Sex offenders mother giving my daughter a hard time...

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

I posted earlier about my daughter being sexually molested for 7 years by our friends son. My daughter has been doing great, but of late the mother of the offender has been giving my daughter the evil eye every time she sees her. She also says bad stuff about my daughter and her mother. I'm not sure if she talks about me, but I don't really care if she does. I was thinking about writing her a letter, and being nice, but telling her how my daughter feels being the victim. I also found out that her son molested 4 other girls, including his sister, and even had sex with said sister. His sister went to my ex wifes soon to be step daughter and told her this info, and he has said that he did it, but mom doesn't know. I don't want to seem like I am spreading gossip, but his mother needs to know about all this. Should I inform her?? I'm tired of her hurting my daughter. My daughter and the other girls were the victims, not the offender. The mother is acting like it is my daughters fault, when it was he that took her innocence. She says that my daughter waited to press charges, because she knew he was about to get off probation. In fact it took my daughter 3 years to be able to come forth and talk about what happened to her. I am at a loss on how to stop this woman from being such a hipocrite. I am angry about it, but trying to handle it calmly. What would you guys do?? I've been thinking of talking to the Bishop. My daughter just doesn't deserve this treatment.

[Carl62]

What I don't understand is why you are still within any distance of these people at all! What, do you all live in the same neighborhood that you can't help but see each other? If you tell me that you all go to the same ward, then just switch to another ward. Simple as that. There's no church 'law' that says you can't and I've never heard of anybody being 'church disciplined' because of it. Just explain to the bishop that you would like to transfer to a different ward and why. I would avoid these people like the plague. Get them out of your hair COMPLETELY and your life will be all that much happier. Best of luck.:)

[SMG]

What I don't understand is why you are still within any distance of these people at all! What, do you all live in the same neighborhood that you can't help but see each other? If you tell me that you all go to the same ward, then just switch to another ward. Simple as that. There's no church 'law' that says you can't and I've never heard of anybody being 'church disciplined' because of it. Just explain to the bishop that you would like to transfer to a different ward and why. I would avoid these people like the plague. Get them out of your hair COMPLETELY and your life will be all that much happier. Best of luck.:)

Sometimes, a family can't afford to move away. Also, there are areas where the nearest different ward is more than an hour's drive away.

[Carl62]

Sometimes, a family can't afford to move away. Also, there are areas where the nearest different ward is more than an hour's drive away.

But if it means getting him and his daughter away from this garbage and not having to see this family ever again, an hour to church one time a week may not be all that bad. When I first joined the church when I was 16, our nearest ward was 50 minutes away and that never bothered me to drive that. Heck, I used to go to activities during the week and everything else I could. Again, the hour drive to church on Sunday (if that is actually the case) may be a small price to pay to keep everybody's sanity and happiness.

[FairChild]

I'd talk to the bishop. I don't know if he could actually do anything that could help but he may be able to give you some advice. I always figure that two heads are better than one. I wouldn't write this woman a letter. She already knows what her child did and is not going to change her behavior.

Is your daughter getting any therapy? Perhaps for a short time if you are not, also go into family therapy to find out how to best help and support your child. If you wanted, you could aslo go to the police department and ask if there is anything you could do legally to protect your daughter. If this woman is only looking at your child and not saying anything directly to her, they may not be able to do anything, however, you could make a journal of when your child and her meet and what happens at each meeting. It doesn't need to be long and lenghty postings, rather a few short statements of when and what happened at each meeting. Ask the PD for any advice. Perhaps you need to file a restraining order against this woman. Your daughter is a strong and courageous young woman. Your daughter needs to feel safe and empowered. If this man has not yet gone to jail, press charges.

It really sounds as if an evil apple did not fall far from the tree.

[willoughby6]

You and your daughter are not the victims here. That seems to be lost on the other posters. I urge you to take immediate action to the fullest of your means to put an end to the morally reprehensible actions of that son and his mother. YES SHE SHOULD BE TOLD. SWIFT AND STRONG ACTION MUST BE TAKEN WITHOUT CONSIDERATION OF THE FEELINGS OF THAT MOTHER. Then if she repents show love BUT YOUR AND YOUR DAUGHTERS MENTAL HEALTH COME BEFORE ALL OTHERS.

