Having trouble healing after Husband's infidelity

[hope2heal]

Hi all. Just needed to get some feedback/vent about some stuff I've been going through.

This is a long story, so please bear with me...

This past year has been an incredibly tough one for me. I discovered a few months back that my husband has been visiting "massage parlors" that offer "extras". He has been doing this for a couple years now, and I had no idea. He had been keeping this secret from me all the while he continued attending church, fulfilling his calling, and attending the temple. It hurts that he could do Sealings with me, and not feel any guilt while looking at me across the altar. It hurts that he would jeopardize his eternal family for a few moments of pleasure with a random hooker. (I'm sorry but that's what these women are). He has gone to our bishop, and is working through repentance. He was dis-fellowshipped for a year. He swears that he loves me more than anything, and that this will never happen again. He wants our family to be together eternally. I love him too, and want the same thing for our family. (four kids)

He is doing really well with his repentance, and is attending a weekly SA group. I too am attending a group for spouses of Sex Addicts. I feel okay most of the time, mostly when I go to group and feel like I can have other women to talk to. The thing is, I feel like they are moving along at recovering from their hurt faster than I. There are some days that I don't want to get out of bed, leave my home, etc. I know I have babies to take care of, so I push forward, try to smile through the pain, and not let my little ones see my tears.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has stuck around after the affairs. (Over the space of two years there were MANY other women.) How do you look at your spouse and not think about him with the "others"? How do you stop the obsessive thinking? Is it possible to ever be truly happy again? Is it possible to trust again? Does the "offending" spouse ever really feel empathy?

I have done my best to turn it over to God. I feel like my Savior has carried me, and continues to do so. What about when He thinks I am ready to handle things on my own? Will I really be ready?

[blackjacks]

A lot of those questions that you are asking really can only be answering by you. If you do not have a celestial marriage on this earth then you are not going to magically have one on the other side just because we loose our bodies for a time. The things that you are going through and the feelings that you are feeling are completely normal and you deserve to have those feelings.

Your husband has broken the very foundation of marriage and you are completely justified feeling as though you can never trust him again. I can relate to that completely as my now x-wife was having an affair with other women while we were together and I did my best to stick around and work through things but in the end it was my decesion to move forward and move on. If he has absolutely trodded on your feelings the way that he has with many many women like you are saying then you are more than justified in finding love with someone who would love and cherrish you the way that you deserve.

I caught my x in the act and I can relate yo your feelings about how do you look at them and not think about them with other people. It was something that I could not get over and no one can tell you how to get over the obsessive thinking cause we are not in your brain but what I did was just tried to keep myself busy with things. I just got to the point where I could no longer lie to myself and say that everything was ok and that her several infidelities did not matter to me any more and I made the decesion to end things.

I can really relate to your feelings and if you need someone to bounce ideas off of or someone who has been right where you are at pm me and I would be happy to help.

[John11111]

I can relate my wife had an affair with my brother for almost a year around 4-5 years ago. It happened again with my brother about 6 months ago now. She saw the bishop again was disfellowshiped and has been going to biweekly meetings with the Bishop.

Everyone heals at a different pace dont measure yourself to others. I find a lot of days I do okay and other days I am depressed and angry. Even years after you have doubts and anger and bouts of depression. You question everything and worry all the time.

I am still with my wife and things certainly seem better I still find it hard. At 1st its all you think about obssesive thinking sounds about right. As each day/month passes it gets a little easier and I find myself thinking about it a little less. I dont know if it will ever go away completely but I like to hope it will.

Its good that your husband is sorry and taking steps towards repentance and going to meetings. This shows he has at least acknowledged what he did was wrong and is taking steps to make ammends. This is one of the hardest parts never use it against him part of forgiving and getting past it, is letting it go. If you cant let it go you will never be happy with him.

Im guessing you are seeing a marriage counselor if not do so right away, we didnt the 1st time and I know how big a mistake that was now. Also pick up a book called "His Needs Her Needs." I think this book helped me so much in understanding why it happened. Read it together or alone for me understanding why my wife had an affair was a HUGE step in getting past the obssesive thinking part. Not only that but it will help you understand eachother better and help to strengthen your marriage.

The best thing you can do is keep praying. On the days I am having trouble I pray, Heavenly Father will always be there for you when you need him. He better then anyone understands what your going through and what you need, have faith in him.

