Would it do more damage to come clean?

[applepansy]

Applepansy, while I truly do appreciate your question, it might not be relevant here. I posted under the Marriage and relationship advice because It has to do with my particular situation and whether or not it would be more beneficial to reveal my true feelings and risk my current lifestyle, or continue to live the way that I am, but just secretly not believe.

I understand why you and others are curious about how I became an unbeliever, however that might be better explored in a more relevant thread.

My point is: fix the faith issue and then there isn't one to be discussed with your wife or bishop or whomever.

[kimzirker]

I couldn't agree more with every single thing Gwen posted on this thread. If you were smart, you'd do exactly what she advised. I was talking to a Stake President friend of mine recently and he gave me the best words of advice I've ever heard. "All truth is good. Even the potentially hurtful, painful, terrible truth." I couldn't agree more. Tell her. Talk to your branch president. Keep the kids on the 'need to know' list at the right time and in the right amounts. Everyone struggles. I've spent more than a few years of my life going through the motions of church activity and callings. Don't cheat yourself out of an honest relationship with your wife. She deserves that and frankly, so do you. Witholding such a huge thing from your wife might work for now, but in the long run it will not benefit you, her, the branch members, your students, or your kids. Good luck to you.

[classylady]

As a spouse, I would definitely want to know what is going on. If my husband told me he didn't believe any more, it would be so hard for me. Would it be a deal-breaker, that would cause a divorce? I simply dont know. No marriage is perfect and there are issues in any relationship. Is this the "straw that will break the camel's back"? Only you and you wife can answer that.

It would be heart-breaking to me to no longer have a husband I could go to and ask for a priesthood blessing. I haven't asked for them very often in our 30 years of marriage (just during the births of our 5 children and a couple of times with illness). Though, I haven't asked for a blessing very often, it's been a comfort all these years to know I could go to him if needed.

[MarginOfError]

It's always a little disheartening to hear this has happened, but it's more common than many people think. I imagine a lot of people in your position would either never say anything or would just stop coming. I commend you for your honesty and hope you can find a way to relieve the discomfort it is causing you.

My question is, should I just keep quiet about the fact that I don't believe in any of this?

To some people, yes. To other people, no. I wouldn't drop a bomb. Instead, I'd start gradually. As you talk about religious things with your spouse, mention that you're not convinced about this or that. Eventually, one of two things will happen--the discussions with her will ignite new lines of thought that convince you again, or you'll eventually get down to the fact that you just don't believe.

I really don't want to upset my family, and I'm not one of those people that has some existential crisis every time I bear my testimony in class (I am a seminary teacher) even though I know I am just lying when I do so.

Again, gradually break them in. If you'd been honest with them about your feelings as they developed, you wouldn't be in this position now.

I give talks, pay tithing, teach lessons etc, and just pretend that I believe it, however I do wish sometimes that I could just be frank with my family about my disbelief. Like I said, I just keep my mouth shut because I don't want to upset my wife, parents etc, and I don't mind my kids growing up "Mormon" because I think the church teaches good values.

Any thoughts?

If you like the values the church teaches, I would recommend that you let other people do the teaching. You don't have to explain why, but you can mention to your bishop that you don't feel comfortable teaching seminary any longer. Ask to have a non-teaching role in the ward, and then you can still be involved socially and be making a contribution to the society you enjoy. There may be a need for a building representative, someone to organize priesthood activities, or to coordinate service projects. It may be something as simple as someone coordinating the building cleaning schedule. They may not seem like "big" roles, but being close to ward leadership, it's the people who take care of these details that relieve the ward leaders of the most burden.

[Guest Sachi001]

Hi all. I am just looking for some friendly advice...

I was born into the LDS church, went on a mission, got married in the Temple etc. etc. However, I have (over a process of time) come to no longer believe in the Gospel. (Not the point of this post) The point is that, I have a wife and several children, and I don't know how to tell her, or even if I should. The church goes far back in each of our family histories and is culturally part of who we are. I am still actively going to church, and I have two callings that I am very dedicated to.

