Done with this.

[megara]

I feel angry at God for a system that lets at 18 year old choose an eternal companion. Done. with. this. I cry for my children, but I dream of no more of the same.

[Dravin]

I feel angry at God for a system that lets at 18 year old choose an eternal companion.

So you're angry with the concept of agency?

[selek]

So you're angry with the concept of agency?

No- only of making decisions she doesn't agree with.

[pam]

I feel angry at God for a system that lets at 18 year old choose an eternal companion. Done. with. this. I cry for my children, but I dream of no more of the same.

Why angry at God? Why not angry at the system that you states lets 18 year olds choose eternal companions?

[Wingnut]

Why not angry at the 18-year-old for making an apparently stupid decision? Why not angry at the chosen eternal companion for engaging the affections of an 18-year-old?

It's not God's fault.

[Guest]

You sound like you're in a painful place right now. I'm sorry you're having difficulty.

People used to get married younger than 18. Our cultural norm is now 18 or over. I think it's more about maturity than age, and I agree that some 18-year-olds don't have the understanding to make such a decision. Nor do some 21-year-olds, some 25-year-olds, or based on evidence, some 40-year-olds. The unfortunate thing is that while we have the gift of agency, in marriage we're kind of relying on someone else to use theirs wisely. It sounds like you're disappointed in the choices your spouse has made since you were 18. If those choices point toward abuse, addiction, or adultery, consider that you are not "stuck" and if it's too much to work out, you don't have to live with that pain forever. If it's something besides those things, I believe the two of you can have the marriage that you want if you're both willing to work at it. Good luck.

[NeuroTypical]

Hi Megara,

Not sure what you're looking for from lds.net. You didn't ask a question, and you didn't really give us enough information to make much by way of a meaningful response.

My best guess is that you're mom, and you are hurting because your daughter chose to be sealed to someone and went away?

[applepansy]

I feel angry at God for a system that lets at 18 year old choose an eternal companion. Done. with. this. I cry for my children, but I dream of no more of the same.

Let the anger run its course. Then... cry. After all that I hope you get a a place where you realize that you have your agency and the 18yo you speak of has his/hers.

I too cry for my children and their choices BUT the choices are their's to make and I'm WRONG if I try to take their agency away either through physical force or through intimidation or emotional blackmail or emotional withdrawal.

I cry for my children often. Right now none of my three living children is active in the church. I would be very happy if they had been sealed at age 18. Especially the 31 yo, with a 23 yo live-in girl friend. He served 6 months of a mission then came home. That opened the door to temptation from Satan. He's taken off his garments. He drinks. And recently he and his girlfriend deliberately got pregnant out of wedlock. (She was 3-1/2 months when the baby died.) They are now thinking maybe they should get married before they try again. My private response "Ya think!"

If you want to know more about my children there are a lot of posts about my children here at lds.net. But I'd be happy to tell you about the things that are worse than being sealed at age 18.

As LM, said, you didn't give up much to go on. I hope you come back and explain more. There is a lot of experience here. Often somebody will post something helpful.

I wish you the best and that you can come to the realization that God isn't the problem. He wants us all to be happy.

[megara]

yeah, of course I know it's about agency. And yeah, I do mean angry at the system that lets an immature 18 year old make a decision with eternal consequences. I"m talking about myself, not a daughter. Because now I do feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm probably too angry to be on a forum. The counselor at LDS Family services told me to read the Little Engine that Could. Seriously - that was my assignment. Okay. So yeah, find another counselor obviously. Anyway, we've been married 25 years, 6 kids - 4 left at home, not fair to them, I know. But I'm to the point where I just feel like sorry everyone but I'm not gonna be a martyr and that's what it would take to keep this going. I threatened my husband before so he finally went to a session of marriage counseling (not with the engine guy) and then said that was stupid and he won't go back. So today I told him we are separating for a while and he said I"m being assinine and ridiculous and out of touch with reality. I know I can't get him to move out so I'm looking for my own apt. And tomorrow I'm taking money out of the bank and hiding it. I feel like to heck with eternal stuff - I just don't care anymore. I don't have a question. I can't even think of one. I guess I just wanted someone to talk to about stuff. And yes, I've talked to my bishop. My husband assures him I'm just overreacting and depressed and that everything is just fine.

