As a husband to a member I am...

[Truther]

As a husband to a member I am very uncomfortable with men from the church that have my wife's cell phone number and always call her to see if she "needs" anything. Or if there is something they can "do" for her.

IS this normal. I think it is because it happens everywhere we live..... They are usually older men. Do Mormons think that non Mormon husbands are incapable of taking care of their Mormon wives needs?

[pam]

Not at all. It is part of their Priesthood responsibilities and usually are done by those assigned as her home teachers. It also opens up the door to let her know that they are available should she need a Priesthood blessing or something along that line that you would not be able to perform.

[Truther]

I never did get the priesthood blessing thing........What can some stranger do for my wife that I can't.

It hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that some dude who barely knows me and my family can bless my family with better results than I can......But what else can they do? Seriously my wife knows you are there, and will call you, if she has some sort of obscure need that I cannot take care of, although I have no idea what that may be.

[RipplecutBuddha]

One of the teachings of Christ is that we look after each other, care for our neighbors and friends. What you are referring to is a long-standing practice in the LDS church called Home Teaching. Basically, every family in the congregation is assigned to a pair of men, called Home Teachers, also in the congregation. Usually every pair of Home Teachers has three to five families to look after.

It's their priesthood responsibility to visit or at least call on each family once a month to make sure the conditions within the home are as good as they can be. This includes temporal needs like bills being paid, adequate food in the home, etc. as well as spiritual needs. Usually when the Home Teachers visit they have a spiritual message to share with the family.

Every family in the ward, whether full member, active, inactive, part-member, should have Home Teachers. Please understand that the program isn't intended to supplant any role in the home, especially your role as father and husband. Rather it is intended to support your entire family, to make sure that, should the need arise, the resources of the ward and church are immediately available to you.

One of the resources you mention is priesthood blessings. Briefly stated, every male member of the LDS church over 12 holds the priesthood. This is the authority to perform specific acts in the name of Jesus Christ. Once they are ordained to the office of Elder (usually at 19) they have the ability to administer blessings by the laying on of hands. This is done by having at least two Elders place their hands on someone's head. The blessings can be given for different reasons, whether difficult health issues, spiritual difficulty, etc.

There is another organization within the church called the Relief Society. It is the world's largest and oldest women's organization, and every female in the church over 18 is part of it. They also have a similar program to Home Teaching. It's called Visiting Teaching, and their role is to specifically see to the needs of the women in your home, for similar reasons to the Home Teaching program the priesthood operates.

Having said all that, the two men would likely prefer to meet with you as a family rather than just make monthly calls. Perhaps sitting down together would help you become more comfortable with them as representatives of the Savior Jesus Christ, the LDS Church, the Ward and the Bishop, which is what they are doing through the phone calls. While you aren't a member of the church, you are fully entitled to participate in the meetings with the men, not only because it's your family, but specifically because you are her husband. Meeting with the whole family in the home is the preferred method of contact.

There's never been any goal or objective in the church to drive a wedge between any husband and wife. We place a strong emphasis on the importance of the family unit, and it applies not only religiously, but socially as well. I hope you can gain comfort with the programs in the church that are intended to help encourage and maintain a peaceful and happy home for your family. Also, welcome to the LDS.net forums :)

Edited February 17, 2013 by RipplecutBuddha

[Truther]

@Ripplecutbuddha... you are very preachy and condescending.I know what home teachers are they come over every month, usually on the last day, late at night or on a Sunday afternoon while I am trying to spend my one day off with my family. I know about the priesthood. I don't believe that strangers have any more power from god to heal the sick than the prayer of a child.. In fact I believe the prayer of family friends and loved ones are more powerful that a couple strangers with some magic oil.

The father of some very close friends got cancer and some men from the church came over and blessed him that he would get well and then he died the next day.

So you can't tell me that these guys have the power to heal my wife or daughter if they get sick.. Although I did see some missionaries give the neighbor lady a blessing for her cold and she was miraculously healed three days later.

