In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A traveling salesman is driving down a country road when he notices that there is a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He steps on the gas, but the chicken keeps up. After about a mile, the chicken runs up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farmhouse.

The salesman drives up to the farmhouse and tells the farmer who answers the door what he has just seen.

"My son's a geneticist at the state university," the farmer says, "and he developed that breed. You see, the three of us have always liked drumsticks, and my son came up with a three-legged chicken so we would have to kill only one for Sunday dinner."

"That's the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," the salesman says. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," says the farmer. "We've never caught one."

[pam]

An anthropologist and her guide are sitting around a campfire in a remote part of Borneo. In the distance, they hear the sound of drums, and the guide gets a worried look on his face.

As the evening wears on, the drums get louder, and the guide, looking more worried, says, "I don't like the sound of those drums."

The drums get louder and louder, until they sound like they are just on the edge of the camp.

"I really don't like the sound of those drums," the guide says.

The drums stop, and out of the darkness comes a voice, "Hey man, back off! He's not our regular drummer!"

[pam]

One night, a woman cooks deer steaks for the first time and serves them to her husband and two children. As they're enjoying dinner, the husband thinks it will be fun to have the children guess what type of meat they're eating.

"Is it beef?" the little girl asks.

"Noooo," teases the father.

"Is it pork?" the little boy asks.

"No, but I'll give you a clue," the dad says, as he smiles lovingly at his wife. "It's what your mom sometimes calls me."

"Spit it out, Willie!" the little girl screams at her brother. "We're eating idiot!"

[pam]

A little tyke has his mother pin a towel to the back of his t-shirt every morning, and in his mind, he's transformed into Superman. He spends his days acting out his hero's adventures.

On his first day of kindergarten, he insists on wearing the towel pinned to his t-shirt to school, and when the teacher asks him his name, he says matter-of-factly, "Superman."

"I need your real name," the teacher says, and again the boy answers, "Superman."

Gently, but very sternly, the teacher says, "I must have your real name for my records."

At that, the little fellow looks around the room, moves in close, and puts his mouth up to her ear.

"Clark Kent," he whispers

[pam]

A boy comes home from school after the last day of classes, and he says to his father, "Dad, remember when you told me at the beginning of the year that you would give me $10 for every course I passed?"

"Sure, son," the father says with a note of hope in his voice. "Why?"

"Well, Dad," he says, "I saved you $50."

[pam]

A woman died and was sent to heaven.

One day while she was walking around on the clouds of heaven she saw God. She walked towards him and she stopped to talk to him.

She only wanted to ask one question of him.

So she asked, "Why did you create man before women?"

God looked down on her, placed his hand on her head and explained, "Every good design needs a rough draft!!"

[Still_Small_Voice]

Anyone watched the Kia Soul Hamster Commercial? I think it is so funny. Here is a link to watch it:

[Mahone]

How Many Forum Members Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb

1 to change the light bulb and 1 to post that the light bulb has been

changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the

light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light

bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is

"lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light

bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in

violation of their "acceptable use policy"

27 to report it to the Mods

4 to report is to the admins as they don't trust the mods to deal with things fairly and then they post that they have told the admins

5 to post thanks for the reporting

10 to give negative rep to those reporting

2 to scream about freedom of speech

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take

this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and

lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light

bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to

buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this

technique and what brands are faulty

3 suppliers to out quote each other on prices for light bulbs

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the

corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to

this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all

headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they

cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions

about light bulbs"

1 WoW spambot to tell you how you can make gold from changing your light bulb

10 to report a spambot

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and

start it all over again

Edited April 26, 2009 by Mahone

[daenvgiell]

that was... hmmmmm never seen that before...

so how many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb then?

[pam]

Must we have you read the joke previous to your post again?

[pam]

On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy storeowner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor storeowner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?"

"No," said the little boy.

"I give up," she said. "What is it?"

The boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

[pam]

A woman applies for a job in a Florida lemon grove.

The owner of the grove looks over her application, then asks, "Tell me Miss, do have you any experience in picking lemons?"

"Well," says the woman, "as a matter if fact, I do. I've been divorced three times."

[Jamie123]

What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head?

Edward

What do you call a man with two planks of wood on his head?

Edward Wood

What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head?

Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with four planks of wood on his head?

I don't know, but Edward Woodward would!

[pam]

A newly married sailor is stationed a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he arrives he writes to his wife: "My love, we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"

A week later he gets a package from his wife. In it is a harmonica and a note that reads, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

At the end of the year, the sailor rushes back to his wife.

"Darling," he says, "I can't wait to kiss you and hold you in my arms."

"First," she says, "let me hear you play that harmonica."

[pam]

A golfer is standing over his ball on the first tee for what seems to be an eternity. He looks up, then down, then up, then down. He measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed.

His partner stands to the side, and becomes more and more agitated. Finally, he yells, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"

The first golfer says, "I'm sorry, but my wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Well, just hit the ball, man. You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."

[pam]

A young man who has never been out of his small town goes to the big city for a vacation. He registers in a small, family-style hotel, and as he is checking in, he asks about the time of meals.

"Breakfast is served from 7 a.m. to 11 a.m., lunch from 12 p.m. to 3 p.m., and dinner from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m.," the clerk tells him.

"By golly!" exclaims the young man in surprise. "When am I going to get time to see the city?"

[skippy740]

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' Try this out:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

'Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.'

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson..'

HAVE A NICEDAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

[pam]

Two sassy seniors are discussing their husbands over lunch.

"I do wish that my husband would stop biting his nails," one says. "It makes me terribly nervous."

"My husband used to do the same thing," the other woman replies, "but I broke him of the habit."

"Really? How?" the first woman asks.

"Easy," she says. "I hid his teeth."

[pam]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[Dravin]

They said we'd get a black President when pigs flew. 100 days into Obama's presidency... Swine Flu.

[pam]

That deserved more than just the laugh button so here goes.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[pam]

A plumber with a sense of humor:

[pam]

A man is unfortunate enough to be hit by a 10-ton truck and lands in a hospital's intensive care unit. His best friend comes to visit him about a week later.

The patient struggles to tell his friend, "My wife visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me here at my bedside."

"What does she read?" the friend asks.

Responds the patient, "My life insurance policy."

[pam]

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: "Small world."

[pam]

Back in the 19th century, one man challenges another to a duel with pistols, and the two meet early one morning in deserted field. The one challenged is a great fat man, and his challenger is skinny as a rail.

"You know," says the heavy-set fellow, "you have an unfair advantage because you're so thin. You are a much smaller target."

"Well," says the thin man, "I'll have my second draw my figure in chalk on your suit. Any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count."