In the end as you will hear so many times the answers and decisions from here on will come from God and yourself nobody else.

[me1600]

I am not baptized yet but felt compelled to comment. There is something very sociopaths like about a person who can go for long periods of time doing the holiest of things with his family and know he is deceiving them. It is scary. You have a right to feel leary, and to feel afraid. Can the trust be regained? well, of course I don't know him.

You deserve your family as a total sanctuary. I don't have much more to say I am so darn new. but being someone who knows sociopathic tendencies and people who don't have alot of issues with lying. it does cause concern for me.

[Elphaba]

There is something very sociopaths like about a person who can go for long periods of time doing the holiest of things with his family and know he is deceiving them. It is scary. You have a right to feel leary, and to feel afraid. Can the trust be regained? well, of course I don't know him.

You deserve your family as a total sanctuary. I don't have much more to say I am so darn new. but being someone who knows sociopathic tendencies and people who don't have alot of issues with lying. it does cause concern for me.

I agree with you that lying to a person's family is a horrible thing to do. That doesn't mean that the person who is lying is a sociopath. People lie for a lot of different reasons, most of which have nothing to do with being a sociopath.

I'm not dismissing the severity of the betrayal. And the person might, indeed, be a sociopath. But one does not automatically equate to the other.

By the way, I loved the way you described the family as a "total sanctuary." I've never heard it put in those words before, but they are perfect.

Elphaba

[jmpcs]

I am in a very similar situation as you are and it is HARD! My husband and I have five children and I found out three years ago that he had become involved with several different women over the previous years. Two of them were co-workers and one- believe it or not - was the relief society president and my closest friend in our then-ward. The affairs started out mostly emotional, but then led to more physical acts, including oral sex. After I found out, he went to the Bishop and went through a church disciplinary court, and we were able to work through it (I thought). Then last December I discovered a new affair. This time he left our home for six weeks and had a full fledged sexual affair. It was devastating. During the first three affairs, before I knew anything, he continued to be very active - YM president, Gospel Doctrine teacher, etc., and attend the temple. In fact, he was always pretty overboard religiously. But after I found out he blamed the church for being so strict with rules and regulations - basically justifying everything he had done - and became inactive for several months. He eventually realized what he was doing and went back to church and went through the Bishop's court. He has now realized that he also has an addiction. He described it as a drug. He came back home last February after realizing that the other woman had lied and manipulated and was very unstable. I have had so many mixed feelings...why would I want to be with a man who would repeatedly do this to me...can I ever trust him again...will I ever be able to move past all the lies...would I be happier alone or with someone else. I even question eternal families and wonder if I should be expected to stay with him because of that. I love him, but I never thought we would be in this situation, and it is so difficult to get past. I have definitely grown closer to God through all of this. My husband used to be my strength, but now I know I will never be able to rely on him spiritually again. During the weeks that he was gone, my 8 year old was crying in the middle of the night for him and said, "I would rather die than not have daddy here with me." It is because of my kids that I am trying to make my marriage work. I hope they won't resent me for it later or think that I was weak. Being in this situation I can honestly say that it is a much harder thing to stay than leave. I have searched for help within the church, but just like I want our problems to stay private, I realize that other people do as well and so there is hardly any help out there for members of the church going through this. Just know that you are not alone. I think it is much more common than we realize. Our husbands just happen to be ones that got caught.

[ruthiechan]

Rely on the Spirit. Always. Read your scriptures every day. Do everything you can to maintain clarity of thought and calmness of heart. I found that to be very helpful.

Satan will use your own religion against you.

Healing is possible. So is the rebirth of mutual trust.

[Vort]

I think it is much more common than we realize. Our husbands just happen to be ones that got caught.

I expect you are right. I would caution, however, that you don't go from "this is common among many men (and women)" to "all men are like this". Many men are not like this. I suspect the majority of men, and the large majority of LDS men, refuse to betray their wives through adultery.

[RescueMom]

You can recover from this. However it will take a long time, not months but probably years. I see why you should hide your sorrow from your kids, they don't have to know the details but I suspect they know something is wrong with mom and dad.

Plus it will take more tha SA and the spouse group to fix this. It will take some serious therapy both for yourself, your husband and you as a couple. The SA is good but in most cases it takes more one on one therapy to get to the real heart of the issue. Adultry is often a sign of a symptom much bigger in the person committing the act, not the actual real issue. I know many here will disagree with that, but there is always an underlining reason people have sex out of marriage, and it very rarely has anything to do with the other spouse. Most of the time the real issue has never been dealt with so one way of acting out the pain is to sin.