I don't have a problem with neighbors looking out for neighbors. I have a problem with strangers calling my wife as if I am not capable

I like the Relief Society. They actually do something when you need it, instead of calling up two or three times a month, at inconvenient times like the home teachers. They don't seem to need any kind of special power to help people. When my wife had surgery they brought food over and they cleaned my house for my wife while she was in bed healing. They just showed up and did it..... Never heard from the home teachers once. Probably because it wasn't the end of the month..

[pam]

@Ripplecutbuddha... you are very preachy and condescending.

How is he preachy and condescending? You asked a question. He answered it. He was only trying to explain why there would be those calling or visiting your wife. It is part of what we do.

You might have explained that you know what home teachers are and perhaps just wanted a clarification as to what their responsibilities are.

[james12]

Truther, Your wife and daughter are members of the LDS church. They share beliefs and practices which you do not. A member's life revolves around the faith they carry. They view almost everything in the light of this gospel. Thus when you say a priesthood blessing with some "magic oil" is not helpful you show how different your beliefs are from theirs. Because home teachers can understand the role of faith in your wife's and daughter's life I believe they can help in ways you currently cannot.

Now, you may think the distinction I have made is foolish but I think you will agree with me that it does exist. Knowing this, I would then ask, what would you like to see happen?

[pam]

It also becomes very condescending to them and the religion and beliefs that they have. Perhaps this is why you feel you are "in the dark." If these are the kinds of responses you give them as you have displayed in each of the threads you have started and responded in...perhaps that is why they don't talk about it much.

[Backroads]

Sounds like the problem here is miscommunication within your own family. If you find the timing of the home teachers' visits inconvenient and offensive to you, your best bet is to speak with your wife about it as she is one half of the appointment arranging.

[Bini]

I think as an outsider (aka non-member) that wishes to learn more about what the LDS Church is about (such as yourself), perhaps, consider missionary discussions? Missionaries are friendly and speak with a broad audience, from all walks of life and dealing with all sorts of situations.

[NeuroTypical]

Hi Truther and welcome,

I know a little bit about your frustrations - from what I experienced as the child of an LDS mom and nonreligious father. Such families can have struggles. I remember growing up and trying to make decisions that would make both of my parents happy, but it seemed that I usually let one or the other down. Pay tithing and my dad got ticked off and swore. Stopped going to church and my mom thought she didn't do enough and had failed.

Of course, this is my baggage alone - I'm sure things are different in your family. You sound very invested and very capable in your role as husband and father - that's a good thing. Honestly, we're not interested in driving a wedge between you and your family.

Your issue with your wife taking calls from other men you don't know, is understandable. Have you talked to her about it? Expressed your concerns and dislike of her taking calls from men on her cell phone? Have you mentioned your discomfort to your home teachers? What does she say? What do they say?

Truther, I do need to point you to the site rules. Especially #1 and #3. We're happy to talk with you and respond to your issues - but we won't stand for someone hurling insults, refusing to interact with responses.

Edited February 17, 2013 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[skippy740]

Sounds like the problem here is miscommunication within your own family. If you find the timing of the home teachers' visits inconvenient and offensive to you, your best bet is to speak with your wife about it as she is one half of the appointment arranging.

I'm actually going to disagree with Backroads on this one.

The problem isn't in miscommunication within Truther's family.

I sense the problem is a certain lack of respect for sacred things within other's beliefs. This is the common theme that I'm finding in Truther's posts. If someone were to post similar distain for other's religious practices, I wouldn't like the conversation tone there either.

I believe the first step for Truther, is to find respect for sacred beliefs, practices and teachings... and THEN the truths of them will be opened up to him because he will have shown respect, tolerance and even love for others who are a little different from him.

[Backroads]

I think your disagreement is valid, skippy.

I've been thinking about this, and am finding myself curious about the nature of spiritual things within Truther's family.

