Can I save my marriage?

[alucarD1975]

Wait so your saying that if a husband and wife make a video/movie in the privacy of their own home to watch and enjoy together it's evil and wrong?

Sorry I disagree

[Vort]

Wait so your saying that if a husband and wife make a video/movie in the privacy of their own home to watch and enjoy together it's evil and wrong?

Sorry I disagree

Why can't you simply answer my direct, straightforward questions? Why the need to twist my wording and infer meaning?

Are you truly unable to understand and respond to direct and obvious questions?

[tumbledquartz]

What if you make your own, watch it yourselves and don't share?

How can you ever be 100% sure that your private recording won't somehow, some day, make it into the wrong hands? If you're going to be making it together and then watching it together, why not just skip it and have sex?

[alucarD1975]

Is there a definition of "evil" that would exclude those who make pornography?

Who's definition of evil are you useing? It is your own interpretation. Is a bar owner evil because he sells alcohol? If you act in ignorance does it make you evil? Clearly not.

Is that an ok anwser? The definition is subjective depending on your belief system

[tumbledquartz]

People who make porn are EVIL? throwing a broad net there aren't you?

While I don't promote Porn or watch it myself I wouldn't rush to judgement about people who watch or participate in it.

MYSTAGOGY: Former Porn Actress Exposes the Evil's of Porn

I'm sure not every person involved in the making and/our distribution of porn is an evil person. Some of them are victims. Some of them are innocent bystanders, probably. But the industry is evil and there ARE evil people in it who exploit women and children in order to make money. Maybe you could research each porn video before partaking, interviewing each actress and actor to make sure they love their job and wouldn't want to do anything else even if they could before buying and such. But unless you're going to do that, you can't be sure that you aren't lining some evil person's pocket at the expense of the women he/she exploits.

[Vort]

Who's definition of evil are you useing? It is your own interpretation. Is a bar owner evil because he sells alcohol? If you act in ignorance does it make you evil? Clearly not.

Is that an ok anwser? The definition is subjective depending on your belief system

No, it's not "an ok answer". Please quit dancing around the question and just answer it.

Is there a [reasonable] definition of "evil" that would exclude those who make pornography?

Yes or no? If "yes", please include examples.

[tumbledquartz]

How did this turn into a debate on whether porn or the makers of porn are evil or good? Porn and masturbation are both evil practices. The prophets have said so and the spirit is definitely absent when these activities are done. The shame and destruction to families that these two activities produce are very evident. I have read many stories to that effect. I am not proud of the times when I participated in these sins. That is one reason why I created this post, because I wanted to know if anyone had a similar experience or had heard of one where confession to a wife had resulted in forgiveness. I also wanted advice on how to approach the situation. I am willing to do what it takes to change my life and I am ashamed of the fact that I have even remotely strayed from the covenants that I made with my wife. I only hope that when I do confess that she will forgive me and that I can rebuild the trust and love that I have damaged. I have been reading the prophet's words and earnestly praying daily that my life will reflect what the Savior taught. I appreciate those of you who have contributed positive and constructive feedback. It helps my resolve to do good by communicating with others on this subject.

Thanks

Sorry if I caused the derailment of the original intent of your post into a tangent.

Yes, forgiveness is possible! I can't guarantee that your particular wife will forgive you, but use the spirit as your guide as to if, when, and how to tell her. And lay it on heavily that it has nothing to do with her. I know at least one person who has forgiven her husband after he confessed and they are more happily married than ever now.

[alucarD1975]

No, it's not "an ok answer". Please quit dancing around the question and just answer it.

Is there a [reasonable] definition of "evil" that would exclude those who make pornography?

Yes or no? If "yes", please include examples.

Yes the people who make/perform in porn are not necessarily evil..... Are you evil if you sin in ignorance?

Now porn as a whole is evil there are no redeeming qualities about it. It destroys families and individuals.

[NightSG]

How can you ever be 100% sure that your private recording won't somehow, some day, make it into the wrong hands?

Well, if I were going to do it, it would only be kept as an encrypted file on the computer, and the passphrase would die with me.

If you're going to be making it together and then watching it together, why not just skip it and have sex?

Why take pictures of the kids when you can just conceive another one?