Of course I believe most sin is do to peoples unresolved pain.

[ctr123]

There is a group that has been a great blessing for me called surviving infildelity. I think that the creator has not been on the lds.net site in so long and new members have not been able to join. The more that I read in the fourms I see so many people that could really benifit from the group. So I started another one surviving infildelity II. So if anyone who could use support or can offer support please look for and ask for an invite. I really feel that it offered those of us in the first group alot of help. best wishes

[Still_Small_Voice]

Just know that you are not alone. I think it is much more common than we realize. Our husbands just happen to be ones that got caught.

I hope what you say is not true. There are many men and women who honor their marriage vows in and outside the church.

I think the words of Thomas Monson apply well here:

"Be careful to go to places where there is a good environment, where you won't be faced with temptation," he counseled, and repeated the words of a father to his son, "'If you ever find yourself in a place where you shouldn't ought to be, get out!'"

LDS Church News - President Thomas S. Monson: 'Preparation brings blessings'

[seeking_peace]

There is a group that has been a great blessing for me called surviving infildelity. I think that the creator has not been on the lds.net site in so long and new members have not been able to join. The more that I read in the fourms I see so many people that could really benifit from the group. So I started another one surviving infildelity II. So if anyone who could use support or can offer support please look for and ask for an invite. I really feel that it offered those of us in the first group alot of help. best wishes

Great idea CTR. That original group was my lifeline for several months. You might want to extend invitations to those who still post there.

[reader6213]

I am so sorry that this has happened to your family. Please know that you are not alone. I, too, have been dealing with a similar situation. I have been doing LOTS of research since I found out about my husband. You're doing the right thing by seeking outside help. Too many women let this kind of thing continue for years without taking a stand. (I'm assuming your husband started with pornography. This is a plague that is affecting our families, and so little is being done about it. The Priesthood Session of General Conference every six months is not going to help our men.)

" By continuing to emphasize avoidance only, we shame the MAJORITY who are already caught in the addiction into screcy and guilt. We must extend a hand of healing and support to those trapped in secrecy, so there is a safe place for them to receive help." Donald L. Hilton Jr.

"Recognize that MANY married men are secretly addicted, and we need support groups ready to help them emerge from addiction. Otherwise, we risk a natural acceptance of the secret pornography addiction that is already endemic in every demographic and religious body in the world, including our own (LDS). As men lose hope they will accept that pornography is, for them a reality that they will never overcome in this life. Support groups can lead to recovery and hope." Donald L. Hilton Jr.

These quotes are taken from the book, "He Restoreth my Soul" an excellent book about Sex Addiction. It is scary though, how all encompassing this addiction truly is. I think I read somewhere that 1/4 of all "active LDS men" has a pornography issue. That number is staggering to me. Pornography is the beginning...where we are is where this addiction CAN lead.

I am praying for you and your family, and all those that are suffering through this. I know that through our Savior, ALL things can be made right. If you need someone to talk to, you can send me a PM any time.

[travelgurl52]

How do we join your support group?

[jenom]

I am going through the same thing. I have always been a content person but I feel this bitterness and fear sucking out my goodness and the generally happy person that I try to be. I had the worst day today. I hate that there is so much fear. I met him to pick something up from him at lunch today and he was eating next door to a massage parlor. I go to the women's meetings as well and I think they are so great. I am working in my book to try to declutter my life and come to a place where I can trust the spirit because there is so much anxiety coloring everything. I love my husband. I know that he is trying but it is so hard knowing that he was with those women in the massage parlors. It is hard to feel safe when there was no lead up to the craziness that he has thrown into our lives. He too fulfilled his callings, had a job where he trained his employees to live with integrity and to listen to the spirit/sense to do the right thing in everything you do. It is so hard to trust and to function. I hate how much I have let this experience get the better of me. I feel so strange standing by him. We fight all the time. I love him so much though. Thanks for posting this. I want to get to a place where I feel peace and I want to forgive. It is so hard to trust... I have never experienced such intense emotion for such a long time. It is so unbelievably draining. I want to either recognize myself again or see that I have emerged as a much better version, but can I please skip this pain part?