[FunkyTown]

yeah, of course I know it's about agency. And yeah, I do mean angry at the system that lets an immature 18 year old make a decision with eternal consequences. I"m talking about myself, not a daughter. Because now I do feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm probably too angry to be on a forum. The counselor at LDS Family services told me to read the Little Engine that Could. Seriously - that was my assignment. Okay. So yeah, find another counselor obviously. Anyway, we've been married 25 years, 6 kids - 4 left at home, not fair to them, I know. But I'm to the point where I just feel like sorry everyone but I'm not gonna be a martyr and that's what it would take to keep this going. I threatened my husband before so he finally went to a session of marriage counseling (not with the engine guy) and then said that was stupid and he won't go back. So today I told him we are separating for a while and he said I"m being assinine and ridiculous and out of touch with reality. I know I can't get him to move out so I'm looking for my own apt. And tomorrow I'm taking money out of the bank and hiding it. I feel like to heck with eternal stuff - I just don't care anymore. I don't have a question. I can't even think of one. I guess I just wanted someone to talk to about stuff. And yes, I've talked to my bishop. My husband assures him I'm just overreacting and depressed and that everything is just fine.

Something something something, pulling up by your bootstraps, etc. etc.

You're going to get a lot of advice. It's not going to mean much. Maybe you are depressed because you feel like life has passed you by and you spent the greatest portion of your free years married and with kids. Now, you're in your mid-40s and everything is a burden. You long to break out of what feels like chains. You feel stifled and strangled by responsibilities. You don't know how other people do it and, frankly, you don't care. Not any more. Not when you've spent two and a half decades striving to do what other people told you you should.

Is that about right?

[Dravin]

No- only of making decisions she doesn't agree with.

I'm suspecting your sentiment is right. It seems less about some principled stand against the evils of agency and more, "I'm mad at you for my decisions."

[Backroads]

I'm sorry you're in pain, but it does sound like you are trying to pass off a decision you made as a young woman off on everyone else. You'll need ownership to heal.

[NeuroTypical]

6 kids - 4 left at home, not fair to them, I know.

Indeed. Your actions here, will show them what sort of behavior is appropriate and inappropriate when they find themselves unhappy in a marriage.

All marriages have bouts of unhappiness. Choose wisely.

Sorry your life sucks. How you react to this fact will impact your kids, and your grandchildren yet unborn. For their sakes, choose wisely.

[applepansy]

I'm sorry you're struggling. My 40s weren't the happiest. At one point I gave my husband a way out of our marriage. Fortunately he didn't take it and now we're in our 50s and its another crisis and another test and another time to choose which direction for both of us (which does not include a separation or divorce...I'm talking personal decisions. I can't save him and he can't save me. There are somethings in life we have to do alone but with the Lord.)

We were married when I was 18 and he was 19, we were sealed a year later. That was by far the WORST year of my life. If something had happened to my husband before we were sealed church policy was/is that I couldn't be sealed to him. The counsel was find another husband and have a family. I would have been alone.

Fast forward 35 years. Does my husband act like a jerk sometimes? YUP! Do I over react sometimes? YUP! Does my over reaction have a valid reason sometimes? YUP! and YUP!

BUT... I didn't just marry my husband. I wasn't just sealed to my husband. I didn't covenant with my husband to be his wife. And this is important: I covenanted with the LORD to be this man's wife.

You were sealed at age 18. You exercised your agency. It doesn't matter what your maturity level was at the time. You made a promise. Unless your husband is abusive is any way this is your's to fix. If your husband is abusive then my advice is get out keeping in mind that you have children who will be forever affected by your choices and you will be held accountable for that if it wasn't the right thing to do.

No judgement, just truth.

My heart is breaking for you. Its hard to be hurting and angry and fell like nobody is listening. There is one person who will always be there and will always listen....Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior. So get on your knees and stay there until you feel better. Get yourself to the temple and stay there until you feel better. Get your name, your husband's name and your children's names on a temple prayer roll and keep them there until you feel better.

