Trouble in the first few months of marriage!

[SanctitasDeo]

I agree that work is an appropriate word to use. That does not mean it cannot be fun. It can be hard; it can be easy. But I have seen a lot of people call it work. The only effortless marriage is the one in which both partners are still in the infatuation stage. (Or are perfect, I suppose).

[MorningStar]

This is bizarre that your crying bothered him so much. I could understand if you cried because he didn't let you have the top slice of bologna with the Oscar Meyer stamp on it, but I'm guessing you cried about more significant things.

Does he have an extremely hard time with criticism? When you cry, he might feel like a failure in some way. Sounds like he's not used to conflict. Prayers for you!

[prisonchaplain]

There is some really big piece of this puzzle that is missing. Heavenly Father, You know all mysteries, all secrets of the heart. I pray your very best for this couple. Woo your children back to yourself, and reconcile those you have bound and made one. In Jesus' name, amen.

[applepansy]

NurseB, I read through the thread. I don't have much to add but prayers for you both. I hope things can work out in a way that will help you both be happy.

[hardtoguess]

I'll give some male perspective, he's a dirtbag, I would kick him to the curb, you're better off. You're young and have a lot to offer, if this guy can't appreciate it he's an idiot.

Guys just do this some times, and they have one thing in common- being a dirtbag. He was having fun with it and then one day it wasn't fun anymore.

Does he have something on the side? Probably. Guys like this find the time.

You're too sweet a girl to waste yourself on this fella.

[bcguy]

Men do not respond to well to emotional woman I know, I am one of them. The thing that you need to do, is seek counseling. He is probably very tired when he gets home and the last thing he wants to do is to get in a argument. BTW, what are some of these typical arguments?

[Guest]

Men do not respond to well to emotional woman I know, I am one of them. The thing that you need to do, is seek counseling. He is probably very tired when he gets home and the last thing he wants to do is to get in a argument. BTW, what are some of these typical arguments?

Yeah, he's been working all day. He shouldn't have to talk about their marriage or any of her feelings.

What if she were to say she was very tired at the end of a long day, and the last thing she wants to do is have sex?

[MarginOfError]

Yeah, he's been working all day. He shouldn't have to talk about their marriage or any of her feelings.

What if she were to say she was very tired at the end of a long day, and the last thing she wants to do is have sex?

Oh, how you make me long for the 50's.

[Bini]

My initial gut is to agree with Eowyn's observation. My first husband was the general manager for a hotel franchise, worked long hours and traveled a lot, and yet he still managed to wing multiple affairs (majority of which were with women in town) during our marriage - and I was oblivious for the longest time.

I will add warm vibes and good thoughts your way. I hope resolution comes and brings you peace.

[skippy740]

Oh, how you make me long for the 50's.

Separate beds?

[MarginOfError]

Separate beds?

Now you're talking!

[Guest]

Now that you've received a number of good, very sensitive, very caring advice, I'll jump in with my 2 cents. My husband and I have a different way of dealing with stuff.

First... my husband - if I'm crying, my husband would just walk off and wait me out. When I stop crying then he comes back and we talk again. He will not get into emotional stuff with me until I'm calm. He doesn't do the "comfort" thing either. His idea of comfort is buying me a pair of shoes (I'm a sucker for shoes). It was quite an interesting thing to adjust to it - I knew this is how he deals with emotional displays before we got married, so I knew what to expect. Anyway, I learned to cry my heart out solo and when I'm done with that, I go on another round with my husband. We're both very passionate - which is a double-edged sword - passionate in love, passionate in fights too. Anyway, we duke it out until we either get so sick of fighting we just forget it and move on or we come to an agreement.

A few times early in our marriage (before kids), when my temper would rise up (I have anger management issues) - I would kick him out of the house. Never worked. He refused to go anywhere. I even tried to get his parents to come pick him up. My husband told them he's not going anywhere, so they didn't do anything. So, we're forced to settle the issue or fight daily. Of course, it never occurred to me to leave the house myself - I didn't want to be the one to leave. Hah! We both made a pact before we got married that divorce is not an option...

We've been married 15 years and they weren't all peachy years. But now that we're older, we can look back at how silly some of those end-of-the-world-squabbles we had were. So now, we don't sweat the small stuff. When we fight, it's about really major things, so it doesn't happen very often anymore. I mean, I used to go ballistic over the garbage not getting taken out on Friday pick-up. Now, meh, there's always next week.

I don't know if this would be any help at this stage of your situation. I agree that even if he doesn't go to counseling, you should go yourself.

Good luck and God bless.

Edited November 14, 2012 by anatess

[Backroads]

Men do not respond to well to emotional woman I know, I am one of them. The thing that you need to do, is seek counseling. He is probably very tired when he gets home and the last thing he wants to do is to get in a argument. BTW, what are some of these typical arguments?

Yeah, he's been working all day. He shouldn't have to talk about their marriage or any of her feelings.

What if she were to say she was very tired at the end of a long day, and the last thing she wants to do is have sex?

I think there is a happy medium possible here. Sometimes it seems the pendulum has swung a little too far from the aforementioned 50s that the modern woman forgets the modern man STILL comes home tired and may not be automatically ready to switch gears to "let's talk about our problems". Not an excuse to avoid talking about feelings and problems, but perhaps a few minutes should be given to him.

[Anddenex]

Is NurseB, still reading these?

[Guest]

I think there is a happy medium possible here. Sometimes it seems the pendulum has swung a little too far from the aforementioned 50s that the modern woman forgets the modern man STILL comes home tired and may not be automatically ready to switch gears to "let's talk about our problems". Not an excuse to avoid talking about feelings and problems, but perhaps a few minutes should be given to him.

I absolutely agree with that.

I think every marriage would do well to remember that you're supposed to be partners and companions working toward one another's happiness and well being, and not opponents, each fighting for their own interests.

[bcguy]

Maybe she is and not yet ready to respond or is away for a time period.

The thing is, men are all different to some level in how they respond to there wives. I respond by listening but it gets to the point, there is information overload..every day, like me.

Men by design like facts and then, decide the best course of action on how to decide what is best to solve the problem.

If you husband has a issue with not listening to you try goggling the key words "why does my husband not listen to me" Even Opera has a reply to this question.

I once read, that after a couple do get married, they see the real personalities of there partner. My wife was good at hiding them from everyone until our first year in marriage.