[JustMiss]

First let me start by saying I admire your courage to seek some help and advice. I know it's not always easy. I think you are not the only one that struggles with this sin. Our world is plagued with violence, porn, homosexualaity and a real careless attitude to have meaningless sex. The internet makes it so easy to fall into these types of sin. Honestly I think your wife could forgive you. I have been married for 19 years. I love my husband very much and if he came to me with this in a humble manner how could I not forgive him? I am sure it would stir up some insecurities of my own. That would be my own issues that him/I would have to work through. Ask God to put that degree of forgiveness and that degree of love and faith in you in your wife's heart. God never wants to see marriages fail. Sometimes things do have to get bad before they will get better.

My wedding vows were for better or worse, in sickness and in health and so on....

Honestly I think you need to turn this over to God. God is so loving and so powerful and so just. It is Satan's grasp that has a hold of you. Sometimes I think the world gives too much power to Satan. He is nothing more then a fallen angel. God is all knowing, all powerful and most importantly, HE IS our ALL in All. Pray to God, ask for forgiveness. Stay humble. Start doing other things to occupy your time when you find yourself falling into a pattern of behavior that leads you falling. Simple prayers, Lord please grap ahold of me right now, I feel myself starting to slip...Lord clear my thoughts... Lord HELP. Everytime he clears your mind of the images of porn and the desires that follow, respond in thanks and praise.

Scripture tells us God is faithful to us if put our trust in Him. This could honestly be a faith building time in your life. Struggling with a sin and realizing you are human and you need God's help and can't do it on your own is a powerful step in the right direction. Let this be between you and God. Let him be your All in All. Stay in constant prayer with Him and lead a life that makes you dependent on Him. I think as you do that and as you ask for that you'll find yourself more focus on the positive things you have going on in your life and less on the stress. Let 1 John 1:9 be a scripture you cling to. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Lean on God for your cleanse of your mind and spirit. Let Him send put the love and strength you need in your heart. Focus Focus Focus on God and let Him help you shut out the perversion of the world. As you focus more on Him and less of the stress then you'll find yourself in less of a need to turn to stress relievers. Keep you head up, You're not abnormal and you haven't devasted your marriage. God is more powerful then you and your mess ups. Let Him fix them and then move forward past it and leave it in the pass. Pray with out ceasing.

God Bless!

[Vort]

Yes the people who make/perform in porn are not necessarily evil..... Are you evil if you sin in ignorance?

Now porn as a whole is evil there are no redeeming qualities about it. It destroys families and individuals.

PLEASE QUIT DANCING AROUND THE QUESTION AND JUST ANSWER IT.

Is there a [reasonable] definition of "evil" that would exclude those who make pornography?

Yes or no? If "yes", please include examples.

NOTE: I did not ask if "the people who make/perform in porn are...necessarily evil."

[Finrock]

Good evening needsomehelp! It is a pleasure to meet you. I hope you are doing well. :)

I hope that you are still participating in this thread even though it has devolved in to something different than what you intended.

My thoughts:

You can absolutely save your marriage. You must tell your wife. Please, tell your wife. She will likely feel very hurt and she will likely feel betrayed. Viewing pornography is a form of infidelity. God has commanded that a husband and wife must "honor marital vows with complete fidelity" (Family Proclamation). Complete fidelity means just that: the feelings and emotions of lust, sexual desire, and such must be to your spouse and your spouse only.

All relationships are built on trust. By your actions you have broken that trust, even if your wife is ignorant to your actions. You have harmed her and your marriage. A part of repentance is making restitution to those we have harmed. I promise you that if you and your wife are committed to living the gospel of Jesus Christ you can work through this. Have faith in the covenants and commitments you made to each other.

Also, understand that you are not alone. Viewing pornography is a plague and there are many who struggle or have struggled with this and they have been able to overcome it and often their marriages are stronger because husband and wife have worked together to overcome this challenge. You and your wife are partners, companions, and helpmeets to each other. Work on this issue together, with love, patience, and holding fast to the gospel.

You will feel liberated when you speak to your wife. You will begin to feel free of the guilt and you will feel so much better knowing that you don't have any dark secrets tucked away in your heart. These types of things just aren't good for a marriage.

With Respect,

Finrock

[Eleven]

To the person who made this post asking about if he should tell his wife or not, I would definitely tell her.

Think about it.. chances are youre going to need to go through a repentence process which means no sacrament.. shes going to notice that ya know?

