SisterSarah Posted July 20, 2012 Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 Hi Tumbledquartz, Yes you absolutely deserve to be loved, fully and completely by your husband irregardless of what you weigh, or what you look like in the mirror. Marriage is a forever deal. Even for non Mormons who are not sealed for eternity, marriage is an agreement between two people to love each other for a lifetime. Your husband need to come to the realization of that. Love is not conditional or based on fluxuating numbers on a scale, or even whether someone is pleasant to look at, or is even capable of having sexual relations. What happens if God forbid some day your hair turns gray, or you get cancer and your hair falls out from chemo, or you get sagging and wrinkles all over. If we are blessed with a long life, sooner or later it's a given we will not look like we did in our youth. I would like to share something that maybe could be a little exercise that could be of help. If not that is ok too. Anyway I was invited to attend a workshop that dealt with self esteem issues and how a person saw themselves. It began with asking the participants to try to recall when the first time was that they were self aware of their appearance. Think of how a happy healthy little child lives in joy and feels good about themselves when they may have never yet even looked in a mirror; and if they do they likely do not register any thought process on how they look. The workshop continued over several days. Part of the program was for people to describe themselves on how they appeared to themselves AT THAT VERY MOMENT and how they think others saw them also at THAT VERY MOMENT. The interesting part is that there were NO mirrors to be had anywhere. None in the ladies room, none in the cabins where participants stayed. And the rules were that you could not bring mirrors in. No mirrors at all for a three day workshop. So you would have to describe yourself regarding your appearance AT THAT VERY MOMENT. And there were no scales either or any device that could give a reading, a barometer of any kind or an opinion of your appearance, other than how you see yourself in your own mind. It was interesting because since even dressing, brushing your hair and general grooming, you really could not tell other than touch. So since you really couldn't "see" what you looked like and you had no frame of reference, participants described their attributes. What was good about themselves and even what they didn't like so well, but they did not physically describe themselves. The point was to learn to be happy with what you have without aid of a mirror. In fact mirrors are somewhat of an illusion that don't always tell you the truth anyway. How many anorexic girls look in a mirror and see fat? How many obese girls look in the mirror and see themselves as a sexy diva? It isn't the mirror. It's what they think they see. So back to why to adjust your weight to a healthy level. Re read your post where you say you need to get your weight down (and you have a specific number in mind determined by what you used to weigh). So how about adjusting the thoughts to not so much getting your weight down, rather getting your health up. Feeling fit and healthy is the key. The fact that you did a marathon is an indication that you have been in pretty good shape as far as health and fitness goes. Ok so moving forward, now you see yourself as healthy and the weight is at a healthy level (don't compare it with some number that registered before). If it's too tempting, lock the scale up in the closet so you don't have to think about numbers. Once you are at a healthy weight and feel healthy and energetic and fit; you will not likely be so focused on the need to be be loved by someone else because you will have learned to love yourself. Then you will come to realize that you deserve to be loved by someone who appreciates you beyond the physical because the physical part doesn't last all that long anyway. It is good to look and be your best of course. But the goal in a happy mutually loving adoring marriage is to get past the mirrors and the scales and look at each other from the mind and heart. The thing that always warms my heart is when I see a couple in their 80's or 90's looking at each other like they are the most attractive people in the room, holding hands and looking more in love than I see couples on their wedding day. May you have all the love in the world that you believe that you deserve. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Finrock Posted July 20, 2012 Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 Good evening Tumbledquartz. It is a pleasure to meet you. :) If what you say about your husband is true then it is clear that your husband doesn't have a clue as to what he is talking about. All of us carry around unseen wounds caused by sin and often when we are wounded we lash out at others. It's possible that your husband doesn't even recognize the wounds he has, but, unavoidably whether your husband recognizes them or not they will affect him. I am sorry you are dealing with this sort of pain. As hard as it might be you have to look at your husband as one who is severely wounded and one who needs the balm of Gilead in order to be healed, just as all of us do. In the meantime: I don't care what