Can a Man be Happily Married to a Fat Woman?

[Backroads]

I think the two of you could do with some marriage counseling. You losing weight, or even him leaving you, isn't going to fix things.

[beefche]

What does he think is going to happen if you lose the weight? Will the marriage be better? Will he be able to stop drinking, drugs and porn? Will the sex life be better? What does he see as limitations in the marriage due to your weight?

[tumbledquartz]

He tells me I'm beautiful and calls me my lovely momma

I long for that - for someone to call me beautiful and "lovely momma" and say that he loves me no matter what I look like. I want that so bad. But I also know that the grass isn't always greener. What if I leave and go looking for that, and even find it, and then find out that the guy has other problems that I'm not having to deal with now?

Just hearing that some guys feel that way, though, gives me hope that maybe my husband can also be that way. Every time we've gone to counseling, he's agreed to go just to get ME fixed up - he never admitted he had any problems. But maybe that will change now. I don't know.

[annewandering]

well there is a disconnect with reality. So drinking, porn, adultery, dropping church, and lack of self responsibility are not problems? He needs a dose of reality.

[applepansy]

Vort is right - this is just my side of the story and I realized as I wrote it that it is a really flat picture of the situation, but that's the nature of bulletin board conversations. The truth is that I have bipolar and I definitely have my own issues that go with that, and completely separate from that, too. I'm a terrible housekeeper and that bugs him because he works so hard. The difference, at least the way I see it, is that I admit my weaknesses and try to work on them, and I try to be understanding and forgiving of his, including when he quit going to church several years ago, which was a big deal to me, but I decided not to dwell on it or let it bug me. I let him know occasionally that I'd love it if he came back, but I don't get down on him or berate him for it.

Since being diagnosed with bipolar, I've made great progress through counseling and medication and I'm not nearly as moody as I was, and I've tried to improve my housekeeping as well. But the thing is, out of all the issues I have, he says the only one he /really/ cares about is the weight. He says he'll never complain about the house or anything else if I'm skinny. (not that it won't still bug him, but since I've said he's overwhelmed me with complaints, he just wants me to concentrate on the weight.) The thing is, I made great efforts last year, working out five days a week, I cut out ice cream which is my absolute fave, and ran some triathlons and 5Ks, but I didn't lose any weight. And I got injured, discouraged, quit, and then gained weight. But none of my effort means anything to him because he says it's "results that count" and he wants me to have a "body-for-life body" like some of our neighbors, one of whom has even competed in bikini competitions.

Honestly, I've known about the porn since he started years and years ago, but he had indicated to me more than once that he had quit, and, as naive as I am, I didn't continue to question him about it. The truth is that he can't tell a lie if I ask him straight-up, but I now know he's very good at evading the question or giving a half-answer. Like when I found his beer two weeks ago and questioned him about when he started drinking again, he told me (it's been just over a year), but he didn't tell me anything else. When I questioned if he was doing drugs too, he said, "I'm not doing hard drugs like cocaine." It wasn't until later that night that I realized he really hadn't answered the question and I asked him flat-out if he was smoking pot and he admitted he was.

So over the past week, as questions have occurred to me, I've learned to ask flat-out questions. When I asked if he'd cheated on me, his reply was that he "hadn't had intercourse with another woman." Which I now know was code for "I'm going to try to get out of answering this with a straight answer and maybe get away with it." So I asked if he had had oral sex with another woman and he was silent for long enough that I knew my answer. He doesn't want to tell me details because he says he's ashamed, but he did tell me he's never seen her again and never will.

So, based on the fact that he can't seem to lie to me if I ask him a straight question, I believe him when he says that he was clean and sober for 18 years and that he knows he needs to quit the alcohol, and that he only cheated on me once.

I don't know; I'm just so frustrated and confused right now. He's basically a good person, honestly, and he feels bad about what he's done. And he says he loves me and that's why he's stayed with me despite being unhappy about my weight. He cites all the good qualities I have, that I'm sweet and caring and that I'm taking our kids to church and teaching them the gospel and everything. But he just can't get past the weight.

