Mormon men crying

[annamaureen]

Logically, I know I shouldn't care if men cry - but it makes me feel awkward.

[Soul_Searcher]

While reading this Glenn Beck article, I was trying to understand my own feelings of irritation at it. What I came up with is that the author hits too closely to the truth about some things (read: Mormon men crying) without providing context. The effect is to make Mormon men look foolish, which of course was probably the intent.

I remember my dad crying on only a very few occasions when I was growing up. Once, actually. But when I entered adulthood, I saw him tear up and even cry on several occasions. The older he got, the more likely he was to cry. And there was never anything calculated or premeditated about it; his feelings just got the better of him.

I was asked to offer the benediction in our ward last Sunday, after the Primary program with the theme of eternal families. A few days before, one of our ward members miscarried in her second or third month, and another went into premature labor in her eighth month, delivering a live baby who died minutes later. So after offering thanks for the beautiful presentation of the children, I tried to offer a prayer in support of those in our ward who were suffering from recent events.

Well, I was struck so hard by emotion that I bawled and blubbered my way through the prayer; I think at least some of it was unintelligible. I was personally embarrassed, of course, but felt much worse thinking that the private pain of loss of these families was now being broadcast across our ward meetings and that I had somehow drawn attention away from the Spirit of the meeting and the difficulties they were facing and placed the spotlight upon myself. (The families involved certainly made no such public exhibition.)

So now that I've publicized my faux pas, I wonder: What is at the root of this malady of bawling Mormon men? I'm not the only one to engage in such theatrics, though my performance was perhaps more ill-timed than most. But seriously, you don't see men in general bursting into tears over sad, touching, spiritual, or otherwise emotional things. Is it a Mormon thing? Or do I just need to accept that I'm a pathetic specimen of manhood?

I havet read any of the thread, but seeing my Dad cry showed me he was human, sensitive and I respected him all the more for it. Same with my hubby who is a very sensitive and emotional person. One of the reasons I fell for him. I ALWAYS avoided macho men who never cried or showed emotion. Men who cry are real men to me.

[OneEternalSonata]

I cry almost every day. Could be singing hymns throughout the day might be to blame. I feel so joyful when the Spirit overflows my heart and tears are shed. Its such an intimate and gentle experience with my Heavenly Father.

[sixpacktr]

Oh, I agree. At appropriate times, I think appropriate expression of emotions are a good and edifying thing. At appropriate times. Such appropriate times are typically in private, I think.

Anyway, I'll be quiet now.

I know that for some women it may seem stupid, but Vort is right. We not only are expected, but expect ourselves to be able to control our emotions, whatever they may be. Let's face it, at least for my generation, your model was a John Wayne-esque cowboy, never giving into emotion, to fear, anything. You went out and DID. The emotions were for the women (sorry, I know that is male chauvinistic of me, but there it is).

I see Elder Eyring, more than any of the others, get choked up, but he never LOSES it. He is able to talk thru it, doesn't stop, etc.

My mom used to call me a bawl-gut. My wife makes fun of me because when we were dating we saw ET and I cried when he died.

Maybe I was supposed to be a girl's dad (which I was). If I'd've had sons, they'd've been merciless!

[Moksha]

Are you men listening? We like men who can cry and show emotion.

Wahhhhhhh!!!

[martybess]

It will make some man and women feel awkward to see men crying but most will understand and will be all the better for it.

[sixpacktr]

Listening to the BYU-TCU game is causing me to cry!

[Justice]

I was in so much pain the day my 16 year old daughter left for a college prep boarding school. I really don't know how I made it through the day at work.

A few weeks later my youngest daughters cat died. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy the cat. I talked to him more than anyone else. But, seeing my daughter in pain was more than I could bear.

I really don't get choked up at church very often, but I do feel the spirit at church.

If there's a guy out there who thinks he's too manly to cry, have a daughter and watch her leave your house or watch her suffer great pain of loss.

Geez... I'm tearing up just remembering those ordeals.

[Dravin]

I think one complication is that crying can communicate different things to different people. One can describe some tears and a welling in the throat, maybe even a catch in the voice with crying, or sobbing uncontrollably to the point of not being able to do anything else (aka 'useless'), or a range of things in between.

So if you ask men if they think they should cry you probably get different responses based on just what that is. Personally I don't want to see anyone, man or woman, robbed of motive power or speech while they sob uncontrollably so I'll be doing my best not to subject anyone to that, it is just too uncomfortable. If we are talking about a catch in the throat, some tears or other things on that end of the spectrum that is a lot less embarrassing to watch or experience yourself.

For the record I have no problem with a little tear flowing (depending on circumstance), and the catch in the throat style of emotion bearing. Not that I don't experience the stronger stuff, I remember when I watched The Cure at the end of that I sobbed for something like twenty minutes, it actually got my emotions so raw that I ended up crying for a few minutes at the end of Quasimodo (we watch'em back to back), luckily that happened at home. I wouldn't want to subject anyone to the latter. Generally the more private the setting the more acceptable such a display of emotion is, something like what happened at the end of The Cure is a display of very private emotions and vulnerability, not for public consumption.

So to sum it up, displays of emotion such as I've seen at General Conference are in line with something appropriate for a public Church setting, bawling like a baby, that's for private.

Edited October 25, 2009 by Dravin

[Ezequiel]

ok, Pres. Eyring's voice is always cracking with emotion in his conference addresses..

I think its totally cool. I cry all the time.

Well... not ALL the time... but, you know.

[annamaureen]

Men who cry are real men to me.

I don't know. Does not crying make a man fake? It's not bad if someone is more private with their emotions.

