Can a Man be Happily Married to a Fat Woman?

[tumbledquartz]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years, mostly not-so-happily, but we've been working on it. One big thorn in our marriage is the fact that in our first year of marriage, I gained weight, and he says he never wanted a fat wife. I've never been enormous by any means, but I weigh about 50 pounds more now than I did when we met. Never mind the fact that he gained just as much weight as I did - men are visual and women aren't; therefore, it doesn't matter if he gains weight, but it matters if I do.

I've tried to lose weight and sometimes been successful and sometimes not, but right now, I weigh more than I ever have other than when I was pregnant. He has told me that if he knew I would never get a hot body, he would leave the marriage right now. He's only staying in hopes that I get with the program and get skinny. I proposed that he work on whatever issues he has that make him so unhappy with someone who isn't a supermodel, and he thought that was the absolute most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard of because there's no way a man can be attracted to a fat woman.

Things have really deteriorated this last year and then the last few weeks have been terrible because I just found out a whole bunch of crap that I had no idea was going on. He's been drinking, smoking pot, looking at porn, and, the ultimate kicker that I just found out two days ago, is that he cheated on me. He swears it was only one time and they didn't "go all the way," so I guess there is at least that. Small consolation, since he admitted they did have oral sex. But he is adamant that he isn't going to do that again and that he's going to quit the alcohol and porn. He's even talking about coming back to church, something he hasn't done in several years.

Part of me just can't get over kicking myself because I knew before I married him that he had been through rehab and had had problems with alcoholism, drugs, and had been sleeping around before I met him. But he had repented and was very spiritual and I was just super naive, I guess. There were red flags that I didn't see because I was just so desperate for someone to love me and I had a bird in the hand - someone who gave me tons of love and wanted to take me to the temple.

He's been going through this whole mid-life-crisis over the last few years as he approached age 40. He's now losing weight and taking great pains to look good, including using lots of anti-wrinkle cream and is even talking about hair replacement therapy. He says the window of opportunity he has right now to get a hot wife is closing and if I'm not going to be the wife he wants, he's getting ready to go get her.

Honestly, huge parts of me are wanting to kick him to the curb right this second and say good riddance. But then parts of me wonder if he's right. Will I have any chance of finding a decent guy if he leaves me and I'm still fat? Can a man REALLY love a fat woman? Or is that too much to ask for?

I really need to hear from men specifically if you're reading this - HONEST answers. Do I have any hope of being really loved and cherished if I'm not a size 8 or less? Because if not, I need to know now so I can put every effort I can muster into saving the relationship I already have and keeping my kids' dad around. I feel in my heart like I deserve better, but despite the things I've written in this post, he's a good dad, he provides well for our family, and he generally treats me well - no physical abuse or anything like that.

If I could lose 50 pounds and our marriage and family life would be 100 times better, maybe that's what I should be putting all my energy into. Especially considering the fact that if we divorce, I might never remarry and/or end up marrying someone who isn't any better and I will have destroyed my family for nothing.

[skippy740]

A man can love a woman no matter WHAT her weight is. My separated wife (we're working on it!) is a size 16 (if I remember right). We've BOTH gained 50 pounds since we got married 9 years ago. I have NEVER complained about her weight and I find her just as attractive and irresistable as the day I met, proposed and married her. Now, if the weight was really affecting her health... that would be a different issue.

I only have your post to go on... but it looks like his eyes are bigger than his heart. He wants what he can't have and he thinks he deserves it (for some reason).

Why is it that I can be happy to have my wife (whom I'm separated from) and would give anything to be back with her... and he just wants a skinny 'trophy wife' because you're 'too fat'?

Yes a man can love a woman for who she is and be physically and emotionally attracted to her. His attitude towards this marriage, per your post, does not reflect a 'celestial' attitude towards you and your children.

2 Nephi 9:39

39 O, my beloved brethren, remember the awfulness in transgressing against that Holy God, and also the awfulness of yielding to the enticings of that cunning one. Remember, to be carnally-minded is death, and to be spiritually-minded is life eternal.

I posted that for 2 reasons:

1) It's a warning against sin and being carnally minded.

2) A great reminder to S.M.I.L.E.! You are a person of worth and whether your current husband recognizes that or not, would be his loss for not investing in the time to nurture the relationship, but holding a 'threat of leaving' over your head if you don't lose weight.

(BTW, I consider that a form of abuse and trying to be overly controlling and domineering in the relationship, IMO. "Fix yourself up or I'm outta here" is NOT how you work things out as a couple.)

[annewandering]

Yes you can have a happy marriage. My heavens look around you. My husband told me long ago he would not be married to a fat woman. Well its 41 years later and he is happily married to one. The question is really does he love you or does he love himself most.

