In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

[pam]

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says.

The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says.

The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

[pam]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

[pam]

The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office. "What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."

[omega0401]

Just as our son was learning to walk, my wife brought him to my office. He staggered around awhile, then dropped to his hands and knees and took off at top speed toward the office of the company president. We grabbed him at the doorway, but not before he was noticed by a co-worker.

"You know," said the employee, turning to my wife, "his father goes into that office the very same way.

[pam]

A father and his small son were standing in front of the tiger's cage at the zoo.

Father was explaining how ferocious and strong tigers are, and junior was taking it all in with a serious expression.

Dad," the boy said finally, "if the tiger got out of his cage and ate you up ..."

Yes, son?" the father said expectantly.

"What bus should I take home?" the boy finished.

[pam]

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and growl at the top of his voice.

So it went, step, step, "GROWL" step, step, "GROWL" all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, by the time he reached the pulpit the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When finally asked what the roaring was all about, the youngster said, "Well, I'm the Ring Bear!"

[pam]

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs."

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[pam]

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[pam]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[Maya]

My dear grand daughter when she wa 3 she was staying a while with her mother with us. She was everywhere so we had to keep an eye at her all the time. Suddenly it was very quiet ... all too quiet... I started thowards the hall to see if she had managed to go out. I meet her in the hall where she looked at me very quilty hiding something behind her back. I looked at her with my head leaning on right and over my glases.... Then she looked very ashaimed and said:

"Dont taste poop... poop not good"

I was speachless. She held a spone in her hand and smiled from ear to ear, as she passed me running thowards the kitchen...

She will love this story when she gets old I tought.

My son at the time 6 years old satnding on a trainstation waiting for a train:

Mom I will be a missionary then an armyman, then a doctor and I will marry M (the girl next door).

Life is so clear when you are 6!

[pam]

The local bar was confident its bartender was the strongest man around so they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The barkeep would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) had tried over time, but nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

[pam]

"Ma'am, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?" the trooper asked the young woman he'd just pulled over.

"Oh officer, thank goodness you're here," the woman said. "I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

The officer reached through the side window and pointed to the rear view mirror.

"Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

[lilered]

THE TINY CABIN .....

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the

Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new

territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' she asked.

'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door.

'Is your father there?' asked the social worker.

'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid.

'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker.

'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid.

'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a

family?'

'Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door,

this is our outhouse!"

[Dr T]

What does a spider eat at McDonalds?

A burger and flies!

[pam]

Convinced the human race is totally wacko? Here are some signs of the times in support of such a view. An example is the hotel-provided shower cap in a box labeled: "Fits one head."

Others spotted include:

• On a chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
• On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
• On an packet of nuts served by an airline: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
• On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
• On packaging for an electronic iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
• On Nytol, a sleep aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
• On a Korean-made kitchen knife: "Warning keep out of children."

[Dr T]

Those are GREAT Pammy-uplifting thing are really needed right now. thanks for the smile

[Guest Godless]

Pam, that last post reminds me of a road sign I saw in Kuwait once. I can't for the life of me find a pic of it, but it basically sends the message "Don't jump your motorcycle over cars". I REALLY wish I could find a pic of it, it's too funny!

[pam]

After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Arnold was hired by a warehouse.

One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold ten percent of Arnold's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked Arnold.

"About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Arnold.

'I've finally got job security!"

[pam]

Pam, that last post reminds me of a road sign I saw in Kuwait once. I can't for the life of me find a pic of it, but it basically sends the message "Don't jump your motorcycle over cars". I REALLY wish I could find a pic of it, it's too funny!

this is the closest I could come up with.

[pam]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery ..."

"Oh no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me ..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

She looked up at Tim. "How did it happen?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

[Guest Godless]

this is the closest I could come up with.

Ohmigosh!! That's almost identical to the one I was talking about!!! Thanks for finding it for me!

[Maya]

THAT is a norwegean veiskilt it is by the kings castle and says: it dont include when driving to the castle....

So I suppose by the castle you can drive over cars with a motorcycle!

I should find you the one I tok a warning triangle with sheep inside! Or a cow!

[Moksha]

First Slumdog Millionaire and now this:

YouTube - Crazy Indian Video... Buffalaxed!

[lilered]

An EXTREME Redneck When...

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, y'all, watch this.'

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.