Why can't he say I love you when he's trunky.

[akindheart]

Hey

just hoping their might be some guys and gals out there that might be able to help my son's girlfriend understand why sometimes he doesn't say ' I love you ' to her when he writes to her. He is currently serving a mission and has been out for 16 months She has gone through this twice with him and and the second time it seem to happen right after she sent a scrapbook of the two of them. We know missionaries get trunky, but why stop saying I love you..

[Islander]

Hey

just hoping their might be some guys and gals out there that might be able to help my son's girlfriend understand why sometimes he doesn't say ' I love you ' to her when he writes to her. He is currently serving a mission and has been out for 16 months She has gone through this twice with him and and the second time it seem to happen right after she sent a scrapbook of the two of them. We know missionaries get trunky, but why stop saying I love you..

Well, I guess since we will ALL be speculating, anything goes.

There isn't a more wasted, faded, overused and many times misused phrase as "I love you." For some people it is easy just to blur it out as candy on a fair. Others have a more meaningful interpretation of that phrase. Some prefer not to say it until it feels "right" and certain, that it rings true to their own ears.

He may also want to avoid getting sentimental and nostalgic by digging into his heart. He may be trying to keep the conversation at a more superficial level and avoid feeling distracted. Missionary work is hard, tedious, monotonous work with the occasional non-drug induced highs of finding an investigator and teaching a family. To be effective you have to remain "in the zone". Amorous letter writing can be distracting.

In the other hand, one most consider the possibility that his heart has changed for whatever reason. He is trying to stay truthful and not say something he may not mean. It does happen.

[ruthiechan]

Maybe he just forgets. Maybe when she bugs him about it then he doesn't really feel like it? Who wants to say I love you after being nagged?

I personally would not worry about it. They're just words anyway. Actions speak louder than words. He still writes to her, and that right there tells me that she is still in his heart. She should feel loved that he is taking the time to write to her because he does not have to. The only person he's required to write to is his mother as far as I know.

[Palerider]

Hey

just hoping their might be some guys and gals out there that might be able to help my son's girlfriend understand why sometimes he doesn't say ' I love you ' to her when he writes to her. He is currently serving a mission and has been out for 16 months She has gone through this twice with him and and the second time it seem to happen right after she sent a scrapbook of the two of them. We know missionaries get trunky, but why stop saying I love you..

One reason might be....he dedicated his life to the Lord for 2 whole years....to foucus on Jesus Christ and the Restored Gospel. Plenty of time to say I love whoever when they get home. If she supported him she would not try to make him say it.

[BenRaines]

Pale, True. Missionaries are told to "Lock your heart" when going out to serve. It is two years.

Ben Raines

[Lbybug]

I agree with the above posts.

Perhaps the reason he's said it in letters in the past and not now IS because he's trunky. He's probably having a hard enough time concentrating on serving the Lord, knowing that he'll be home soon. To be saying I love you to a girl back home would only make that concentration that much harder.

Tell her not to worry about it. That he is doing what he needs to be doing by serving the Lord, and to continue supporting him by being his friend right now, not his girlfriend.

[beefche]

A couple of other thoughts: I would advise her to NOT say anything about it to him now and give him some time after the mission. The thing is that missionaries do get trunky and it's easy to forget the reason why they are there. But once they get used to it, they have a difficult time "turning it off" once they get home.

Now is not the time to discuss their relationship at all. And once he gets home, he'll need some time to acclimate to "civilian" life again.

[skalenfehl]

I remember the days of my youth when the words "I love you" were magical. But saying I love you to my wife is much different and infinitely more profound that when I said it as a boy on a crush. There are a few possible reasons why he no longer says I love you.

1. He is locking his heart as mentioned above and taking his mission seriously.

2. He doesn't love her (anymore).

3. He found someone else on his mission.

The above three reasons can be isolated incidences or any combination as well. I wouldn't worry about it. Having sent a scrapbook probably wasn't the best idea, especially if it reminds him of home or the fact that she is likely more serious about their relationship than he is at this juncture. He may be feeling smothered and simply wants his space. It's a classic scenario.

[NeuroTypical]

Maybe he's stopped loving her?

[Palerider]

Maybe he's stopped loving her?

thats always a chance you take....especially when he comes home and has no interest.

[trulykiwi]

One reason might be....he dedicated his life to the Lord for 2 whole years....to foucus on Jesus Christ and the Restored Gospel. Plenty of time to say I love whoever when they get home. If she supported him she would not try to make him say it.

I fully agree with this.

I don't think "I love you" is something that should be 'nagged' over. It should come from the heart at the right time.

