TheyCallMeMom Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 my adult brother lives with my husband and I .. he has started dating the Bishops daughter who is also and adult and lives with them ( her parents) .. He has been spending nights there.. I think last night was the 4th or 5th night he has stayed over in the past two weeks.. Now I dont know what all has happened.. but IMO its extremely inappropriate and I am mostly upset that my Bishop would support this kind of behavior.. My husband and I have discussed it with my brother but he sees nothing wrong.. let me add that we ( brother included) are fairly new to the church( 6mos) and the daughter has been quite inactive for a good period of time.. anyhow.. I know that they are both adults.. and like I said, I am mostly concerned that a leader in my church is allowing this to happen in his own home.. Any Advice? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elgama Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 (edited) Are they having sex or staying in the same room etc? I know I have stayed in the same house as my LDS boyfriends with their parents nobody has broke the law of chastity and there is imo nothing untoward with that. Before we were married I spent 3 weeks sleeping on my inlaws sofa, My Father in Law and Mother in Law have held most callings at ward and stake level at some point and my husband spent 2 months on the sofa in my house we were chaperoned - when we weren't he slept in a tent in the garden. From the information you have given so far I see no reason to be concerned. -Charley Edited October 27, 2008 by Elgama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 i wouldn't get bent out of shape over it, even if they are doing something inappropriate they are adults and will have to deal with the consequences of their actions. that being said they are adults. i can understand staying over when you have a long travel but if they live in the same city there is no reason for it in my opinion..... why are you letting your adult brother stay with you, if he's mature enough for that kind of relationship why doesn't he have a place of his own? just wondering. i think you have every right to say she can't stay the night at your house. if it's really bothering you that much go and talk to the bishop about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheyCallMeMom Posted October 27, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 he lives with us to save $ till he gets married.. they live 10 min down the road.. there is no need to have a sleep over IMO I just did tn know If I should even bring it up. I mean how do you tell your Bishop you dont agree with his decision to allow it KWIM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest ceeboo Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 Hello TheyCallMeMom, Tough situation and I have little to offer.:) Just wanted to let you know TheyCallMeDad :):) God bless, Carl Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 just ask the bishop if you could meet with him for a bit. i would say something like, you know i'm new to the church and there is something that is kinda bothering me lately. i'm sure there is nothing inappropriate about it and i don't mean to question, but you know my brother lives with me so i've been aware that he has been staying over at your house. that kinda bothers me knowing the temptations that presents and the standard we are encouraged to keep. i was just wondering your perspective on it. i would avoid telling him that you disapprove, or that he shouldn't allow it. they are all adults (if it were your child i would say it's very different). just inquire to a different perspective, use your newness to the church as a good excuse. just looking to clarify the standard. lol you never know he may think they are staying at your house. lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted October 27, 2008 Share Posted October 27, 2008 · Hidden Hidden I would most definitely talk to the bishop. He might not know thay his daughter is letting your son stay over. Even adult children hide things from their parents. applepansy Link to comment
NeuroTypical Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 my adult brother lives with my husband and I ..I would think that tidbit alone qualifies as something worth being upset about. It's rough to have folks who aren't your spouse and kids living in your house.he lives with us to save $ till he gets married..Scary proposition. If his sleepover fun thing with the Bishop's daughter doesn't pan out, how many years do you think he'll be with you?LM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemidakota Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 (edited) Since it is your house and domain, I would go with your conscious on this and not allow a sleep over. It is inappropriate and can lead to a greater problem. If he feels that it is ok, I would recommend him to move out. Remember, he still has his agency to choose but it is your house, your rules, that must be followed and obey. Edited October 27, 2008 by Hemidakota Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenRaines Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 We are to Avoid the very appearance of evil. Cohabitation before marriage is not right. While not permanently living there he is cohabitating every night he stays over. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong. When my girls were at college if they had a friend, a male, come down to visit, we found other sleeping arrangements at a friends house or a motel. No sleeping over under our roof. Even if they were "just friends". Ben Raines Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
candyprpl Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 My sister was LDS and 20 yrs. old still living at home -- she was engaged and planning a wedding. Her soon to be husband lived an hour away and so sometimes he would spend the night because of the long drive. He slept on the couch bed in the family room. One morning when I was 11 yrs. old I woke up and went looking for my mom. She was over at my other sister's house helping her with a new baby. When I walked into the family room both my sister and fiance were in bed together. I was confused -- eleven year olds know more now than we knew then. I ran over to my sister's where my mom was and asked her very innocently, "Is ________ suppose to be in bed with _______." She looked shocked and told me to go play. End result -- they had to move the wedding up a few months -- my sister was 3 months pregnant when they got married. Happy ending -- they are still married, 43 years and both very active in the Church. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest DeborahC Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 Well, your brother is an adult, and it's his life. I'd say to mind your own business. If you want to ask him to move, I think that is within reason, but I don't think you should go to the Bishop. He's not stupid, after all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