I think a wife would rather you tell her, then her get blindsided when she finds out for herself. And also i think it would be better to happen in front of a bishop. When someones in front of a bishop, its really hard for the adversary to tempt them to be judgmental.

Step 1: tell bishop

Step 2: have bishop call you both into his office before you stop taking sacrament and explain everything to her

Step 3: Look her dead in the eyes and tell her you love her and shes beautiful. You looked at porn and have done so for a long time, and doing it because it is an addiction rather than doing it because you think your wife isnt pretty enough is two different things. Women i believe shut down for that exact reason, they think just because youre looking at that means directly "Im not good enough for him".. then intimacy (sexually or not sexually) stops, magic dies, relationship dies.. so on

Step 4: KEEP YOUR CHIN UP. YOURE DOING THE RIGHT THING. I respect the sinner that mans up to his mistakes WAY more than the man that cowers at them. remember, there are two types of people. sinners and liars.

Dont be a liar. We all know where liars go

(lawschool)

[needsomehelp]

As much as I have prayed that God would allow me to confess to the bishop only, I know that restitution must be made. Thoughts of putting off my confession keep coming back to my head because right now my wife is pleased with me and I am living in fear of not knowing what will come. I fear not only that she may not forgive me right away or at all, but the potential years of recovery that she will have to go through. I keep thinking and wondering if there would ever be a circumstance where I could confess to the bishop after years of me forsaking and trying my best to serve in the church where he (the bishop) would forgive me and tell me that it would be more damaging at this point to tell my wife.

Oh, how foolish and stupid I was to have brought these sins in my life in the first place. I have lived my life as an addict off and on for years. I don't know why I kept returning to those horrible sins. Every addict that I have spoken to in other forums has said that it is practically impossible for an addict to completely forsake these sins on their own. At this point I am not so sure. I mean I have promised myself in times past that I would stop and somehow I kept falling back into old habits. These are the behaviors of an addict. However, since forsaking my sins this time, I have felt the pain and horror that my wife would feel. I have contemplated her feelings and her trust in me and it has brought me to new levels of hell in my mind. The things that used to kind of trigger the temptations are vile and revolting to me now. I have never felt this way in the past. Before, when I tried to forsake my sins in the past, the temptations were still alluring and seemed desirable. Now, when temptations or triggers arise, I feel sick and disgusted that they even come up. For this reason I feel that I can actually do this. I feel that I can give these sins up for good. And lets say that I did. Lets say that I live my life following the commandments of God and trying to serve others to the best of my ability. Lets say that I die without ever committing a major sin but also without confessing to my wife or bishop (or perhaps just to the bishop and not my wife). In that scenario I would still not be saved, right? Even if I forsake my sins and I live my life according to the gospel, I would still not end up with my wife in the eternities, right? I am looking for any alternative than to confess to my wife an I am not sure if it is possible. Confessing to the bishop is simple but I am almost positive that he will tell me that in order to be fully pardoned that my wife will have to be told.

I feel like I either have to bring my wife to the knowledge of the damage that I have already caused, or I have to end up in a lower kingdom than my wife in the afterlife. I know in the grand scheme of things, telling my wife may not seem all that tough of a choice when faced with those two outcomes. But it is the hardest thing I could possibly imagine doing in my lifetime.

The reason I think that it will be so difficult for my wife to hear and recover from is because of the stories and articles that I have been reading about wifes of porn addicts and the disgust, shame, anger, humiliation, and loss of love and trust that they experience after hearing about what has been viewed by their husband. The more I have been studying the effects of pornography, the more I am viewing myself as a disgusting and vile person. The reason that pornography is so devastating and so easy to get hooked on is because it attacks who we are as people. We all have natural tendencies to be curious and interested in sex. It is part of who we are. And unfortunately, once you look at something mild, your mind will want to look at something worse and worse each time. The more I think about it and see what has happened to me, the more disgusting and worthless I feel. I have spend two solid months researching, talking to people in forums, and finding ways to help myself stop for good. But I am afraid that simply stopping and trying to live righteously is not enough. For my wife to know that during my life I have fallen into this cesspool of filth multiple times will change the way that she views me as a person, not just a husband. We have had conversations about living our lives with fidelity and not cheating on each other. I have told her that I have no intention of cheating on her. To her, this would probably be considered cheating. It was compulsive behavior that had formed a pattern over time. And let's say that I do end up forsaking these sins for several years and then I confess. It would be difficult to play the "I did it because I was an addict" card. There really is not excuse. That is the sad part. These were behaviors that I fell into in my youth and I tried to quit multiple times over the years. But now, I have a deep and strong devotion to my wife. I feel that she is everything to me. I could not imagine after the hell that I have been going through that I would be able to allow my mind to wonder back into the sins that I have given up. That is what is making this decision to confess so impossible to make. And I apologize for being such a sob story. I am trying to build up the strength and the faith to tell her. It is just so hard.