To answer some of the questions that have been asked, I do have daughters, and a son. He seems to be in a really humble place right now, saying that he feels lost and that he doesn't think he's strong enough or good enough to make it to the celestial kingdom, and he says he's willing to see the bishop and maybe even go back to church. So I have hope that maybe we can work things out, but he's just so adamant about the weight issue. He insists that the only two possible outcomes are for me to lose weight or for him to leave me.

Wow! I wish I could work out 5 days a week. I wish I could run to the end of the driveway.

Not being able to lose the weight might be your medication. Talk to your doctor about that. But if that's the reason you're having difficulty losing weight, then all the more reason for your husband to love you anyway without reservation or conditions.

Nobody is doing to remember if the dishes were done on July 13, 1994. Nobody is going to remember if the bathrooms were all clean and spotless on February 20, 2003. Nobody is going to remember if the laundry was done on May 12, 2012. Or pick a day from just last month... June... Nobody will remember.

However, you and your husband will always remember the day he said he wouldn't stay with you unless you lost weight.

Yes there are always too sides. But adultery, drug and alcohol problems... those are bigger than losing weight. Those are bigger than the house being a mess.

[livy111us]

Love is not conditional on weight. I love my wife exactly the same no matter how much she weighs. Anyone who isn't shallow would agree with me. I think that is absolutely absurd and should raise BIG red flags! As you age, you will most likely gain weight. Does he expect you to have a perfect body your entire life? What is he going to do if you don't?

[Suzie]

He says the window of opportunity he has right now to get a hot wife is closing and if I'm not going to be the wife he wants, he's getting ready to go get her.

This whole thing has nothing to do with your weight. Your husband sounds like a jerk.

[MorningStar]

What it sounds like to me is that he is addicted to porn and it's easy to blame your body for his issues. If you lost weight, he would find another thing to blame his unhappiness on.

There are plenty of men who are attracted to overweight women. I was skinny when I met my husband and I gained weight due to health issues. He'll ask if I want ice cream. I'll say just a scoop and he'll bring me three. Stinker.

What I'm hearing from you is that you're willing to put up with this crap as long as you believe there's nothing better for you out there. I would rather have my dignity than deal with that. I would first tell him the threats to leave me better stop because I consider that abusive. My best friend's husband would bring up divorce during every argument and it was extremely hurtful to her. When they were visiting her family, he had the nerve to bring it up again. She felt safe there, so she said, "Yeah, get the papers. I'll sign them." That just made him even more angry, so he didn't really want a divorce. He was hanging it over her head to manipulate her.

To me, it doesn't sound like he's treating you well at all. He's getting away with this stuff because he knows you believe there isn't someone better out there for you.

[Backroads]

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he really does want to do better, but he seems to be making the price of that you losing weight. That's not a healthy way to repent.

[tumbledquartz]

What does he think is going to happen if you lose the weight? Will the marriage be better? Will he be able to stop drinking, drugs and porn? Will the sex life be better? What does he see as limitations in the marriage due to your weight?

I can tell you what he says will be better. He will be able to sit in church, go to an amusement park, and basically go anywhere in public without being tortured by seeing beautiful women. He says church is the worst because anywhere else, he can tell himself that they probably don't have all my other great qualities, but at church, he knows that those women are also spiritual, LDS people like me.

He says he doesn't think about it while we're being intimate or anything; it's just seeing other women that he can't have that are better than me that drives him crazy and is the reason he cites for not going to church anymore.

[Dravin]

He says he doesn't think about it while we're being intimate or anything; it's just seeing other women that he can't have that are better than me that drives him crazy and is the reason he cites for not going to church anymore.

I realize this isn't your thought process but it basically boils down to, "I want you to be such eye candy that it'll force me to stop coveting other women." Not only is the premise flawed that it's your place to stop his coveting, but, and please understand I'm not trying to call you old and ugly, but there will always be someone who can be judged to be prettier and younger than you. Think about magazines proclaiming the world's sexiest women, it's never the same women two years in a row.

Edited July 13, 2012 by Dravin

[billp98908]

Wow! I'm sorry for the entire male population that you have to be married to a guy like that. Some guys are just STUPID! I wonder if he has a problem with pornography. It seems as though that is where he is getting the ideas that women are suppossed to look like Super Models even after having a few babies. Ask your husband to try and carry a baby for 9 months, grow his body all out of proportion with mosterous breasts and see how he feels. GEEZ!! What a maroon he is!!!

