Question About a Missionary?? please

[llavende]

I told my (ex-boyfriend) A missionary that I couldn't wait for him for two years before he left. We dated all of high school, and definatly did talk about marrige and children. I am however, not a mormon, and thus didn't feel like we were in the same place enough for me to commit two years. The problem is, I do love him so so much, but I told myself I had to force myself to move on. I told him that too, that I was moving on and trying to fall out of love with him. This broke his heart, and he doesnt understand why. I started dating, and didnt tell him, and he continued to write me very very sad letters explaining how confused he was and how upset. Then, he called me on mothers day and cried into the phone, and it broke my heart. I am trying to move on becuase I don't think I can be mormon and I am not 100% sure he is my soulmate, but I love him...more then I have ever loved anyone, and its killing me to hurt him like this. I am just trying to do the right thing and let him let me go and try to move on so he doesnt get more hurt, but I feel like I am just making his mission harder. Should I just stop talking to him so he can hate me, or tell him I am totally over him and dating someone else (a total lie) so he can hate me?...I dont know how to make it better, and I just wish I could.

[lestertheemt]

This is just my take........................

He needs to give his time and his full commitment to the mission he is serving. You in MHO should be on the back burner. If he gives all of his time and talents to the Lord he will be blessed and the hurt that he is currently feeling will fade. Also in MHO I think it was wrong for him to call you on Mother's day.

Just my 2 cents

[skippy740]

Don't read his letters. Collect a few and return them unopened and mark them "refused".

It's a cold response, but some men need to be doused with cold water somehow.

[tubaloth]

I agree with Skippy, but I would just explain the same thing you just told us. (I assume you have some what).

" I had to force myself to move on. I was moving on and trying to fall out of love with him. I started dating. I am trying to move on becuase I don't think I can be mormon and I am not 100% sure he is my soulmate. I am just trying to do the right thing and let him let me go and try to move on so he doesnt get more hurt, but I feel like I am just making his mission harder."

I think you need to let him know that its time to take a "Break". Its up to you if you still want to write, but I would space the letters out like every couple of months. Tell him, that for now you are moving on, but we can see what happens after he gets back. Tell him to focuse on the Lord. Tell him you are reading the Book of Mormon (I'm sure you have a copy). But tell him you need to purses your own path, while he purses his.

[BenRaines]

He is not being able to serve the Lord as a missionary should if he is pining for you. Tell him you have moved on and are dating and that he should be about the Lord's work and not writing you sad letters or calling you on Mother's Day. Rule is to call your family on Mother's Day, not your girlfriend or in this case soon to be ex-girlfriend.

[Mahonri]

If you really feel you love him, take the missionary discussions. It's the least you can do.

If it's not your cup o tea, then write him and tell him so.

If by chance you feel the Spirit and come to know it's true, let him know... that would probably motivate him to be a better missionary.

[Snow]

I told my (ex-boyfriend) A missionary that I couldn't wait for him for two years before he left. We dated all of high school, and definatly did talk about marrige and children. I am however, not a mormon, and thus didn't feel like we were in the same place enough for me to commit two years. The problem is, I do love him so so much, but I told myself I had to force myself to move on. I told him that too, that I was moving on and trying to fall out of love with him. This broke his heart, and he doesnt understand why. I started dating, and didnt tell him, and he continued to write me very very sad letters explaining how confused he was and how upset. Then, he called me on mothers day and cried into the phone, and it broke my heart. I am trying to move on becuase I don't think I can be mormon and I am not 100% sure he is my soulmate, but I love him...more then I have ever loved anyone, and its killing me to hurt him like this. I am just trying to do the right thing and let him let me go and try to move on so he doesnt get more hurt, but I feel like I am just making his mission harder. Should I just stop talking to him so he can hate me, or tell him I am totally over him and dating someone else (a total lie) so he can hate me?...I dont know how to make it better, and I just wish I could.

It is good that you ask because no one knows the actual situation better than we and no one is more qualified to give sage advice.

[llavende]

Thank you all for your responses. In regards to his calling me, I was present as family's, He didnt literally call me. The thing that makes this a challenge is that I love him. I know that at 19, it seems like a big claim but I really do, and the idea of just "writing him every few months" seems like torture. I would marry this kid, if it were not for the fact that I cannot be mormon, I have taken the discussions and while I feel that many parts of it are true, I don't believe it enough to even consider converting.

[Dravin]

It is good that you ask because no one knows the actual situation better than we and no one is more qualified to give sage advice.

I honestly think a large chunk of advice asking (and particularly on the internet) is just hoping to hear somebody else affirm what you already feel you should do.

[the Ogre]

Look, write him off. If he cannot commit to being a good missionary (while on his mission), then he will never be able to commit to you completely.

I am glad you told him.

He sounds like he is getting way too possessive and that's not healthy. If it becomes a much-bigger issue, write his mission president. If you don't know who he is, let us know which mission he is in and we can not only tell you the mission president's name and address, some of us might actually know him.

