Bini Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 In my mind condition and request are two very different things. A condition is rigid with no leeway or flexibility. A request is just that, a preference but not an absolute deal breaker or deal maker. So for example, it is a CONDITION that house guests do not smoke inside my home, and it's a REQUEST (and a very strong preference) that house guests remove their shoes before entering my home - however - having OCD myself, I can understand how some people might have a hard time walking around barefoot.I had 4 absolute conditions when I was dating: Be at least 8 inches taller than me (I'm 5'0), NO kids, NO living at home with your mother, and NO TEMPER. I vowed that I would never get involved with a physically abusive man again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 I dated a guy who spent probably 85% of our dates (unless we were in a movie theater or rock climbing) talking to his best buddy on his cell phone. Seven months of dating and all I really learned about him was that he liked to watch movies, rock climb, and talk to his buddy on the cell phone. He seemed shell shocked when I wasn't ready to get married. So I guess that was a deal breaker. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 I dated a guy who spent probably 85% of our dates (unless we were in a movie theater or rock climbing) talking to his best buddy on his cell phone. Seven months of dating and all I really learned about him was that he liked to watch movies, rock climb, and talk to his buddy on the cell phone. He seemed shell shocked when I wasn't ready to get married. So I guess that was a deal breaker. LOLHow on Earth did he last seven months? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 I dated a guy who spent probably 85% of our dates (unless we were in a movie theater or rock climbing) talking to his best buddy on his cell phone. Seven months of dating and all I really learned about him was that he liked to watch movies, rock climb, and talk to his buddy on the cell phone. He seemed shell shocked when I wasn't ready to get married. So I guess that was a deal breaker. LOLWhy did this relationship last more than 2 dates at most? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 Follow-up question: have your dealbreakers evolved? Is there anything that you once considered a dealbreaker that you later decided wasn't as important to you (or was something that you could live with), either before or after you met your current spouse? What made you change your mind?Yes, I once believed that I had to be with someone who could sing well and play the piano. But, then I grew up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mnn727 Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 I dated a guy who spent probably 85% of our dates (unless we were in a movie theater or rock climbing) talking to his best buddy on his cell phone. \They didn't even have cell phones when I was dating. Matter of fact most home phones still had dials and were black and hung on the kitchen wall. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mnn727 Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 I used to like clam chowder when I was a kid, but not since 10 or so years old.That's really funny (since we both now hate fish) because as a kid I ate clam chowder too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 I dated a guy who was obsessed with sports. He left me alone in a restaurant with his friends I didn't know so he could go check the score of a Sonics game.That wouldn't bother me at all. In fact, I wish Dravin liked sports more. I am making him watch the Superbowl this Sunday and it's HIS birthday! I am so mean.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mnn727 Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 I am making him watch the Superbowl this Sunday and it's HIS birthday! I am so mean....Oh, is the Super Bowl this Sunday? -- which shows you how I feel about sports. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikbone Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 This is a spinoff of another thread, in which one poster indicated that, as a newlywed, he gave his wife a "condition" that she not prepare casseroles, and that they not purchase cream of mushroom soup. A few other people commented that laying it out as a condition of marriage was probably inappropriate.It got me thinking. Most people had a "list" of some kind when they were single -- qualities and attributes they sought in a spouse (sense of humor, testimony, education, etc.). Many people may have had a complementary list of things they considered dealbreakers (porn addiction, non-LDS, Yankees fan, etc.)What is the difference between a dealbreaker and a condition? Why is one okay, but another isn't? What about requests? (Perhaps the anti-casserole-ite in the other thread said condition, but meant request.)Did you have any dealbreakers? Conditions? Requests? How have you dealt with them in your marriage?Guess I gotta comment, cuz I am the poster of the 'other thread'. And I'm gonna one up you.I don't believe in unconditional love. I chose to marry my wife in the temple because I dated her and I knew what I was getting. I knew that she was a hard working upstanding LDS elect lady who wanted to be a stay at home mom and raise up our children in righteousness. If she were to start smoking, drinking, and sleeping around, we would have to get a divorce. Sometimes I slip up and am not at my best and she whips me into shape. At times when she is having difficulty, I do what I can to help her get her mind straight and gut it out. We don't accept our faults blindly. We try to fix the things that are wrong. But accept the things we can't change. The Lord is not going to let the meth addict thief into the celestial kingdom. Why not? Because there are regulations that we have to meet if we are to be judged eligible to inherit eternal life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tough Grits Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 I vowed that I would never get involved with a physically abusive man again. Good for you! It saddens me to see how many precious daughters of God think that being in an abusive relationship is better than being alone.house guests do not smoke inside my home Agreed! I would rather have a guest use a bad word than leave the foul stench of cigarette smoke in my home...not to mention the health hazard to me and my family. Even though my son is SO sensitive to bad words, that he won't even read the word in the scriptures that is used for a donkey. Seriously. It cracks the rest of us up. He covers his ears when somebody else reads that word. [...]and it's a REQUEST (and a very strong preference) that house guests remove their shoes before entering my home - however - having OCD myself, I can understand how some people might have a hard time walking around barefoot. Okay, totally disagree. First--I HATE taking my shoes off in other people's homes. I am not a refined lady. I walk around--inside and outside--barefoot all the time. My feet are rough and ugly. Taking my shoes off in other people's homes is embarrassing for me. I also have NO desire to see anybody else's feet. Seriously. Crazy toes and yellow toe nails...Freak. Me. Out. I'll leave mine on, and you leave yours on, and nobody will get hurt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 