[Misshalfway]

I can tell you what he says will be better. He will be able to sit in church, go to an amusement park, and basically go anywhere in public without being tortured by seeing beautiful women. He says church is the worst because anywhere else, he can tell himself that they probably don't have all my other great qualities, but at church, he knows that those women are also spiritual, LDS people like me.

He says he doesn't think about it while we're being intimate or anything; it's just seeing other women that he can't have that are better than me that drives him crazy and is the reason he cites for not going to church anymore.

Well, he's certainly got thought distortions out the whazzoo! Sounds to me like halmarks of addictive problems. He's objectifying women. He's trying to objectify you. And he is convinced that his happiness lies on the other side of realizing his fantasy. And he prolly doesn't think about it when he's having sex with you cause he's too focused on getting an orgasm.

Whatever his internal issues are, its clear he is pleasure seeking everywhere! Something isn't right in his "self" department. The fact that he is having some guilt and that he senses his imbalance is prolly a sign that there's a true man in there somewhere.

I think you both need therapy.....badly. If he won't go to therapy, then my next question is why is he still living in the house?

[annewandering]

A huge red flag is that he blames you for him not going to church. The reality is he doesnt want to go to church because he has sinned and hasnt repented. Once again he is blaming you for his faults. Other beautiful women have ZERO to with it. YOU have nothing to do with it. This is about him.

[Guest]

Well, he's certainly got thought distortions out the whazzoo!

Yeah, good thing pornography is not at all harmful and all normal and stuff.

[prisonchaplain]

Vort is right - this is just my side of the story and I realized as I wrote it that it is a really flat picture of the situation, but that's the nature of bulletin board conversations. The truth is that I have bipolar and I definitely have my own issues that go with that, and completely separate from that, too. I'm a terrible housekeeper and that bugs him because he works so hard. The difference, at least the way I see it, is that I admit my weaknesses and try to work on them, and I try to be understanding and forgiving of his, including when he quit going to church several years ago, which was a big deal to me, but I decided not to dwell on it or let it bug me. I let him know occasionally that I'd love it if he came back, but I don't get down on him or berate him for it.

Like the others, I see that blame for the trouble in your marriage seems to disproportionately lie with your fellow's issues. It also seems evident that weight is not the real issue. You've hinted here at some of your own struggles, and admitted that your husband has some complaints as well.

Unless you plan to leave him, due to his infidelity, I concur with the poster who suggested professional marriage counseling. A good long, on-going conversation between you two, with a competent and objective mediator, might help you find the real issues. Then you'll have to figure out if you want to work through them. Blessings on you as you prayerfully face a truly difficult situation.

[Misshalfway]

Like the others, I see that blame for the trouble in your marriage seems to disproportionately lie with your fellow's issues. It also seems evident that weight is not the real issue. You've hinted here at some of your own struggles, and admitted that your husband has some complaints as well.

Unless you plan to leave him, due to his infidelity, I concur with the poster who suggested professional marriage counseling. A good long, on-going conversation between you two, with a competent and objective mediator, might help you find the real issues. Then you'll have to figure out if you want to work through them. Blessings on you as you prayerfully face a truly difficult situation.

I'm gonna one up this....

Marriage counseling is cool. But in addition, he needs his own therapist and he could use a really good men's group. And you need your own counselor too. The couples therapy may not be effective until he works through some of his stuff.

[skalenfehl]

Perhaps a more appropriate question is, "Can a woman be happily married to a shallow man?"

The problem is with him. My wife is overweight and we are very happily going on 21 years of marriage. Our happiness is not based on superficial nonsense. Love who you are and be perfected in Christ.

[Dove]

Hello, Tumbledquartz;

I really relate to you. I have weighed over 300lbs in the last little while and am now at 300lbs...I'm on psychiatric disability. I'm a terrible housekeeper. My husband works long hard hours. He has mentioned to me his need to come home to a clean house. Yet, he strives say to always be kind. When he mentions his need for a clean house, he says it with love, respect, and gently assertion.