This isn't an issue of getting him off your back, but helping both of you focus on what you both need to be doing whatever that might be.

[aspenmgy]

Thank you all for your responses. In regards to his calling me, I was present as family's, He didnt literally call me. The thing that makes this a challenge is that I love him. I know that at 19, it seems like a big claim but I really do, and the idea of just "writing him every few months" seems like torture. I would marry this kid, if it were not for the fact that I cannot be mormon, I have taken the discussions and while I feel that many parts of it are true, I don't believe it enough to even consider converting.

Why were you at his family's on Mother's Day? You shouldn't have been there. Moving on is just that...MOVING on.

[llavende]

I honestly think a large chunk of advice asking (and particularly on the internet) is just hoping to hear somebody else affirm what you already feel you should do.

I think that is probably true...but I also feel like people are not totally reading this right...I dont want to write him off, and why is he being a bad missionary??

[Still_Small_Voice]

I think that is probably true...but I also feel like people are not totally reading this right...I don't want to write him off, and why is he being a bad missionary??

When you go out to serve a mission you are making a commitment to the LORD to focus entirely on Him and to do the work that is laid out for you. Men and women are encouraged to not call home and talk with others while serving a mission except on specified days. It is too hard to carry on a romantic relationship and to properly focus on the work that you need to do while serving. He should be focusing on the work he has committed to do and not be worried if you are dating other men.

[llavende]

And that doesnt seem even the least big unrealistic? He has one of the strongest spirits I have ever encountered, but that doesnt mean he is somehow magically able to not care about someone he loves being with someone else.

[the Ogre]

I think that is probably true...but I also feel like people are not totally reading this right...I dont want to write him off, and why is he being a bad missionary??

Part of being a missionary is totally focusing on being a missionary. It's very much like when one is married or in a committed relationship one should be totally focused on that relationship. Distraction is a big problem for both.

It sounds like you really like this guy, however (I know, you said you love him). I wonder if you have really committed to what you said: not waiting for him.

If not, that's fine, but I think you are making things too hard on yourself. Look, most LDS girls don't wait for their high-school sweethearts. Most go to college and meet someone else. It is a natural part of growing up.

To me, it sounds like he is a little confused about what is going on at home and is probably a bit homesick and still hasn't gotten his priorities worked out. This is the distraction that is a problem. I don't think it is you (other than you sharing some of the same confusion). He has problems and priorities to work out. Even if you aren't LDS, I am sure you understand the importance of focusing on commitments, a good-work ethic, and most importantly the reason he is there: missionary-work. Learning this focus will make him a better person after his mission and that is extremely important.

And that doesnt seem even the least big unrealistic? He has one of the strongest spirits I have ever encountered, but that doesnt mean he is somehow magically able to not care about someone he loves being with someone else.

It is realistic, but isn't easy. Being on his mission does not mean he doesn't care about you. It means he is serving G-d. Right now, you must be second, third, forth, fifth, or sixth on his list of priorities (maybe one-hundredth).

Being a missionary is never easy. Make it easier for him and let him serve G-d without making him feel guilty about leaving you at home. Support him with your love and know, right now G-d is number one for him and the work he has to do. You know, no matter what he says, his mother is probably number three or four on the priority list, how does she feel about his mission?

I think a lot of people on this board are going to have sympathy for you, but have next to none for him. Why? We understand the needs of a missionary and what it is like to have a girlfriend at home. Maybe, he should be the one to write you off. It would make things easier. You being LDS has nothing to do with this. This is good advise for every missionary.

Edited May 17, 2009 by the Ogre

[Snow]

I honestly think a large chunk of advice asking (and particularly on the internet) is just hoping to hear somebody else affirm what you already feel you should do.

You're probably right.

I cannot imagine calling someone like Dr. Laura or Dr. Phil or whoever and asking for advice. It's incomprehensible that someone with no knowledge of the situation would have a better idea of what to do than I myself having. Asking complete strangers whose background you don't know would be worse.

[Hemidakota]

I told my (ex-boyfriend) A missionary that I couldn't wait for him for two years before he left. We dated all of high school, and definatly did talk about marrige and children. I am however, not a mormon, and thus didn't feel like we were in the same place enough for me to commit two years. The problem is, I do love him so so much, but I told myself I had to force myself to move on. I told him that too, that I was moving on and trying to fall out of love with him. This broke his heart, and he doesnt understand why. I started dating, and didnt tell him, and he continued to write me very very sad letters explaining how confused he was and how upset. Then, he called me on mothers day and cried into the phone, and it broke my heart. I am trying to move on becuase I don't think I can be mormon and I am not 100% sure he is my soulmate, but I love him...more then I have ever loved anyone, and its killing me to hurt him like this. I am just trying to do the right thing and let him let me go and try to move on so he doesnt get more hurt, but I feel like I am just making his mission harder. Should I just stop talking to him so he can hate me, or tell him I am totally over him and dating someone else (a total lie) so he can hate me?...I dont know how to make it better, and I just wish I could.