Edited August 14, 2012 by needsomehelp

[Windseeker]

This anxiety your feeling can't be helping your marriage either. Those who have encouraged you to tell your wife all acknowledge how devastating this will be to her and that it's likely to negatively impact your relationship.

The advice I got from my Bishop was - it's up to me to tell my wife, man-up and fight it and get your rear-end into the temple as often as possible.

I'm not sure where everyone is coming from that Bishops automatically tell the wife everything. I have never ever in my life seen this. My daughter went to the Bishop for some issues and when we talked to her after, she told us the Bishop told her not to discuss it and that it was confidential. I love our Bishop and I'm sure if I asked him he would tell us what he thinks we should know as parents but I'm sure there were allot of things that were confidential which is fine.

The Bishop will have to follow the spirit and I'm sure if the Bishop felt it would destroy your marriage he would not insist you tell your wife. Confession is not for your wife or your Bishop, it's for you. It's to lift the burden not create a burden.

My own feelings (based on my experience and feelings but not direct inspiration since I'm not your Bishop and I'm not God) is that if you choose not to tell your wife or Bishop, forsake your sins, work them out with your Father in Heaven and lay hold on the iron rod, you will find yourself in the Celestial Kingdom with your Wife. Perhaps in the next life you will realize you carried an unnecessary burden, one that could have been taken away had you confessed to a Bishop. Maybe your wife in the next life will thank you for caring enough to overcome your weakness and not laying this on her at a time when she may not have been able to handle it.

Like you I have struggled off and on. Looking back I regret sharing this with my wife. I don't think she had the understanding or maturity to handle it. I know that it ate away at her like a cancer until she justified far worse sins. Even after forgiving her over and over for multiple affairs she eventually left me and our 4 kids. I will always feel like I planted the seed that ended up destroying our marriage, but I ended up with a testimony and understanding of the importance of forgiveness that is priceless.

Whatever you decide know that your Heavenly Father loves you, hold your wife and children close and do what you need to do for them.

[needsomehelp]

Your story sounds tragic. I cannot imagine my wife sinning because of my sins but that was probably the case with you as well. Who imagines that their spouse is going to fall off the deep end? If my bishop told me that I didn't have to tell my wife in order to be forgiven, then I would feel like the most blessed man alive. I also think that if my wife was told that our marriage would be forever changed (perhaps for worse but some have said otherwise). I know that I am experiencing anxiety and that can't be good for our relationship. But I have found, ironically, that it is the times that she is away that I let my emotions out, and I pray, and I feel like total garbage. When she comes home at night, I am just so thankful to have her that my emotions increase to a happier state and all I want to do is be close to her and listen to her. It is hard to sleep at night and I am not sure if it due to withdrawal or due to the fact that I am thinking about scenarios of telling her. I used to sleep like a brick. The trouble with me is that I think and think and think out ever possible outcome for everything and it is very difficult to act until I have thought out every possibility. I wish that I could just bring this to God and let him take away this burden, as though I had committed a less serious sin. My life with my wife is just starting to bloom into a wonderful experience and it's as though I am going to chop it at the root and it will have to regrow from scratch.

