Can a Man be Happily Married to a Fat Woman?

[alucarD1975]

Granted, I have not yet been sealed to anyone in the temple, but I had no idea that part of the ordinance included the woman agreeing to not weigh more than X number of pounds. You learn something new every day!

And if women should be required to address the "issue" of their weight...shouldn't we also address the issue of men being bald? Or gray haired? Or gaining weight? I mean, if a guy goes bald, he is "clearly no longer the same person" she married. Shame on him!

I'm sure that someone as smart as you can make a distinction between. A genetic issue and someone who keeps stuffing their face with twinkies and twizzlers. Like it or not It guys marriage is a contract...... If your husband was a poor provider you would be on here complaining about that also.

Look we are off topic the question was can a man love a fat chick or something like that and I think that fundamentally the anwser is yes.

[Guest]

Charming.

[alucarD1975]

Thx I try

[Leah]

I'm sure that someone as smart as you can make a distinction between. A genetic issue and someone who keeps stuffing their face with twinkies and twizzlers. Like it or not It guys marriage is a contract...... If your husband was a poor provider you would be on here complaining about that also.

Look we are off topic the question was can a man love a fat chick or something like that and I think that fundamentally the anwser is yes.

Since you are so certain about your 'facts', please provide us with the specifics of this "contract", so that we can see for ourselves the part wherein one's weight is addressed.

My late husband was a "poor provider" in the sense that he was unable to work due to health issues. I guess he broke the 'contract' and I should have been able to dump him and go merrily on my way due to the breaking of this supposed "contract"? He was also overweight at one point. Definitely breaking the 'contract'. Or does that only apply to women? Oh...and he also lost a leg. Definitely not the same man I married, according to your definitions. I guess it was just ignorant and silly of me to stay married to him.

To address the question asked by the OP...yes, a real man can love a woman, no matter what her weight is.

[Guest]

I'm sure that someone as smart as you can make a distinction between. A genetic issue and someone who keeps stuffing their face with twinkies and twizzlers.

Hey, if the problem was as simple as that, then I'd vote to outlaw twinkies and twizzlers. But no - the problem is not THAT simple.

My husband and I are health nuts. I'm 30lbs more than my ideal weight today. If it was as easy as keeping myself from stuffing twinkies and twizzlers, I'd be Angelina Jolie every single day.

Weight management is all about balance. It's not about food. It is the complete health of a person. You can starve yourself and still not have a healthy weight if your body is out of balance. A woman stressed out by the inattentivity of her husband is out of balance.

[alucarD1975]

Since you are so certain about your 'facts', please provide us with the specifics of this "contract", so that we can see for ourselves the part wherein one's weight is addressed.

My late husband was a "poor provider" in the sense that he was unable to work due to health issues. I guess he broke the 'contract' and I should have been able to dump him and go merrily on my way due to the breaking of this supposed "contract"? He was also overweight at one point. Definitely breaking the 'contract'. Or does that only apply to women? Oh...and he also lost a leg. Definitely not the same man I married, according to your definitions. I guess it was just ignorant and silly of me to stay married to him.

To address the question asked by the OP...yes, a real man can love a woman, no matter what her weight is.

Really? Does everything need to be taken out of context? Does it need to be spelled out on a case by case basis? Come on.........

[alucarD1975]

Hey, if the problem was as simple as that, then I'd vote to outlaw twinkies and twizzlers. But no - the problem is not THAT simple.

My husband and I are health nuts. I'm 30lbs more than my ideal weight today. If it was as easy as keeping myself from stuffing twinkies and twizzlers, I'd be Angelina Jolie every single day.

Weight management is all about balance. It's not about food. It is the complete health of a person. You can starve yourself and still not have a healthy weight if your body is out of balance. A woman stressed out by the inattentivity of her husband is out of balance.

Again comments are taken out of context... Can we agree that there is a diffrence between someone working on their weight issues and someone who can't put their fork down?

[Guest]

Again comments are taken out of context... Can we agree that there is a diffrence between someone working on their weight issues and someone who can't put their fork down?

There's a difference sure - but the number of people who just can't put their fork down for no other reason than they don't want to is super miniscule I don't even think it is significant enough to bear mention. The majority of people who are gaining weight because they can't put their fork down has other problems that is causing them to get that fork in the first place... so much so that after a while they give up fighting the fork and just go ahead and fully embrace it, especially after being told plenty of times by society that they're such failures for not being able to put that fork down in the first place.