[jenom]

CTR I am interested in your group if you are still having it.

[blackjacks]

I am going through the same thing. I have always been a content person but I feel this bitterness and fear sucking out my goodness and the generally happy person that I try to be. I had the worst day today. I hate that there is so much fear. I met him to pick something up from him at lunch today and he was eating next door to a massage parlor. I go to the women's meetings as well and I think they are so great. I am working in my book to try to declutter my life and come to a place where I can trust the spirit because there is so much anxiety coloring everything. I love my husband. I know that he is trying but it is so hard knowing that he was with those women in the massage parlors. It is hard to feel safe when there was no lead up to the craziness that he has thrown into our lives. He too fulfilled his callings, had a job where he trained his employees to live with integrity and to listen to the spirit/sense to do the right thing in everything you do. It is so hard to trust and to function. I hate how much I have let this experience get the better of me. I feel so strange standing by him. We fight all the time. I love him so much though. Thanks for posting this. I want to get to a place where I feel peace and I want to forgive. It is so hard to trust... I have never experienced such intense emotion for such a long time. It is so unbelievably draining. I want to either recognize myself again or see that I have emerged as a much better version, but can I please skip this pain part?

I apologize if what I am going to say sounds insensitive but I have the hardest time reading posts like these and holding my tongue. I don't understand why LDS people feel that just because they have been married in the temple or out of the temple that infidelity under ANY circumstance requires forgiveness and burial of said act and suppression....It makes absolutely no sense to me at all.

The purpose of life is to be happy not walking around next to someone who has harmed you mentally, made you look like a fool and while cheating on you with prostitutes became a pathological liar as he covered up his tracks. Not only did he lie to you he was an absolute hypocrite not practicing what he was preaching to other people around him.

I came home early from work one night and found my x-wife in bed with another woman, and once that blew up I started finding more and more lies that she was telling and hiding and felt the same as you. I felt like I was standing and living next to a complete stranger, I mean how could someone who I was married to in a sacred place to those sorts of things? I was an amazing husband, I provided for her emotional needs, I provided for her spiritual needs, I provided for her sexual needs, I provided for her monetary needs, I made her laugh, we went on trips together, her family thought I walked on water, and all of her friends loved me. I tried to forgive and forget but could not get over how wronged I had been and had absolutely NO trust for her for anything and I was miserable and tired of living that way every day.

After a lot of pondering and praying I stood up for myself and left and filed for divorce and for the first few weeks it sucked...it sucked big time but with the passing of every day I got stronger and the person I was before came back. The bitterness and resentment I felt towards her left and the real me came back the more I distanced myself from her and stopped taking her calls and texts.

Do I hate being single? Yes I can't stand it especially being in a family ward filled with couples and their kids. Did I loose my temple recommend or compromise my standings with the Lord or church? Heck no just because we are members and don't believe in divorce doesn't mean that we are automatically immune to real world situations including infidelity.

The only person that knows what will make you happy is you and you alone. You have to decide if the benefits of being with someone who has become a pathological liar while spending time in the arms of prostitutes is worth the pain you are going through. You...not your bishop, not the stake president, not the girls at the support groups no one but you know that, and if you are no longer happy with him as the direct results of HIS actions then that it's o.k, you can leave, you can file for divorce and not loose your standing with anyone.

It's perfectly o.k to leave someone who has slept with multiple prostitutes, it's o.k to not trust a pathological liar, it's o.k to have thoughts when you go some where and it's next to a massage parlor because you wouldn't be human if you didn't. In the end you have to decide what to do, either make a decision and bring peace back to you life by leaving and moving on to someone who will love, honor and cherish you.....OR stop making yourself mental because you have decided to stay with him and know you are married to a cheater and know for the rest of your life you will have these feelings but YOU have made the decision to stay and quit making yourself miserable because you now know you have made the decision to stay.

You can end what you are going through, you just have to be honest with yourself and that is so hard and took me a long time to do. The purpose of life is to be happy and it would be one thing if you were pissed cause he wouldn't put down the toilet seat and rolled the toilet paper under instead of over....but it's not. You are dealing with raw emotion from a serious situation he caused and it's o.k to leave. Once you make up your mind peace will return, just be honest with yourself and if you need any advice send me a private message I would be happy to help.

[Vort]

Wow.