Most of you have been very helpful and I appreciate that. I know that I seem to be going around and around in circles with this issue. It has helped me keep my sanity to talk to you about these issues, even if I don't know who you are. I suppose that I will not know what will be required of me until I actually talk to my bishop. I guess that there is a chance that he will tell me to keep it to myself but I have a feeling that this will not be the case. I am so ashamed that I have brought this past with me into our marriage and that my wife had no idea what she was getting herself into. Of course, I'm sure that my wife will still love me after confession. I'm just not so sure that she will want to be as affectionate or as conversational as she was before. I cannot chose the consequences of my actions, but I am surely delaying them. It is easy to convince yourself that it will be easier to repent later down the road. I have repented, to God, several times. In fact, every day I am on my knees and asking God to forgive my past and to make the temptations bearable and to help me to block out the past images that I have placed in my memory. Somehow I have a vision of confessing years from now and that so much time has passed that the bishop will forgive and tell me that it is up to me whether I feel that my wife should know or not. Either way, I am forgiven. That might be just a fantasy that I came up with to escape the truth. Also, if I delay in repenting, it may be more destructive that I have lived with this secret for so long, and I could die somehow in between now and then. So, I will just have to keep praying and asking God to help me to have the courage and the spirit to endure this awful truth.

Edited August 14, 2012 by needsomehelp

[tumbledquartz]

?God Hath Not Given Us the Spirit of Fear? - Ensign Oct. 1984 - ensign This is a link to a talk by President Hinckley. I really think you should read it.

The fear you are feeling comes from Satan. He knows that talking to your bishop will lift a burden from your shoulders and allow you to feel God's love.

You keep talking about the bishop forgiving you, but the bishop doesn't forgive or not forgive. He is only a mouthpiece for the Lord. The amount of fear you describe is almost a guarantee that your bishop is going to be kind and reassuring and that you are going to feel God's love after you confess. Otherwise, why would satan be trying so hard to stop you from doing it?

It sounds like you are experiencing that change of heart that is necessary for true repentance. Confession is also necessary - like a previous poster said, confession is for YOU. D&C 58:43 says that you have to forsake your sins AND confess them. I don't think that necessarily means you have to confess to your wife, though it might. But you do need to confess to the bishop. And with the vast number of church members who struggle with this issue today, he will undoubtedly have a lot of experience, first of all.

Good luck with everything.

Edited August 14, 2012 by tumbledquartz
Clarifying

[needsomehelp]

Thank you tumbledquartz. I read that talk and it was exactly what I needed to hear. Fear is the only thing that is keeping me from confessing. Fear of losing even a portion of my wife. I do not fear talking to the bishop. In fact, I think that it will bring me a great deal of peace. The only thing that I fear is the pain and heartbreak that I have already brought upon my wife. That is all that I fear. I understand that it is only God that can grant us forgiveness and that the bishop does not forgive. But the bishop can receive inspiration as to what steps will be necessary to receive forgiveness. That is all I meant by confessing to the bishop and receiving forgiveness.

I actually confessed to these sins years ago. I feared then because I had never gone to the bishop about any sin in the past. He was very understanding and very compassionate toward me. I knew that he wanted to help me in any way that he could. So, going to the bishop will actually give me some relief. Unfortunately, I fell back into past sins. Back then, when I first confessed, I was a young college student. I had no relationship that I was destroying. I had my family and friends but no wife. Now, besides the atonement, my wife is all I think about every day. I am trying to make up what I have done before she even knows.

I know I need to talk to the bishop. I know that he will be inspired to give me the counsel that I need in order to cleanse myself of my past transgressions. I will still fear that my wife will have to go through a broken heart and a loss of trust. But perhaps that can be avoided if I receive forgiveness without disciplinary action and instruction to choose whether or not to confess to my wife. Thank you again.

[SeekingHope77]

Oh needsomehelp, i completely understand. My hubby and i were virgins when we got married, kind of sexually shy actually. My hubby never even had any sexual transgressions before our marriage, he was a great kid! I had some petting issues as a teen so i felt like the bad seed in our marriage. About 6 or 7 years ago i caught him looking at porn on the computer. I was in complete shock!!! Who was this guy? Certainly not the man i married!! I was devastated! He immediately saw the bishop and i supported his efforts at repentance. I was extremely hurt for a while but never considered ending our marriage! This is a very common issue. I was aware of that and i think it helped me feel some compassion. I feel like i dealt with it well. Years later, i know it happened but the pain is completely gone and has been for years. I'm a very compassionate person though. If i were you, i would immediately confess to my bishop and seek his counsel. I don't believe your wife needs to know. It will hurt her and change her opinion of you. I know she can forgive you in time. But if your bishop thinks its okay, i would choose to not tell her. I know that through the help of the Lord and support from your bishop you can rid yourself completely of this sin. That is what is most important. I honestly don't think she needs to know and I'm not sure that clearing your conscience to her is necessary. Confessing to your bishop should be sufficient. He may feel differently though. Start reading the Miracle of Forgiveness, it is an excellent source of inspiration in situations like this. My husbands past transgressions are gone, in the Lords mind and mine. I'm the transgressor now.....(see my post about my affair.)

