Are we teaching our children to be snooty?

[not_ashamed]

This thread will probably offend someone, which isn't my intention. Its a very real question to an observation. We teach our children to be in the world and not of the world. At very young ages we teach them about modesty, chastity and virtue. All things we should be teaching them. However I have noticed not with just my daughter but with several young women that they expect everyone to share their values and when they dont they can be rather snooty. I have made an effort to teach my kids that not everyone will share their values, it doesn't make them bad people, just people with a different set of values.

Is it possible that we have accidentally taught our children that they are "better" than others?

[Guest mormonmusic]

Definitely. I've run into people that are like that in the Church. I think you have to make time in FHE to deal with that very issue -- one's attitudes toward other people who have different values. Train them how to react in healthy ways when others do things that aren't consistent with your values.

[hordak]

This thread will probably offend someone, which isn't my intention. Its a very real question to an observation. We teach our children to be in the world and not of the world. At very young ages we teach them about modesty, chastity and virtue. All things we should be teaching them. However I have noticed not with just my daughter but with several young women that they expect everyone to share their values and when they dont they can be rather snooty. I have made an effort to teach my kids that not everyone will share their values, it doesn't make them bad people, just people with a different set of values.

Is it possible that we have accidentally taught our children that they are "better" than others?

First off. I applaud you:clap:

I do see this alot among the members of the church (though having never been in another church it could be common there as well).especially with the WoW.

I think it is very important to point this out to the youth,

[Elgama]

I teach my children what values to have, but I also teach them to look for friends that respect their values rather than share them.

I know with my friends not a one shares my values but every single one of them would be upset with me if I didn't hold true to mine

[MarginOfError]

Depending on the age of the child, they may not have developed the complexity of thought to understand that some people just do it differently. That level of thought, if I remember correctly, doesn't really develop until between 8th and 10th grade. So before that, yeah, kids are going to be a little bit snooty. After that, they ought to be able to pick up some respect.

[Elgama]

Depending on the age of the child, they may not have developed the complexity of thought to understand that some people just do it differently. That level of thought, if I remember correctly, doesn't really develop until between 8th and 10th grade. So before that, yeah, kids are going to be a little bit snooty. After that, they ought to be able to pick up some respect.

I have six year old who understands she is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I explain it to her that we do things a certain way because we are Latter Day Saints, and other people don't do things the same way because they are not. Helps having none member family the discussion comes in early under tea soaked biscuit:)

[pam]

Depending on the age of the child, they may not have developed the complexity of thought to understand that some people just do it differently. That level of thought, if I remember correctly, doesn't really develop until between 8th and 10th grade. So before that, yeah, kids are going to be a little bit snooty. After that, they ought to be able to pick up some respect.

My observation growing up actually had nothing to do with kids being LDS or not. There was always a certain group of kids that hung around together that you felt like thought they were the "in" group and anyone else didn't measure up. None of them were LDS.

I think it's the mindset of the age.

[Just_A_Guy]

One paradigm I'm trying with my 3-year-old is that, with regard to Word of Wisdom/modesty issues, instead of framing it in "good/bad" I just teach it as "God has asked me" to do X, Y, and Z; but He hasn't asked our non-LDS neighbors to do it.

But I agree with MOE and Pam, that I think a lot of it is just the way kids' brains are wired to perceive things.

[Wingnut]

It's a tough line to dance with, but I think this is a benefit of also teaching about humility. I totally see the OP's point, and I find myself occasionally slipping into that mindset even as an adult. Fortunately, I'm aware enough of it to check it before it reflects in action or conversation.

[not_ashamed]

I appreciate everyone's opinion on this. I haven't noticed this to be a problem with my youngest 2 children. My oldest is 14 and she is the one that I have to watch. I am constantly reminding her that we are all children of Heavenly Father and his love for her or her less modest peers does not differ. It's not just her though, I have seen the same thing with many young women and a few of the young men as well. I think a lot of it goes back to what wingnut mentioned, humility.

I guess my main objective is to be sure that my kids are living the gospel while at the same time not pushing others away from it, with a holier than thou attitude.

[Hemidakota]

This thread will probably offend someone, which isn't my intention. Its a very real question to an observation. We teach our children to be in the world and not of the world. At very young ages we teach them about modesty, chastity and virtue. All things we should be teaching them. However I have noticed not with just my daughter but with several young women that they expect everyone to share their values and when they don't they can be rather snooty. I have made an effort to teach my kids that not everyone will share their values, it doesn't make them bad people, just people with a different set of values.

