Approaching Someone With Violent Tendancies

[Melissa569]

We need a way to break the news to our room mate that he needs to move out... But we're a little nervous about it, because he has violent tendancies. Here's a little more about the situation:

I've mentioned this in the past, I don't know if some of you remember-- My husband and I had to pay off a few things, so we took in a room mate for a while to split the bills. His girlfriend had just kicked him out. So the deal was, he would move in with us, find a job we would all save up and square away our bills, and then he would move out and get his own place.

Well, after he moved in (he stays in our livingroom, we only have a one-bedroom apartment), he tells us he is bi-polar, and he no longer takes his medication, because it makes him sleep 12 hours, and he needs to be able to wake up for work. He also has a script to grow and smoke marijuana (he does smoke it, but not in my house). He does bring "magic mushrooms" in here though, and eats them... Then one afternoon while we were out of the house, he had all his furniture (bed, big screen TV, stereo, lamps, etc) brought into our Livingroom, from his ex girlfriend's house. He also installed a curtain to divide the livinroom off! He was supposed to get a storage room for his stuff, but he brought it all here instead. Its so crowded in here, It's driving me nuts... After we got home, we told him "No, this is all gonna have to go into storage as soon as possible!" He said ok, but never did it...

This was only supposed to be for a month or so, but its been 3 months. Now, during the past 2 weeks, he's been hounding me and my husband to switch to a 2-bedroom, so he can have a private room. I was like... What? Where did this notion come from?? We've each told him NO 3 times, but he keeps pressing it. Then last week, my husband went to the office to pay the rent, and our room mate followed him. This guy started asking the woman there about 2-bedroom rates, and when my husband said "We don't want to move to a 2-bedroom" our room mate started yelling over my husband, and badgering the woman there about cheaper deals for 2-bedrooms. When she told our roommate to leave, he said "Fine! These two tenants (us) are going to move out!" I had to call her later and smooth that over.

He's just getting really wierd... And now he's accusing my husband of going through his stuff and stealing from him. One second, this guy is calm and nice. The next, he's screaming, yelling, slamming things around. At first, my husband and I argued with each other, because I wanted this guy gone, and my husband thought I was overeacting. He felt sorry for the guy. But now, my husband doesn't like him anymore either. We need to tell him to move out, but we're trying to do it in such a way so we don't set him off in one of his crazy, emotional outbursts. The littlest things tend to make him explode.

Any ideas??

Edited February 13, 2010 by Melissa569

[NeuroTypical]

Lots of witnesses.

[Melissa569]

I know, right? lol

[JudoMinja]

Yeah, I would make sure you have a lot of people around when you tell him. And have something in writing to give him, letting him know that if he doesn't follow through you'll get the police involved in having him evicted.

[Gwen]

i would have the police there. set it up so they are right around the corner when you tell him (having them present might set him off prematurely), with the landlord of the apartment present. then if he blows up you have a witness and can have the police there immediately. it's nice if you can do a whole 2 weeks notice thing (not sure if you were planning on that) but be prepared to be able to move his suff out with him that instant if you have to. there is a reason that when a company fires someone they are escorted out by security and not given 2 weeks to clean out the desk.

have you verified his script for the drugs? he may be putting your family in a lot of danger, not to mention actually be the one stealing from you. guess you know why his gf kicked him out.

[Melissa569]

i would have the police there. set it up so they are right around the corner when you tell him (having them present might set him off prematurely), with the landlord of the apartment present. then if he blows up you have a witness and can have the police there immediately. it's nice if you can do a whole 2 weeks notice thing (not sure if you were planning on that) but be prepared to be able to move his suff out with him that instant if you have to. there is a reason that when a company fires someone they are escorted out by security and not given 2 weeks to clean out the desk.

have you verified his script for the drugs? he may be putting your family in a lot of danger, not to mention actually be the one stealing from you. guess you know why his gf kicked him out.

Exactly, I mean people usually falsly accuse you of things when they themselves are doing it, or at least thinking about it.

And actually, that's a good point about the script not even being real. He never did show it to us... Heck, even with just the magic mushrooms, he's putting us in dagner. You get ten years to life for posession of that. I mean, I'm sure that after the police tested us, and saw that it was only amongst HIS posessions, we could be let off. But still, just being accused of that can mess up yoru reputation.