Next time I get feeling really discouraged, I must remember that I live a charmed life.

[bcguy]

I am not voicing my opinion as most of what other people say are false. "Ask the experts" of why men cheat. Your feelings are not unique but you need to see a specialist to get over those feelings if your husband has changed his ways.

Why Men Cheat - Reasons Why Men Have Affairs - Redbook

The Effects Of Infidelity On A Marriage | LIVESTRONG.COM

Why Men Cheat Vs Why Women Cheat – The Top 10 Reasons Why Men And Women Cheat

[HEthePrimate]

hope2heal, I don't have any advice for you right now, but do want to offer you a big cyber-(((HUG))). I'm so sorry about what you're going through, and wish you the best.

Peace to you.

HEP

[findthehappiness]

ctr123 I am interested in that support group if you started it. Can you please guide me to where to find it? Thank you

[SoCal_Counselor]

A while back I came across this story about a man and a woman who healed from the woman's affair. I think the information from the story is exceptional. The story goes into the devastation that betrayed spouse feels and also touches on some of the things that the wayward spouse experienced. Here is a link to the story http://www.counselingwithbrian.com/files/Download/Affairs%2C%20one%20man%27s%20story.pdf. I pieced the story together from another forum. You can also check out this article from my blog: Affairs: Healing from an Affair | Improve My Marriage

[Sicily510]

Pain and heartache comes in many different circumstances, and sometimes depending on o others can't fill that emptiness that yearning to feel how we did before we were hurt. With our savior's atonement and understanding his examples can enlighten ourselves with hope, happiness, and fill that hole of confusion. I would love to share a article from a LDS website, if you've read it maybe others who haven't can...I'll add a link.

Name Withheld

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you saw me with my husband and our six children at church, you’d probably think that we weren’t much different from most LDS families. I could be the woman who leads the singing in Relief Society, and my husband could be one of the ward clerks. You’d have no way of knowing that we were once rocked by an experience that would tear most families apart.

Jim (all names are fictitious) and I fell in love in college and married while we still had several years of education ahead. I dropped out of school, and we started our family right away. We struggled in those early years trying to provide for our children and keep Jim in school. When he finally graduated and began full-time employment, it seemed as though our troubles were ending.

We moved into our first real home, and although we were still far from being well off financially, we could pay bills and afford to do some things that we hadn’t enjoyed for twelve years. We didn’t see any problems affecting our marriage, and I certainly foresaw no possibility that my husband would be unfaithful to me.

Looking back, there were plenty of warning signs. We were both so busy and caught up with our own lives that we spoke to each other only with sentences like “Remember to come home early for Marcie’s school program,” or “Don’t forget to pick up my shirts at the cleaners today.”

We had lost a lot of our intimacy. Physical contact was limited to a hug and a quick kiss in the morning. We even neglected to say “I love you.” Our marriage had a feeling of “I’d share my life with you if I had more time, but you understand how it is.” We were seldom alone together: when we went on dates, we were always with friends, and at home people always seemed to be around us.

Our spirituality had sagged. Though we still actively attended church and held ward callings, we didn’t pray together. We stopped going to the temple, and we didn’t read together from the scriptures or other Church publications. We seldom shared our spiritual goals or gospel thoughts. Foolishly, I could not imagine that anything serious could go wrong with our marriage. After all, weren’t we married in the temple, and didn’t we love each other?

I don’t know if words can describe my feelings when I learned that my husband had been involved in an affair for two years. It was more than I could comprehend. At first I denied it. But the awful realization began to crush me. I cried whenever I was by myself, but in public I pretended that things were fine. I stopped eating and dropped to ninety-five pounds. The world around me seemed to be unfocused, and sometimes I felt that I couldn’t even move.

Through all of this, a kind and loving bishop and a close friend helped me greatly. Following my husband’s confession and excommunication, our bishop regularly counseled with us, sometimes separately, sometimes together. After the shock wore off, I had an overwhelming desire to talk—to pour out my feelings of betrayal and rejection. Ironically, the person who was most readily available was Jim. I began to open up, and for the first time in years, I turned to him. I think this was the beginning of the renewal of our relationship.

The changes we had to make did not happen overnight. It took years to repair the damage and learn how to nurture our relationship. We had to realize that we both were responsible for our actions. Elder Marion D. Hanks has said, “Much that happens to us in this life we cannot control; we only respond. But much of the pain we suffer and inevitably impose upon others is self-induced through our own bad judgment, through poor choices.” (Ensign, Nov. 1986, p. 11.)