On one hand, I don't think anyone likes to feel their needs in a family eclipsed by even religious matters of the highest priority; I don't know what the dynamics are like in the family, but if Truther really is having his family time consistently disrupted, I think it's a fair complaint. On the other hand, Truther has been argumentative, defensive, and really not displaying the best attitude for leaning why his wife and daughter and their religion do what they do. If I were in a home environment with a other-than-LDS person who acted in such a way, I would be hurt and offended.

If all these negative feelings are suddenly coming into play after 25 years, I can't help but think something new has changed in the family dynamics. I do think a family meeting might be in order. I can see where Truther is being hurt, but I can't imagine his wife and daughter enjoy having such bitterness thrown at their religion by husband and father.

[ploomf]

I've read several of your threads and I guess I'm wondering what you expect the Mormons on this website to do? They can explain Mormon doctrines and practices to you and they can explain the reasoning behind them but they can't and won't change them just because you don't like them. You married an active Mormon (I assume she's active from your posts anyway) and if you are unhappy now with the way Mormonism is impacting your life well you should probably sit down and have a reasonable discussion with your wife about it.

[RipplecutBuddha]

@Ripplecutbuddha... you are very preachy and condescending.

I apologize if I came across that way. I didn't see much information in your first two posts about how much you knew about the LDS church, so I answered so as to not miss anything.

I know what home teachers are they come over every month, usually on the last day, late at night or on a Sunday afternoon while I am trying to spend my one day off with my family. I know about the priesthood. I don't believe that strangers have any more power from god to heal the sick than the prayer of a child.. In fact I believe the prayer of family friends and loved ones are more powerful that a couple strangers with some magic oil.

What you believe is your business, and I'm glad to leave you to it. At the same time, what we believe is our business, and I must add that your wife believes much, if not all, of what I stated in my first post. Any problems you have with that are for you and her to discuss privately. What you believe about the priesthood is also your business. The home teachers don't want to be strangers, though it seems from your posts you wish it to be that way. That is also a conflict for you to resolve.

The father of some very close friends got cancer and some men from the church came over and blessed him that he would get well and then he died the next day.

So you can't tell me that these guys have the power to heal my wife or daughter if they get sick.. Although I did see some missionaries give the neighbor lady a blessing for her cold and she was miraculously healed three days later.

There is much about the priesthood, and how we believe God operates, that we don't understand.

I don't have a problem with neighbors looking out for neighbors. I have a problem with strangers calling my wife as if I am not capable.

Once again, as I said in my first post, the home teachers are there to support you, not replace or overrule you. You may not believe that the priesthood matters, but what if your wife does? Are her beliefs so unimportant to you that you would trample on them for the sake of your pride? I've been married to a non-member, and I would never judge my ex-wife's beliefs for any reason. They are hers and hers alone. She need not answer to anyone for them, least of all me, especially while we were married.

I like the Relief Society. They actually do something when you need it, instead of calling up two or three times a month, at inconvenient times like the home teachers. They don't seem to need any kind of special power to help people. When my wife had surgery they brought food over and they cleaned my house for my wife while she was in bed healing. They just showed up and did it..... Never heard from the home teachers once. Probably because it wasn't the end of the month..

Ultimately, this is the final matter, and I'll be done with this discussion. Your wife is a member of the LDS Church. As such, she is part of a group that thinks, behaves, and believes very differently from you.

At the same time, her membership and her beliefs shaped her to become the woman you loved enough to marry and start a family with. The LDS Church and what it is religiously, culturally, and socially are part of who your wife is. How closely she follows the LDS church teachings is her business alone as far as I'm concerned.

Now, what I see is the real problem here, and I could be wrong, is that you haven't addressed where you stand on your wife's membership. If that's the case, then this whole discussion is moot until you decide where you want to stand in relation to her beliefs. As it happens, none of it is any of my business, so I'll gladly leave you to it.