I'm thinking we probably should have someone on standby like you guys sais, just in case he gets loony... I was kinda thinking maybe we could word it in a way that keeps him calm, but I really don't think there is a sweet way to say "get out". lol

[Iggy]

I would spike his drink or food with some of his pills so that he is calm, then have a bunch of people over and move him out.

I also would go rent a storage in HIS name, pay for a month and move everythng of his into it, then give him the key.

Also change the locks to your apartment. Don't trust him to have NOT made duplicates.

[miztrniceguy]

or you could just call the police, tell them you beleive someone you let stay with you for a few days has drugs, which you did not know, let them come and arrest him, and have him call someone to pick up his stuff.

[dazed-and-confused]

lots of good advice here...and i SO wanted to add my two cents, but it's pretty much been covered.....blast.....lol.

good luck with it all.

p.s........witnesses was the BEST one.

[Zechariah]

I'm assuming your apartment was rented to you and your husband only. What, if anything, does your rental agreement stipulate about others moving in with you, or visiting beyond a certain length of time? Maybe you have something in your rental agreement that can help you in getting him out with less chance of conflict. In any case, the landlord or manager should assist you when he is told he has to move, with the presence of the police if there is any concern about what he might do.

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

Being bipolar myself and stable for the past 13 years, I can tell you that I don't know of any meds making someone sleep 12 hours. That usually happens if someone is depressed or drained from being manic. Zyprexa will sedate you, but not for 12 hours. I would have the landlord step in to help you get rid of him, and would definitely have the police there or nearby when he is told. It's really too bad. When I realized what was wrong with me, I worked hard to get stable. You have to want it. It sounds like he doesn't want it. I'm not surprised his girlfriend kicked him out with him not being on meds. You may also need a restraining order to keep him away. Good luck to you!

Rich

[ferretrunner]

Or he's not bipolar at all. He's using magic mushrooms and pot. The rapid mood shifts speaks more to drug usage or one of the personality disorders than it does bipolar.

I agree. Have police standby and involve your landlord. You may also want to check into the rental laws in your state. If he paid you rent, and has been living there for awhile, you may have to go through legal channels to get him out, even if he's not on the lease. Every state has different rental laws.

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

A quick fact about bipolar disorder that people may not know. They have what is called rapid cyclers, and ultra rapid cyclers. I am an ultra rapid cycler. ....meaning that if I was not on meds and stable, my moods could change in a matter of minutes, or seconds. Not saying you're wrong, just educating. It could also be the drugs. Hard to say.

R

[Gwen]

also something to consider often those with psychological issues will self medicate with drugs or alcohol. his behavior could be a combination of the two.

all that however is neither here nor there. you can only help ppl so much and when it starts hurting your family and putting you in danger it's time to put a stop to it. don't feel guilty for doing what is right for you.

[marts1]

If there are no legal issues and you want him out then he is trespassing. Get some friends over to help you when you tell him to leave. I don't think the police will help you much before you tell him to get out.

[Still_Small_Voice]

May the Lord bless you to make the right decision. It is hard to be charitable and not have some people try to walk all over you.

[ferretrunner]

A quick fact about bipolar disorder that people may not know. They have what is called rapid cyclers, and ultra rapid cyclers. I am an ultra rapid cycler. ....meaning that if I was not on meds and stable, my moods could change in a matter of minutes, or seconds. Not saying you're wrong, just educating. It could also be the drugs. Hard to say.

R

According to the DSM-IV, a rapid cycle in bipolar disorder is more than 4 identifiable mood shifts in 12 months. Very rarely, the mood shifts can be more frequent. But, when you're talking daily or more frequently, most likely it's a mixed mood. There is no formal diagnosis of "ultra rapid cycling" in the DSM IV. Perhaps this designation is one of the ones that will be added in the DSM V. Rapid cycling occurs more frequently in individuals who had their first break younger, teens or early 20s. It also occurs in the population who have more severe symptoms.

Ironically, the vast majority of the "rapid cycling" (daily or weekly) patients I've seen also tested positive for meth, heroin, or some other illegal mood altering substance. I am certainly NOT saying that Wolfboy is using and in no way mean to imply that he is. However, the roommate is using. Given the information at hand, I'd be rather surprised if he is one of the roughly 1% of the population who is a rapid cycler. Perhaps my experience has led me to be a bit jaded.

