a wife who is killing herself to make him happy. He's got the best of both worlds. Why would he change? I know it's hard. I'm sure I'd feel like hiding away. Do it if you need to but only for a short time. Then find your strength and fight. Your children need to see your strength. They need an intact family, yes, but they also need to see an example of a woman who demands to be treated with respect.

I fully support whiny-ness on bad days. Heck...I support it on any day I feel like it.

I do chronic pain. I've got Ehlers Danlos which means that I dislocate joints very easily. Other than qualifying for stupid human tricks, it means I hurt for no real reason and I can't play golf like I'd like to. My spine looks like "a poorly made sandwich" said the MRI tech. And so I deal with all the nerve pain and such. AND...I've got something that acts a lot like crohn's. So...I have lots of ready made excuses so I can miss tedious family parties. I used to lean on Dr.'s and physical therapist's and drugs. WORTHLESS! Some was helpful (mostly the pt), some not so much (drugs, Dr.'s advice). Now, I balance light exercise, diet, supplements, and rest to manage. If I have a bad day...I don't worry about it so much anymore. But I don't have too many of those cuz I know my body and my limits. I guess I've just found a combination that works well for me. If I have a bad crohn's day, I've got an emergency diet that works ten times better than all the antibiotics and worthless tests they do at the hospital. Lots cheaper too!! And when my body hurts, my husband gives me a good rub down. We call it foreplay. :) We've made lemonade, I guess. Anyway....I love Apple's advice. I hope you find what works for you.

I'd tell the bishop without delay. I think you need to for your own integrity and peace of mind. That guilt and shame you are feeling......that's just how Satan punishes and scares us after we sin. Don't let those feelings keep you from the balm of gilead your soul needs. Your bishop will be exactly what you need to move onward and upward. And confessing openly without holding anything back with help you find your integrity and self respect again. Courage to you.

I can't wait either! So excited to see it. I won't let myself watch anymore trailers though. I want to see it for the first time in the theater!! I wasn't sure about Russel Crowe. Don't get me wrong. I love the guy but....Can he even sing?? And I'm kinda on the fence about Anne Hathaway, but what I saw in the trailer won me over.

Wow. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Frankly, I'm surprised you've been as patient as you have been. Just so I understand....what happens when you confront your husband and demand his fidelity? Does he lie to you or put you off?

You are a good woman, Eowyn. You have a heart of gold and the madonna strength of the ages running through you. And you don't need to beat a feminists drum to prove it. I'm not sure exactly where your powerlessness is coming from whether it's the inherent nature of SAHM-hood or whether it's the traditional roles you hold in your marriage. But let's face it. Being a woman on this planet, even in these modern times and even in the church, is challenging. And being a SAHM is really hard sometimes. And some people really like keeping house and doing kids. I love my kids, but doing housework for 40 yrs just isn't fulfilling to me. And in those early years when the kids were young, it was really hard not to be jealous of my husband's life. He'd go to work, have lunch with friends, and play golf whenever he wanted. While I was home cleaning permanent marker off the walls and lamenting my frumpy spit-up covered t-shirts. He didn't get my stress...and I didn't get his. We're better now, of course. Because we've learned to walk in each other's shoes. And we've learned to let go of some of our immature notions about men and things. Just remember, E, that being a mom with young kids is a stage. It won't be this way for ever. And it really does get better. Kids get older and more independent. They start putting themselves to bed and cleaning up after themselves. And if you are me, you make them do your most hated chores when they want extra money. :) But for now you are in the trenches and I'm sure this perspective doesn't matter much when you are doing your 1000th load of laundry and your son drops your cell phone in the toilet. For all that....just find balance. Hire the sitters so you can shop alone. Do the GNO's or exercise class. Make hubby take you away for the weekend. You'll probably still feel like you are handcuffed to a toilet brush, but the balance will help you make friends with all of it. Hang in there, girlie. Getting through these feelings means you are getting refined. That's what gray hair means, right ladies? Refinement?

