Not all women are wired to be mothers

[ADoyle90815]

I thought this was interesting;

Not Every Woman Is Wired To Be A Mom, Readers Agree - Yahoo! News

[annewandering]

Nope. Some women are not moms by nature.

[Dravin]

Nope. Some women are not moms by nature.

I think as much as someone lacks qualities by nature they need to learn to develop them. Qualities such as sacrifice, kindness, love, and patience, are something that both sexes need to learn to develop in this life. The qualities of a good mother (or father) are Christlike qualities, they are Godly and as such I do not feel that lacking them by 'nature' excuses us from developing them (to the extent we are able). But in the end to say some people are not, by nature, parents (implied good), is to I think say that some people, by nature, have underdeveloped Christlike attributes. And put in that context it is hard to disagree, the natural man is an enemy to God, Christlike attributes do not come naturally but are ultimately developed even if we seem to have been blessed with a knack for some of them.

Note that being a good parent does not mean one has to have a domesticity fetish, nor am I saying we need to shove people into parenthood who are set against it, or who are at this point in time incapable of properly being a parent for various reasons.

Edited November 23, 2011 by Dravin

[annewandering]

I think as much as someone lacks qualities by nature they need to learn to develop them. Qualities such as sacrifice, kindness, love, and patience, are something that both sexes need to learn to develop in this life. The qualities of a good mother (or father) are Christlike qualities, they are Godly and as such I do not feel that lacking them by 'nature' excuses us from developing them (to the extent we are able). But in the end to say some people are not, by nature, parents (implied good), is to I think say that some people, by nature, have underdeveloped Christlike attributes. And put in that context it is hard to disagree, the natural man is an enemy to God, Christlike attributes do not come naturally but are ultimately developed even if we seem to have been blessed with a knack for some of them.

Note that being a good parent does not mean one has to have a domesticity fetish, nor am I saying we need to shove people into parenthood who are set against it.

Oh I agree completely. Thats why I said by nature. By nature I am not an outwardly affectionate person. Having 8 kids it is something that I worked on so that they know how much I love them. Nature can be overcome, or at least modified, if the desire is there.

[NeuroTypical]

Being a "good" something usually involves a choice and a measure of effort.

If someone finds it easier to make that choice and put forth that effort, maybe a more appropriate word than 'good' would be 'natural' or 'instinctive'.

We can often be a good [whatever], even though we might not be a natural or instinctive [whatever]. When it comes to parenting, it's our duty to be a good parents, even if it's hard.

[Dravin]

Being a "good" something usually involves a choice and a measure of effort.

If someone finds it easier to make that choice and put forth that effort, maybe a more appropriate word than 'good' would be 'natural' or 'instinctive'.

We can often be a good [whatever], even though we might not be a natural or instinctive [whatever]. When it comes to parenting, it's our duty to be a good parents, even if it's hard.

You put it more succinctly than I did and with a slightly different focus but I agree with you.

[Traveler]

I thought this was interesting;

Not Every Woman Is Wired To Be A Mom, Readers Agree - Yahoo! News

I am sorry but to me wiring is hardware - emotions are software. To me this is nuts - if someone is not hard wired to be a mother they cannot get pregnant.

Sadly humans are capable of doing things the are not emotionally capable of justifing.

The Traveler

[sister_in_faith]

<puts tongue firmly in cheek>

I have a 'friend' named Sophie. I thought it would be cool (for lots of reasons) for her to be a mother. I found her a boyfriend, and he came in from out of town to meet her. I actually had to pay $500 for him to come, but anyway they met, and boom! One thing led to another, and she got pregnant. I was so happy for her! I just thought she was so sweet and loving, of course she would be a great mom! But when the babies came (yep, more than one!), she wanted nothing to do with them whatsoever. Sometimes I even had to hold her down so that the babies could nurse!

That was my proof that even tho somone has a great personality, not everyone IS cut out to be a mom.

[annewandering]

Hardwired or softwired, some people are not good moms although most can learn.