[Finrock]

Hi needsomehelp! I hope you are doing reasonably well today. :)

I hope you know that those thoughts that you have about you being worthless, etc. are not true and they are not from God. We should feel sorrow for our sins but self-loathing will only lead to more sin. Trust me on this.

Sometimes people struggle with depression, anxiety, or self-esteem issues. And, unfortunately, sometimes these people learn to deal with those feelings by looking at pornography. I don't know your history but it might be worth your while to consider that perhaps pornography for you isn't the problem, per se, but perhaps it is a symptom of some underlying issues you are dealing with. It can be helpful understanding exactly where our conduct stems from.

Look, viewing pornography is very bad; no doubt. It is harmful to everyone. However, it doesn't have to define who you are as a person. You have a weakness. All of us have weaknesses that we must overcome. But, I would guess that you probably strive in every other way to do what is right. If that is the case, your heart desires righteousness and that is a good and wonderful quality. You just need to overcome this weakness. You can't do it alone. Even though your wife will probably be hurt, if you approach her with a broken heart and with humility, she will almost certainly admire your strength to make things right. You also know that these types of sins require you to confess to your bishop. Another danger in keeping things from your wife is that it can become easier to fall again. The devil loves for us to work in secret so that we can act under the delusion that somehow if noone knows then the sin isn't as bad.

Remember:

"And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things" (Moroni 7:45).

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love" (1 John 4:18).

Regards,

Finrock

[Misshalfway]

Hi Needsomehelp.

I've been through some of what you describe in my own life. So I come to this subject with some hard fought experience.

I have a question. If the situation were reversed, how would you want your wife to proceed? Would you want her to tell you the truth?

And when would you prefer to find out the truth about her sexual life? Would you want to wake up one day after 25 yrs of marriage only to learn that for the first 15 she engaged in online sexual experiencing with other men? What would you feel on that late day if she said she was too scared to tell you? Would you feel betrayed? Wonder why she couldn't trust you? Would her secret repentance mean anything to you? Would it be enough to calm your confusion as you try to piece together what is real about your relationship?

I can only speak for myself but as a wife, I want to deal in truth....whatever it is. Trust can only be built on such. I want more from my husband than lies and "protections"... even if he did go to the bishop one day. Those kind of protections aren't about keeping ME safe anyway. Let's tell the truth about who they protect, shall we?

If I were your wife, learning about your activities would be painful, no doubt. But I'd be more hurt by the way you covered it up. That would be the thing that would really cut me.

There is no way around life's problems. Only through, my friend. Only through.

Don't make the mistake of thinking you can avoid discomfort. Isn't that the lie of pornography anyway? Quick fixes? Trust me that the pain you create from avoidance will be far more exquisit than the pain at telling the truth. Tell the truth! Don't get your own healing while postponing it for your wife.

[needsomehelp]

You made some good points, Misshalfway. If I were married for 25 years and found out that she had been sexually acting out with the computer for many years, that would freak me out and it would probably hurt more than finding out sooner. I have only been married for 2 years and my sins happened over some months, so it is hard to imagine the other scenario. If I forsake my sins from two months ago (when I stopped and repented to God) and confessed to the bishop sometime soon, and the bishop told me that it was up to me on whether I should tell my wife or not, that would be a very difficult choice. It would depend on whether I regained the spirit and felt assurance that I had been forgiven. I do not know if I will sin (in that way) again in the future but I am assuming that I will not.

If my wife and I reversed rolls right now and she went to the bishop and the bishop told her that it was up to her whether she told me or not but that she had received forgiveness from God, and she decided to keep it to herself, I'm not sure if I would be hurt by that or not. If it meant that I could live my life in ignorant bliss and I end up living with my wife in the next life, then I suppose in the grand scheme of things I would not mind. I know that my point of view is tainted, since I obviously do not want her to go through the pain and suffering that I have caused. All of this is based on a "what if: scenario anyway. The bishop will most likely tell me that I need to tell her and work it out with her so that she is restored if I am to receive forgiveness anyway. I doubt that the bishop will tell me that I do not need to tell her or that it is up to me. When I confess to the bishop, at that point I will keep nothing from him and I will do whatever he is inspired to instruct me to do. I do not want to go to the bishop with half truths and half confessions because then I will just have to go back later in order to receive full forgiveness.