But, as Wolf pointed out, it's hard to say. Either way, the man has significant issues.

Edited February 16, 2010 by ferretrunner

[Blackmarch]

We need a way to break the news to our room mate that he needs to move out... But we're a little nervous about it, because he has violent tendancies. Here's a little more about the situation:

I've mentioned this in the past, I don't know if some of you remember-- My husband and I had to pay off a few things, so we took in a room mate for a while to split the bills. His girlfriend had just kicked him out. So the deal was, he would move in with us, find a job we would all save up and square away our bills, and then he would move out and get his own place.

Well, after he moved in (he stays in our livingroom, we only have a one-bedroom apartment), he tells us he is bi-polar, and he no longer takes his medication, because it makes him sleep 12 hours, and he needs to be able to wake up for work. He also has a script to grow and smoke marijuana (he does smoke it, but not in my house). He does bring "magic mushrooms" in here though, and eats them... Then one afternoon while we were out of the house, he had all his furniture (bed, big screen TV, stereo, lamps, etc) brought into our Livingroom, from his ex girlfriend's house. He also installed a curtain to divide the livinroom off! He was supposed to get a storage room for his stuff, but he brought it all here instead. Its so crowded in here, It's driving me nuts... After we got home, we told him "No, this is all gonna have to go into storage as soon as possible!" He said ok, but never did it...

This was only supposed to be for a month or so, but its been 3 months. Now, during the past 2 weeks, he's been hounding me and my husband to switch to a 2-bedroom, so he can have a private room. I was like... What? Where did this notion come from?? We've each told him NO 3 times, but he keeps pressing it. Then last week, my husband went to the office to pay the rent, and our room mate followed him. This guy started asking the woman there about 2-bedroom rates, and when my husband said "We don't want to move to a 2-bedroom" our room mate started yelling over my husband, and badgering the woman there about cheaper deals for 2-bedrooms. When she told our roommate to leave, he said "Fine! These two tenants (us) are going to move out!" I had to call her later and smooth that over.

He's just getting really wierd... And now he's accusing my husband of going through his stuff and stealing from him. One second, this guy is calm and nice. The next, he's screaming, yelling, slamming things around. At first, my husband and I argued with each other, because I wanted this guy gone, and my husband thought I was overeacting. He felt sorry for the guy. But now, my husband doesn't like him anymore either. We need to tell him to move out, but we're trying to do it in such a way so we don't set him off in one of his crazy, emotional outbursts. The littlest things tend to make him explode.

Any ideas??

record their activities, and get affidavits from the other roommates and any other witnesses then go to the landowner, also get the police. Edited February 16, 2010 by Blackmarch

[MeIRL]

I think the best thing to do is to be direct, forceful, and even blunt. I envision a scenario like this:

"Look, Frank, you've been hounding us for too long. You're a deadbeat! Get OUT! Right now! And here, take your billy club, your brass knuckles, your sawed-off shotgun, and your SKS rifle with the loaded 30-round magazine and the illegal fully automatic modification to the firing mechanism! And don't come back, or we might have to get rough with you."

The final threat might seem a bit over the top, but trust me, such people need a firm guiding hand.

[marts1]

lol that was good.:)

[RadioactiveWolfboy]

yeah I definitely don't use, but I've been Bipolar since I was 7. I got the ultra rapid cycler diagnosis from my last doctor. ...I hope you are able to resolve your situation!

R

[FairChild]

You need to find out what you have to do legally to evict your friend. Some states if you have someone stay 30 days or longer, rent or no rent, you have to go through the legal process to get someone evicted from your home. Document everything you can with a time on it. It doesn't have to be fancy, or lot of words. Just the simple truth would do. Have people around you for safety's sake. Call the police. Tell them about your concerns. They can be there when you tell him and be there when your person removes his possions from your home. Change the locks. If you can, take pictures of everything before you tell him. That way you can show you didn't damage his possesions before he moved.

Question, cause I don't know, why would your friend have a script for pot? Because of the bipolar? Something doesn't seem quite right there.