[Gargantuan]

I hardly ever respond to most threads due to possibly offending someone. I hope that this makes sense to any reader. It is not meant to be offensive. Gar

This is a true statement that should be understood better by most. Idealistically, a man who wants a family should marry a woman who will love to be at home taking care of the children. This is what should happen in a family situation, but it doesn't always turn out that way. Opposites many times attract opposites in a marriage. While the working man may expect his companion to stay home and tend the duties of the home, if his wife needs to get away from the home and is absolutely tied to it day and night she will feel as if the walls are coming in on her and that it is truly a prison to her.

Yes, some women are not "wired" so to speak to feel good about doing this. They would rather be outside of the home and away from that which ties them too often to the home. That doesn't mean that they don't love their children or can't take care of the home well, it just means that she needs to get away from the home. There is nothing wrong with being away from the home and working or doing something not tied to the home. Before she leaves for work she needs to first schedule the tasks that are needed to be done at home, children and etc. Once these are finished, she can get out and work or go to lunch with a friend.

Women who like to be away from the home can be excellent mothers if they will work their schedules right giving enough time for meeting the needs at home as well. It does a whole world of good to have both spouses understand their differences rather than resent each other due to a misunderstanding. Regards, Gar

Edited November 24, 2011 by Gargantuan
punctuation

[Guest mormonmusic]

Good point. Some are not wired in that direction. It can be better for their self-esteem and happiness to be working out of the home at something they absolutely love. I have two children -- one was trained in a Montessori school -- a GOOD ONE -- and she emerged confident, non-anxious without her mother, dependable, a truly wonderful girl.

[NeuroTypical]

Idealistically, a man who wants a family should marry a woman who will love to be at home taking care of the children. This is what should happen in a family situation,

I think I'll stick with the guidance we've been given on the subject:

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

If I took issue with my wife for fulfilling her divine responsibilities away from the home (as she often does), I would be in the wrong.

[Guest mormonmusic]

The key for me is this one:

Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation

You'll notice that the General Handbooks and many policy statements have lots of loopholes in them, like "should normally", "usually" and in this case "other circumstances may necessitate".

Part of the problems I've had in my Church experience stem from taking the general rule as the ONLY rule, and not considering the fit to my own personal circumstances. I maintain that for some, it's a better situation for the marriage, and for the children to have the wife out working and the kids in a really good situation where they can have better structure, better training, and better socialization.

But I don't preach this as a general rule -- I suggest this is better fro SOME COUPLES.

For example, if I married a high powered female attorney capable of earning $150,000 a year, and I was a low-income earner. If she hated staying at home with kids, and I absolutely loved it -- I wouldn't hesitate to be a stay-at-home Dad during the sensitive period in our child's early development. it would be worthwile to also use the time to go to school part-time to boost my earnings potential, take courses in parenting, and make it easy for my wife to earn what she needs.

The reverse -- the low income man goes to work, and the high-earning attorney woman stays at home, hating every minute of it, living paycheck to paycheck with little interest in certain repetitive aspects of home-making may well be the wrong thing for the family.

So, we have to be careful with how judgmental we get with women who choose to work outside the home. Only THE FAMILY knows their circumstances, and they should be on their own clock when it comes to these decisions, after carefully and prayerfully considering what the GA's have said.

We have to make sure that we don't Church experience a stumbling block for others simply because we look at their situation with criticism when it doesn't line up neatly with general principles -- which are subject to personal adaptation.

Edited November 24, 2011 by mormonmusic

[Vort]

You'll notice that the General Handbooks and many policy statements have lots of loopholes in them, like "should normally", "usually" and in this case "other circumstances may necessitate".

Part of the problems I've had in my Church experience stem from taking the general rule as the ONLY rule, and not considering the fit to my own personal circumstances. I maintain that for some, it's a better situation for the marriage, and for the children to have the wife out working and the kids in a really good situation where they can have better structure, better training, and better socialization.