If he were loving he might help you to lose weight by being supportive and not by being selfishly abusive. My husband would like me to be less heavy but he has never nagged or humiliated me and never will.

[ViolinGirl]

My husband married me when I was at my highest weight ever...260 pounds. I've since lost about 75 pounds, but it's taken me 15 years to do it. He's probably gained 50 pounds since our wedding. I think if you love someone, you look at what's on the inside of the person first. It sounds to me like your husband is being incredibly shallow and has some serious issues of his own to deal with. You haven't done anything wrong. If I was in your situation, I'd sit him down, tell him how I feel and then tell him that if he's looking for a supermodel wife, he's more than welcome to go find her. You deserve better than what he's willing to give you.

[Backroads]

Of course a happy marriage--heck, some guys prefer a bigger girl.

However, your husband doesn't sound interested in having a happy marriage. I actually empathize with your "kick 'im to the curb" desire. Maybe not the best idea, but he's at fault here, not you.

[Dravin]

I proposed that he work on whatever issues he has that make him so unhappy with someone who isn't a supermodel, and he thought that was the absolute most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard of because there's no way a man can be attracted to a fat woman.

Does he actually expect you to get super model thin? His position most definitely sucks from what I can read in your post but it doesn't help anyone to inflate it any.

I proposed that he work on whatever issues he has that make him so unhappy with someone who isn't a supermodel, and he thought that was the absolute most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard of because there's no way a man can be attracted to a fat woman.

Considering there exists a category of pornography aimed at men who like large women that's rather demonstrably false. Not that I'm suggesting buying a porn magazine as evidence or anything. Thing is it doesn't particularly matter what other men are attracted to, what matters is what he is attracted to (which despite what he may try to claim isn't completely immutable).

I note that here you talk about attraction but later on in you post you start talking about love. It should be noted that they aren't quite the same thing. It's possible he could not be attracted but still love you. Not that having both isn't preferable, and not that knowing you aren't desired physically doesn't play havoc with one's emotions. However, his comments about being ready to kick you to the curb if you don't get with the weight loss suggests there are something seriously screwy going on in the love department.

I really need to hear from men specifically if you're reading this - HONEST answers. Do I have any hope of being really loved and cherished if I'm not a size 8 or less?

Yes, you do.

Because if not, I need to know now so I can put every effort I can muster into saving the relationship I already have and keeping my kids' dad around. I feel in my heart like I deserve better, but despite the things I've written in this post, he's a good dad, he provides well for our family, and he generally treats me well - no physical abuse or anything like that.

Personally I think your marriage is or isn't worth staying in regardless of any prospects that may exist afterwards. As far as him being a good dad, this mirrors my own thoughts:

The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.

Edited July 13, 2012 by Dravin

[Bini]

Of course a happy marriage--heck, some guys prefer a bigger girl.

However, your husband doesn't sound interested in having a happy marriage. I actually empathize with your "kick 'im to the curb" desire. Maybe not the best idea, but he's at fault here, not you.

I agree.

Sounds like this man has already made up his mind, and he's given OP an ultimatum, look the way I desire you to look or I'm outta here. He's banking on things remaining as they are, and that in his mind, will validate him taking off. And then, of course, he can turnaround and blame OP for the marriage ending because it was OP that didn't try hard enough. What a crock! This kind of threat and treatment is not love, in any shape or form, it's hurtful and harmful. To answer OP's question - YES - there are men that prefer bigger women. I have two BILs that do. And they are beautiful women, inside and out.

[pam]

However, his comments about being ready to kick you to the curb if you don't get with the weight loss suggests there are something seriously screwy going on in the love department.

Actually it was she that said she was ready to kick him to the curb.

[Wingnut]

I would be banned from this site if I used the word that come to mind to describe the OP's husband.

[Dravin]

Actually it was she that said she was ready to kick him to the curb.

He said:

He says the window of opportunity he has right now to get a hot wife is closing and if I'm not going to be the wife he wants, he's getting ready to go get her.

That's pretty much, 'I'm ready to kick you to the curb if you don't get hot/skinny.'

[pam]

Awww well I thought since she said in her post that she considered kicking him to the curb that's what you were referring to.

Nice way to get out of it though.

[Dravin]

Awww well I thought since she said in her post that she considered kicking him to the curb that's what you were referring to.

She did say, "Honestly, huge parts of me are wanting to kick him to the curb right this second and say good riddance." but that wasn't what I was referring to. It is probably why the phrasing was on the 'tip of my fingers' though, and I can understand why there might be confusion.

Edited July 13, 2012 by Dravin

[beefche]

Maybe it's just me, but I'd tell the piece of doo-doo "Don't let the door hit you on the way out." Actually, no, I'd let the door hit him (with some encouragement from me....).

[Guest]

Wow. If my husband would read the OP, he'd probably do a roundhouse kick and a rear naked choke on the husband.