You asked a question, I answered to the best of my ability based upon what you said. Once more, if I came across as rude, it was not my intention and I apologize sincerely. I will not, however, allow myself to be called on the carpet by you or anyone else simply because I believe differently. I hope you find the solutions you're after in this matter and I pray that God blesses you and your family always.

[pam]

I apologize if I came across that way. I didn't see much information in your first two posts about how much you knew about the LDS church, so I answered so as to not miss anything.

I don't feel like you owed an apology.

[selek]

@Ripplecutbuddha... you are very preachy and condescending.

And you, truther, are looking for an excuse to be offended.

You came to us with questions, remember?

You have proclaimed your own ignorance about our faith- so why should you be offended when you are given a thorough and concise answer?

I know what home teachers are they come over every month, usually on the last day, late at night or on a Sunday afternoon while I am trying to spend my one day off with my family.

First you subtly (or not so subtly) imply that these men might be acting from impure motives, now you are accusing them of deliberately trying to come between you and your family.

That's hardly indicative of an objective, open-minded, or fair mindset.

I know about the priesthood. I don't believe that strangers have any more power from god to heal the sick than the prayer of a child.. In fact I believe the prayer of family friends and loved ones are more powerful that a couple strangers with some magic oil.

More derision, more condescension, more misrepresentation.

We do not believe in "magic oil" or "magic undies" or any such thing.

"Magic" in this context is a term of scorn and belittling. It is used solely by close-minded fools who seek to mock what they do not understand.

So which are you? A close-minded fool or an earnest seeker of truth?

More to the point- what you think doesn't matter.

Your wife and daughter believe in the power and authority of the Priesthood.

If you truly want to understand, then you need to pay attention to what they believe, not what you think.

Unless you're trying to prove you're right and they're wrong, your opinion (however learned- or not) is irrelevant.

The father of some very close friends got cancer and some men from the church came over and blessed him that he would get well and then he died the next day.

One nameless, faceless anecdote proves nothing. We know nothing about the circumstances, the blessing, or the people involved.

As such, this anecdote ranks up there with Harry Reid's imaginary friends commentary about Mitt Romney's tax returns.

The facts (and the TRUTH) were not found in sound-byte accusations, but in a thoughtful review of the evidence- none of which you've provided.

So you can't tell me that these guys have the power to heal my wife or daughter if they get sick.. Although I did see some missionaries give the neighbor lady a blessing for her cold and she was miraculously healed three days later.

Again- are you hear to understand? Or to mock and belittle?

The moderators have very little patience with trolls- and I do not suffer fools gladly.

I don't have a problem with neighbors looking out for neighbors. I have a problem with strangers calling my wife as if I am not capable.

In point of fact- and as pertaining to matters of the Priesthood- you ARE incapable- and it's entirely your own fault.

You are hobbled by your own pride, insecurities, and insufferable condescension.

Whatever you believe, you are incapable of ministering to her in ways SHE believes are necessary.

And that is entirely your own choice.

Do not presume to blame us for the consequences of your own inaction.

Edited February 18, 2013 by selek

[mirkwood]

I come from a part member family. One where my father was/is not a member. The vast majoriyt of my extended family is also non LDS. From that perspective I can gurantee that your attitude towards the beliefs of your family members, ones supposedly you love, is offensive in your derogatory and offensive attitude. It is probably time you took a step back and recognize that it is okay for others to believe something different than you...and that you do not need to be an *** about it. Quite frankly it is clear to me that you are actng that way towards your family and you will cause irreparable harm. Again, this perspective comes from someone who grew up in a largely non LDS family and lived with your type of hostilities. If you care about your family..stop the attitude.

[Traveler]

I never did get the priesthood blessing thing........What can some stranger do for my wife that I can't.

It hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that some dude who barely knows me and my family can bless my family with better results than I can......But what else can they do? Seriously my wife knows you are there, and will call you, if she has some sort of obscure need that I cannot take care of, although I have no idea what that may be.

The answer to you question is both simple and obvious - Support for and comfort in her deep and tender religious beliefs.

The Traveler