Could you be having an emotional affair?

[ruthiechan]

I found this article to be well worth the read.

Emotional Affairs - Recognizing and Coping With Emotional Infidelity - Oprah.com

"Emotional cheating (with an "office husband," a chat room lover, or a newly appealing ex) steers clear of physical intimacy, but it does involve secrecy, deception, and therefore betrayal. People enmeshed in nonsexual affairs preserve their "deniability," convincing themselves they don't have to change anything. That's where they're wrong. If you think about it, it's the breach of trust, more than the sex, that's the most painful aspect of an affair and, I can tell you from my work as a psychiatrist, the most difficult to recover from.

. . .

"It's much more difficult to make your way back from a betrayal of intimate feelings than to try to refresh a marriage that may have become flat and distant. When you ignore anxiety-inducing thoughts like "I feel stuck—I wish I could run off and have fun or I feel old and dumpy—if only someone would make me feel young and sexy again," you cannot examine or deal with them in a productive manner. Instead, you unwittingly act them out, with potentially devastating results. Any good relationship takes an investment of time, effort, and emotional energy. What few people want to accept is that we can all become Sharon and Robert, and that marriage, while potentially tremendously gratifying, is always a work in progress."

[foreverafter]

I believe that emotional affairs are far more common than most people realize. People who are having thoughts & feelings or friendships or private personal discussions by phone or in person, with someone of the opposite sex other than their spouse rationalize it & hardly ever see it as wrong or adultery. You don't have to have any sexual or romantic feelings for someone to commit emotional adultery, it usually feels like you're 'just friends', so most people don't see it for what it is.

Often married people have these friendships right out in the open & their spouse often nievely or under pressure goes along with it & allows it. Just because it's not "hidden" doesn't mean it's ok. One Prophet said if he saw a woman he knew walking in a storm, he would not pick her up. One must be that careful. There are no safe personal friendships with the opposite sex after marriage.

Edited July 1, 2009 by foreverafter

[pam]

I think that's where people feel the line is drawn. No sex involved therefore not adultery.

[Honor]

I took a Marriage Prep class up at the U Institute years ago and I remember one lesson in particular on all the different types of infidelity - social, emotional, physical... etc.

The teacher first asked us for our definition of infidelity in marriage (most of us assumed something of a physical nature), but by the end of the class we concluded that it really means sharing something that should be shared with your spouse, with others.

[Guest]

There's only one meter for me to go by... I have TONS of friends - most of which are of the opposite sex. A lot of them are emotional pillars... like if I'm mad at my husband, I call one of my friends and get a sanity check. Or, if I'm one second away from buying those $1,000 Jimmy Choo shoes, I call one of my friends for emotional support to bring me back to earth. Or if I'm just down and out and my husband is not able to support, I call one of my friends to cry on.

How do I know I'm not committing emotional infidelity? Because, for each and every one of them, I don't feel the need to "hide" it from my husband.

Believe it or not, you can have strong friendships with the opposite sex and still love your husband with all your being.

[Seanette]

I don't see a problem with a married person having opposite-sex friends, but there needs to be full honesty with the spouse. I tell my husband about male friends (and make sure they meet if possible), he keeps me informed about female friends of his (mostly workmates).

It's when you start hiding things from your spouse, or putting the friendship before the marriage, that there's a problem, IMO.

[dazed-and-confused]

I TOTALLY agree with anatess,......being an emotionally involved FRIEND doesnt mean you are cheating if thats the kind of person you are and nothing is secretive concerning your spouse.

[Honor]

I TOTALLY agree with anatess,......being an emotionally involved FRIEND doesnt mean you are cheating if thats the kind of person you are and nothing is secretive concerning your spouse.

Might be worth mentioning that it's not only about full disclosure, but also reacting to how your spouse feels about the situation.

[Guest]

Might be worth mentioning that it's not only about full disclosure, but also reacting to how your spouse feels about the situation.