I love that even though you are feeling so discouraged and so abandoned, you can still identify how lovable and fun you are! This earth life can be really hard sometimes. And being in the church....well, sometimes we have to learn how to be tough! Because the social culture is sometimes very hard to break into. I live in a neighborhood that has been very hard to socialize with. They are the kind that say "OH we're so happy to see you" when at church, but who turn away when they see you on the street or when you go get your mail. The whole thing has been rather discouraging especially during this season of my life when I could have really used a friend. But....I've learned to say SO WHAT! People are people and they do what they do. You just anchor to your Father in Heaven and His way of loving. And try to see this lonely period of your life as an opportunity. Life brings us seasons....there is a time to laugh and a time to mourn, and apparently there are lonely seasons where we are required to really dig deep. If we have to pass through this times, I say find ways to grow. Maybe this is a chance for you to work through some of your social anxiety by challenging yourself to reach out. Or maybe this is a chance to learn how to forgive blind overachiever RS sisters. Or maybe you'll find unexpected friends like people from a different demographic than yourself. I've developed this special relationship with an 86 yr old woman in my ward. I sometimes sit with her in RS. Whatever you do.....don't isolate yourself. If you can't find good social connection in the ward, go find it elsewhere in other circles. Best wishes, dear. Remember that these seasons pass. Sorry it's been so hard. OH! One more thing.....I was struck by your first statement about not being able to talk to your husband because he is busy. This just breaks my heart! You've got to reach for him. Don't you let that guilt protection thing you are doing to stop you from seeking his support. That marriage relationship should be your safe haven...your soft place to fall. I hope you'll decide to reevaluate how you approach this part of your life too. Satan might succeed in keeping your neighborhood cold but don't let him wedge in between you are your sweetheart.

I think it's important to point out that depression is not always clinical. Like when someone is mourning a loss. Depression is sometimes THE appropriate response to certain life events. Feeling depression is part of how the brain heals. It wouldn't be healthy to suppress such a process. People who do usually end up with pathology. So add this additional "amen" to banning blanket statements about human emotional states.

I think it is crucial to find someone that you can be completely honest with. This stuff thrives in secret...and as you probably know....we are only as sick as our secrets. Have you thought about hiring a therapist? Seeing a bishop is certainly an important component. But it seems you've tried going the bishop route a number of times and are still finding yourself in the same pattern. I guess I'm wondering if going to the bishop might be part of your using cycle. And you seem insightful into why/when you use ...."to fill that hole". Seems pretty clear to me that your problem isn't really the light porn. Based on what you've shared, it doesn't sound like your using is about needing fantasy or "chasing the dragon" with new novel experiences. It really seems to me that it's more about getting the light dopamine fix that looking at a provocative picture gives you. Since you are really just self medicating, wouldn't you like to find some better ways to cope with the "hole"? There really are so many relatively simple answers to help you break this cycle you are in. I hope you open yourself up to finding what is out there. I really think a short time with a therapist could do you a world of good.

I don't disagree with the statement "God doesn't want us to be depressed." But I do think we misunderstand what is meant by this. I don't think it means that righteousness = no pain or no out of balance feelings. If someone is equating righteousness with emotional perfectionism....well, then I think they are following more of Satan's plan on things. What I do think this means is that God wants us to learn to have hope and faith, etc etc. no matter what it is that life brings. It's kind of paradoxical but we need the depression so we can learn the hope. It's that age old opposition in all things deal.

I had a friend a few years ago who was getting married. She was asking all sorts of questions about sex and garments...you know simple questions to help her get the lay of the land before her big day. She asked if I felt compelled to put my garments back on the second sex was over. My answer was, "well...it depends on the day. If we are at a hotel for the anniversary, probably not. If it's a 'christmas quickie' then most likely yes." My overall point was that there is a lot of flexibility in how we keep our covenants. There is no need to put ourselves in a straightjacket to meet the demands of obedience. I think that at some point we've got to allow people their autonomy, privacy, and preferences rather than trying to legislate every jot and tittle. That doesn't mean I disregard proper boundaries. I don't see a lot of harmony between nudist lifestyles and covenant living. It just means that I'm worrying about my obedience and how God works with me inside my context and I try to leave others to do what works best for them. I can't measure out "your shower is over and you've got 5.3 seconds to get those garments back on." This thinking breaks my brain. Maybe there is some space in all that obedience for some "lounging".