My question is, should I just keep quiet about the fact that I don't believe in any of this? I really don't want to upset my family, and I'm not one of those people that has some existential crisis every time I bear my testimony in class (I am a seminary teacher) even though I know I am just lying when I do so. I give talks, pay tithing, teach lessons etc, and just pretend that I believe it, however I do wish sometimes that I could just be frank with my family about my disbelief. Like I said, I just keep my mouth shut because I don't want to upset my wife, parents etc, and I don't mind my kids growing up "Mormon" because I think the church teaches good values.

Any thoughts?

Okay since my original post was deleted. I'll keep this short. Basically are you honest in your dealings with your fellow men? Simple answer to that.

The answer itself will tell you what you need to do.

[Gwen]

Okay since my original post was deleted. I'll keep this short. Basically are you honest in your dealings with your fellow men? Simple answer to that.

The answer itself will tell you what you need to do.

Really? that's the question you see a problem with?

what about do you believe christ to be the son of god and the savior that atoned for our sins?

or do you believe in a living prophet, the current one and joseph smith?

[Eleven]

the poster of this thread is obviously not asking for every returned missionary to evaluate his testimony. he's made a strong point of this is where he is and wondering how to deal with it.

to the poster, i would personally suggest that before you make any decisions about inactivity, leaving the church, telling anyone else, you would first go to your wife. your marriage should be the type that you can be ENTIRELY open with each other.

now i think both you an I know this is going to be a shock to her, and she is probably going to be like every other person on this thread, asking you about your testimony hoping they can fix it instead of dealing with what youre really bringing to them. NOW if anyone has a right to do that, your wife does. please allow her to ask you questions just so she can either come to peace OR who knows, maybe you will find your testimony again. whatever comes of it, it will be in your best interest to allow your spouse to pick your brain lol.

too many times, a spouse will forget his testimony, and because they are so defensive about it, they block any and everyone out from talking about it. this will leave your spouse feeling like you dont trust them anymore... then the love and magic is gone... then fights... then ends in divorce usually, but not always.

so Ill let you know now, you can get away with blowing people off here when they try to ask you what happened and why you lost your testimony and its entirely understandable, but i hope that youll understand you need to allow your wife to do that.

thats just me though.

[Guest Sachi001]

Really? that's the question you see a problem with?

Yes it's very simple Gwen. If he's going around acting he believes then he is not being honest. It is after the order of the Priests of Nehor and not Melchizedek. Hypocrisy is a festering disease of the spirit. He just needs to fess up. Others may be disappointed, but it's better to get it over with rather than tell kids (seminary) that you believe that the gospel is true. Then they later find out you were not honest with them. Do you think such hypocrisy is Christlike?

In fact if he did inform his Bishop he might get help in renewing his faith. Why do you think the question of "Are you honest in you r dealings with your fellow men" come up on your temple recommend interview?

what about do you believe Christ to be the son of god and the savior that atoned for our sins?

or do you believe in a living prophet, the current one and Joseph smith?

Seriously now go read my convert story if you really want to know my beliefs.

[slamjet]

Seriously now go read my convert story if you really want to know my beliefs.

I do believe she meant it as questions to be asked to the OP, not directed at you.

[Gwen]

Yes it's very simple Gwen. If he's going around acting he believes then he is not being honest. It is after the order of the Priests of Nehor and not Melchizedek. Hypocrisy is a festering disease of the spirit. He just needs to fess up. Others may be disappointed, but it's better to get it over with rather than tell kids (seminary) that you believe that the gospel is true. Then they later find out you were not honest with them. Do you think such hypocrisy is Christlike?

In fact if he did inform his Bishop he might get help in renewing his faith. Why do you think the question of "Are you honest in you r dealings with your fellow men" come up on your temple recommend interview?

Seriously now go read my convert story if you really want to know my beliefs.

My additional questions were ones that would be more appropriate for concern on his temple worthiness.... however that in the end is up to his branch president, not anyone here. Have you read any of my posts? I don't think he should "lie" about anything.

Ether 12:6

6And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that afaith is things which are bhoped for and cnot seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no dwitness until after the etrial of your faith.