That's not even really it. There is a completely different purpose to friendship than to marriage. It is not about your spouse, it is about YOU. Whether he reacts negatively or not is irrelevant.

You need to be clear on what your purpose is for hanging out/spending time/emotionally investing in another person that is not your spouse. I don't sift friends according to gender - she can be my best friend because she's a girl, he can't because he's a guy? Why not? Friends are friends regardless of gender. Be clear on your purpose and make sure everybody understands it, especially your spouse. Of course, if he takes exception, then there may be something wrong with your marriage (trust issues) and you have to address that.

Edited July 2, 2009 by anatess

[pam]

Okay let me ask this. If we want no gender distinction about "best friends" would you go to a movie with a person of the opposite gender because he/she was your best friend? Without your spouse? If I were married and my best friend was male, I certainly wouldn't do some of the same activities with that friend that I might with a girlfriend.

[Seanette]

Okay let me ask this. If we want no gender distinction about "best friends" would you go to a movie with a person of the opposite gender because he/she was your best friend? Without your spouse? If I were married and my best friend was male, I certainly wouldn't do some of the same activities with that friend that I might with a girlfriend.

I might, if it were a movie my husband had no interest in and my friend and I did. I would, of course, make sure my husband was OK with this and be very upfront and aboveboard about the whole thing.

[Jamie123]

There are no safe personal friendships with the opposite sex after marriage.

That's a bit over the top. I think Seanette is right about it depending the spouse - whether it is hidden from the spouse or (if not) whether or not the spouse feels comfortable with the friendship.

I had an experience about a year ago when I regularly got talking to an American lady who took her kids to the same park I take mine to after school. She was a very intelligent and interesting person and I was keen to introduce my wife (who is also an American) to her. When they met however, I could tell that my wife (who is by no means the jealous type) was uncomfortable with this new friend. When the school term came to an end and we'd no longer be seeing each other at the park, she gave me her phone number with a view to meeting up over the vacation, but after much heart-searching I didn't call her. I felt rather mean about it - especially as my daughter loved playing with her kids - but I think in the circumstances I did the right thing.

[Guest Alana]

Honestly I'm not mature enough for my husband to hang out with friends of the opposite sex alone. If my husband and I have a fight, and he went to a friend who was a girl to cry on her shoulder or to get her advice, I'd have a problem with that.

I trust myself, I trust my husband, and we have great friends. I don't trust human weakness and for myself, I'm more comfortable without opening this can of worms. This might not be for everyone, but I'm very satisfied in my social life and friendships without hanging out with guys and without hubby going out with women from work or where ever else he might know them from.

[foreverafter]

Honestly I'm not mature enough for my husband to hang out with friends of the opposite sex alone. If my husband and I have a fight, and he went to a friend who was a girl to cry on her shoulder or to get her advice, I'd have a problem with that.

It's not that you are not mature enough, it's that you are too wise to allow your husband to hang out with or have private conversations & friendships with other women. I don't think anyone is strong enough & trustworthy enough to do so without something eventually happening. It is playing with fire. You show that you have enough self-respect to require complete faithfulness from your husband & thus you help to protect him in the process.

[Honor]

That's not even really it. There is a completely different purpose to friendship than to marriage. It is not about your spouse, it is about YOU. Whether he reacts negatively or not is irrelevant.

It's my opinion that there is not a clear right or wrong way for a spouse to feel about this situation. Certainly extremes can be irrational, but within reason, I don't think you can tell someone something like, "You shouldn't feel that way about your wife having male friends." I believe we should all strive to be understanding, but the comfort levels are GOING to vary and that's ok.

I think that it's something that people should address in the dating process - what they are and aren't comfortable with in regard to having friends and interaction with members of the opposite sex, and they should try to find someone that understands and can live with both of their expectations. If those expectations are too different, it's probably not a wise choice of a marriage partner.

