Online "dating" etiquette

[spirettedotter]

I have been participating on an lds dating site, and see there is a range of ways guys participate in getting to know a woman ...from slow and independent casual interaction, to overwhelmingly quick involvement. I'm impressed when a guy has enough confidence to move forward participating at a healthy medium.

I'm not comfortable when a guy asks for my contact info immediately, without getting to know me first on IM chat and email correspondence. So I'm usually not too interested if the guy isn't willing to invest time and effort into writing. Then again, my flags also go up when a guy emails me several times a day, everyday, and shows insecurities and dependence.

My question is, if an extremely PROMISING guy who appears compatible and equally yoked, responds with interest (from his first email and a brief first chat) and indicates he's anxious to write an in depth letter back when he has more time, how long would it be proper etiquette to wait, before trying to send him an email note again to remind him I'm waiting? Knowing he has a very demanding career with long hours and hasn't been online since, would you continue waiting for days, and if so, how many days?

Or would another brief message forwarded by email (even though it's his turn to respond to the the last one) after a number of days be flattering and good to encourage him to get back onto the site? I have had some old-school advice that a woman "should" only take a little step equal to the step the guys takes first, and not to be too forward or anxious. Is that old-fashioned, or not?

Do guys like to be pursued, or do they still want to be the one pursuing? If you were intrigued and not ready to give up, how many days would you wait, hoping to hear from him?

Edited December 10, 2008 by spirettedotter

[Moksha]

I have had some old-school advice that a woman "should" only take a little step equal to the step the guys takes first, and not to be too forward or anxious. Is that old-fashioned, or not?

Sounds like good advice. Whatever you do, don't use exclamation points on your first online date. It could give him the wrong impression. No women ever wants her online date to think she is a licked flash drive.

Another nugget of wisdom is not going through a checklist during your conversations.

Best wishes.

:)

[pam]

So how long have we been waiting to date for this long email back?

[Lbybug]

has he only contacted you the once? or have you talked a few times?

personally, if it was the first "major" correspondence, i'd probably wait a week. if we'd been talking for a few weeks, and i got to know his schedule a bit, that would be different. if the week was over and i still hadn't heard from him i'd probably write him off and forget about him until he wrote back (if that ever happened).

but i think this is your own personal choice. if you want to write him, write him. if you don't, then don't. it will let him get to know your personality if you send him a quick "hey haven't heard from you for awhile, just wondering how things are going?" if you want to send the note, do it. it's better than waiting around stressing out.

[spirettedotter]

I've already written him off... But the puzzling part was that we had several interactions, each time he claimed to be very interested and wanting more contact ...but just came up with urgent excuses (like illness, computer trouble, shoveling snow before dark, etc.) For someone who said he was ALL about integrity, honesty, and good communication, he displayed the exact opposite, and never came through. So he's long gone from my interest list now. If he were truly interested, he would have acted like it by following through. If he wasn't, he should have been upfront and not misleading...Just another example of a fake flake.

[Captain_Curmudgeon]

I remember the old days of the Internet when things used to get nasty on the newsgroups and people would start threatening each other and bragging about their prowess. Someone once summed it up by saying "Everyone is a black belt ... on the Internet."

Everyone is "ALL about integrity, honesty, and good communication" ... on the Internet.

[pam]

Anyone can be whoever they want to be on the internet. Anyone can say anything they think the other person wants to hear.

[Lbybug]

this is precisely why i decided to stop the whole "internet dating" thing, unless the person is within driving distance.

[FunkyTown]

I've already written him off... But the puzzling part was that we had several interactions, each time he claimed to be very interested and wanting more contact ...but just came up with urgent excuses (like illness, computer trouble, shoveling snow before dark, etc.) For someone who said he was ALL about integrity, honesty, and good communication, he displayed the exact opposite, and never came through. So he's long gone from my interest list now. If he were truly interested, he would have acted like it by following through. If he wasn't, he should have been upfront and not misleading...Just another example of a fake flake.

There could have been a couple of reasons he didn't:

1) He might have thought you weren't interested. If that's the case, no harm and no foul. If you're the type of person who thinks you're very plain with your interest, but in fact are not at all, he might have thought "Oh, well. Not a big deal. She's not interested." In a relationship, multiple people have to show they're interested. If he feels he's eternally pursuing you, he ain't gonna.

2) He might not have been interested in you. Could be that he thought he might be interested, then lost interest. In that case, he might have thought "Well, we haven't had a date. We've only talked on the Internet. It'd be pretty presumptuous of me to say to her "I have no interest in you."

3) He might have gone on vacation: Seriously. If you don't know someone that well, you might not say "I'm leaving home for a week! Later." You might, but if you don't know them that well it might not occur to you that it would matter if they knew.

4) He might be sick.

5) He might be dead.

6) He might have converted to Hinduism and is undertaking a pilgrimage to India where he will study under the great teachers.

Honestly, if you're interested in him, get in contact with him. This is a giant relationship game at the moment where you're trying to figure out what he thinks. Just ask him. The number of women who say "I just don't want any more games." and then play just this sort of "Guess what he's thinking" instead of asking - It's actually quite a lot.

[Moksha]

I was curious and took a look at LDS Planet. The women seemed pretty nice there, so I assume the collection of men would be the same. They even have a way of filtering the location of the people to 25 miles, which is within driving distance.