The problem with this truism is that once you start making clear that special situations require adaptation, suddenly EVERYONE is a "special situation". If the rule fits 99% of the people 99% of the time, then you would expect no more than 2% or so to be outside the rule at any given time. Yet what do we see? Everyone is an exception. "I can't serve in a calling because of X." "I can't fast because of Y." "I can't home teach because of Z." Doubtless a few of these are valid, but when significant numbers start "adapting" [read: ignoring] the rule to fit their "circumstances", you have to think that special circumstances really aren't at play here.

[Guest mormonmusic]

I'm not at all convinced this is true. As I said in my earlier post:

So, we have to be careful with how judgmental we get with women who choose to work outside the home. Only THE FAMILY knows their circumstances, and they should be on their own clock when it comes to these decisions, after carefully and prayerfully considering what the GA's have said

In my view, we stray too much into the territory of expecting EVERYONE to do exactly the same thing with this advice from GA's, and shudder at the thought of approving exceptions without strict criteria for what constitutes an exception. I'm advocating prayerful consideration of what they say, and then finding our own way with God on our side.

If some people take advantage of it, well, counter-balance that with the people who slip away into less-activity because they find they can't integrate the "everyone must do X" philosophy when there is clearly room in the official wording for personal judgment. And, who don't feel they can openly talk about it lest they have the generalities quoted at them, without the normally's.

There were a LOT of different times in my life when my family had to put up with these kinds of judgments, particularly when my wife made the decision to get a job when my last child was in school for part of the day. Earlier, my wife got so fed up wtih everyone bothering us about why we didn't have children 5 years into our marriage, she stood up in sacrament meeting and told them all to keep the questions to themselves. And then, there was a time a leading person in the Ward had to get up and chastise the membership for being overly inquisitive or judgmental about the fact that some families only had one or two children.

Yes, the dark side of trying to live your life by a common set of values is that people start expecting everyone to do everything the same way -- a huge mistake that alienates many people.

[RescueMom]

As a person who has survived a narcissistic neglectful and abusive mother, I say no not all women are cut out to be mothers. The abuse my brother and I suffered at her hands, and that at our step fathers hands with her knowledge...and the neglect that damaged both mine and my brothers health even in our mid 40's was horrendous.

And she did all of this while being a RS president, a great worker in the church and putting on a great show for the church that she was a good person.

It is also the reason my brother will never come back to church ever. After several years of therapy and help, I've finally come to realize it wasn't the church, but her twisted and warped way of thinking.

My brother and I would have been 100% better had we been adopted out to other parents.

Edited November 25, 2011 by RescueMom

[confuzzled]

here is my 2 cents.........

IMO it comes down to agency and the line that just because you can doens't mean that you should.

On the flip side........ I wasn't "wired" to be able to get pregnant so does that mean that I shouldn't be a mother?!?! Again it comes to agency and a whole lot of time on ones knees. To pursue infertily treatment, adoption, or to choose to live w/out children is a personal choice betweent the couple and the Lord.

[Blackmarch]

I thought this was interesting;

Not Every Woman Is Wired To Be A Mom, Readers Agree - Yahoo! News

Yet what we do, what we choose, affects how our brains get wired to a degree as we get older.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I once told a friend that as much as I'd wanted to be a mother I'd reached a point where I became grateful that I'd been unable to have children in the event I would not have been the kind of parent a child needs, especially when considering the very negative circumstances of my own childhood and subsequent troubled youth. His reply was, "Oh, no! You changed for yourself, why wouldn't you have changed for your child? I think (know) you would have managed it, just like me."

Well, I can't know if that would have been the case, but how sweet and how comforting it was to be told such a beautiful thing by someone who had managed, somehow, and maybe only through the grace of God, to overcome the sad and painful circumstances of his very traumatic childhood and troubled youth enough to be such a good and loving father to his own children, when he was unable to have the love and care of either the mother or father he needed and longed for growing up.

:)