In need of some clean humor!

[pam]

Alice, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals committee, recently accused Tom, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

Tom stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

[pam]

Only in Utah

A man was being very closely tailgated by a woman on Foothill Boulevard in Salt Lake City.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the intersection crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman slammed on the brakes and really leaned on the horn. She opened her window, stuck her hand out and made that familiar gesture, all the while screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection before the light had turned red.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tapping sound on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious SLC Police Officer. He ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the Police Station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours another policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the Arresting Officer was waiting with all her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for the mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you,and cussing a blue streak at him.

I also noticed the 'Choose the Right' license plate holder, the 'Families are Forever' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumpersticker, and the chrome-plated Angel Moroni emblem on the trunk.

'Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.'

Edited November 18, 2008 by pam

[pam]

check out this ebay item:

LOT OF POKEMON CARDS THAT MY KIDS TRIED TO SNEAK BY ME - (eBay item 130144061675 end time Aug-22-07 12:03:50 PDT)

I know this is for real as I saw this myself on ebay last year. I about died laughing when I read it.

[pam]

A blonde walks into a store and says to the clerk, "Can I buy this tv?"

The clerk says, "We don't allow blondes in the store." So the blonde walks home and puts a wig on and goes back to the store.

"Can I buy this tv?" and the clerk says, "We don't allow blondes in the store!"

So she goes back home and gets a total makeover and goes to the store and says, "Can I buy this television?" the clerk says "NO! We don't allow blondes in the store!"

The blonde asks "How did you know I was a blonde?"

"Because that's not a tv; it's a microwave!"

[pam]

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well-planned life?"

"Oh yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?"

"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[lilered]

BofM: Spies noticed that the Lamanites were observed walking around on their knees.

Conclusion: They were preparing to fight knee fights. (Nephites)

[Truegrits]

Three blondes were sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden came up behind them, tapped one on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish," replied the officer "you need fishing licenses."

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines, and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," said the warden, "take all the debris you want."

And with that, he left. As soon as he was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically.

"What a dumb cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"

[Guest SisterofJared]

Those blondes are reallfy dumb. Steelehead trout are disgusting fish! LOL.

SoJ

[pam]

Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School Essays

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

27. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

28. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

29. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

[Hemidakota]

Cartoon: Will You Marry Me?

From So, You're a BYU Football Fan by Ryan Stoker

We had recently moved to a new town and I was not familiar with the streets. While driving to the grocery store with my three children, I absently said out loud, "oops I took the wrong road." My 5 year old Rebekah asked me if we should pray to Heavenly Father for help. Yes, was my reply as I looked for a place to turn around. "Dear Heavenly Father," she began, "Sorry to wake you from your nap but could you help mommy find the right road?" At the conclusion I asked her if Heavenly Father was napping and she confidently replied. "Yes he has a big job and everybody needs a nap" --Melanie Killman - Castleton Ontario Canada

 Recently a new congregation was formed from two nearby wards. It was decided that our ward would be called the Welcome Ward here in Welcome, North Carolina. We all met for the first time in another ward's chapel that Sunday morning and whether it was planned or a coincidence, but the congregation chuckled when the opening hymn to be sung was "Welcome, Welcome, Sabbath Morning. --Aaron Yarbrough -Welcome, North Carolina, USA

My husband and I moved into a new ward and soon it would be our first Christmas far from family and our old friends. We had been invited to have Christmas dinner with Brother and Sister McDonald and their son and we agreed. One Sunday our then 6 year old son was asked by his Primary teacher how our family was going to spend Chrismas and he responded "We're going to McDonalds's" (meaning the fast food restaurant).

Well, The Primary teacher told our very kind-hearted and concerned Bishop who in turn spoke to us. "We hear to will be having fast food on Christmas day" He said softly "We will ensure that you will have a turkey dinner.". Confused, we asked what he was talking about and he relaid the conversation between the primary teacher and our 6 year old. Laughing hard we managed to explain "We're going to the McDonald's home, Brother and Sister McDonald, NOT the restaurant!". We still chuckle about the "Hamburger Christmas"! --Candice Hughes - Calgary, Alberta, Canada

After nursery one Sunday I saw my 3 year-old's handout. It was about trying to be like Jesus. I asked him how he could be good like Jesus. He thought for a moment and then responded, "Not be like bad Jesus." Fortunately there is not a bad Jesus, but we couldn't help but laugh at his answer. --Suzy Baller - Orem, Utah, USA

[pam]

How does Alice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend John.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet ..."

[pam]

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. When he bounces at the end of the cord and comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able catch him, so he falls again, bounces, and then comes back up.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up.

This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

On the next attempt, the second guy finally catches him and pulls him in. "What happened?" he asks. "Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but tell me ... what the heck is a 'piñata'?"

[Truegrits]

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers were ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, and she placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

[Still_Small_Voice]

Frank Sinatra got his shoes shined. After the man shining his shoes was finished, Frank asked him:

"What is the largest tip you have ever received?"

"$100 Mister Sinatra," was the man's reply.

Frank did not want to be out done in tipping so he pulled $200 in cash out of his pocket and handed it to the man that had shined shoes.

After handing him the money Mister Sinatra asked: "By the way, I'm curious, who gave you a $100 tip?"

"Why that was you Mister Sinatra," the man replied with a smile.

[daenvgiell]

what do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?

anything you like because he can't hear you...

Yeah ok, lame, but thats the reason we laugh.... because it's lame!

[foodstr2]

Have you seen the lady with the drowned chicken that was revived using CPR?

Drowned chicken given CPR

[pam]

There was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

[pam]

Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition.

After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur.

The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.

"Yep," replies the rain-forest native.

"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?"

"With my club," the primitive fellow answered.

"How big is your club?"

"Well, there are about 100 of us."

[Guest The_Doctor]

Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition.

After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur.

The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.

"Yep," replies the rain-forest native.

"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?"

"With my club," the primitive fellow answered.

"How big is your club?"

"Well, there are about 100 of us."

That one took awhile to figure out.

[Truegrits]

If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

What do you call a fish with no eye ?

FSH !

Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?

He was charged with battery.

There are 2 cowboys in the kitchen. Which one is the real cowboy?

The one on the range.

[pam]

Six year old Mary and her four year old brother Joey were sitting together in church. Joey giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church," she hissed at Joey.

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joey shot back.

Mary pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?" Joey nodded.

"They're hushers."

[pam]

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the 3rd man, who had been quiet in the corner.

She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

When he was finally able to speak, everyone could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.

"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up!"

[Truegrits]

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"! He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was still.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the Voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

[Still_Small_Voice]

Everybody at work seemed to like this joke:

There was a Bills fan, a Broncos fan, a Patriots fan, and a Chargers fan hiking to the top of a mountain. As these four crazed football fans climbed the mountain each bragged why his team was the best.

The four football fans finally reached the top of the mountain. There was a beautiful view at the top and a 500 foot cliff.

The Bills fan went completely crazy and screamed, "This is for the Bills!" Then he went and jumped off the cliff to his death.

The Broncos fan didn't want to be outdone so he yelled, "This is for the Broncos," and plunged off the cliff headfirst to his death.

The Chargers fan raised both of his hands and cried, "This is for everyone!" He then shoved the Patriots fan off.

[Truegrits]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''