I agree he needs to talk to the branch pres and his wife. I disagree that he needs to tell anyone else. As Ether says, after the trial the testimony comes. This is a trial. Sometimes we have to just do things as if we believe and let the testimony come. We tell ppl to do that with paying tithing. Just do it, as though you already know, and in time the testimony will come. How is attending your meetings any different?

the difference here is he's not trying to gain a testimony. But he had one at one time. He wants to keep his family like it is. He could have one again but even if he doesn't there is no need to disrupt his kids right now.

His feelings may never change. How sad would it be if he told his children, rocked their faith, and then one day he regained his testimony leaving them behind? If my children doubted because of my doubts I would not be able to forgive myself. He needs to deal with this privately. Privacy is not the same as hypocricy.

[slamjet]

And thus this is a case of trying to do what one want's while trying to avoid the consequences. Doesn't work.

[Guest rvrwlkr]

szorg, I wish I had some advice for you but I'm in the same boat as well. Its a difficult place to be when you're in the middle of a culture that you want out of but have strong family ties holding you there. If you find a good answer let me know.

[Backroads]

So the two of you want to maintain good ties with your family/friends, but you don't actually want to bother with respecting them enough to be honest with them. Is that right?

[MorningStar]

I think he can tell his kids the truth without damaging their testimonies. All three kids in my family grew up to marry in the temple and remain active despite our dad becoming an Atheist. He never tried to persuade us to leave the church. If your kids want to know why you stopped believing, just tell them it's personal, but you support them in being members of the church.

If you pretend to believe, that would include a lot of things like giving blessings without believing, going to the temple, fulfilling callings, etc. My uncle put on an act and it really annoyed his kids later when they learned the truth because of all the things he participated in. You can still be supportive and go with them, help them with their goals in Scouts, YW, etc. Kids aren't stupid and they will pick up on the fact that their dad doesn't believe.

[Gwen]

I would like to point out, in case it was missed, I did say don't give blessings, don't hold specific callings (one's where recommends or strong faith were required). The kids will notice, when they are able to handle the truth, before then they won't. He can hold other callings... music, library, making the program, activities in scouts.... going and participating in those things will not make him a hypocrite.

So the two of you want to maintain good ties with your family/friends, but you don't actually want to bother with respecting them enough to be honest with them. Is that right?

The op, I got the impression, enjoyed the culture and wanted to keep going, just didn't have a testimony of it anymore. Much like the myrids of ppl that go to church for the social aspect every week or more. That is perfectly acceptable in the church if that is where he is.

rvrwalker's post suggested to me that he does not want to be part of the culture or church, just doesn't want to face confrontation.

Those are two different things. Unless I've misunderstood the op.

[Backroads]

I would like to point out, in case it was missed, I did say don't give blessings, don't hold specific callings (one's where recommends or strong faith were required). The kids will notice, when they are able to handle the truth, before then they won't. He can hold other callings... music, library, making the program, activities in scouts.... going and participating in those things will not make him a hypocrite.

The op, I got the impression, enjoyed the culture and wanted to keep going, just didn't have a testimony of it anymore. Much like the myrids of ppl that go to church for the social aspect every week or more. That is perfectly acceptable in the church if that is where he is.

rvrwalker's post suggested to me that he does not want to be part of the culture or church, just doesn't want to face confrontation.

Those are two different things. Unless I've misunderstood the op.

Yes, I know several people that way. These people also are quite upfront they are being mainly social about it and do not pretend to be something they aren't.

[Gwen]

If you once had a testimony is it pretending or struggling? Everyone struggles in the church, we don't air our sins, mistakes, weaknesses.... why should someone that is struggling with faith be treated with less privacy than someone struggling with lust for person across the room?

Is everyone that keeps their sins and weaknesses on a need to know basis while attending church a hypocrite?

[Backroads]

If you once had a testimony is it pretending or struggling? Everyone struggles in the church, we don't air our sins, mistakes, weaknesses.... why should someone that is struggling with faith be treated with less privacy than someone struggling with lust for person across the room?