Is it possible that we have accidentally taught our children that they are "better" than others?

It won't offend me.

Given the opportunity at times to teach the youth, you can recognize variation of teachings, whether it was by the parent or 'hanging around specific crowds' of youths that may displace the parental teachings among the youth.

Sharing of one values is not uncommon among the youth today. In away, it can be a good for the lesser committed youth to seek to better themselves. Yet, it also can be a problem for those who are, as you called them, 'SNOOTY'; displaying their values is greater than others. This is more or less, class distinction. Class distinction ended the Nephite empire, will bring the church to its knees before the return of the Savior, and will be seen again at the end of the millennium. Pride! Arrogance! Or call it being snooty.

We can teach the youth but it is still up to them in using their own agency to follow the Savior's teachings. Nothing more we can outside of overriding their agency...to me, this is not good thing to do.

I have six daughters and two sons. None of them, to this very day, are sensitive to others around them. However, not to a point when another is depicting of greater worth. They simply do not tolerated it. Parent teaching? Yes and no. They still have their agency and act for themselves.

[pam]

Some of this reminds of how we teach our children about people of other races and cultures. Many kids are brought up that they shouldn't associate with certain races and that those races are beneath them. Some principle to me.

[Hemidakota]

Pam, have you taught your children, when we hang around with a group of kids who do not share the same values, can only in the end bring you down to their level?

[pam]

Please don't be condescending to me. You are misinterpreting what I have said and what this thread is about. This thread is about whether we have taught our kids they are better than others. My analogy is pertaining to the fact that the way we teach our kids about other people is how they learn. If we teach our kids because they are LDS they are better than others is the same as how we teach our kids about other races and cultures. We aren't better. We are all children of our Father in Heaven.

But to answer your question yes. But I see that as a different scenario than what the thread is about.

[Hemidakota]

Don't misjudge my post, I was asking a question as a parent to parent.

[pam]

I apologize but just not the way it came across.

[Elgama]

Pam, have you taught your children, when we hang around with a group of kids who do not share the same values, can only in the end bring you down to their level?

Personally the only value I teach my children to search for in a friend is a friend who respects and loves you for who you are, they respect your values and will help you to keep them. They don't have to hold your values to do that, in fact sometimes someone who holds the same values, does not always mean they value you holding those values and if they don't hold them and one day decide to break them they might be very happy to take you with them. I have certainly seen the latter happen with church members

Of my bestfriends from highschool, one is gay, one is in an open relationship, one had her daughter before being married, one quite happilly had interesting escapades with a girl and a chocolate cake. Some drink alcohol, one or two love tea and coffee, one or two have experimented with various illegal substances, I could go on, but each and everyone of them when we went out together knew I would not be drinking, I would not be going home with someone that night, and would have had words to say to me if I had.

My college friends included pagans, a S&M Dungeon owning Madam, most drunk too much and slept around. They all supported me, they would take it in turns to stay sober when we went out, or make sure one of them came home with me at the end of the night so I was not walking home alone. Again not one of them expected or wanted me to compromise my values.

I was much more likely to compromise my values slightly in a group of YSA not in anyway drastic, but there wasn't the same pressure to be a missionary

Edited June 14, 2010 by Elgama

[not_ashamed]

Some of this reminds of how we teach our children about people of other races and cultures. Many kids are brought up that they shouldn't associate with certain races and that those races are beneath them. Some principle to me.

My dad has 16 siblings, some who are married outside of their race to various nationalities. I am the only LDS member in my family, needless to say with a family this large (over 80 first cousins) my kids see lots of different ways of life. I have taught them to accept all. I think thats why my oldest daughters opinions of others leaves me some what taken a back. I agree its the same principle as what you mentioned above. She seems to accept family just fine, but judges others at school or on television that do not share her values harshly.

Its a fine line it seems, to teach them to never let go of their own values and at the same time expect them to accept others as they are.

[Suzie]

Is it possible that we have accidentally taught our children that they are "better" than others?

Not sure if accidentally but in my view, I do think a lot of parents teach their kids to be "snooty" by their own examples. Sometimes in a lot of cases, you only have to speak with some of these parents to understand why the kids behave the way they do. Of course, it is not the case of all parents.

[NeuroTypical]

I have noticed not with just my daughter but with several young women that they expect everyone to share their values and when they dont they can be rather snooty. I have made an effort to teach my kids that not everyone will share their values, it doesn't make them bad people, just people with a different set of values.