What's interesting about that comment is that my husband was a runway model when we got married and one of the things we talked about before getting married is his health-nut-ness. If I don't take care of my body he'll consider it a sign of disrespect to my body which extends to him as well.

So, you would think he'd be the kind of guy that would be like the OP's husband, right? Well, no. Because my husband loves ME not my waist line! Right now, I'm 40 lbs heavier than our wedding day. But, he does encourage me to stay healthy. Too fat or too skinny is an indicator that something in the body is not in balance (in my case, I hit my 40's and I can't seem to get a hold of this metabolic change). As long as I'm working on that balance that's really all that matters to him. In a way, I wish he would tell me I'm fat so I can be more motivated to change. He tells me I'm beautiful and calls me my lovely momma and that kinda makes me complacent that I'm just fine when I know my body is not in balance.

My husband busted a couple of discs on his back last year. When you're this guy who has always been healthy your whole life then you bust a couple discs and all of a sudden you can't work-out like you used to, it is really hard to get back in balance. So, my husband gained 30 lbs... and lost muscles... which is a drastic change for him... all happening in less than a year. You know what, he is still as loving as he is and I am still as loving as I am... it doesn't change anything. What changes is that I have to keep him motivated so he doesn't go down a depression spiral when he doesn't achieve his health goals.

So, can a man be happily married to a fat woman? YES. Can a man be happily married to what society considers ugly women? YES. Can a man be happily married to a one-legged, three-eyed woman? YES. Because, your physical body is not what you marry. It's the WHOLE PACKAGE that you marry.

So, go ahead and tell your husband to exchange you for a pair of Twenties with Pamela Anderson boobies. That would be his punishment for loving only "hotness". Because, when all you want is hotness, then that's all you get. Like getting a book just for the cover and not finding pages in between when you try to crack open the book... which, trust me on this, is misery on itself.

But, you, on the other hand... don't lose weight for HIM... he sure doesn't deserve it. Lose weight and feel good to stay healthy for yourself and your kids. Your kids would benefit from a mother who has the energy to care for them and a high chance of living past the birth of the grandkids. But, most of all, you want to feel good about yourself, for YOU. Don't worry about how much you weigh. Just worry about how healthy and energized you feel. Eat right, drink plenty of water, be physical (i.e., take the first parking space you find instead of circling around to find a closer spot then walk the rest of the way) keep away from stress, get enough sleep, enjoy nature, love every moment of life. That's health medicine, right there.

[Just_A_Guy]

Can a Man be Happily Married to a Fat Woman?

A man can. Your man? Well . . . reread your own post. What do you think?

He's already told you he's making preparations to leave. Do you believe him? Should you believe him?

At the very least, you should start building up a private emergency fund, just in case.

[Guest]

I would be banned from this site if I used the word that come to mind to describe the OP's husband.

May I help a little?

I think the question the OP should ask herself is, can a daughter of God be happily married to a shallow, selfish [deleted by moderator - but not because I necessarily disagree]?

Edited July 13, 2012 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[Vort]

I would be banned from this site if I used the word that come to mind to describe the OP's husband.

"Unknown"? "Described-from-a-single-biased-position"? "Not-given-a-chance-to-defend-himself-or-tell-his-side"? (Using hyphens, as I so cleverly did, makes it a single word.) Several years on this site have convinced me that it's silly to pass judgment on the spouse of someone who posts a complaint, even if the case seems clear-cut.

OP, to answer your question: Yes, of course a man can love a fat woman, just as he can love a tall or short or skinny or bald or beautiful woman. Love is an attribute of the lover, not of the beloved.

A very different but somewhat related question is, Can a man be attracted to a fat woman? The answer here is, Yes, it's certainly possible, but it depends on the man and on the woman. Some men (in our culture, the minority) prefer the look of a fat woman. Others are attracted to a certain woman regardless of what she looks like. I am confident I would be attracted to Sister Vort even if she were fat. (But, lucky me, I haven't yet had to find out by experience; her French metabolism keeps her looking gooooood, even as she approaches middle age.)

If your husband is holding his love for you hostage in exchange for you losing weight, my view is that the relationship needs serious modification on his part (and perhaps on yours). This is not about weight. If he's into porn, I am confident that has a lot to do with his unholy fixations on weight and body shape.

By the way, however you feel about the morality of oral sex, it is sex. Period. If he had "just" oral sex with a woman, then he committed adultery with her.

[NeuroTypical]

Do you have kids?

[Dravin]

Do you have kids?

I'm figuring she does based on this snippet:

Because if not, I need to know now so I can put every effort I can muster into saving the relationship I already have and keeping my kids' dad around. I feel in my heart like I deserve better, but despite the things I've written in this post, he's a good dad, he provides well for our family, and he generally treats me well - no physical abuse or anything like that.

