Can a Man be Happily Married to a Fat Woman?

[Finrock]

You can be overweight and still be perfectly healthy.

Regards,

Finrock

[Just_A_Guy]

Outlying data points and singular anecdotes aside, my point stands.

You have good reason to try to save your current marriage. The grass is NOT greener. And I'm glad you know that. Too many people on these forums will try to convince you to "ditch the zero and find a hero."

Guess what, Rabboni:

When you're in an abusive relationship, the grass on the other side IS greener even if remarriage isn't an option.

I don't know you. You may be a very nice person. But part of my job involves frequently dealing with abusive situations, and I have had it up to *here* (pointing to my neck) with abusive SOBs who beat their wives to a bloody pulp, or spend decades cowing them into submission by threats and a constant campaign of verbal degradation; and then use the "honey, you'll never find anyone better than me" line.

[tumbledquartz]

... or spend decades cowing them into submission by threats and a constant campaign of verbal degradation; and then use the "honey, you'll never find anyone better than me" line.

Just a few days ago, I had a talk with my husband about the things I want him to change, and that I'm going to eventually ask him to leave if he doesn't at least start working on a few important points. i.e. drug and alcohol abuse, and taking the counseling seriously, etc. (that's when he informed me that if I was skinny, he'd do anything I wanted. Apparently, from his actions since that conversation, he's not going to do anything I want since I'm not skinny.)

Anyway, the other thing he told me that day is that all guys are like him. He claims that if the bishop's wife wasn't hot, that the bishop would be up there on the stand coveting the other women in church just like he does.

He's also told me repeatedly that he's a good husband because he makes good money and he doesn't beat me. (He used to include not cheating on me on the short list of qualifications for a good husband, but he dropped that point a few months ago.) He still claims to be a great husband, though, just on the "money" and "not beating" points. To be a good wife, though, you have to be a trophy wife. Not sure how he lines those up in his brain...

[Connie]

Well, i think you should just submit to your husband. And you should do it in true BDSM style. Tell him to get you a slave collar (aka dog collar) and that you will furthermore refer to him as "Master" and do his every bidding as his slave. Then you can go onto sparkspeople and make a profile that lovingly states, "I am here for support on losing X amount of weight because that is what Master has commanded."

:barf: Okay, i don't really think you should do that, in case you couldn't tell. Why any woman would willingly put herself into such an abusive situation is beyond me.

[pam]

Wow Connie...at first I was thinking.."Is this the sweet Connie that we all know and love?" :)

[slamjet]

I dunno, I'd like to see that other Connie

[pam]

I dunno, I'd like to see that other Connie

Figures

[Finrock]

Maybe I'm missing some insight, but it appears that a group of you have taken Rabboni's posts, reduced it to a sexual joke, and are then as a group using it to attack Rabboni's character by implying that he is an abuser.

Am I missing something?

Regards,

Finrock

[slamjet]

You may be over-reading it. I believe the prevailing sentiment is that his advice greatly lacks depth.

[applepansy]

Just a few days ago, I had a talk with my husband about the things I want him to change, and that I'm going to eventually ask him to leave if he doesn't at least start working on a few important points. i.e. drug and alcohol abuse, and taking the counseling seriously, etc. (that's when he informed me that if I was skinny, he'd do anything I wanted. Apparently, from his actions since that conversation, he's not going to do anything I want since I'm not skinny.)

Anyway, the other thing he told me that day is that all guys are like him. He claims that if the bishop's wife wasn't hot, that the bishop would be up there on the stand coveting the other women in church just like he does.

He's also told me repeatedly that he's a good husband because he makes good money and he doesn't beat me. (He used to include not cheating on me on the short list of qualifications for a good husband, but he dropped that point a few months ago.) He still claims to be a great husband, though, just on the "money" and "not beating" points. To be a good wife, though, you have to be a trophy wife. Not sure how he lines those up in his brain...

I was nearly speechless until I read Connie's reply and then my little devil came out of hiding and ...well I'm glad I'm censoring myself.

If my husband said any of that to me I'd be showing him to the door.