It's not that you are not mature enough, it's that you are too wise to allow your husband to hang out with or have private conversations & friendships with other women.

I think it should be less about a wife "not allowing" her husband to do certain things and more about him understanding her feelings about it and choosing not to because he loves her. It's the same outcome, but a different approach to it when it comes to free will. After all - all of us are going to be more willing to do something when we know that it's our own choice. Saying that I wouldn't allow my husband to do something would most likely only build resentment over time. It implies that he'd want to do it if I wasn't standing there watching him.

Again, I think it has a lot to do with the people we choose to marry and things we identify in them BEFORE we actually make the choice to get married.

Edited July 2, 2009 by Honor

[ruthiechan]

Honestly I'm not mature enough for my husband to hang out with friends of the opposite sex alone. If my husband and I have a fight, and he went to a friend who was a girl to cry on her shoulder or to get her advice, I'd have a problem with that.

So do I. I feel fights and problems should stay between spouses (and their counselor/bishop as necessary). I know a fellow who cheated on his wife without intending to. He was helping a female friend with her relationship, he started having trouble with his relationship and while his wife was visiting her mother the two were being one another's emotional ears which led to sexual infidelity.

My second cousin never said anything bad about her husband to anyone, and she was even gracious about what she said about him after their divorce. It was a testament to me of how to treat your husband in public.

If my husband and I have a serious altercation I cry to my Heavenly Father. He's the only person who won't give me faulty advice.

[Still_Small_Voice]

If you are married you must always guard your heart. Most of this just comes from putting the Lord first in your life. The Holy Spirit will warn you if an outside relationship is getting inappropriate.

I spend forty hours a week at work. I spend more time with my co-workers than I do with my wife. It is sad but a true reality.

[lilered]

Quite frankly I don't know where an active and practicing member of the church would find time to spend with friends to discuss marriage intamacies. Between work, home teaching, relief society, church callings, home duties, tending to spouses needs and childrens soccer etc.. If one does have the time for these type of discussions on an ongoing basis, then perhaps one might want to see where in their repsonsiblities they are not doing to carve out the necessary time not to mention the lack of effort to work these things out with their spouse.

[Guest Alana]

Oh and my 'I'm not mature enough' comment, a little joking and a little serious. I don't want my husband talking behind my back, but if he does need someone to talk to, he knows I'm comfortable with him talking to his siblings, who I know.

Also, when people do cheat, I bet most of the time they really do love their spouse, but they get caught up in the action. When you're friends with the opposite sex, a lot of time an 'ego boost' comes with that relationship, and the feelings that illicits go hand in hand with a more serious relationship.

[Guest]

Okay let me ask this. If we want no gender distinction about "best friends" would you go to a movie with a person of the opposite gender because he/she was your best friend? Without your spouse? If I were married and my best friend was male, I certainly wouldn't do some of the same activities with that friend that I might with a girlfriend.

We have... many times than I can count. We have movie nights every Friday - date night. Well, sometimes my husband can't get off work early enough, and he would call a friend to take me so I won't have to sit home - a lot of times it's our best friend who goes with me - sometimes his wife can't come, so we go ourselves. Sometimes it's the other way around and I have to work and my husband goes with friends - sometimes it's a girl. Sometimes I go with my "cousins"*, all guys. Sometimes, he goes with his friends, all girls. Sometimes we all end up going together and we have to go very early so we can reserve 2 full rows at the theater. Sometimes I chat with friends on the phone all night long... sometimes it's my best friend from high school - a guy, sometimes it's my best friend from college - another guy. Sometimes it's my college friend who is now my husband's best friend - another guy, gay, but still a guy. We literally do not sift through friends according to gender...

Marital problems are for my husband and I to solve. I don't whine about it to my friends to get sympathy vote. I do bounce it off with some of them (the ones who don't gossip) for a sanity check. Cheaper than to go hire a professional shrink.