True love has no bounds with time.

[Misshalfway]

You need to do what is best for you. Sometimes that means that beloved relationships end.

It isn't your job to comfort him or fix this for him or make him understand. You have stated your case. Your responsibility is ended.

You are being true to yourself. Let him deal with his heartbreak. Heck, if I were in his mission, I would be tempted to slap his cute little missionary face and tell him to snap out of it and get back to work. Breaking up with him and then discontinuing all this pining communications may just be the best thing that could happen to him right how.

Move on WITHOUT GUILT and give this pour boy to God. He will be fine.

[PeterVenkman]

I find it disturbing that so many people have suggested for you to blow him off or return his letters unopened. What a cold and unfeeling way to end a relationship. As members of the church we always say we support our missionaries (similarly to the troops) but then we go ahead and suggest that a missionary's potential fiancee ignore him and return his letters unopened and we criticize him for talking to a person he loves on mothers day.

I mean, seriously, we exclaim the importance of focusing on God and doing the work of a mission, but then we truncate love, end relationships and encourage mean spirited behavior to "force someone to move on". If you love the man, and he loves you, then your discussions should not be over.

[pam]

And what would you suggest Peter? To have her to continue to falsely continue a relationship that she feels is wrong due to her own thoughts and feelings? To have his mind on her and not on the work he is to be out out doing? Sounds to me like she pretty much has already made up her mind but is just looking for affirmation. To prolong something that appears to be inevitable anyway seems more cruel than not.

While is sounds cold hearted and cruel...I have to agree with the majority of the posters here.

[skippy740]

Peter,

It's an unfortunate sad reality of the mission field that our missionaries usually leave when they are emotionally immature. They can't handle things like a "break up" and they want things to be exactly as they were when they left.

Now, does she HAVE to return his letters? No. It's just one idea.

But his letters SHOULD be about the work he's doing, not soppy love letters about how much he misses her and wants to be with her, etc., etc., etc.

Just because a young man is worthy to serve doesn't mean they are necessarily MATURE enough to serve.

How do we give them a clue without BEING there? He's (likely) thousands of miles away from her.

A tape? That would put him into an emotional coma.

A phone call? That's against mission rules as discussed before.

A letter? He'll just keep on writing.

An email? Same thing.

Here's an idea (this just came to me): She can do a tape or write a letter WITH HIS MOTHER! Mom can express her wisdom in the letter and encourage her missionary son to focus on what he needs to focus on.

Mom can make the deal that EVERY letter he writes to his "girlfriend" will be read to his mother - so they had better be appropriate letters about his service and work. This is a deal that can be made WITHOUT consent from him - and he can't do anything about it - but focus and write about the work he should be doing.

This will build her relationship with the family (whether he likes it or not). This will "force" him to write appropriate letters to her as the family will read them (and they don't want to be embarrassed by a love-sick missionary). She can ask the family LDS questions and take the discussions with them - if she so chooses.

I'm thinking it's win-win-win all the way around!

Edited May 18, 2009 by skippy740
removed unnecessary analysis

[PeterVenkman]

I consider the vast majority of 19 year olds to be emotional people. That does not mean that they are immature, and it is not a reason to stop communication. I'm sorry, but I think people are most effective at what they do when they have some stability. If this young woman has been in a serious relationship with him, then she is essentially a part of his family, and it is simply traumatizing to suggest that she ignore his messages. Honestly, I think it is a terrible idea because it could alienate them from a future frienship that could become something else and it could hurt his feelings in a way that causes him to become resentful about certain aspects of his mission.

What would I suggest instead? Try to express your feelings and continue writing letters so that you understand each other's perspective. The break up will be hard, but from the tone of your posts you still care very much for him. You should continue to support him during his mission as his friend. It's probably the right move to date other people while he is gone, but dating other people does not necessarily mean you will get married right away. Who knows what type of friendship or relationship you two could have when this young man returns from his mission? It could be beautiful, or it could end ugly, right here, right now, while he is in a foreign environment...

Honestly, I don't think the oedipal suggestion if involving Mom to exert moral wisdom will really preserve this relationship the way I am suggesting.

We care so much about family in this church, and it just hurts me a little to see people on this forum actively suggesting that someone discontinue very strong emotional ties to another human being.

[NeuroTypical]

Oh, the vast majority of 19 year olds ARE immature - no need to avoid that point. By definition - you're not mature until the maturity centers of your brain (those that help with long-range decision planning, etc) have fully matured. And that doesn't happen until mid-20's somewhere.

Two things heal non-traumatic emotional pain of this nature - distance and time. Just have one, and the pain stays a lot longer than if you have them both.

We care so much about family in this church, and it just hurts me a little to see people on this forum actively suggesting that someone discontinue very strong emotional ties to another human being.

What an odd thing to say. Strong emotional ties do not make people family.

[PeterVenkman]

Strong emotional ties do not make people family.

Don't say that to your spouse.