you look like or whatever the case may be you deserve to be treated with respect, to be loved by your husband, and your husband ought to be 100% faithful to you until forever. Regards, Finrock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted July 20, 2012 Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 My husband looks at me every day and tells me how wonderful and beautiful I am and how grateful he is to have met me. I know I am not wonderful or beautiful and I am definitively fat but he sees me through the eyes of love. I do not envy your challenge. Please keep in mind that you are not at fault because he is blind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slamjet Posted July 20, 2012 Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 So, can a women be happily married to a fat guy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted July 20, 2012 Share Posted July 20, 2012 · Hidden Hidden So, can a women be happily married to a fat guy?Psspt... wome, is an irregular plural.My I'm feeling pedantic today. Link to comment
Guest Posted July 20, 2012 Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 So, can a women be happily married to a fat guy?Of course not!Oh wait.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mrmarklin Posted July 20, 2012 Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 Unless he's a chubby chaser, NO. Guys are visual, and while as Mormons we tolerate women letting themselves go, I can say no one is happy about it that I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tumbledquartz Posted July 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 Unless he's a chubby chaser, NO.Guys are visual, and while as Mormons we tolerate women letting themselves go, I can say no one is happy about it that I know.Thanks for your honest reply. It makes me wonder, too, if more people feel the same way and just didn't want to say it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted July 20, 2012 Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 Thanks for your honest reply. It makes me wonder, too, if more people feel the same way and just didn't want to say it.One can be honest and yet tactful. I feel that response was tactless and could have been worded better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted July 20, 2012 Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 I can assure you I wasn't feeling the same way with my reply, though the fact others were thinking it is a strong possibility. Guys are visual, but I don't think they are all attracted by the same visual things. Guys have their tastes, too. Still, I think most guys do appreciate a woman who is able to take care of herself, look good (whatever good may mean). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted July 21, 2012 Report Share Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) Unless he's a chubby chaser, NO.Guys are visual, and while as Mormons we tolerate women letting themselves go, I can say no one is happy about it that I know.Speak for yourself. Nice to know that Mormons tolerate us 'women' letting ourselves go.. What the heck is a chubby chaser? Are there anorexic chasers too?Right now I admit I am not too fond of 'people' who think like this. My cousin, a very beautiful woman by the way, had her husband tell her he didnt love her and had been having an affair and it was ALL her fault for being fat. It was her fault. All of it. He was innocent. So ya I am ticked off about it.In fact that is the SECOND one. The other was to my jerk of a cousin's wonderful wife. I am so thankful that there really are good men in the world. These are just very bad examples of two year olds playing at adulthood. Edited July 21, 2012 by annewandering Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 21, 2012 Report Share Posted July 21, 2012 mrmarklin is just dishing out his usual misogynistic charm. Don't worry about it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted July 21, 2012 Report Share Posted July 21, 2012 So I see. Ty for reminding me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
estradling75 Posted July 21, 2012 Report Share Posted July 21, 2012 Depends on what kind of man you are talking about. If you are talking about a Natural Man then the odds drop greatly. Because the natural man will be biologically wired to be attracted to females that appear fertile, and being overweight can obscure or obstruct those biological markers. Then you have the Spiritual Man the one that is much closer to loving you like Christ loves you. All men will fall somewhere in the spectrum between the two. Your husband appears to be trending toward the Natural Man, many posters have shared their experience with the more Spiritual Man, hopefully you've seen the difference. Do note that in this life the Natural Man is to be controlled, but it not totally gone in the majority of cases, which is why there is advice to take reasonable steps (factoring health and ability) to remain attractive. I suspect that your husband is pretty far gone in the clutches of the natural man. This leads me to think that even if you magically overnight became everything he claims he wants he would simply find something else to degrade you with. So I wouldn't advise you to do anything for him. I would advise you to take steps to help