My heart goes out to you. It seems to me that you question and doubt yourself and whether or not you deserve to be loved....Please let me reassure you, you do deserve to be treated with kindness and loving support. Now, I am not judging your husband or why he's behaving as he is. It's not mine to judge. But, I will say that he may not be capable of creating a safe environment for you to heal and grow in....

I am so lucky/blessed to have such a wonderfully, loving husband as I do. Yet, I know if he were mean to me or manipulative or whatever seriously negative attitude one would want to insert here, I couldn't stay with him. My own self-esteem is so low I couldn't bear it....A lot of people see me as the "loser" in our relationship. I can so easily see why. If my husband felt the same way, it would devastate me. I'm so glad he sees me as beautiful and worth loving. It helps me survive and thrive. Yes, he does want me to lose weight for my own health. He's worried because I have so many health problems that are complicated by my obesity. I know he has my happiness and longevity at heart.

Please carefully consider whether or not this relationship is eroding your sense of worth and well being.....If it is, I would suggest soberly looking at whether or not you want to stay in a situation that is unsafe for your psyche.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

The best.

Dove

Edited July 14, 2012 by Dove

[Faded]

I really need to hear from men specifically if you're reading this - HONEST answers. Do I have any hope of being really loved and cherished if I'm not a size 8 or less? Because if not, I need to know now so I can put every effort I can muster into saving the relationship I already have and keeping my kids' dad around. I feel in my heart like I deserve better, but despite the things I've written in this post, he's a good dad, he provides well for our family, and he generally treats me well - no physical abuse or anything like that.

If I could lose 50 pounds and our marriage and family life would be 100 times better, maybe that's what I should be putting all my energy into. Especially considering the fact that if we divorce, I might never remarry and/or end up marrying someone who isn't any better and I will have destroyed my family for nothing.

For starters, he might just be delusional enough to believe that if you hit the gym every day and just work at it then you'd get down to size 3 in no time at all and if only you had the body of a porstar (ala the porn you say he's been addicted to) then you're marriage would suddenly be heaven on earth. For starters, he's nuts. A person who obsesses about his wife being overweight would be obsessing about some other flaw even if she did have a perfect body, face, etc. Therein lies one of the biggest problems with pornography addiction. The women are actually real women, so the man thinks "Why doesn't my wife look like that?? If that woman can keep herself looking like that, why can't my wife do it?" Well, if you have the time, money and mental fortitude to spend six hours in the gym everyday with a personal trainer and to hire a nutrition consultant, maybe you could get to a more ideal weight in a few years. If you actually have that kind of time and money, then by all means go for it -- not so much for him but for yourself. You slimming down to a size six isn't going to fix the underlying issues in that man's head. His problem is that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, even if it isn't.

Is it possible to love a woman and be happily married to her if she's 50+ lbs overweight? Absolutely! I am happily married to just such a woman. Would it be easier if she was 130 lbs? Does it bother me that my wife is about 100 lbs heavier that I'd like her to be? Yeah it does bother me more than I'd like to admit (since I'd prefer to lie and say it doesn't bother me at all of course). I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me some. I really wish it didn't bother me at all. It makes me feel like a terrible person for letting it bother me even a little bit. I love my wife very much and do my best to avoid thinking like that but it still happens sometimes. If she magically dropped down to 130 lbs, I'd be thrilled beyond belief! And once again, having said that I feel like a complete scumbag for saying it. Ultimately, I love her no matter what and I'll never make our marriage and my love for her conditional on something so trivial as her weight. I'm not stupid. I know full well that if I can't love her just the way she is, I wouldn't be able to love her any better at an ideal weight. It certainly would be nice if she was suddenly super-thin. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. It would also be nice if my work gave me a $1 million raise tomorrow. What's the point in obsessing over what isn't? But I guess it's just human nature that we do it anyways.

So my honest answer: Go ahead and do your best to get yourself in the best shape possible. It might even help a little bit. Just realize that it's not going to solve the real issues here. A man who is willing to give up on his marriage that reason is likely to find other reasons to give up on his marriage. It's almost certain he doesn't realize it yet though.