[beefche]

I'm in the camp of women who think crying men are sexy. Let me tell ya, nothing makes me want to hug a guy more than when I see one crying and I want to comfort him. Maybe a guy holding/caring for an infant comes close.

I'm with Dravin on the depth of crying. Tearing up and voice cracking is one thing, but actual sobbing is a more private thing. We have one guy in my ward that cries at everything--the sobbing, can't talk type of crying. It seems really insincere to me and I admit to rolling my eyes when he gets up to speak (I play a game with myself and time him when the tears start). That's definitely not "manly."

I do expect men to be able to take action when needed. But, praying includes feeling/conveying the Spirit--which often brings emotions to the forefront. So, hearing a man tear up during a prayer wouldn't make me think of him as not manly.

And for any cryers out there (this is me), it's better to pause, take a deep breath or 2, then try to speak instead of having the sobbing speak or the speak that only dogs can hear (women do this). There is absolutely nothing wrong with pausing to gain control over your speech.

[Danite]

Count me in too I tend to cry when I give talks or blessings to my children I know I cried like a baby last month when I dropped my son off at the MTC I never felt less than a man for doing it.

[Elphaba]

Well, I was struck so hard by emotion that I bawled and blubbered >snip<(The families involved certainly made no such public exhibition.)

If I were one of these women who'd experienced such a devastating loss, I would have been very touched that you were thoughtful enough to include me in your prayer. It would not have occurred to me to think you had made it all about you.

I can't think of any way to determine if Mormon men cry more, and/or why. I believe the answer would be no, given there are approximately 3.4 billion men on the planet. Obviously there are billions of men who cry, and I would think they cry no more, or no less, than Mormon men.

And most of their tears are real, not faked by smearing Vick's Vapor Rub under their eyes (jab at Beck).

People were talking about hymns that make them cry. Even though I'm no longer a member, I try very hard to choke back tears when I hear "Come Come Ye Saints," but I usually fail.

Elphaba

[Gwen]

heard this song in the car today and thought of this thread... lol....

Tough Little Boys by Gary Allan Music Video on Yahoo! Music

which made me think of this one.... lol....

YouTube - Tim McGraw-Grown Men Don't Cry (With Lyrics)

Edited October 26, 2009 by Gwen

[Guest]

Do Mormon men cry more than non-Mormon men?

I'm thinking - maybe it's just an impression brought on by a unique thing in Mormon culture - from all the churches that I've been to, LDS church is the only one that provides everybody an opportunity up at that podium. The Catholic church only has the priests and the lay people who reads parts of the gospel, leads the "responses" or the hymns up on that podium. But only the priest gives a sermon. The Born Again church that I've been to only has the minister do the sermon, same with the Baptist church.

So, I think because our men have more opportunities to testify of their beliefs, it becomes almost a given that you would see a lot more of them cry up there.

I have to say though, when I first attended Testimony Sunday meeting, I did not like it at all. There were just too many people going up there bawling and telling us all about their personal stuff. Our ward now is different. The people who usually go up on Testimony Sunday are usually bearing testimony and not just telling us the next sad episode of their life's drama. And yes, I've gotten used to the men "choking up". I'm not a choking up person myself (although, I'm a girl so it's different, I guess), but I've found myself having to pause to gain composure several times on my talks or on testimony meeting. So, I can kinda understand what the men go through.

I'm not big on emotional displays - especially by men. I've only seen my dad cry twice: Once was because he was so mad because the ER doctor couldn't take the bug out of my ear (I was screaming like the dickens!). He was crying and yelling at everybody in the ER! The second time was when he and my mom was fighting terribly.

I've only seen my husband choke up once. It was testimony meeting - and he was talking about how blessed he was to have married me... I tell ya, that was one of the times I really felt very loved.

So, I have to say, I don't like to see grown men cry, but I did appreciate the depth of emotions my husband showed that day.

My husband tells the kids to "suck it up". I tell my kids it's okay to cry as long as you're just doing it to "get an emotion out of your system" instead of using it to whine and try to get what you want.

[cleanvisit]

The only thing I can't stand is "fake crying." Maybe it is really genuine, but it still irks me nonetheless. I just can't understand how some people can cry without ever really saying anything that seems especially pertinent to me (maybe it is just my own pride getting in the way) I don't know...

[Moksha]

I bet Terry Hogan cries

I doubt John Galt ever cried

So much for real men.

[StallionMcBeastly]

Are you men listening? We like men who can cry and show emotion.

I will blubber like a baby for as long as you want baby

[Misshalfway]

I think when and how and why a man cries can show strength or weakness depending on the context. Believe me, if I went to dinner with a dude and he started crying, I might want someone to kill me to put me out of my misery. A father crying when his daughter gets married.....now that is strength.

I mean strength is strength and weakness is weakness and crying can be found in both.

[ferretrunner]

Prevent Disease.com - Why Do We Cry?

A scientific theory to why we cry... I think this quote is approrpriate for this thread:

""Crying is a highly evolved behavior," said researcher Oren Hasson, an evolutionary biologist at Tel Aviv University in Israel. "My analysis suggests that by blurring vision, tears lower defenses and reliably function as signals of submission, a cry for help, and even in a mutual display of attachment and as a group display of cohesion."

[ferretrunner]

My father almost died two years ago. He ended up having quadruple bypass surgery. Last spring, he "pinned" my rank during my commission ceremony. He is a retired Navy officer. He teared up while pinning my beret with his old rank insignia. Very appropriate. Of course, I almost lost it, too. But, so did several people watching who knew the history.