I don't particularly like feet but removing shoes is also customary in Asia. And I'm Filipino and grew up in the Philippines :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tough Grits Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 I don't particularly like feet but removing shoes is also customary in Asia. And I'm Filipino and grew up in the Philippines :) My mother would fit in perfect then. She has a shoe rule in her home. When we have lots of family over, the pile of shoes by the door gets fairly large. The sad part: I have left her home several times WITHOUT my shoes!!Yep, walked right out the door, down the steps, and into my car WITH NO SHOES. I told you that I was not a refined lady!!! LOL ~TG Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ADoyle90815 Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 For me, dealbreakers are abuse, smoking, and trying to push their religious beliefs on me or pressuring me to formally join their church. I do the same thing in return when it comes to religion, I don't push my beliefs or expect someone to join my church. As far as casseroles go, there are other condensed soups that don't have mushrooms that can be used, and they turn out just as good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 How on Earth did he last seven months?He kept asking me out, I kept saying yes. He seemed to be such a nice guy but very uncomfortable with girls. I guess I was just hoping that at some point he'd get comfortable. He never did.He also only held my hands once. When the lights were down at a performance. As soon as they'd come back up, he'd let go. That was the night he basically asked me if we were heading toward marriage. He never so much as tried to kiss me on the cheek. Poor guy. He did end up married and has a very cute family, so I guess he either found the right girl or got over it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 That wouldn't bother me at all. In fact, I wish Dravin liked sports more. I am making him watch the Superbowl this Sunday and it's HIS birthday! I am so mean.... Haha!!! Yeah, this guy knew I wasn't happy about it and his friends wanted him to break up with me because I'm Mormon, so I really didn't need to be alone at the table with the three of them. Awkward! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 The Lord is not going to let the meth addict thief into the celestial kingdom.Question - if you happen to make it there, and you see one, what will you do? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mikbone Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 Question - if you happen to make it there, and you see one, what will you do?Say howdy?Can an unrepentant thief and addict make it to the celestial kingdom? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dahlia Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 Did you have any dealbreakers? Conditions? Requests? How have you dealt with them in your marriage?My stepfather was a formal kind of guy, I knew I wanted a guy who was relaxed and had a sense of humor. I wanted 'Rob Petrie' from the **** van Dyke show.Over time, I admit that I got tired of everything being a joke. He also would try to cover nasty comments by saying he was 'just joking.'On a positive note, and you guys will be surprised by this, even though we were hippie dippies and I was into 'feminism lite,' our marriage evolved into something pretty traditional. He had his jobs, I had mine and I was OK with that. Part of his job, as he saw it, was to spend a lot of time with our son, since it was his job as a father to show him what it meant to be a guy. My stepfather never understood why my husband would want to spend time with a child (which included taking jobs that didn't require a big time commitment or a lot of travel) and always thought less of him because of that.He also thought I should learn to make cheese like his Finnish grandmother did in the UP. That wasn't going to happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Backroads Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 I believe any and all dealbreakers should be brought up prior to marriage. I was looking for the same things while dating as beefche, namely, LDS and willing to aspire to something more than playing video games in the basement (ironically, we live in a basement apartment and my husband likes to play video games...) Early on in our marriage, Husband announced that drug/alcohol addiction and leaving the church on my part would be cause for him to leave the marriage. Now, I have no intention of leaving the Church or become addicted to bad things, but looking back I think those are things I should have been made aware of before the marriage. For conditions, I work with a woman who told her husband during their engagement she expected pizza every week. They've been married about 25 years... and there has been pizza at least weekly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 (edited) I believe any and all dealbreakers should be brought up prior to marriage.I don't believe that. Mainly because some people may not realize that something is a dealbreaker until they have to either deal with it or realize that it exists.I do agree that if you even think something is a deal breaker, then that should be discussed. I am a huge proponent of discussion of issues before they become an issue. But I also recognize that sometimes we just don't realize something could be a deal breaker until we begin to experience it. That isn't to say that as soon as something comes up, we cry "deal breaker!" But, that sometimes, we think we can handle something and we just can't.DRAVIN??? Did you see this? We gotta talk about your sports indifference..... Edited January 30, 2013 by beefche Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 And I forgot to add this one other condition.. NO CHEATING. If I catch you with your pants down, or in any sense of the form, I'm gone. I'm not willing to waste years on hopeful and wishful thinking for change as I did with my last marriage. And now that I have a child, she's what is important, and I don't believe forcing an innocent child to stick it out in a dysfunctional marriage is morally or ethically right. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 DRAVIN??? Did you see this? We gotta talk about your sports indifference.....I'll make you a deal. I'll watch sports at a 1:1 ratio with time you let me teach you calculus. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted January 30, 2013 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 I'll make you a deal. I'll watch sports at a 1:1 ratio with time you let me teach you calculus.Sounds like it was a good year and a half for you guys. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted January 30, 2013 Report Share Posted January 30, 2013 The Lord is not going to let the meth addict thief into the celestial kingdom.Question - if you happen to make it there, and you see one, what will you do?Say howdy?Can an unrepentant thief and addict make it to the celestial kingdom?I see you've added the qualifier 'unrepentant'. Now I think we're on the same page. Because we both know that repentance is a precondition. "Not ever being a meth addict or thief", however, is not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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