We have lots of conversations with our kids on exactly this topic. The world is full of people with different opinions about things - but that doesn't make them bad guys.

It's interesting to watch - our kids play with the neighbor kids who are Catholic. They've had an amazing amount of deep theological and political issues discussed, for being under 10 yrs old. For example, they've grappled with whether dogs go to heaven, what to do and wear on Sunday, and whether it's a sin to go to disneyworld because they support "gay days".

We love to play the 'good guy/bad guy' game with movies we watch. For example, most of the kids in "diary of a wimpy kid" had some problem like being selfish or rude, or just plain being jerks, but the only real bad guys in that movie were the older kids in the truck. Everyone else was just a kid doing kid stuff, which sometimes is hurtful and horrible, but it didn't make them bad.

LM

[Guest]

No problem with my kids ages 6 and 8.

The trick for me is to teach diligently about free agency. So, when they see somebody smoking, they don't immediately say, "Oh what a bad person!" they say, I wonder if his mommy taught them that smoking is bad? (they got this from Peter Pan or something).

They see my husband and I with friends who smoke and drink. They see us defend Obama and Bush when the occassion warrants. My husband is white, I'm Asian, we have friends from all kinds of cultural backgrounds. My family is Catholic, their best friends are from Church of Christ, some Muslim, Hindu, non-denominational, etc. All good people.

They follow by example. So, if you're snotty, they will be too.

[not_ashamed]

They follow by example. So, if you're snotty, they will be too.

I am probably one of the least snooty, least judgemental people in the world. Kids do learn from example, however they are also individuals, with their own agency and personalities. I think that's a somewhat unfair statement to make. Many behaviors are learned, but I don't think all behavior can be blamed on the parent. I use to smoke, drink and I've done more than my fair share of illegal substances. So No I have never taught my kids that people who do are bad.

If I did that would be hypocritical, don't you think?

[Guest]

I am probably one of the least snooty, least judgemental people in the world. Kids do learn from example, however they are also individuals, with their own agency and personalities. I think that's a somewhat unfair statement to make. Many behaviors are learned, but I don't think all behavior can be blamed on the parent. I use to smoke, drink and I've done more than my fair share of illegal substances. So No I have never taught my kids that people who do are bad.

If I did that would be hypocritical, don't you think?

My kids are 8 and 6 year old. Trust me on this - if I'm snooty, they will be too.

Right now, they're LDS because my husband and I are. One of these days, they will exercise their free agency - probably when they're 16 or so. They might just end up being Catholics. But, that's not the point I was trying to make.

[Dove]

I had an interesting experience in church a few Sundays ago. I arrived at church just as it was starting (my husband was working, so I walked in alone).

I sat at a pew which had a family of two small children with them. When I sat down, the little girl stared at me, scowled and made faces. She may as well have stuck her tongue out at me. It was obvious she didn't want me sitting anywhere near them.

Her little brother noticed and mimicked her behavior. In fact, when they were passing the sacrament and I tried to pass it to them, he wouldn't take the tray. He was honestly distressed about taking the tray from me. I had to get his mothers attention to hand it to her.

It was pretty amazing that these young children showed such disdain for me at church. I would think that if I caught my children (no, I can't have children) doing this to people who simply sat down by them, I would certainly address that with my children.

I feel parent's attitude, disposition and example can't help but influence their childrens' behavior at that age. However, I'm not a parent, so this is only my meager two cents worth, LOL. Regardless of how they came about acting this way, I would hope the parents would strive to be aware of how they were treating others. It was hurtful to me for myself and for them to see them do it.

I believe I have read that at a certain age children rely more on their peers' attitudes and support more than their parents'. I believe that is in the teenage years. There is no doubt kids do, especially as they age, have their own personalities and agency to choose their lives and their attitudes towards it. It can be a painful thing to watch, though.

[not_ashamed]

My kids are 8 and 6 year old. Trust me on this - if I'm snooty, they will be too.

Right now, they're LDS because my husband and I are. One of these days, they will exercise their free agency - probably when they're 16 or so. They might just end up being Catholics. But, that's not the point I was trying to make.

My 9 and 7 yr olds also copy my behavior. When they become teens though it is a whole other story. I read your post to say that if my daughter is being snooty it must be because I am . That is simply not true. My concern is that LDS teens are not always accepting of others. That bothers me, because I know heavenly father loves us all the same.

I would also have to agree with dove, that in their teenage years kids are influenced more by peers than my parents. I want my kids to learn that they do not have to live like their peers to accept their peers.