So, you might think that your comment is taken out of context, but the issue is that you feel that a lot of people just can't get off their twinkies because they don't want to. Really, most people don't want to be fat.

When somebody is fat, it does not help them to be told they are fat. They know it. They look in the mirror everyday. There is a reason - and it's not the twinkies, I can guarantee you that.

Edited July 23, 2012 by anatess

[Vort]

Again comments are taken out of context... Can we agree that there is a diffrence between someone working on their weight issues and someone who can't put their fork down?

Not sure we can. Why is it that some people eat themselves into morbid obesity? Medicine has begun to view that as a disease rather than a moral failing. We can despise the alcoholic, or we can acknowledge that he has a dependency that is stronger than he is, despite his good intentions, and find ways to help him. I am not convinced that obesity is fundamentally different, except that we don't have to drink alcohol, while we have to eat food.

I think I understand where you are coming from, but I think there might be a lot more to the issue than you suggest. I do know that obesity is nowhere called sinful in scripture. I'm not fond of obesity, nor do I find fatness particularly attractive (in myself or others), but there are many other issues at work here. After 25 years and 5 children, Sister Vort has put on a few pounds, but it would never occur to me to suggest she had violated our marital contract. (Plus I still find her sexy as all get-out.)

[Bini]

After 25 years and 5 children, Sister Vort has put on a few pounds, but it would never occur to me to suggest she had violated our marital contract. (Plus I still find her sexy as all get-out.)

I think I need a translation here!

[Guest]

I think I need a translation here!

And a picture. LOL!!!

[Vort]

I think I need a translation here!

All get-out - Definition and More from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary

[mdfxdb]

There's a difference sure - but the number of people who just can't put their fork down for no other reason than they don't want to is super miniscule I don't even think it is significant enough to bear mention. The majority of people who are gaining weight because they can't put their fork down has other problems that is causing them to get that fork in the first place... so much so that after a while they give up fighting the fork and just go ahead and fully embrace it, especially after being told plenty of times by society that they're such failures for not being able to put that fork down in the first place.

So, you might think that your comment is taken out of context, but the issue is that you feel that a lot of people just can't get off their twinkies because they don't want to. Really, most people don't want to be fat.

When somebody is fat, it does not help them to be told they are fat. They know it. They look in the mirror everyday. There is a reason - and it's not the twinkies, I can guarantee you that.

The above is an important comment. First, I think people can be attracted to "chubby chasers" as it was so eloquently put. Second, per the above quote wether or not the person "chooses" to be fat or not is not part of the equation. They either have weight issues or other issues that drive their behavior. These are representative of conditions/problems that may or may not have pre-existed the relationship. I feel spouses have an obligation to maintain themselves attractive to one another be it spiritually or physically. as far as OP is concerned from what I have read there are a lot more issues going on than just being overweight.

[Leah]

Really? Does everything need to be taken out of context? Does it need to be spelled out on a case by case basis? Come on.........

Still waiting for documentation of that "contract" you speak of, so I can read the part wherein gaining weight violates said "contract".

You made the statement in the context of this thread, so how am I out of context for asking you to back up your statement?

[bytor2112]

I think husbands and wifes have a duty to continue to foster physical attraction for one another. It's not unreasonable to want to be physically attracted to one's spouse.

That said, illness and childbirth can have dramatic impacts on bodies and can take huge amounts of effort to recover from. Men can be very unreasonable about these type of issues....maybe women as well (dunno).

Laziness that leads to a spouse being (insert non offensive term for unacceptable amount of weight gain that has changed appearance dramatically enough to cause alarm) can be a real issue, but can be overcome. Sometimes if a man harps on weight gain and focuses solely on that as her defining characteristic, self esteem levels plummet and nothing good comes from that type of behavior.

Be kind, love one another, work out together..........

[annewandering]

I do not think any one has an 'obligation' to look acceptable to another person. They only have an obligation to themselves. Obligation is very harsh to my mind. I think we support each other since we LOVE each other. Yes, I really hate the word obligation to enter into a marriage. It makes duty the key word not love.