[pam]

I know this is the era of technology..but what happened to just good ol' fashioned face to face dating?

[FunkyTown]

I know this is the era of technology..but what happened to just good ol' fashioned face to face dating?

It died along with the telegraph, the steam engine and Harry Connick, Jr's career.

[Canuck Mormon]

I know this is the era of technology..but what happened to just good ol' fashioned face to face dating?

Hey, don't knock it. I found my wife this way. We "chatted" for a bit online, then decided to meet "face to face" and the rest is history.

[beefche]

It died along with the telegraph, the steam engine and Harry Connick, Jr's career.

Hey! No need to get personal....I happen to like steam engines.

[beefche]

I know this is the era of technology..but what happened to just good ol' fashioned face to face dating?

The problem, Pammie, is that many LDS people aren't in a central location. In my stake, the SA my age are either women or inactive. So I am unable to ever meet single dudes--unless I'm willing to go hang out at a bar...which could be fun.

When you live in CA, AZ, UT, etc. the land of MANY Mormons, you have a better chance at meeting someone at church or activities.

[FunkyTown]

Hahah. In my area, the single adults are all either 50+ or, of the three who almost within a decade of me, bitter divorcees who are angry at relationships in general.

[beefche]

Notice I said singles my age. Yep, many singles are 50+ (nothing like being hit on by a 60 y/o man....). The single people my age are typically female. But I know we have single men my age...they are inactive and want nothing to do with church. Some of the single guys my age don't attend SA activities because of the 50+ age of the ones who do attend the activities.

*sigh* Can't win....where's that online link?

[pam]

Remember I'm one of those 50+ bitter women FT referred to. mwahahaha

[pushka]

I find internet dating sites awkward too..I didn't used to, when I was drunk most of the time..it's really easy to strike up an 'interesting' conversation with enough alcohol in you, but now that I'm sober I like to say things that I really mean..so I avoid things like MSN/Yahoo messenger services nowadays, and prefer emailing.

I have had a few emails from men on a couple of LDS dating sites, one was definitely too much..over the top with compliments, urging me to reply quickly and sounding a little off when I didn't respond quickly enough..the others were okay but didn't get beyond the 1st or 2nd email to each other..

I have a low opinion of myself tho, and find new conversation difficult unless whoever I'm speaking/writing to mentions things that I can really relate to..so perhaps my emails get a little boring

Also, I find it too expensive if there are fees for the dating sites, I have joined some that are free of charge but mostly get replies from men in the USA and I'm not in a position to visit that continent yet! (Is it a continent? lol)

[pam]

The problem, Pammie, is that many LDS people aren't in a central location. In my stake, the SA my age are either women or inactive. So I am unable to ever meet single dudes--unless I'm willing to go hang out at a bar...which could be fun.

When you live in CA, AZ, UT, etc. the land of MANY Mormons, you have a better chance at meeting someone at church or activities.

Hey I live in land of many Mormons but I find it difficult meeting people of my own age.

[beefche]

First, I'm surprised that Pale didn't comment on the obvious lead in to an agist joke.

Second, I'm surprised that the SA program isn't up and running in your neck of the woods. I've heard through the grapevine that Utah has some good conferences (heck, ya'll have GAs in your backyard).

Third, not meeting people? I heard there some kind of fun thing going on next week at some restaurant in Orem/Provo with some odd characters that have some funny names. You could try hanging out with those weirdos.

[StallionMcBeastly]

First, I'm surprised that Pale didn't comment on the obvious lead in to an agist joke.

Second, I'm surprised that the SA program isn't up and running in your neck of the woods. I've heard through the grapevine that Utah has some good conferences (heck, ya'll have GAs in your backyard).

Third, not meeting people? I heard there some kind of fun thing going on next week at some restaurant in Orem/Provo with some odd characters that have some funny names. You could try hanging out with those weirdos.

I wouldn't be caught DEAD with those freaks

[mavreenrose]

since we're on the topic of land of many Mormons.. can I ask something that concerns me? I've been accepted both to Texas A&M University and BYU. TAMU has a very solid chemistry program while BYU's charm is that it's in the land of many Mormons... =)I've analyzed the pros and cons and I'm leaning towards TAMU.. should i think twice????

[foreverafter]

I would just caution people to be very careful about getting to know people through an online site. I know so many people pretending to be different than who they really are & it takes a long time to see through them on line, if you ever can. It is hard enough to tell a wolf in sheeps clothing even in person let alone on line. It's so vital we have the spirit of discernment. I would just stay clear of divorced people in general, (and I am one) especially ones who have minor children (cause dating hurts the children so much) or who have abandoned their spouse,(of course they usually would have another story) for so many of them are not truely justified (Prophets say a justified divorce is very rare) in being divorced & thus are really still married according to God & committing adultery just by even being on the dating site (as one seasoned Stake Patriarch said). You don't want to join them in that act, even on line & have to share in their punishment because you were deceiveable. Divorced parents should be putting their children 1st anyway, & not their love life & be focused on protecting, raising & healing their children by eventually mending their marriage with their ex, all marriages can be healed eventually, which is the only way to completely heal the children.

Edited March 17, 2009 by foreverafter

[blusun7]

i ve always wondered if they really work.. dating sites that is. there are not very many people around here in Ky. well lexington anyway. Its a great city but just different than many.