Edited December 2, 2009 by willoughby6

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

My daughter has stopped going to church because of the actions of the offenders family. Our nearest ward is an hour away. My daughter pressed charges last December after 3 years of on and off counseling. It finally went to arraignment about a month ago, which my ex wife, myself and my daughter went to. The mother was really angry that we had the nerve to go. But my daughter wants justice. I mean she was molested over a period of 7 years, can anyone blame her. This guy is sick and his mother just doesn't want to admit that one of her children would do such a thing. Yet 11 years ago she told her husband that his friend who had sex with his daughter was no longer welcome in her home. The whole thing is crazy. I mean we were guests in their home many a time. We became good friends with the family, and now that is gone. We avoid them for the most part and are planning on moving in a few years.

[john doe]

Talk to the police about getting a protective or restraining order where this family cannot be within a certain distance from her. Then go to the bishop and tell him the other family cannot be that close to you and let him deal with it.

[NeuroTypical]

Hi RWB!

I think I was one of the loudest advice givers in your prior threads. I'm glad your daughter is doing well.

The mother is acting like it is my daughters fault, when it was he that took her innocence.

...

I am at a loss on how to stop this woman from being such a hipocrite.

A few things:

* You can do nothing to help this woman. My advice is this: if you have concrete facts or evidence, share them with bishop and law enforcement. In the absence of concrete facts or evidence, all you have is hearsay, and acting on hearsay is indeed spreading gossip. Beyond that, make sure you know what forgiveness means and what it doesn't, and just go about your life.

* Believe it or not, you can find women like this all over the place. A good hefty number of the inmates in our prisons today, have such parents. "The world is against my poor baby!"

* Moving somewhere else really, truly, honestly is a powerful way to help your daughter move on. We put 663.8 miles between my wife (the whistleblower) and the parents of the bad guy. Yeah, there's still a boiling cauldron of "She never should have rocked the boat" and "I hope someday she'll learn to forgive" and "It's her fault our family fell apart". But hearing about that cauldron from a state away is a wonderful thing. Helping your daughter plant new roots somewhere else could be a vastly important way of helping her get ready to be a righteous and safe mother herself.

God bless,

LM

[Over43]

I didn't read all the posts. I would get an attorney, get a restraining order, and put an end to it. If you write her a letter it just perpetuates the problem. Sometimes being nice, doesn't pay off, especially in this circumstance.

[Bini]

I agree with, LM. And really appreciate this statement:

Helping your daughter plant new roots somewhere else could be a vastly important way of helping her get ready to be a righteous and safe mother herself.

You already have some good advice. I just wanted to wish you and your daughter the best with coming to a solution and overcoming this hurdle.

[ADoyle90815]

I also think you should get a restraining order against that woman and continue to press charges so that sex offender goes to jail where he belongs. It's good that your daughter is getting help to deal with this, and she's very brave to go ahead and press charges. Many molestation cases are never prosecuted because of the fear of not being believed or being blamed in some way. Abuse is NEVER the victim's fault.

Edited December 3, 2009 by ADoyle90815

[because1]

I am sorry that your daughter experienced this and that you are going through this. No one deserves that. It is natural to be angry and probably quite healthy. It is part of the grieving process and I can see that I would be grieving too. I am no professional so I think professional advice should be sought. Perhaps your bishop can help recommend some counseling from LDS Church Services if it is available in your area.

I'd suggest you focus on the court system to bring some sort of sense of justice to the situation and be sure that your daughter continues with sound counseling. Seek counseling together as a family. If he is found guilty, then his name will be put on the registered sex-offenders list. I'd suggest refraining from giving much attention to any talk that is going on no matter how negative it is. It will help keep you focused on what is most important at hand. If you think that someone else has been offended by this boy, I suggest you go through your lawyers and the PD. Perhaps the PD will investigate it. I am not sure how that works.

It takes a will of iron and a back of steel to continue to go to church where the offender is and the mother is all negative talk. It is possible, though, and stopping going to church is probably not the right answer. You need to latch on to the gospel stronger than ever. Be sure you have excellent home teachers and ask the bishop for consistent and steady spiritual support and about possibly switching wards if that is possible.