[bytor2112]

I do not think any one has an 'obligation' to look acceptable to another person. They only have an obligation to themselves. Obligation is very harsh to my mind. I think we support each other since we LOVE each other. Yes, I really hate the word obligation to enter into a marriage. It makes duty the key word not love.

We have a duty to do many things in marriage and yes hopefully we fulfill that duty out of love. Among those duties we perform because we love is to be conscious of the need to be seen as physically attractive by our spouse.

[annewandering]

We have a duty to do many things in marriage and yes hopefully we fulfill that duty out of love. Among those duties we perform because we love is to be conscious of the need to be seen as physically attractive by our spouse.

I am guessing that is a matter of opinion since I do not agree. :) Then again I am not much of a fan of duty. Reminds me a lot of paying tithing as a duty not for love of God.

[Dove]

It seems to me that some very inappropriate comments, or comments that are a result of ignorance or from being mislead, are being asserted here...

To me, much of the issue at hand is what I would call the "blame game." I.E., whose at fault for one not loving, or indulging in porn, or being unkind? We can also put that shoe on the other foot~Whose at fault for one overeating, or letting themselves become soo unhealthy, etc.? Well, whose fault is it?! We all need to take accountability for our choices....I am 300 lbs as I write this, yet I used to weigh 125 lbs. I was put on 2-3 different meds by my doctor that radically increased my appetite. I was soo hungry that I ate myself to this weight. Yeah, I chose to eat. Yeah, I had an insatiable appetite for a long time until my body adjusted to the meds. But, yeah, part of the reason I was able to lose weight until I weighed 125 lbs (before the meds) was because of bulimia. I have a lot of problems with food.

We all have problems with different things/addictions/faults/failings. Admitting our faults/weaknesses/failings/etc., is a great first step in coming to the Savior in humility and applying His atoning blood for us to repent (change) and overcome our weaknesses.

What I would say to anyone throwing stones at someone else for their particular set of weaknesses is; "Ye that is perfect, cast the first stone." Also, look at the beam in your own eye before you set about removing the mote in another's eye. Also, follow the golden rule. None of us appreciate someone acting "holier than thou," up on their "high horse," telling us what is all wrong with ourselves when their breath smells just as bad in the morning as ours. In other words, their faults are just as bad, even if not as obvious, as our faults. Frankly, I believe the atonement is a great deal about us being honest with ourselves, a lot through the Holy Spirit, about those things we need the Savior's grace/strength/blessing to repent of; meaning, to change our hearts and actions and to be healed.

Focusing on, judging, belittling, putting down another, telling them their not worthy of our love, simply because of their particular set of faults and failings, is pointing a finger while the other three point back at us! It's just crazy, unfair and absolutely the opposite of what I believe the Savior teaches and exemplifies to us as being the pure love of Christ (Him). Ironically, it is the Savior who loves so perfectly, gracefully and willingly while having every reason, because of His perfection, to condemn us to a horrible hell or existence. Yet, because of His great love for us, He willingly suffered to an extent we cannot comprehend to rescue us instead and, if we come to Him fully and in humility, gives us a way out from our sins. Wonderful!

Dove

Edited July 24, 2012 by Dove

[Backroads]

I'm suddenly being reminded of a incident that happened to a couple in the ward I grew up in. They were the perfect family, husband had a good job, their house was beautiful, their kids didn't get in too much trouble, they had high callings in the ward/stake, the wife looked great.

Husband had an affair and was excommunicated for awhile (He was able to repent and rejoin, they are still together, and last time I was told anything (she often does my hair) their marriage is stronger).

However, she also had to tell me her "sins" in the affair. This woman was so bent on being the perfect mother/wife/housekeeper, on looking beautiful, on staying thin, on maintaining an appearance her husband would probably find attractive, that she forgot to be there EMOTIONALLY for him.

I guess I'm just trying to make a case that physical beauty isn't all there is to a relationship and those that are demanding a good-looking spouse had better be careful what they're wishing for.

[lds2]

Ten pages, but so many things to think about. With 1 out of 4 young women being molested as children there are a lot of women out there that have really been messed up by evil. I've known some of those that have put a great deal of money and effort into staying "perfect" physically as they feel that is their only value, other's use weight as a shield or form of protection.