Do not make a decision while you're angry!

[mnn727]

Since we don't know what is causing you the pain we can't really offer advice. So I will just offer my prayers for you and your family.

[Backroads]

I thought about this thread on the drive to work.

Yes, I think plenty of 18-year-olds happily get married & sealed without a thought about what they are committing themselves to. This may lead to plenty of regret later on in life.

But should we change the system as to baby young adults for about 5-10 years? I believe that would be a terrible and harmful choice. Even in youth you are expected to learn, to think, to understand the consequences of choices, and yes, to learn to work through hard times.

[mrmarklin]

Sorry it took you 25 or so years to grow up.

Many of us make life decisions far too young.

I hope you are not the victim of abuse or other similar trauma.

In my own case I make some similar stupid decisions, but have been able to over come without unduly disrupting the lives of others or my self for that matter. I hope your children will be OK.

[mrmarklin]

I thought about this thread on the drive to work.

Yes, I think plenty of 18-year-olds happily get married & sealed without a thought about what they are committing themselves to. This may lead to plenty of regret later on in life.

But should we change the system as to baby young adults for about 5-10 years? I believe that would be a terrible and harmful choice. Even in youth you are expected to learn, to think, to understand the consequences of choices, and yes, to learn to work through hard times.

I know several people from Asian cultures who had arranged marraiges. So far they seem above average happy.:)

Maybe we should change the system.

[MorningStar]

The Little Engine that Could?! No, Green Eggs and Ham is the key to marital happiness.

I'm sorry to hear you regret such a big decision in your life. Prayers for you.

[applepansy]

I know several people from Asian cultures who had arranged marraiges. So far they seem above average happy.:)

Maybe we should change the system.

Arranged marriages aren't just about parents picking the spouse. The culture values marriage in a way we've lost here in the USA. Not everyone but a big enough part of our society that those outside America think that all Americans don't value marriage.

[classylady]

yeah, of course I know it's about agency. And yeah, I do mean angry at the system that lets an immature 18 year old make a decision with eternal consequences. I"m talking about myself, not a daughter. Because now I do feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'm probably too angry to be on a forum. The counselor at LDS Family services told me to read the Little Engine that Could. Seriously - that was my assignment. Okay. So yeah, find another counselor obviously. Anyway, we've been married 25 years, 6 kids - 4 left at home, not fair to them, I know. But I'm to the point where I just feel like sorry everyone but I'm not gonna be a martyr and that's what it would take to keep this going. I threatened my husband before so he finally went to a session of marriage counseling (not with the engine guy) and then said that was stupid and he won't go back. So today I told him we are separating for a while and he said I"m being assinine and ridiculous and out of touch with reality. I know I can't get him to move out so I'm looking for my own apt. And tomorrow I'm taking money out of the bank and hiding it. I feel like to heck with eternal stuff - I just don't care anymore. I don't have a question. I can't even think of one. I guess I just wanted someone to talk to about stuff. And yes, I've talked to my bishop. My husband assures him I'm just overreacting and depressed and that everything is just fine.

Maybe your marriage is too far gone for this to help, but the books "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, and "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. have really helped my husband and me. It sounds like your needs have not been met. In my marriage, it's fairly easy to meet my husband's needs. It's him meeting my needs that seems to be the problem.

Just keep in mind that a divorce does not solve all problems. You'll be swapping one set of problems for another set. Even if you divorce, with children involved, the father of your children will always be a part of your life.

I hope things will get better for you. I'm sure you've already been praying for answers. Sending you hugs.

[Leah]

You haven't said what you feel is wrong with your marriage, just that you want out and that you feel that you're a "martyr".

Just what is it that is so awful about your marriage that you want to leave it and your family behind?

[Guest]

You haven't said what you feel is wrong with your marriage, just that you want out and that you feel that you're a "martyr".

Just what is it that is so awful about your marriage that you want to leave it and your family behind?

And don't forget - compromising the future of at least 4 children.