Edited July 15, 2012 by Faded

[Backroads]

This post has been in the back of mind for awhile.

If a husband were to say "I appreciate it a lot when you look good to me (however that is defined) because having a wife I find physically attractive is important to me", I would have absolutely no problem. We all have our little needs and wants when it comes to partners and I don't think it's fair to come up with an absolute yes/no list or judge another person for what they find important in a mate.

However, it's completely different when a husband or wife takes this preference and makes it the all and only requirement for the marriage.

[MorningStar]

I can understand spouses wanting their mate to be visually appealing, but addressing their weight is risky because they might feel absolutely terrible. They can't change that quickly. It's another thing to tell a spouse that you love a certain hairstyle on them (unless they are now bald). My mom wouldn't be seen in public with my dad when he grew a goatee.

I have also known men who complained about their wives' weight, but they also complain about what's needed to lose it. For instance, one of my best friends joined a gym when her husband insisted it, but he complained because she wanted him to watch their son while she went. He said, "Can't you just go at 5am like most moms do?" She was still waking up several times at night to nurse the baby, so his request was especially thoughtless. She was overweight when they met and he didn't make an issue of it at all. They went on their honeymoon and he wanted to go for an impromptu hike. She was up for it, but she wanted to change her shoes and put on some bug repellant. He still insisted on going and they didn't get very far because she was wearing very uncomfortable sandles. She asked to go back and change her shoes.

When they did, he sat in the hotel room and sulked. She asked, "What's wrong?" He said, "I always thought I would marry someone more athletic." She was crushed. She spent the next few years going to the gym, working, going to school, waiting for him to pick a career already, and put up with him telling her she had enough to eat, asking her how many cookies she ate that day, pouting if she studied for a final instead of going to the gym, and when she lost 50 pounds and thought she would get some praise, he told her, "You could still lose another 20 pounds." He wanted a trophy wife. There were times she felt so bad, she wished he would cheat on her so she felt like she had a really good reason to divorce him. It really wore her down and she just wasn't the happy person I knew anymore. I told her, "You know, that really could have backfired on him. A lot of women would have gained more weight in that situation. You did what he wanted and he still wasn't satisfied." He has a tendency to criticize her for the most ridiculous things and would rather die than be wrong. We're convinced he has a disorder, but seeing any kind of therapist is out of the question for him, even a marriage counselor. He would feel like a failure if he needed counseling, but he has other interesting excuses like, "What if I ran for office? Someone would find out and use it against me." More likely people would find out how he treats his wife. He blames her for everything and gives her credit for almost nothing.

I think if someone really wants their spouse to lose weight, they first need to be supportive if that person expresses the desire. That opens the door to ask, "What can I do to help you? Do you want to join a gym? Do you want to go running with me? Play tennis? Go swimming?" Make it a joint effort even if you are one of those people who can eat whatever you want and never gain weight.

[SisterSarah]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years, mostly not-so-happily, but we've been working on it. One big thorn in our marriage is the fact that in our first year of marriage, I gained weight, and he says he never wanted a fat wife. I've never been enormous by any means, but I weigh about 50 pounds more now than I did when we met. Never mind the fact that he gained just as much weight as I did - men are visual and women aren't; therefore, it doesn't matter if he gains weight, but it matters if I do.

I've tried to lose weight and sometimes been successful and sometimes not, but right now, I weigh more than I ever have other than when I was pregnant. He has told me that if he knew I would never get a hot body, he would leave the marriage right now. He's only staying in hopes that I get with the program and get skinny. I proposed that he work on whatever issues he has that make him so unhappy with someone who isn't a supermodel, and he thought that was the absolute most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard of because there's no way a man can be attracted to a fat woman.

Things have really deteriorated this last year and then the last few weeks have been terrible because I just found out a whole bunch of crap that I had no idea was going on. He's been drinking, smoking pot, looking at porn, and, the ultimate kicker that I just found out two days ago, is that he cheated on me. He swears it was only one time and they didn't "go all the way," so I guess there is at least that. Small consolation, since he admitted they did have oral sex. But he is adamant that he isn't going to do that again and that he's going to quit the alcohol and porn. He's even talking about coming back to church, something he hasn't done in several years.