A very prominent LDS family in a community in California had 7 children 5 of them very beautiful girls. The mother was one of the most attractive women I have ever known personally as well as the wealthiest around. He married perfect beauty and money and successfully went into politics, yet molested all of those girls their whole lives. He eventually went to jail.

My point is that regardless of emotional or physical attraction in a marriage there is no "excuse" for infidelity. The Lord asks single people to stay morally clean their whole lives. People with same sex attraction as well. But suddenly when people are married if they are unhappy because they don't have enough emotionally or physically they are justified in seeking it from children (my wife was sick or in the hospital having another baby was the excuse of the guy above) or porn or prostitutes or the neighbor's wife or husband or ...

.

Edited July 24, 2012 by lds2

[tumbledquartz]

Wow, you don't check the boards for a few days . . . Okay, so I have a few responses to a few of you. I'll try and cover everything without taking up 10 more pages of replies, but no promises.

In fact, I would NOT worry about my weight at this point at all. Do you demean yourself to the point that you will redo yourself hoping for his love? If you do, then do you think for one minute he loves you? Or is it your body he is after and forget the person inside? If you did all he says you have to do, will you ever believe he loves you?

This has been a constant emotional struggle for me, and I know it's part of why I've had trouble losing weight. When I imagine the future when I'm all skinny and gorgeous and he's telling me how happy he is to be married to me, all I see is heartache because I'll never know if he could have come to accept me for ME.

On the other hand, I feel guilty because I don't want to withhold the thing /he/ wants until he gives me the thing /I/ want. That doesn't make me any better than him, right? So I try, but I haven't been successful lately.

[tumbledquartz]

That said marriage is a contract if she gained a significant amount of weight the argurement can be made that she did not up hold her side of the contract. As she is clearly no longer the same person he married.

My husband says this same kind of thing - that if you gain weight or change in some other way, you're not "the same person." How are you not the same person? People change, but they're still the same person. I don't know if you're LDS or not, but my husband is, and that's part of why this kind of comment from him baffles me. I'm the same person I was eons ago in the preexistence. But I've certainly changed a lot since then! For instance, I have a physical body. That's a pretty huge change, no matter what that body looks like. But I'm still ME. And I'll still be this same person years, decades, millennia, eternities from now.

And for the record, my husband has CERTAINLY changed from when I was sealed to him in the temple. I didn't sign up to be married to a cheating drunk. I may look a little different from when we married, but I at least act the same and profess the same beliefs. But he's still "the same person" and I still made covenants with him and I still see good in him.

The fact of the matter is that even in civil marriage ceremonies, the CONTRACT says "for better or worse, in sickness or in health, until death do you part." It doesn't say, "unless you change, I'll stick with you."

[tumbledquartz]

But if your partner has issues with your weight as a woman shouldn't you address those issues? Don't you want your mate to be sexually attracted to you? If you as a woman get fat abd refuse to lose the weight Or stopping having sex with him because you don't feel sexy.....and your husband starts looking at porn is it really ALL his fault? No not really.....

Just because a person hasn't lost weight doesn't mean that person hasn't tried to lose weight. If you've read all my posts, you'll see that I tried very hard to lose weight last year. And it wasn't my first attempt. Sometimes I've been successful. Sometimes I haven't. And I never said anything about stopping having sex with him. I haven't.

Under the same critical eye of judgement, let's turn this around. Can you really say it's ALL my fault that I've gained weight when from the very beginning of our marriage, we would sit down TOGETHER every night and eat and watch TV, and we BOTH gained an equal amount of weight? Can you say it's ALL my fault when he then started hypocritically complaining about my weight while still eating junk food every night? Can you say it's ALL my fault when five years ago, I decided I wanted to be healthy for ME and started following the Body-for-Life plan to the T, lost 15 pounds, and was still losing weight, when he left me completely without warning? I had to read an email he sent in order to find out that he was leaving me. Yes, I have issues with weight and food. But it isn't ALL my fault.

He says it's his life-long dream to have a hot wife. If that was true, maybe he shouldn't have been breaking out the ice cream, cheese and crackers, cereal, and chocolates EVERY NIGHT for the first five years of our marriage.

[tumbledquartz]

If your husband was a poor provider you would be on here complaining about that also.

But would we be saying, "make more money, or I'm leaving you?" Maybe some would, but I wouldn't. It's one thing to complain and another thing to demand and demean.