[idahommie]

Can a woman be happily married to an unemployed man.

Why yes they can. See, I'm a kept man!(well, actually a stay at home Dad man-servant). Oh, and to top it off, I've even gained 50 lbs since we were married(16 yrs and 2 kids) I love my bride, whom has gained a few herself(I assisted in this.....2 kids remember?)

Hey Tumbled, a man either loves the mother of his children or does not, frankly, it sounds as though YOU deserve better, but I pray things work out the way YOU want them to.

[tumbledquartz]

Thanks, hommie. That was strangely comforting.

[Guest]

Rabboni's character

At least he hasn't lost the ability to laugh at himself.

[Backroads]

Outlying data points and singular anecdotes aside, my point stands.

You have good reason to try to save your current marriage. The grass is NOT greener. And I'm glad you know that. Too many people on these forums will try to convince you to "ditch the zero and find a hero."

I realize Rabboni is banned but I must type.

I'm all for trying to save a marriage, but I don't believe Rabboni has read tumbledquartz' side of this. Her husband has been emotionally and verbally abusive. It's very sad to have someone believe that being married to someone who is the aforementioned emotionally and verbally abusive is as good as it can get. I also believe that generally avoiding zeros is a good idea.

[Backroads]

To tumbledquartz.... without knowing the full details of what is going on other than what you have shared, my first reaction would be to call that marriage quits.

[selek]

Believe me, I know how appealing my personals ad would look. "Divorced, overweight 30-something woman with mental health issues and a handful of kids looking for tru luv." They'll be beating down my door for sure...

If you tell fer I said so, I'll call you a liar.....

....but it worked for my once-and-future bride.....

[jb789]

While I would say your husband is being ridiculous in his demands and obviously has many problems of his own to deal with, I do think that trying to be healthy (eating, exercise, etc) is very helpful.

While love is not based on physical attraction alone, the physical attraction is part of a healthy relationship. And regular exercise/healthy eating can do a lot for our personal self-esteem. I used to not exercise years ago, now I do it every day (except Sunday), I can say if is a great help for stress relief, feeling better about your body, etc. Regardless of what your husband thinks, I do think maintaining care of our bodies is a very healthy and positive thing.

[tumbledquartz]

While I would say your husband is being ridiculous in his demands and obviously has many problems of his own to deal with, I do think that trying to be healthy (eating, exercise, etc) is very helpful.

While love is not based on physical attraction alone, the physical attraction is part of a healthy relationship. And regular exercise/healthy eating can do a lot for our personal self-esteem. I used to not exercise years ago, now I do it every day (except Sunday), I can say if is a great help for stress relief, feeling better about your body, etc. Regardless of what your husband thinks, I do think maintaining care of our bodies is a very healthy and positive thing.

I agree - I need to try harder to get my body healthy. To me in my life right now, though, that doesn't mean the same thing as trying to get skinny or to look a certain way. For the benefit of those who may not want to read through hundreds of posts I'll repeat here that I have tried to lose weight in the past and my success has been very limited.

For most of last year, I was working with a trainer at the gym (which he originally objected to because of the cost, btw), working out 5-6 days a week, lifting weights and training for a triathlon, of which I ran 2. And I cut out some of my favorite snacks and tried to keep a food journal, though I wasn't religious about it that time. And I lost not one ever-living pound. However, when I quit the workouts because of an injury, I quickly accumulated 30 pounds that is just as determined to stick to me as the 20 or so I had before that.

I'll tell you the time I had better success, though - it was 5 years ago, and I was doing awesome. I was losing weight and really feeling good about myself, rarely cheating on my diet, and my dear significant other of more than a decade chose the time period 2 months into that, to walk out on me without warning, break up with me via email and not talk to me for over a week, until I had a literal nervous breakdown and was taken to the hospital. So, I know that part of what is causing my grief with weightloss is the fact that he went and caused me serious emotional pain right in the time in my life when losing weight was my main focus.