This is probably not the time to talk forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't mean that what the person did was okay or should be dismissed. It means that we allow the atonement to work in others lives as it should work in ours Allow room for the Lord to heal your hearts. It will take time but it is possible. Believe me. Avoid entrenching yourself in what's going on with all the "talk". Your daughter will be affected by your example. Stick to the legal system. Let that be your battle for now. Be sure that your daughter feels your support and love and a safe place to vent. Be sure there is a support system also for healing to take place.

Take care. Pray for guidance and the Spirit to bring you comfort and peace.

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

He has already been convicted for 2 counts (his 2 nieces) and is on the Vermont sex offender registry, although he fought them and tried to not get put on it. He was also excommunicated for what he did. Thanks you all for your thoughts on the matter. What scares me as well is that he is on Facebook, and is in contact with lots of young women. I worry that one of them may end up as a victim. I know he was forced to leave two jobs because of inappropriate behavior involving 2 women.

[john doe]

If you have information that he is contacting young girls, you need to contact the police and make them aware of it.

[Moksha]

I also found out that her son molested 4 other girls, including his sister, and even had sex with said sister.

Have the police heard this extension the the original story?

[MorningStar]

He has already been convicted for 2 counts (his 2 nieces) and is on the Vermont sex offender registry, although he fought them and tried to not get put on it. He was also excommunicated for what he did. Thanks you all for your thoughts on the matter. What scares me as well is that he is on Facebook, and is in contact with lots of young women. I worry that one of them may end up as a victim. I know he was forced to leave two jobs because of inappropriate behavior involving 2 women.

Facebook boots people off for various reasons. If you had a link showing he is a sex offender, I bet they would ban him.

[MorningStar]

For this woman to admit her son did something so awful, it's like admitting she failed as a mother. Painful thing for her to face. I would explain that to your daughter, that she is in denial because it's too painful, but that the truth will prevail. People will not believe anything she says about your daughter.

[LDSgirl]

Facebook boots people off for various reasons. If you had a link showing he is a sex offender, I bet they would ban him.

Just a reminder to be careful about meeting people in person that you meet on Facebook. Below is an article from my local paper:

Lincoln man charged with assaulting woman he met on Facebook

PS: radioactivewolfboy,

I'm very sorry that this happened to your daughter and I hope that swift justice will be forth coming through the court system!

Edited December 5, 2009 by LDSgirl

[Elphaba]

I also found out that her son molested 4 other girls, including his sister, and even had sex with said sister. His sister went to my ex wifes soon to be step daughter and told her this info, and he has said that he did it, but mom doesn't know.

I’m confused. In May of 2008, you wrote:

He also did this to 4 other girls including his 3 and 8 year old nieces and his sister and her friend.

You've known since May of 2008 that he raped his sister. If you knew, I'm sure the police knew, yes? You did tell the police?

In June of 2008 you wrote:

. . . . his mother found out that there are more girls that he did this to . . . and knows there were 5 girls total. He is getting probation for the 2 nieces, plus he has to register as a sex offender. .

Does this mean she knew there was a fifth girl, but not that it was her own daughter?

I don't want to seem like I am spreading gossip, but his mother needs to know about all this. Should I inform her??

No, Rich. Keep your daughter's rapist's secrets for him. Continue to make sure your daughter sees you more afraid of appearing to spread gossip than to say anything bad, albeit true, about her rapist.

Of course you should tell--the police. If they already know, then of course his mother knows.

Elphaba

[FairChild]

Take care of your family and don't worry about hurting your daughter's abuser's feelings. His mother is also abusing your daughter in a different way. Get a restaining order and let the other family just deal with it. If they break it, call the PD and prosecute. They will know what the rules are concerning it, you don't need to modify your behavior or where you go or what you do. FC

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

We did tell the police about the other girls and the sister. The Sister and her friend have told others that yes he has done what I had said he did, but they refuse to tell the police. When asked why she wont talk the sister said it was because it was her brother. She may have been threatened too, but I have no proof of that. I say this because my daughter was threatened. I am contacting Facebook to get his account removed and giving them his sex offender database profile address.