But let him continue with his mission. Pale is right - he's dedicated his life to the Lord for 2 years... let him do that and solely focus on that.

I'm sure a mission is very hard work and one would need to remain focussed rather than constantly be reminded of things/people they are missing. To be unfocussed will make him ineffective.... tell her to be grateful for the letters she is getting :)

[akindheart]

Maybe he's stopped loving her?

That's what she worries about the most. They were really close before he left and she is such a nice girl, i can't see why he would fall out of love with her.. I'm pretty sure he is just trunky and needs to focus more on his mission right now. I just wish i could convince her of that.though.

Edited January 29, 2009 by akindheart

[siouxz72]

What does trunky mean?

[trulykiwi]

When my husband went on a mission he was told to dump his girlfriend by his stake president so he had no distractions. It did him well! I think you should ask your missionary if it is ok to date other guys, that will tell you where he is at. Better now than later! But let him focus on his mission.

[BenRaines]

Trunky is a term used to describe a missionary who seeing the end of the mission in sight all he can think about is going home and getting back to non missionary life. I think there is a lot less of it than is talked about and not really a big thing but for some it might be.

Most missionaries I knew worked harder the last months of their mission because they knew it was coming to a close instead of sitting around on thier luggage, trunks, and thinking of home.

I know as I reflected on my mission that the last year I worked a whole lot harder when I was on the backside of my mission. Knew the language a lot better too which helped.

I bet he is more focused than he is trunky.

Ben Raines

[siouxz72]

thanks ben! I knew you were old enough to know what it meant!

[sensibility]

Did you know they actually teach Young Women's lesson about what sort of letters to write to missionaries? The Church is concerned enough about this to integrate it into the official curriculum. The goal is to send our missionaries newsy, spiritually-based letters, and not to painfully remind them of what, or who, is waiting for them back home.

The lesson talks about a survey of RMs regarding the letters they received on their missions. The RMs said that letters that reminded them of everything they were missing at home were 'depressing [and] unwelcome'. More specifically, the survey found that romantic letters from the girlfriend back home were 'unwelcome'. I can only imagine that a romantic scrapbook would be worse.

It sounds like your son is truly dedicating this time to serving the Lord, instead of pining for his girlfriend. That's wonderful. You should be proud of him, and maybe advocate for him with his girlfriend, just to be sure she understands that romance right now could distract him from his calling.

I had a friend who very, very nearly left his mission because he couldn't stand to be away from his girlfriend. It happens. It's a tough two years, and your son needs all the support he can get in staying focused, both from you and from his girlfriend.

Edited January 29, 2009 by sensibility
typo

[mightynancy]

Demanding to be told "I love you" is a lot like asking for flowers. It's just not the same when you gotta ask! I don't want asked-for flowers, and I don't want an extorted "I love you." (lucky for me, I don't ever have to ask for either!)

It's immature of her to make his missionary experience about her. I'd tell her to cool her jets.

[FunkyTown]

Yep. I agree with most of this. Sending little romantic notes to a missionary who wants to actually do the work that he dedicated two years of his life to is uncool. It's distracting and completely unwelcome.

Worst case scenario: He has received revelation that she and he aren't meant to be together, in which case all the worrying in the world won't change it. Frankly, she should go out and date other people.

[Wingnut]

thanks ben! I knew you were old enough to know what it meant!

Hahaha...where's the laugh button in this forum?

My money's on a few different reasons, and none of them has to do with being trunky. If he actually were trunky, he'd be more focused on the girl than on his mission.

(1) He doesn't love her.

(2) He's focused on his mission.

(3) He's annoyed by her whininess and clinginess (sending a scrapbook isn't really appropriate for a missionary) about the whole situation.

(4) He may have other female friends that he writes to and has discovered a closer connection with one of them, and is choosing to focus on that, for whatever reason.

It may sound harsh, but the best advice I have for the OP's daughter is to get over it.

[FunkyTown]

Thank you, Wing, for being pretty much dead on the money.

[Misshalfway]

Why don't you ask him?

[FunkyTown]

She can't while he's on the mission. This is why you don't wait -two years- for someone on a mission. A lot of growing takes place during that time and rarely do people end up still being soulmates.

[Misshalfway]

Well there is this thing called mail..

[Wingnut]

I think Funky's "she can't" refers not to ability but to decorum. Obviously he's supposed to "lock his heart," and this young lady has already distracted him from that enough (scrapbooks and I'm sure frequent letters). She has also pushed him to tell her he loves her. To explicitly ask "why won't you say it?" or "what's going on?" is far too much for him to have to deal with right now. He shouldn't be focusing on those things.