On the other hand, we had to quit blaming each other and ourselves. At times I blamed my husband, at times I blamed myself, and at times I blamed the Lord. Even in my prayers, I’d sometimes say, “How could you let this happen? I thought you loved me.” We had to learn to be fair with each other and with God.

We also had to learn to communicate meaningfully. We had to become friends again—to start paying attention to each other and to find time just for ourselves. We had to learn how to forgive. Though the process was slow, I often felt the comfort of the Holy Ghost enfold me like a warm comforter. My pain did not lessen for a long time, but the Spirit helped me to know that the pain would pass away and I would once more find joy in living.

I had previously assumed that forgiving would be extremely difficult if someone had greatly offended me. But as the hurt, anger, and bitterness began to fade, I realized that I still loved Jim. Forgiveness then seemed to come naturally. What was most difficult, though, was rebuilding my trust in him.

Many couples find it impossible to rebuild that trust. I feel that I was fortunate. Jim’s sincere repentance and his desire to prove trustworthy helped tremendously. But I also know that Satan frequently introduced thoughts of distrust into my mind to keep our marriage from becoming strong and sacred.

Why did our marriage survive infidelity when so many others have failed? We were committed to the idea that marriage is eternal. We believed that our marriage was worth fighting for, and we were willing to pay the price to save it. These thoughts may have been what finally prompted Jim to confess rather than leave. Once we made up our minds to try to save our marriage, we committed ourselves to each other. Jim has told me that the strength he felt in that renewed commitment helped him make the strenuous effort it took to regain his membership and temple blessings.

Jim and I have learned what we should have done to avoid trouble in our marriage. We should not have thought that marital problems happen to other people. Some of those “others” were our friends. Why had we thought we were invulnerable?

We should have put each other first. When Jim was still in school, he studied at the library in the evenings. I enjoyed spending that time with the children or working on personal projects. But after Jim’s graduation, he was suddenly home most nights, and I resented the “intrusion” on my time.

We should have kept up the feeling of being sweethearts. We should have kept the words “I love you” in our vocabulary. We should have kept doing thoughtful, considerate things for each other.

We also learned firsthand that repentance and forgiveness can be complete through the atonement of Christ. We learned how valuable the gospel is in strengthening and guiding us. As we began to study the scriptures and Church publications together and to pray as a couple, we were amazed at the direction and strength we received.

We learned to trust in the Lord. I had previously believed that I was a capable, independent, self-sufficient person, able to handle difficult situations and crises calmly and well. But when I found myself totally incapable of coping on my own, I discovered the difference between leaning on the arm of flesh and relying on the Savior. In learning to walk by faith, I learned how the Lord can comfort and relieve anguish; how he can teach us wisdom, justice, and mercy; how he can lead us. Elder Neal A. Maxwell tells us that “we can … actually do as Peter urged and cast our cares upon the Lord (see 1 Pet. 5:7); He is familiar with them, including even the feeling of being forsaken (see Mark 14:50; Mark 15:34). Nothing is beyond His redeeming reach or His encircling empathy.” (Ensign, May 1987, p. 72.)

We learned how very fallible and imperfect we are. Often it takes a painful experience to remind us how much we still need to learn. It is in Christ that we are perfected, not in ourselves. As children, we used to play the game “Mother, May I?” Sometimes we could take baby steps, sometimes giant steps. In this life, sometimes we take baby steps and sometimes we must stretch spiritually and take giant steps toward our Heavenly Father.

Finally, I learned that we must let go of the past. The Apostle Paul said, “But this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark.” (Philip. 3:13–14; italics added.)

I was counseled that I could not begin a new life unless I could turn my back on the old one. Rehashing the events that had transpired, recrimination, and retribution could serve no worthy purpose. In time, I was able to do this, and I have never regretted that I did.

We hope that you will be more cautious than we were. Continue to nurture your marriage as you do your children. Make sure that you spend time with each other, even if you have to schedule it. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that, because you love your spouse, you are protected from developing interest in someone else. Avoid discussing personal problems or marital unhappiness with anyone other than your partner, and be aware that a long-term or a close working relationship with a person of the opposite sex can lead to emotional intimacy, which almost always precedes physical intimacy.