[Guest]

Not hitting you doesn't mean he's good to you.

If you have daughters, I'm concerned about what they're learning from him.

[prisonchaplain]

15 years into a marriage (we're 17) weight loss should be about health and the desire of your spouse to have you around longer. We might want to lose weight to please our spouses, but to demand this is really outrageous.

[applepansy]

Not hitting you doesn't mean he's good to you.

If you have daughters, I'm concerned about what they're learning from him.

I'm just as concerned about what he is teaching sons. It would kill me as a mother to have grown sons who abused the woman they said they loved, especially if it was because I didn't teach them through example that women don't have to put up with any kind of abuse.

[Guest]

May I help a little?

I think the question the OP should ask herself is, can a daughter of God be happily married to a shallow, selfish [deleted by moderator - but not because I necessarily disagree]?

Thanks for the gentle moderation. I gave that one a 50/50 chance to slide by.

[tumbledquartz]

Vort is right - this is just my side of the story and I realized as I wrote it that it is a really flat picture of the situation, but that's the nature of bulletin board conversations. The truth is that I have bipolar and I definitely have my own issues that go with that, and completely separate from that, too. I'm a terrible housekeeper and that bugs him because he works so hard. The difference, at least the way I see it, is that I admit my weaknesses and try to work on them, and I try to be understanding and forgiving of his, including when he quit going to church several years ago, which was a big deal to me, but I decided not to dwell on it or let it bug me. I let him know occasionally that I'd love it if he came back, but I don't get down on him or berate him for it.

Since being diagnosed with bipolar, I've made great progress through counseling and medication and I'm not nearly as moody as I was, and I've tried to improve my housekeeping as well. But the thing is, out of all the issues I have, he says the only one he /really/ cares about is the weight. He says he'll never complain about the house or anything else if I'm skinny. (not that it won't still bug him, but since I've said he's overwhelmed me with complaints, he just wants me to concentrate on the weight.) The thing is, I made great efforts last year, working out five days a week, I cut out ice cream which is my absolute fave, and ran some triathlons and 5Ks, but I didn't lose any weight. And I got injured, discouraged, quit, and then gained weight. But none of my effort means anything to him because he says it's "results that count" and he wants me to have a "body-for-life body" like some of our neighbors, one of whom has even competed in bikini competitions.

Honestly, I've known about the porn since he started years and years ago, but he had indicated to me more than once that he had quit, and, as naive as I am, I didn't continue to question him about it. The truth is that he can't tell a lie if I ask him straight-up, but I now know he's very good at evading the question or giving a half-answer. Like when I found his beer two weeks ago and questioned him about when he started drinking again, he told me (it's been just over a year), but he didn't tell me anything else. When I questioned if he was doing drugs too, he said, "I'm not doing hard drugs like cocaine." It wasn't until later that night that I realized he really hadn't answered the question and I asked him flat-out if he was smoking pot and he admitted he was.

So over the past week, as questions have occurred to me, I've learned to ask flat-out questions. When I asked if he'd cheated on me, his reply was that he "hadn't had intercourse with another woman." Which I now know was code for "I'm going to try to get out of answering this with a straight answer and maybe get away with it." So I asked if he had had oral sex with another woman and he was silent for long enough that I knew my answer. He doesn't want to tell me details because he says he's ashamed, but he did tell me he's never seen her again and never will.

So, based on the fact that he can't seem to lie to me if I ask him a straight question, I believe him when he says that he was clean and sober for 18 years and that he knows he needs to quit the alcohol, and that he only cheated on me once.

I don't know; I'm just so frustrated and confused right now. He's basically a good person, honestly, and he feels bad about what he's done. And he says he loves me and that's why he's stayed with me despite being unhappy about my weight. He cites all the good qualities I have, that I'm sweet and caring and that I'm taking our kids to church and teaching them the gospel and everything. But he just can't get past the weight.

To answer some of the questions that have been asked, I do have daughters, and a son. He seems to be in a really humble place right now, saying that he feels lost and that he doesn't think he's strong enough or good enough to make it to the celestial kingdom, and he says he's willing to see the bishop and maybe even go back to church. So I have hope that maybe we can work things out, but he's just so adamant about the weight issue. He insists that the only two possible outcomes are for me to lose weight or for him to leave me.

[annewandering]

In thinking about this, I wonder if he is just trying to justify his adultery and porn. He looks like he is on a downhill slide pretty fast with the beer, adultery, porn and not attending church.

A lot of guilt issues. Perhaps you might encourage him to repent instead of sliding the problem to you.

I like that you are working on your weight and housekeeping. Those are two things I need to do as well. :) Do not let yourself think that those are the problem, however. They are not. He is unhappy with himself and not willing to face up to putting the blame where it belongs. Who does?