Part of me just can't get over kicking myself because I knew before I married him that he had been through rehab and had had problems with alcoholism, drugs, and had been sleeping around before I met him. But he had repented and was very spiritual and I was just super naive, I guess. There were red flags that I didn't see because I was just so desperate for someone to love me and I had a bird in the hand - someone who gave me tons of love and wanted to take me to the temple.

He's been going through this whole mid-life-crisis over the last few years as he approached age 40. He's now losing weight and taking great pains to look good, including using lots of anti-wrinkle cream and is even talking about hair replacement therapy. He says the window of opportunity he has right now to get a hot wife is closing and if I'm not going to be the wife he wants, he's getting ready to go get her.

Honestly, huge parts of me are wanting to kick him to the curb right this second and say good riddance. But then parts of me wonder if he's right. Will I have any chance of finding a decent guy if he leaves me and I'm still fat? Can a man REALLY love a fat woman? Or is that too much to ask for?

I really need to hear from men specifically if you're reading this - HONEST answers. Do I have any hope of being really loved and cherished if I'm not a size 8 or less? Because if not, I need to know now so I can put every effort I can muster into saving the relationship I already have and keeping my kids' dad around. I feel in my heart like I deserve better, but despite the things I've written in this post, he's a good dad, he provides well for our family, and he generally treats me well - no physical abuse or anything like that.

If I could lose 50 pounds and our marriage and family life would be 100 times better, maybe that's what I should be putting all my energy into. Especially considering the fact that if we divorce, I might never remarry and/or end up marrying someone who isn't any better and I will have destroyed my family for nothing.

Dear Tumbledquartz,

I am new to this forum but have been reading posts for a while. When I came across your post I felt very bad for you. Initially when I read your post I thought the same as others likely did, and that is if he is cheating (yes oral sex is cheating), then just dump him. But being in the medical profession I would be amiss if I did not comment that whether you stay in the marriage or end it, is not the real issue. And your husband's bad choices are not about you, how you look or how much you weigh. Your husband is responsible for breaking his marriage commitment, not you. Your husband need to take responsibility for his actions.

That being said, the problem you are having is not about your husband, rather it is about you. And you need to take responsibility for YOUR actions. When it comes to weight, it is very unlikely that an adult will weigh the same in middle age as they did as a teen. Pregnancy, bone structure changes, hormonal changes all play a role. Although some stay slender all their adult life, even they tend to put on a few pounds throughout middle age and then lose weight as they enter their advanced years. So gaining a few pounds is perfectly normal. BUT 50 pounds of gained and sustained weight is not normal and it is definitely not healthy.

It is a documented fact that obesity is a big contributor to adult onset (type II diabetes), heart disease, cancer, and man other debilitating diseases. Your need to lose weight has nothing to do with becoming "skinny" or having a "hot" body, but it has everything to do with being healthy in body, in mind and in spirit.

Indulge me a moment so we can address these things. From our Mormon perspective, we are guided by the words of wisdom to refrain from things that are not good for our bodies. Coffee, tea, smoking, alcohol, drugs and such are not good for us so they are wise words indeed. Unfortunately I often wish the Words of wisdom had a much long list including white bread, overeating, too much sugar and fat, donuts, fast food, ice cream, potato chips and similar junk food and such. But when the words of wisdom were written much of these things never existed so they were not written about. Over time when this "junk" became available to us, no one paid attention to the warnings about obesity. I guess if it isn't in scriptures then no need to follow wise eating habits. In addition we have all become too sedentary. No one had to tell the pioneers to get exercise more. Their entire lives were exercise.

We need to really stop and think about those words of wisdom. We need to think of our bodies as the Temples they were created to be. We need to think that making bad eating choices are every bit as bad a choice as popping the cork on a bottle of wine. We need to think that God created us in his image and his image is not about being unhealthy and obese, nor is it about being skinny or having a hot body. It is about being the very best you can be. It is about living to the fullness of joy and the highest potential that you were created to be.

You will never be able to change your husband or change anyone else for that matter. But you can change yourself. It's is not easy. It is an ongoing daily lifestyle. When your body is healthy, your mind and your spirit will be as well. It's all part of the package.