If your marriage is based on truth and integrity, it will have great strength. If you honor the covenants you have made with each other and with God, you can experience the guidance and power of the Holy Ghost. The greatest protection from the power of the adversary is to spiritually fortify yourselves and your marriage. In the end, we can have no greater honor than to stand before Jesus Christ as worthy sons and daughters of God and to receive together our crown of exaltation. It is a price worth paying.

The Greatest Test a Marriage Can Have - Ensign Aug. 1988 - ensign

[Forget-Me-Not]

Hi all. Just needed to get some feedback/vent about some stuff I've been going through.

This is a long story, so please bear with me...

This past year has been an incredibly tough one for me. I discovered a few months back that my husband has been visiting "massage parlors" that offer "extras". He has been doing this for a couple years now, and I had no idea. He had been keeping this secret from me all the while he continued attending church, fulfilling his calling, and attending the temple. It hurts that he could do Sealings with me, and not feel any guilt while looking at me across the altar. It hurts that he would jeopardize his eternal family for a few moments of pleasure with a random hooker. (I'm sorry but that's what these women are). He has gone to our bishop, and is working through repentance. He was dis-fellowshipped for a year. He swears that he loves me more than anything, and that this will never happen again. He wants our family to be together eternally. I love him too, and want the same thing for our family. (four kids)

He is doing really well with his repentance, and is attending a weekly SA group. I too am attending a group for spouses of Sex Addicts. I feel okay most of the time, mostly when I go to group and feel like I can have other women to talk to. The thing is, I feel like they are moving along at recovering from their hurt faster than I. There are some days that I don't want to get out of bed, leave my home, etc. I know I have babies to take care of, so I push forward, try to smile through the pain, and not let my little ones see my tears.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has stuck around after the affairs. (Over the space of two years there were MANY other women.) How do you look at your spouse and not think about him with the "others"? How do you stop the obsessive thinking? Is it possible to ever be truly happy again? Is it possible to trust again? Does the "offending" spouse ever really feel empathy?

I have done my best to turn it over to God. I feel like my Savior has carried me, and continues to do so. What about when He thinks I am ready to handle things on my own? Will I really be ready?

Oh my gosh, you have me weeping. I have not read any further than your post so don't know what anyone else said, but I was so moved.

Infidelity is something I've never had to deal with, so take this in that light, please. For most of my adult life I believed that if my boyfriend or husband ever cheated, that would be the end and I would never be able to forgive enough to continue to stay with that person.

But, as I was realizing the love that did not exist between myself and my ex-husband and how deep my longings were for the love of a man that truly loved me, I would think on what I wanted and needed where love was concerned and it was during that time when I realized that if I had a husband that I truly loved I would be able to forgive him anything. Not that it would be easy, mind you, but I just realized that about my ability to love, which I did not know I had within me before that time.

So, now I'll try to get to the point I wanted to make. And don't apologize for your post being long. I only wish my posts could be so short, clear, and concise.

I am in a new situation in my life where I love a man, who loves me, but he is going through things he won't explain and has decided "we" won't work, but won't tell me why. He still loves me, but he has given up on us for some reason and isn't talking to me, at all.

At times I sink into dispair. Sometimes I've slipped into resentment and anger. It hurts me to be angry with him, though, because I love him so deeply and it feels as if I'm wounding him by feeling resentment or anger toward him. And that wounds my heart.

So, aside from my sorrow and grief, which I pray for daily to have eased, when I slip into resentment, or anger toward this man especially (though this could apply to any emotion) I plead with the Lord for two things:

To soften my heart toward this man I love so much, is one. The other is that the Lord will help me see into this man's heart and see him as the Lord does that I may have an increase of love and compassion for him.

I cannot begin to tell you how much more my love has grown for this man since I began doing this. There are still days when I think I will never recover from my deep sense of sorrow and loss at not having him in my life now, but I love him more each and every day, and even in my sorrow, loving him brings me joy.

Any great loss is painful and you are mourning a great loss in having the loss of the fedelity of your husband. The loss of trust that would unavoidably bring must be profoundly painful and I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.

Grief is a process, though, that no two people handle the same, nor is there a pace or timetable that is the same for everyone to recover. Take comfort, though, that you have such love in your heart for this man that you are willing to go through his process of repentance and your process of forgiveness. That takes great love. He is a very blessed man to have you.