you feel better about yourself... Because you can control that... You can't control him or his responses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted July 21, 2012 Report Share Posted July 21, 2012 Depends on what kind of man you are talking about. If you are talking about a Natural Man then the odds drop greatly. Because the natural man will be biologically wired to be attracted to females that appear fertile, and being overweight can obscure or obstruct those biological markers.Then you have the Spiritual Man the one that is much closer to loving you like Christ loves you.All men will fall somewhere in the spectrum between the two. Your husband appears to be trending toward the Natural Man, many posters have shared their experience with the more Spiritual Man, hopefully you've seen the difference.Do note that in this life the Natural Man is to be controlled, but it not totally gone in the majority of cases, which is why there is advice to take reasonable steps (factoring health and ability) to remain attractive.I suspect that your husband is pretty far gone in the clutches of the natural man. This leads me to think that even if you magically overnight became everything he claims he wants he would simply find something else to degrade you with.So I wouldn't advise you to do anything for him. I would advise you to take steps to help you feel better about yourself... Because you can control that... You can't control him or his responses. However you can boot him in the rear out the door if he just can not come to terms with you as a person. In fact, I would NOT worry about my weight at this point at all. Do you demean yourself to the point that you will redo yourself hoping for his love? If you do, then do you think for one minute he loves you? Or is it your body he is after and forget the person inside? If you did all he says you have to do, will you ever believe he loves you? You need to solve your difficulties one way or the other BEFORE trying to be his porn fantasy. If you get them straightened out then, hey go for it. If you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lds2 Posted July 21, 2012 Report Share Posted July 21, 2012 I'm not seeing a happy ending to this one unfortunately anytime in the near future. My experience has been the deeper the guy gets into addiction the more he blames you. My ex-husband said I was "too fat" to kiss at 126 pounds and I was 5'7"+ and a very pretty woman to boot. Yet he told me I was unattractive because I had a frankinstein forehead and rabbit teeth and was disappointed with my chest and looked like a dead person without makeup, etc. If you did lose the weight I bet he would say you aren't playful or perverted enough to satisfy his needs, etc. He would find other things to make you feel bad about yourself and justify in his mind looking elsewhere for "fulfillment." Seriously, it is all about keeping the focus on you so he doesn't have to look too closely at himself. Being emotionally abused is very difficult, being a divorced woman is also very difficult. I hope you have a strong support system to rely on regardless. As a divorced person you would probably lose weight, it wouldn't hurt to start now for your own "preparations" for your future as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted July 21, 2012 Report Share Posted July 21, 2012 it wouldn't hurt to start now for your own "preparations" for your future as well.The idea of preparing for your own future is a good one. If you keep him. ok. If you dont, you will be a step ahead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnthonyB Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 I feel a bit out of place posting on this thread and I don't want to add anything to the generally good advice but would like to make a comment. I have been married 16 years and could never imagine saying that kind of thing to my wife. But what I really wanted to say was since LDS believe in eternal marriages, and as we are going to get perfected bodies in eternity, what kind of a man couldn't live with a few extra pounds for miniscule portion of our existence that this life is, if he was going to have the joy of being partnered to his wife for eternity. (and presumeably getting to enjoy extreme marital happiness to boot.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annewandering Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 I actually have a hard time thinking I would even like a person who said something like that let alone living with them for eternity. Oh how fun it would be to like and love a person who cant wait till we die so they can have hot sex with my perfect new body. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eleven Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) Worldly appearances attract worldly people. If he took you for what you're really worth, he would understand nothing else mattered. The only comment i wanted to add was your question of "can a man be in love with a fat woman?" strikes me with a deeper question: Is the woman happy with herself? Its sometimes trying to love someone that doesnt love themself. If you find yourself wallowing in sorrow, embarrassment.. etc.. lets put it easier, happy wife, happy life. If you feel content, he should feel content. if you feel you would like to shed some pounds to gain more self confidence that all these people say they gain from losing weight, he should help you and support you just like any husband should support any righteous thing his wife would want. This definitely may not be the case, seeing some of the rude things he has said to you, but everyone else has seemed to cover their opinions on that side of the conversation. I just wanted to give something else to think about The only thing I'm trying to get at is you can only change yourself when any argument happens with anyone. So one of two things needs to happen, be content with who you are KNOWING there are amazing guys out there who look at your waist size like hair color, they dont care. Choice number two is if youre not confident, do whatever it takes to be confident. MEN LOVE CONFIDENT WOMEN WHO KNOW WHO THEY ARE :) Edited July 23, 2012 by Eleven clarification Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alucarD1975 Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 Speak for yourself. Nice to know that Mormons tolerate us 'women' letting ourselves go.. What the heck is a chubby chaser? Are there anorexic chasers too?Right now I admit I am not too fond of 'people' who think like this. My cousin, a very beautiful woman by the way, had her husband tell her he didnt love her and had been having an affair and it was ALL her fault for being fat. It was her fault. All of it. He was innocent. So ya I am ticked off about it.In fact that is the SECOND one. The other was to my jerk of a cousin's wonderful wife. I am so thankful that there really are good men in the world. These are just very bad examples of two year olds playing at adulthood.I'm sure we can all agree that your cousins husband is a jerk and that being over weight is not an excuse to have an affair. That said marriage is a contract if she gained a significant amount of weight the argurement can be made that she did not up hold her side of the contract. As she is clearly no longer the same person he married. This does not excuse his actions! The question can a man be happily married to a fat woman... Sure there are chubby chasers out there (a chubby chaser is a guy who likes fat chicks) love is also more than skin deep at least it should be. But if your partner has issues with your weight as a woman shouldn't you address those issues? Don't you want your mate to be sexually attracted to you? If you as a woman get fat abd refuse to lose the weight Or stopping having sex with him because you don't feel sexy.....and your husband starts looking at porn is it really ALL his fault? No not really..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leah Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 I'm sure we can all agree that your cousins husband is a jerk and that being over weight is not an excuse to have an affair. That said marriage is a contract if she gained a significant amount of weight the argurement can be made that she did not up hold her side of the contract. As she is clearly no longer the same person he married. This does not excuse his actions! The question can a man be happily married to a fat woman... Sure there are chubby chasers out there (a chubby chaser is a guy who likes fat chicks) love is also more than skin deep at least it should be. But if your partner has issues with your weight as a woman shouldn't you address those issues? Don't you want your mate to be sexually attracted to you? If you as a woman get fat abd refuse to lose the weight Or stopping having sex with him because you don't feel sexy.....and your husband starts looking at porn is it really ALL his fault? No not really.....Granted, I have not yet been sealed to anyone in the temple, but I had no idea that part of the ordinance included the woman agreeing to not weigh more than X number of pounds. You learn something new every day! And if women should be required to address the "issue" of their weight...shouldn't we also address the issue of men being bald? Or gray haired? Or gaining weight? I mean, if a guy goes bald, he is "clearly no longer the same person" she married. Shame on him! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 Yeah, I never covenanted to remain within a size range, especially considering 5 pregnancies, one being twins. (My husband didn't either. He's a bit rounder than he used to be, and never even had any babies.) And I didn't know that I was a possession that came with a bill of sale and a money-back guarantee. That argument never gets less stupid. A person's sin is theirs alone. If a guy decides to engage in porn use, that's AALLLL on him. Sorry, you can't blame your wife or her weight gain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 Granted, I have not yet been sealed to anyone in the temple, but I had no idea that part of the ordinance included the woman agreeing to not weigh more than X number of pounds. You learn something new every day! It's right before the line where the husband promises to make $100,000 a year minimum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 23, 2012 Report Share Posted July 23, 2012 It's right before the line where the husband promises to make $100,000 a year minimum.Looks like Mr. E and I are due for a little chat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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