He admits now that that was the stupidest thing he's ever done, probably mostly because I might be skinny now if he hadn't derailed me. At that time, I weighed 40+ pounds less than I do now. But the bottom line is that at this point, I don't think it's possible for me to have a healthy relationship with weightloss. But I would like to get back to where I loved my body, took care of it, and felt good about myself. If I can separate that from worrying about my weight, well, that would be great. It sounds like quite the trick to me right now, if you wanna know, but that's what I'm going for.

[Guest]

I can think of around I'm guessing 180 pounds that you could drop right away.

[tumbledquartz]

I can think of around I'm guessing 180 pounds that you could drop right away.

Wow, that is a pretty close guess. He updates me regularly on his own weight loss - you know, the one he's doing so a hot woman will want him after he leaves me - and he was celebrating breaking into the 170s last week. He always weighs himself in the morning, after working out but before eating, and after peeing and spitting a few times so he really probably weighs just about exactly 180 in real, everyday life.

[Guest]

He updates me regularly on his own weight loss - you know, the one he's doing so a hot woman will want him after he leaves me.

Does he really say that to you? That makes me honestly and truly, heartache and stomach ache sad. TQ, you do not deserve that kind of verbal and emotional abuse. No one does.

[jb789]

If I can separate that from worrying about my weight, well, that would be great. It sounds like quite the trick to me right now, if you wanna know, but that's what I'm going for.

I think this is the real trick - easier said than done, I know =) I think it can happen when we do things because we inwardly, of ourselves, want to do them. If you're doing it because your husband is demanding it, or any other external motive, it is destined to fail. Even focusing too much on the goal (such as weight loss) can be detrimental - I've found that when I work on things that I personally want (not that someone else wants for me), and I enjoy the journey, and am not focused too much on the end goal, that is where joy and peace can be found.

There's a psychological theory called the Paradoxical Theory of Change, that essential states: "that change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not. Change does not take place through a coercive attempt by the individual or by another person to change him, but it does take place if one takes the time and effort to be what he is — to be fully invested in his current positions."

How this might apply to your situation, is that, you shouldn't change because other people want you to - that is their problem. If, however, of yourself you have the desire and motivation, then you will be able to persist at something. But you have to really examine your heart and determine what it is you really want - I think sometimes we get caught up into doing what we think we "should" do, without our hearts really being in it, and this is essentially a losing battle. We have to be true to ourselves.

P.S. Just for the record, if what you're saying about your husband is true, he certainly is in no way living the gospel. To be quite honest it might be better being without him - to me he sounds absolutely ridiculous (he sounds more like a vain 20 year old then a man approaching 40 - quite honestly rather pathetic and infantile).

Edited September 18, 2012 by jb789

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

the ultimate kicker that I just found out two days ago, is that he cheated on me. He swears it was only one time and they didn't "go all the way," so I guess there is at least that. Small consolation, since he admitted they did have oral sex.

I read much of the thread, but not the whole 20 pages (forgive me, LOL!) but I didn't see anyone mention this.

Oral sex is adultery. It is "going all the way".

If I were you, I would be talking to the Bishop, and counseling with him about divorce.

Sorry you have this to deal with.

[MorningStar]

I read much of the thread, but not the whole 20 pages (forgive me, LOL!) but I didn't see anyone mention this.

Oral sex is adultery. It is "going all the way".

If I were you, I would be talking to the Bishop, and counseling with him about divorce.

Sorry you have this to deal with.

Whoa! How did I miss that one? TQ, Did he get some kind of sick satisfaction in telling you that?

[Jenamarie]

Based on on my own observations, I'm thinking you'll find you hardly even have to try to lose the weight once you drop the 180lbs you've got dragging you down right now. I've witnessed 3 women leave toxic marriages, all of them were overweight when they left, none of them is now, and none of them had to put that much effort into it. Your marriage is more than just unhealthy for your self-esteem, it can (and probably is) also having a negative effect on your health. Being torn down like that, having your emotions played with like that, having the stress of "Is he going to leave me?" constantly looming, can have a very large impact on your health.

Take back control of your life. It's the only way you're likely going to be able to regain control of your health.