[Blackmarch]

You need to find out what you have to do legally to evict your friend. Some states if you have someone stay 30 days or longer, rent or no rent, you have to go through the legal process to get someone evicted from your home. Document everything you can with a time on it. It doesn't have to be fancy, or lot of words. Just the simple truth would do. Have people around you for safety's sake. Call the police. Tell them about your concerns. They can be there when you tell him and be there when your person removes his possions from your home. Change the locks. If you can, take pictures of everything before you tell him. That way you can show you didn't damage his possesions before he moved.

Question, cause I don't know, why would your friend have a script for pot? Because of the bipolar? Something doesn't seem quite right there.

pictures, video, and audio recordings are really nice to have on hand in court...

also don't ever be alone in his presence, have a second person to be with you for at least being a witness if nothing else.

[Melissa569]

I would just like to ask for advice and prayers from everyone about the best way to handle this situation, and that it goes more peacefully.

Some of you might remember how I mentioned before that my husband and I have a really creepy, domineering, bullying room mate. Well, we finally got rid of him! Woohoo!

Only thing was, it hasn’t been pretty. Our room mate came back from his vacation in South America, saying that he was burping up blood, and that he was also bleeding from… Well, lets just say a very private area for a man… We were worried he had some kind of strange disease. Or that it was some pathetic plea not to be kicked out. And since he miraculously recovered, I have pretty much chalked it up to that...

So when the semi-annual apartment inspection happened 2 days ago, my father (and I) were both worried that the manager would see our room mate’s full-frame bed set up in our living room, and know that we were allowing him to live with us. So we figured it was better to just come clean.

We told the manager the whole story, how our room mate begged us to let him stay with us, for a few weeks. He promised to find a job, and then get his own place after that point. But then he started moving more and more of his stuff in while we weren’t home, and demanding we upgrade to a 2 bedroom. He was just getting really creepy, and he wouldn’t leave. So the manager agreed to post a notice on our door that our room mate must leave within 3 days.

Tomorrow (March 5th, 2010) is the 3rd day, so he has to be out by then. We might have to hang on to his bed and his TV, because he will be sleeping on a friend’s couch until he gets his pay check and can pay the deposit for his new place.

Unfortunately though, he has chosen to be extremely nasty about this. Today, I was cooking spaghetti in the kitchen, and he came in there. He dumped his bottled drink out in the sink, keeping a few tablespoons of it in the bottle. Then he made like he was gonna throw it away, but let the remaining liquid spill all over the kitchen floor. It made this loud splash noise when it hit the linoleum, very distinctive. I said, “Could you clean that up?” He was like, “Oh, ooops…. Did it spill?” I was like….. “Yes. It did.” So he wiped it up.

Then he told me, “I hope you’re ready for a divorce… Because you know darn well you haven’t been the most interesting wife over the past 5 years, and your husband’s been telling me that he wants to get the heck away from you as soon as possible. He says your relationship is over, and there is nothing you can do to fix it, because you’re just not what he wants.”

I just blew him off, and he left for work. Then I called my husband and repeated those words. My husband told me the guy was just angry for being kicked out, and don’t listen to him. So I sent our room mate a text message, saying,

“Did you really think I wouldn’t ask my husband about what you said?? He says you only told me that because you’re being kicked out. And I agree!”

Anyway, I’m just worried that he’s going to try some more shenanigans tomorrow… And I’ll be alone here. I don’t’ want to leave the house, because I don’t want him going through our personal things for revenge, or doing something to my dog and cat, maybe. Do you think I should ask some ladies from the church to come over and hang with me, until that guy leaves??

[Iggy]

Haven't you changed the locks yet? I would, and not let him. For heaven's sake - if he can't get in, he can't be a threat to you. Does this apartment complex offer you storage space? If so- then put his junk in it. Get it out of your apartment, do not store it there.

I would also check on how long you can hang onto it, before you can sell it - IF he doesn't pick it up that is.

My first husband and I kept some things for a friend of his. After six months I told the friend to come get it. Three months later I asked our attorney if I could sell it. He said I could sell it IF after three months I sent a registered/return receipt letter requesting him to pick it up or I will sell it in 30 days. After the 30 days, if he had not picked it up, then it is mine. I sent the letter right away. He signed for the letter.

It was a small cast iron claw foot bathtub complete with faucets and tap. Plus a box of clothes. I sold the tub for $1500. Tossed the clothes. Never heard from the friend either. That was 8 years ago, and it was in Oregon.