[RachelleDrew]

I'm not sure what state you are in, but in my state registered sex offenders are not allowed internet access at ALL. I had an employee get yanked out of work a few years ago. The cops had found his myspace page, and as a sex offender on the registry he wasn't allowed one. It doesn't matter if he was using it for contact with minors or not, he still wasn't allowed one. He's got another four years in prison for violation of parole.

I would contact his PO. He could be violating his parole/probation and will get sent back to prison for that.

[Elphaba]

. . . but of late the mother of the offender has been giving my daughter the evil eye every time she sees her.

Why is your daughter even in the same room with this woman?

I am angry about it, but trying to handle it calmly. What would you guys do??

Why are you asking people on an internet board what you should do? Why aren’t you asking a professional therapist who specializes in sexual assault what you should do?

Why are you letting your daughter watch you cower while you read posts from people who genuinely care, but have no expertise in this matter at all? People, who, by the way, think this is the first time you’ve brought this to the board when it‘s actually the fourth. People who don’t realize you’ve already been to your bishop about this, and he did nothing to protect your daughter once he knew about the rapes.

Am I being harsh again? Tough. I just read that your daughter is in the same room with her rapist’s mother, who openly displays her contempt for your daughter. I just read that you are cowering because you’re afraid people will think you’re spreading gossip if you tell this man’s mother that her daughter was raped. I just read of your justifiable pain, frustration and anger at this man, and your agony that you don’t know what you should do, and it is obvious to me you STILL don’t get it that your job is to make your daughter safe, whatever it takes.

Your job is to realize you don’t know the best way to do that, and so you need to get help, from professionals, to learn the best way to do that.

I explained this to you last April, and got a lot of flak because I wasn’t nice about it. I’m not nice about it because your daughter can’t put her emotional devastation on hold until you choose to stop cowering, and ask the right people what you should do--people with expertise in sexual assault.

Speaking as someone who was in your daughter’s shoes, and someone whose shoes your daughter will be in when she’s 54, you need to show your daughter a father who is not afraid of her rapist, who does not protect him by keeping his secrets, and who is willing to do ANYTHING to help her heal. Asking people on an internet message board does not show your daughter any of this. Asking experts about it does.

I get the impression you really just want to vent. If so, just say so. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You have been through, and continue to go through, a horrible trauma. If you just need everyone’s compassion, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

But please, don’t ask us what we would do, when you have no intentions of really taking any of it seriously. Especially when it comes from people who were also raped as children, and therefore know what your daughter needs her father to do.

Rich, I know this has been hell for you. I know you have the absolute best of intentions. I know you’ve already done so much to heal your daughter.

I really do KNOW the agony you’re experiencing, and I guarantee you it is nothing compared to what your daughter is experiencing. Actually, I’m sure you know that. And I know you’ve been doing the best you can since you discovered your daughter had been raped.

I also recall you have huge struggles with other issues that would bring anyone to his knees.

But that doesn’t matter. I’m sorry--it just doesn’t, not if you want to really help your daughter with this today. Stop coming to a message board to help you figure out what to do. Go to the professionals who specialize in sexual assault. Let your daughter see you do that, and I promise it will reassure her. She may not realize it today, but I guarantee you, as she matures, she will.

Giving her a father who knows what to do, who refuses to protect her rapist’s secrets, who doesn’t rely on an ineffective bishop who is responsible for traumatizing her further, and who is no longer afraid of what people will think, really can help reduce the suffering she will experience in her life.

By the way, did you ever apologize to the young woman who told you this man had raped her, but you didn't believe her? If so, I am very glad to hear it. If not, your daughter needs to see you do that.

Elphaba

[RachelleDrew]

Elphie is 100% right.

You have no idea how empowering it will be for your daughter to see her father stand up for her safety and emotional well-being. She is going to be petrified of her assailant's family for years to come. But if YOU take the stand and show the world that YOU aren't scared of them, it will do absolute wonders for her now negative self-esteem and fear.

Don't worry about spreading gossip. Who cares??? The rapist's family will recover from the nasty words. Your daughter may never recover from her assault if you don't take charge of this situation immediately.

Elphie isn't being rude or mean. She's being blunt, which this situation is in dire need of bluntness.