I struggle with PTSD. I'm better now....but I still struggle with certain experiences/triggers. But it's all ok. I've learned the difference between my psychic experiencing and who I really am and how I really feel about things. They both live together inside my brain, but they are distinct and I know which one to listen to. And I've learned that one can actually experience the symptoms of the imbalance and still feel and enjoy the more refined emotional states such as happiness, joy, gratitude, humility, etc. And I can even do that on days when my pain won't let me function like I'd prefer. Statements like "God doesn't want you to be depressed" and the implications of such statements that the person is sinning or failing in some way, especially when made by people who haven't had the experience of such trials, tend to sit badly with me too. I suppose I still haven't figured out how to allow other people their ignorance....ignorance about depression or ignorance about the journey of happiness. I tend to want to protest and show them all the insight they are missing. Perhaps if I did more knitting in church and less "Did he really just say that?" I'd learn these refinements faster. :) Until then, I'll probably continue to feel compelled to help people see wider views about what God wants us to "feel" and what God is doing with all this mortal experience. Well....those that have ears to listen anyway. :)

I don't see a problem with it as long as you realize that the communication might not be as protected as a conversation in his office.

Hi Strangeroads. Nice to meet you. I think your fears are very understandable. Sometimes people can be judgy or rejecting if you don't follow the mormon program. But if that does happen, remember it's not about YOU! It's a reflection of the person who is doing the judging. Having said that though, I think you'll find most people are welcoming, unassuming, and generous with their acceptance and attention. And I know you aren't alone in having returned to the church from a long absence. There are many. I am one of those. And I hope your return is as rejoiced amongst the congregation as it should be. I'd like to emphasize that you don't owe anybody an explanation for your life choices or the journey of your life. Yes, the bishop needs to be involved. But that is a private and sacred interchange that only need involve the two of you and the Lord. Other leaders may be made aware of your circumstances if it becomes appropriate, but even then you don't owe them an explanation. You are where you are now. And that's that. And it's nobody's business how or why you went away or how or why you are back for that matter. So...just rest in where you are now and where you are going. And who cares what other people think about it. They don't know.....they can't know....what you've been through. The more you love and accept yourself, they more the reactions of others won't bear sway in your fears. Many blessings to you! And welcome home!

Well.....ice cream is the mormon way. :)

I am hopeful. It's a sobered hopeful more than an idealistic one. I guess I believe in the goodness of these last days. I know many of us will take some hits. I've taken some and it'll probably happen again before I get out. But at the end of the day, all really is well. And it's well because of Father and His way of turning everything for our good. It's well because I have sweet relationships with people here and beyond the viel. I trust God's plan, what he is doing with me and my offerings from moment to moment, and I trust that good things....better things.... are coming. So the world will continue to go to hell in a handbasket. And amongst all the caos there will be a few who remain pure and full of light and connected to each other in oneness. Perhaps they will be like the Helaman's best....suffering many wounds....but saved and preserved in the end. I plan to be one of them. So....tell Satan to do his worst. Heck...he already has. I've got everything I need to stand firm against any old thing he can throw.

That's good news for one like me.

What if you added some fasting to your preparations? That way you could strengthen yourself spiritually and ask that your families hearts will also be prepared.

For me, off the grid is back home with Father.

I couldn't possible know what the woman is thinking. But I wonder if this is the only way that makes her feel she has the power to choose about the marriage. Because leaders could very well decline a petition to dissolve the sealing, it might feel like her only recourse to guide the destiny of the marriage. OR it might be a temporary whim of a feeling articulated before she'd thought it through. Just a guess.

This sounds like a fun party for adults! :)

That's because nobody talks about it.

Do they have a "She's Just Not That Into You" ?

Wait....I thought you valued hyperbole. Now I'm so confused.