Is everyone that keeps their sins and weaknesses on a need to know basis while attending church a hypocrite?

You're comparing apples and oranges.

I believe that if you no longer have a testimony and are at terms with that and you are pretending to have a testimony and are baring it... yeah, I'd say that is pretending.

If they are struggling with their faith, then I see your point and agree with you. But if it truly is: "I no longer believe, I just like the culture", then there is no struggle. You're at peace with yourself. Why are you bearing a fake testimony?

I suspect that someone who is struggling may or may not want to confide in family. But if you are at peace with a decision, why lie? Why pretend just to keep your family happy? Why go behind their backs talking to others about how you don't believe? I think a spouse has a right to know.

[Gwen]

I've supported the spouse has a right to know. I've supported him not saying prayers or a testimony..... don't do something you don't believe in.

I also think he has the right to attend church and do what he can socially without telling the whole world about his feelings. There are many that won't be able to approach it charitably and it will do more harm than good to his kids.

In another thread everyone was livid about the porn addicts right to privacy. But that couple is going to church and participating to the fullest extent that they can "pretending" everything is fine. they didn't annouce their sins to avoid complications. No one said they were liars or hypocrites. Yes ppl notice things but they have a right to their privacy right? So why is this family any different. Why can't he do what he can honestly do and just stop on the other (like the porn addict) and have ppl stay out of his business? Why is he the liar and hypocrite but the porn addict is respectable and deserverving?

I really don't understand this. When his kids put it together and ask "dad, why don't you give us blessings? why does mom always call the home teacher when we are sick?" then he can talk to them. When they are old enough to put it together they will be old enough to understand... until them let them deal with kid things and the adults deal with adult things.

yes the wife needs to know. He should not be saying family prayers if he doesn't believe in prayer. It doesn't make him a hypocrite if he supports family prayer, he can still support calling the family together and kneel with the family while mom says the prayer or one of the kids.

I just really don't understand many of the reactions here.

[Backroads]

I don't believe I ever said anywhere on this thread that he was wrong to support his family in the church--in fact, on the contrary I believe I commended him for it. A good man would do that very thing. A not-so-good man would be sneaky and pretending and go behind his family's back to criticize their family for their beliefs. It felt like a lot of your comments were directed at me in the past few posts.

[Gwen]

It felt like a lot of your comments were directed at me in the past few posts.

I apologize. I'm just frustraited over all, didn't mean to express it in a way that seemed directed just at you.

[mrmarklin]

I think you owe it to your children to keep up the facade until they are raised. There's no reason to shake their faith because in children at home, some of it may depend on you.

After the last one is back from his/her mission, just go quietly inactive. Of course you'll have to tell your wife why, and word will get around, but at least you will have fulfilled your responsibilities as a father.

You should also prepare yourself for the possibility tht your wife may also leave you. After all, you've already left her.

[Backroads]

You should also prepare yourself for the possibility tht your wife may also leave you. After all, you've already left her.

I think that is a little harsh. I believe you can be devoted to your spouse save and differ in spiritual views. If he is supportive and respectful of her decision to stay actively LDS and does not think less of her for doing so, I think h would still be a great husband.

But if it is this bitter thing "my wife is an idiot for being a Mormon" situation, then yeah, he has left her.

[mrmarklin]

I think that is a little harsh. I believe you can be devoted to your spouse save and differ in spiritual views. If he is supportive and respectful of her decision to stay actively LDS and does not think less of her for doing so, I think h would still be a great husband.

But if it is this bitter thing "my wife is an idiot for being a Mormon" situation, then yeah, he has left her.

Backroads, you obviously have a limited understanding of what it means to be married for time and all eternity and the true meaning of the temple vows.

[Backroads]

Backroads, you obviously have a limited understanding of what it means to be married for time and all eternity and the true meaning of the temple vows.

And how would you reach that conclusion about me?

The way you phrased the term "You already left her" implies that he no longer cares for or supports her. I doubt that's true.

I think it's all pretty obvious his lack of testimony will affect the temple sealing vow. Yes, he left her that way. But it's apples and oranges to apply that same meaning to an earthly marriage.