I can assure you that if my wife had kept sexual sins that she repeated over the years and told my years and years later that I would be beyond hurt. It would shake the very foundation of our marriage for a long time and I would be more than heart broken. I think that my situation is slightly different because I am not planning to keep it from her for years, nor am I going to continue to sin for years to come (that's the plan anyway). But if I received the promise of forgiveness from the bishop without the need to tell my wife and we ended up together in the Celestial Kingdom, I think that she would be happy on Earth as well as Heaven.

These are all hypothetical scenarios. I will tell the bishop and I will follow his counsel on what I should do to make restitution for myself and for my wife. I am not a bishop, nor have I had inspiration on what should be done in cases like mine. I'm not even sure if there is ever a case where a husband does what I have done and is instructed to either not tell his wife or that it is up to the husband. I would imagine that in most, if not all, cases, that the bishop instructs the husband to tell his wife and seek forgiveness from her.

[needsomehelp]

Does it ever even happen that a bishop will instruct you not to tell your spouse or that it is up to you? I obviously have no experience with this but I am not even sure. According to Lemonherb's post, it does happen. When I created this thread, I assumed that I would have to tell her but has anyone heard of times where the bishop feels that it is best to forsake your sins and to keep the destructive information from your spouse? It probably sounds, at this point, like I am grasping at straws. I was just curious. And what is the harm in asking? Once I tell the bishop, I have resolved to do what ever he feels would restore my soul as well as my wife's (including telling her the truth). I just wanted to know. Thank you.

[Misshalfway]

If you took my car for a joyride and ended up in a wreck, how would you handle the confession? Tell your bishop and try to make things right with God? That's great! But how exactly would that make things right with me? I guess I'd have to wait until you felt the spirit or something.

How is the promised fidelity between you and your wife any different than my car?

I do not know if I will sin (in that way) again in the future but I am assuming that I will not.

Ahhhhhh. If I had a dollar......:)

Ah sweetie. I've seen this before. I don't know you. And maybe you are that one special exception, but I'll tell you...... your posts sound a lot like addiction cycle. You act out. You feel the high. It lasts for like 5.3 seconds. And then that awful backlash of shame and self loathing hits you like a mac truck! You panic. You hide. You promise you'll never do it again. You act perfect. Serve your wife like crazy. You'll make it like it never happened. Right? And then some how... some way (that is completely beyond you), you end up acting out again. And you say that's been happening for a lot of years now, too. But it'll never happen again. Right? Because....because why exactly?

Also.....

How do you plan on protecting your wife if it does happen again? More cover ups? More quick runs to the bishop?

What is your contingency plan if she finds out by accident?

And what if she already has an inkling? I mean, what if the spirit has been warning her?

I've been on the other side of years of this cycle. And I can testify it does NOT bear good fruit! The only way out is to break the cycle. The cycle of hiding, silence, and lies. Like that lie that you tell about being able to fix it without telling others. There is lot's of ways to break it like therapy, groups, self help, and bishops too. I just see such a great person who has such a promising young marriage. And I'd hate to see you make the same painful choices as so many before you. You don't want it. Trust me. You really really don't want it. And right before you lies your best opportunity to do things different. If you have the courage.....

[needsomehelp]

I have seen this cycle happen over and over again. It is so hard to admit that it could have happened to me. It has happened so many times in the past and I guess I have insanity because I think that "this time" it will be different. I am sorry if you were on the receiving end of what I am going through. You probably have a totally different perspective than I do. I wish for so many things but it really has to start with a change made by me. If I try the same things I have tried so many times in the past, then it will probably just relapse down the road. It is so devastating to me that this is what my life has become. I want so badly to just be a good and honest Latter Day Saint. I have such sorrow that I have become one who rationalizes and who tries so hard over and over only to fall again. It doesn't make sense to me that I have fallen this many times. But I think you are right. A real change needs to take place and that change must start with confession.

Thank you Misshalfway.