I would seriously surround yourself with healthy thoughts, healthy people and make some changes that will make you healthier and keep you healthy. And if you have children, your healthier lifestyle may rub off on them as well which makes you a better guiding and loving parent that cares bout their health as well. Educate yourself or join a group. Get out and walk. Exercise does not mean having to join an expensive health club. And remember that those 50 pounds did not just happen on your body in a day, and they will not leave in a day. One day at a time. One walk at a time. One meal at a time. You can and will change if you want to and if you want to do it for YOU.

And please PLEASE PLEASE!!!! Do not be desperate for someone to love you. YOU need to LOVE YOU! You are loved by the one who created you. Once you get healthy then you can decide if your husband needs to change in order to meet your requirements.

I truly wish you all the best of happiness and health.

Sarah

[tumbledquartz]

BUT 50 pounds of gained and sustained weight is not normal and it is definitely not healthy.

Thanks, Sarah. You're definitely right about the fact that I need to get healthy for me. Honestly, the only times I've been able to lose weight is when I wasn't trying to lose weight, but, rather, to be healthier.

Not to be argumentative, but just to clarify, I gained 30 pounds, lost 10, and mostly have fluctuated between those two weights my whole adult life outside of pregnancies. I had even gotten down almost to my pre-marriage weight at one point between pregnancies. It's only since my failed attempt at losing weight despite training, diet, and running 2 triathlons last year, and then being injured, that I have gained another 20 lbs, putting me now at 50 lbs over my healthy weight. I'm just tired and frustrated right now, but I'm not giving up entirely on getting my weight back down.

And please PLEASE PLEASE!!!! Do not be desperate for someone to love you. YOU need to LOVE YOU! You are loved by the one who created you.

You're right again, of course. I used to be better at this. I used to look in the mirror and see an amazing person who just happened to have some flaws like everyone else. It's only in the last year or so that I've started looking in the mirror and seeing myself the way my husband sees me. I'm working on that. I actually had already been to the bishop to get some help and counsel about seeing myself as a beautiful daughter of God again before I even knew about any of the substance abuse or cheating, etc.

But, aside from all that, I'm still human, and I do want a man to love me, and beyond that, to be /wanted/ and /adored/ by him. I've prayed to feel God's love and for that to be enough for me to be happy, and sometimes I feel like it is. But sometimes I just want my husband to look me in the eye and tell me I'm gorgeous and beautiful and that he'll never want anyone but me, like he used to before I gained weight.

Really, the biggest reason I posted was just as clear-cut as the title of the thread. I just wanted to know that I wasn't crazy to think it was possible that someone - maybe even my husband???? - could look at me just the way I am now and feel like a lucky guy to have such a great wife.

I don't know; maybe that really is too much to ask, but I hope it's not. At least now he's willing to admit that maybe he's wrong, and that maybe he could use some counseling, and he's agreed to see both a counselor and the bishop. So, we'll see what happens...

[Guest]

Really, the biggest reason I posted was just as clear-cut as the title of the thread. I just wanted to know that I wasn't crazy to think it was possible that someone - maybe even my husband???? - could look at me just the way I am now and feel like a lucky guy to have such a great wife.

I don't know; maybe that really is too much to ask, but I hope it's not. At least now he's willing to admit that maybe he's wrong, and that maybe he could use some counseling, and he's agreed to see both a counselor and the bishop. So, we'll see what happens...

No, it's not too much to ask. Plenty of overweight people have spouses who love them and cherish them and desire them, and see their wonderful qualities above and beyond what they happen to weigh that week or month or year. I myself carry about 30 extra pounds (working on it. . .), but a couple of years ago (besides my last pregnancy), I weighed 25 pounds more than even this. My husband can barely tell the difference between then and now. Of course he knows I weigh more than when we got married, but so does he. He still loves me and can't keep his hands off of me.

Because it's about loving me and looking at my good qualities, physical and otherwise, and not focusing on my imperfections; just like I love and desire him because of the man he his and everything we've weathered together, instead of fussing over his little podge and missing hair.

You are not asking too much. He has a problem. You are not the problem.