Anyway, that's why my husband married me - for an ex-runway-model it is refreshing to him to have a wife who is secure enough in our relationship to trust him around other girls. And, I don't have the "I let my husband..." gene. I don't "let my husband" do anything. He does whatever he feels needs to be done. I find it the ultimate expression of his love for me when he chooses for himself to respect me and not betray my trust in him - physically or emotionally.

*By the way, you must be Filipino if... you have more "cousins" than you can count and none of them are related to you...

Hey Pam! I did not forget your pansit! I just haven't had a chance to drop it in the mail!

[Traveler]

I do not have emotional affairs. I like people but there is no one that I would open up to like my wife. I do not trust anyone with personal things like I trust her. I have discovered, however that no matter what our intent there are things we should not do with what is called the opposite sex. I travel a lot in my work – my wife loves travel but I really do not care to travel.

One of the engineers assigned to my team was a rather overdone female. I say over done because she did too much with herself. Too much make up, too much flirting, too much touching and stuff trying to get herself accepted. Other than that she was an okay engineer. During our traveling she made some personal confessions to me – I am really bad about this sort of thing; I just say what I think. In essence I told her to get herself together. I gave her a Book of Mormon (she was a member but had not been to church in 10 years). She confessed to me that she would like to go to church but did not want to go by herself. Now the dumb part for me. I told her I go all the time to church alone but if it would help her get back to it – she could come with me.

Okay, bringing someone to church when you are traveling is not very bright. Half the ward thought she was my wife. The other half thought I was having an affair. Why would someone bring a mistress to church? What I should have done was call the Relief Society President and gotten another female to take her. Part of the problem with these kinds of things is what other people think. I am sorry if I offend anyone but appearances can effect others and not always for the good. What we think may be okay for ourselves may not help others in a positive way.

Yes I did let my wife know but she thinks that me in an awkward situation is the very height of funny.

The Traveler

[Traveler]

I do not have emotional affairs. I like people but there is no one that I would open up to like my wife. I do not trust anyone with personal things like I trust her. I have discovered, however that no matter what our intent there are things we should not do with the opposite sex. I travel a lot in my work – my wife loves travel but I really do not care to travel.

One of the engineers assigned to my team was a rather overdone female. I say over done because she did too much with herself. Too much make up, too much flirting, too much touching and stuff trying to get herself accepted. Other than that she was an okay engineer. During our traveling she made some personal confessions to me – I am really bad about this sort of thing; I just say what I think. In essence I told her to get herself together. I gave her a Book of Mormon (she was a member but had not been to church in 10 years). She confessed to me that she would like to go to church but did not want to go by herself. Now the dumb part for me. I told her I go all the time to church alone but if it would help her get back to it – she could come with me.

Okay, bringing someone to church when you are traveling is not very bright. Half the ward thought she was my wife. The other half thought I was having an affair. Why would someone bring a mistress to church? What I should have done was call the Relief Society President and gotten another female to take her. Part of the problem with these kinds of things is what other people think. I am sorry if I offend anyone but appearances can effect others and not always for the good. What we think may be okay for ourselves may not help others in a positive way.

Yes I did let my wife know but she thinks that me in an awkward situation is the very height of funny.

The Traveler

[pam]

Call me old fashioned or just call me old..either way..I just think it's inappropriate for a married person to be going out to an activity with a person of the opposite gender without their spouse. No matter how secure you might be in your marital relationship.

I second what Traveler said about the problem being what other people think. Someone seeing you out with someone other than your spouse (even innocently in your eyes) may turn out in a negative way. People and human nature have a tendency to talk. It's kind of like the gossip game where you whisper something in an ear and pass it around..just to see how much it has changed by the time it makes it around the circle.

I don't know...just not appropriate to me and that's my opinion that I'm am sticking with.

[BenRaines]

"Call me old fashioned or just call me old" OLD OLD OLD. :)

Ben Raines

[pam]

Ben, do you need a clean sock?