countrygirl66 Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 when my h and i were dating he spent the night one time at my parents house with me. At the time I thought my parents were being unreasonable as my mom got up several times to makes sure he was still on the couch and I was in my bed. I finally stayed in my bed because i knew my mom or dad would be up to check in a few minutes. We have been married 23 years and I now understand where my mom was comming from. You just don't put yourself in that position. It is too easy to slip up if you are in that situation. Look at the strength of youth pamphlet. It applies to adults too. I would have a hard time with him living in my house and setting an example that i wouldn't want my children to think they could follow. I would talk to you brother and let him know this bothers you. Maybe mention that he is getting married soon and will eventually be a father and have his own rules. I think you can do this in a loving way and give him a choice. (basically if he can't be away from her for the night maybe they should get married now and have a smaller wedding) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest GhostRider Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 Well put... I almost fell into this. Glad i didnt! The other point that was brought up is this. Your House. Your Rules! Yes he is your brother but if it makes u uncomfortable set rules up..like. no sleepovers with the GF. Tell him that it makes u uncomfortable as said before in a loving way. When i was an adult staying with my folks i still had rules i had to follow...so should he. It all comes down to 2 things. prayer and then doing what HF tells us to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heavenguard Posted October 27, 2008 Report Share Posted October 27, 2008 I'm conservative when it comes to society at large, but liberal when it comes to the Christian circles... Personally, I don't see a problem if they're both persons are spiritually mature - and smart! - enough to not fall into that temptation, and stay in separate rooms and beds. However, being that your Bishop's house is merely 10 minutes away, I indeed see no reason why he should stay overnight at all. I think we all understand wanting to stay with your sweetie, but I've sent someone home at 4.00 in the morning, and he lives about 10 minutes away from me as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheyCallMeMom Posted October 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 28, 2008 He might not know thay his daughter is letting your son stay overits my brother, and yes he does Well, your brother is an adult, and it's his life.I'd say to mind your own business.If you want to ask him to move, I think that is within reason, but I don't think you should go to the Bishop. He's not stupid, after all.its not so much that its my brother... but its due to that fact I know the circumstances..its that a leader in my church is allowing an unmarried couple to "live, or stay nights" together..irregardless of who he is allowing .... I would expect him to say this is inappropriate and to not allow it.. Personally, I don't see a problem if they're both persons are spiritually mature -that they are not.. and the bishop knows that..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilered Posted October 29, 2008 Report Share Posted October 29, 2008 TheyCallMeMom: My counsel would be to ask to speak to your Bishop in private. In a kind way, I would let him know that you believe that it is not appropriate for your brother to spend the night at the Bishops house. You would appreciate it if he would encourage your brother to spend the night at your house, that you believe that would be more appropriate. Thank him for his consideration and see what he does with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ruthiechan Posted October 30, 2008 Report Share Posted October 30, 2008 TheyCallMeMom:My counsel would be to ask to speak to your Bishop in private. In a kind way, I would let him know that you believe that it is not appropriate for your brother to spend the night at the Bishops house. You would appreciate it if he would encourage your brother to spend the night at your house, that you believe that would be more appropriate. Thank him for his consideration and see what he does with it.I agree with this.Pray for the Spirit to be with you before you talk to him. That will help.If your Bishop seems closed off on this issue I would take it to the Stake President.You are right that the Bishop is setting a bad example. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SisterofJared Posted October 31, 2008 Report Share Posted October 31, 2008 I've found that many times our adult children would sleepover at a friends... but it was not just them sleeping over, usually a group of YSA kids would meet at a home, often a home where the YSA member lived with parents, and they would go there, have movies, play games, and chat all night. Often they slept there. Parents were home and it was supervised. Sometimes a group of YSA members would go to one of their apartments and do the same thing.... only no parent was there. They're adult. Joseph Smith says we teach correct principles and they govern themselves. As an adult, it is time for us to let them do so. Sister of Jared Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoosierGuy Posted November 7, 2008 Report Share Posted November 7, 2008 If one has a problem with the Bishop, isn't that when you should call the Stake President? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ColorMEreal Posted November 15, 2008 Report Share Posted November 15, 2008 Personally I would be prayerful over the matter and I would counsel with your Stake President in your area...ask his advice on the matter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alana Posted November 17, 2008 Report Share Posted November 17, 2008 This doesn't really seem like a 'bishop' issue. Call him up and ask to talk to him, not in the church office but just one the phone or at his house. Tell him your concerns and make sure he knows what's going on. If he is truly chaperoning that is one thing, maybe your brother likes spending time over there because it's more fun than your house and it has nothing to do with sex. Or maybe that has everything to do with it and they are treading on dangerous ground. So, as long as the bishop knows what's going on with his daughter, I wouldn't worry any more about it. If he was spending the night at a male friends house, just hanging out, would you be concerned? Do you have house rules (for adults, too) about when to be in, when to check in, etc? If not, then leave it alone. Though remember, it's your house, you make the rules. Especially if you have kids you don't need something with 'the appearance of evil' parading it's self around as if it's ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheyCallMeMom Posted December 1, 2008 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2008 I have since moved away and my brother is living with the Bishop and his girlfriend full time.. as he is no longer my bishop and no longer has authority over my moral guide, I have decided to leave the matter alone.. I guess if others in the ward are fine with it, so be it.. as for me.. If I were seeking a temple recommend from him, I would feel I would need to press the matter, but since that is no longer the case, he can do as he pleases maybe I will get to be an Auntie sooner than I expected Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemidakota Posted December 1, 2008 Report Share Posted December 1, 2008 Not necessarily…the Lord will eventually remove him if he is not acting in accordance. Thank you for your update and being opened about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
georgia2 Posted December 2, 2008 Report Share Posted December 2, 2008 Yeah, I'd be upset! Who cares if they are both adults? It's the Bishop's house! Definitely talk to the Bishop. I'd even talk to my new Bishop! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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